An Open Window

For the past month and a half, I have been miserable. Every single day has been harder than the last. I’ve tried to ride it out. I’ve tried to be recklessly optimistic about it. I’ve tried push it down into a tight little diamond, which has just resulted in me getting an ulcer. The past month and a half I have narrowly dodged a complete nervous breakdown, and last night while wide awake at midnight, it came to a head.

I am not an overwhelmingly clean person. I collect junk, I don’t dust very often, and there is so much pet hair in this house, my lungs are probably coated in it. Irony is aware of this, and that is why when I am very anxious and can’t sleep, I clean. Last night I was awake panicking about going to work today. It was a bad panic attack and I decided to clean the bathroom. I stepped in a puddle. I have a very old dog, coming up on 15 years old, so accidents happen. I cleaned it up, but just minutes later I stepped in it again. The dogs avoid me when I stress clean, because I cry and make strange noises when I panic, so in my tiny bathroom I knew this was some kind of leak. I found it. The toilet was leaking from the base.

With my last bit of rational mind, I turned the water off and drained the bowl and tank. I called my mom to let her know I’d need a plumber, and to ask her to help with the cost. I hate admitting that, but as someone fortunate enough to have a parent that will still help my ass, I’m also not above asking for the help. I’d needed to call one before winter, anyways, because my water wasn’t getting as hot as it should… She agreed they could look at both, to which I thanked her and then had a complete breakdown on the phone. She told me to go to bed.

So a couple plumbers came out today and fixed me up. It took most of the day and cost $800. The long and short of it is that my hot water heater needed new heating elements because of the mineral deposits in the water, and the toilet… Well, the guy that installed it didn’t use a wax seal or seal it correctly, so it’s been leaking into my downstairs ceiling for a while. Also, there was shit under my toilet… Because the seal wasn’t lining up, so these nice men got to clean up my human waste and I got to pretend that this didn’t make me want to die.

Meanwhile, my mom was at work pitching an idea to the boss. She needs help, but no one in the office can help her. I am a rare gem, I guess. So, without telling bossman that I wanted to die and hate my new position, she pitched to get me back. She succeeded and I will now be the office manager.

Few things have ever made me happy cry. In fact, I can’t name something that has until today. I, on the brink of mental breakdown, cried with happiness at the news I was being released from the fallout of my choices. Fortunately, it’s not a move backwards, but even if it was I would take it. I would sit next to the printer I hate more than spiders and gladly listen to it slowly drive me insane just to be back to what I know. Fortunately, it’s a move up, really. I’m very excited.

Once I got the news, it was like the weight of all my mistakes were lifted. I was mostly useless after the plumbers left. I was just so relieved. I cried, I laughed, I got Chipotle, and I took a nap, after scrubbing my bathroom floor enough that you could eat on it. I had to get the feces bacteria to die. I am still unsettled and I’ve washed the floor about fifteen times…

I’m sad that I didn’t make it in finance. I wanted to, but even if so,eine had shown me what I was doing and I’d gotten proper training, I’m just not comfortable selling. I understand having to make a profit, but I feel bad about it. Lol. I also hate interacting with customers. Our customers are often unpleasant.

Once we get me a desk and a computer, it’s all in place.

They are hiring an experienced finance person to replace me. With Carlos gone there’s really no reason for me to babysit paperwork, and the two folks we have are very meticulous, so I don’t think we will have problems. I’m just so happy to be going back to my desk with my list of duties and organization. I can listen to music and help people, and really I’m very good at that.

I’m fortunate enough to have seen the floor and how it is. The people were pretty okay, except Carlos, who I still want to punch for leaving me with so much shit work to do. While this has been one of the worst experiences in my eleven years of working for the store, I’m glad I got to see another perspective. I think it will help me later in.ife and often when trying to communicate with the sales floor. I never thought it would be so different.

So yes, today was terrible, but tomorrow will be better. It has to be, and there is so much hope now. Hope for a better future. I’m really looking forward to all the things I will learn and showing that this is where I really shine.

I was pleasantly surprised to hear the GM expressed concern that he was taking away the opportunity I asked for. I don’t agree with his whole look on things, but it’s nice to know that he wanted to be sure I knew about the negotiations before he said yes.

My ego is a little hurt that I didn’t cut it, and that I had to have my mom help me out of my choices. It feels really juvenile. Still, I think a big part of growing as a person is knowing when to deal with the consequences of your choices, and knowing when to throw in the towel. It’s ok to ask for help, and I often forget that. People might be made to suffer, but you are in more control of that than you realize. Life is not short, but it’s also worth not wasting.

As I close this door on my sales floor experience, I am reminded what people of faith often say: When God closes a door, he opens a window. Idunno about God, but I found me an open window, and I’m going to throw myself from this burning building and see if I can fly. If I can’t, at least I know who is there to catch me when I fall.

I’ve done the math… and I am fucked.

Firstly, I took this position without really knowing the details. I didn’t want to take the position without knowing the details, but my boss man isn’t great at knowing the details. I took the chance based on the idea that this was a great opportunity for me…. So I took it and hoped for the best. At least it was different. At least it was something besides titles.

Secondly, I bought a car for two reasons. One, because I drive myself to work everyday now. Two, I thought I’d be making enough to cover that. I love my car. I named her Gaz, the Rav4. I still love Topo, the Jeep. We kept her, because has no trade in value, but she’s definitely not worthless. She’s now the designated dog-transport vehicle, and I try to drive her on the weekends.

I just got paid today. I have exactly $94 to get me through to the 20th. That’s for gasoline, entertainment, groceries…
Fortunately, I use mid-grade fuel and so it gets me farther than unleaded, but it’s not cheap and I’d estimate I need like $50 for that… fortunately I have no social life, but I’m supposed to buy something when I go to a friend’s for dinner on Friday (but he’s sober so at least it’s not booze)… fortunately I can live on the contents of my house for a while and that I have a strange affection for ramen (I have a propensity not to really eat real food at this point, anyways)…
Unfortunately, I have four dogs and a cat… and Bdo gets special dental food so I don’t have to have his teeth ripped out… so that’s a good $17, and a bag of reg food for everyone else is like $14… So I’ve spent $81 metaphorically in my head already…

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I can make this budget work… but it’s going to be tight and terrible. It would be better if I didn’t have so much credit card debt, but I do. I cant’ tell my mom about that, of course, because I don’t want a lecture on my poor financial skills. I’m aware of them… but I don’t get the luxury of them anymore or we are going to starve. Ain’t that nice? Kinda. Maybe I will finally get out of debt.

This position is also terrible. I mean, no, it’s not terrible, but it’s not what I thought it would be. It’s been very stressful. I’ve often cried all the way home from work, and I’ve stopped eating lunches all together, which is a combination that’s lead to lots of binge eating. We all know how I feel after binge eating!

I’m just tired of crying… and this thing where I’m incredibly broke now is NOT GOOD.

Rambling Regrets

I complain a lot.
I’m never sure if that’s a side effect of me being a Millennial, or Bipolar, or something I picked up from growing up with a depressed mother who continues to just try as hard as she can.

I mean, Millennials are KNOWN for being complainers… That’s our thing as a generation, apparently (aside from so many of us feeling worthless, not knowing what to do with our lives, being generally cynical and despondent because we don’t have a great starting place in life, debating if college is worth the life-long debt, and having an existential crisis that results in debating suicide a lot… we’re known for all that, too). I feel like it comes from having nothing else to focus on. Other generations had wars… we have troops in combat, but we’re not “at war” in a traditional sense. No one is going to draft us. We wouldn’t stand for such a thing. We aren’t a generation that collectively likes America enough to die for it, much less get bullied into dying for it. The military is seen as a way to pay for college in my generation… so mostly we worry about the future… like social security… and the president… and the crippling debt of going to college… and the sad career implications of not going to college… and where we can find housing… and so we try to push that down… and end up choking on it.

Being Bipolar impacts so many things in my life that it’s hard to say whether or not I’m just being overly Bipolar, or if this is a normal reaction for someone without a mood disorder. I know it’s a normal reaction for someone WITH one…

Then there’s learned behavior. You don’t get out of childhood without your parents imprinting something on you that you should probably work through in therapy. For me, even after years of therapy, the main things that my mom unintentionally and regrettably imprinted on me are 1, life is inevitably shit, and 2, only the threat of death should stop you from work. My mom’s clinically depressed. She used to take meds. They didn’t really do anything to stop the crushing depression, so she, like I, just deals with it as best she can. She’s not usually the hopeless kind of depressed, but the monotonous kind of depressed. You get up, you go to work, and you do that until you die. We don’t take sick days, and we don’t expect things to get better when we’re stressed out or everything has gone to shit. Unlike her, though, I don’t live in constant fear of someone firing me… I know my value, which is something she also imprinted on me. I wish she knew hers.
She also imprinted good stuff on me totally by accident… like being okay being alone and not needing anyone. She doesn’t see that as a good thing, because she’s so used to family being a big thing in her life, but since my family sucks, it’s really an overwhelmingly good thing. She also constantly worries about who I’ll have when she dies… which is not a concern I have. I’ve settled with the fact I’ll probably be alone in life after that, and I’m okay with it… Be miserable together or be miserable alone… what’s the difference?

So, the job’s going fine, I guess… but it’s been a hard couple of weeks.

I don’t do that well with first days. It’s not a lifelong thing. My first day of school was fine. I remember bits and pieces of it… and it was fine. I was excited. I made friends. It was a good day.

My first day of middle school was weird. I hadn’t made friends at my elementary school, since I only spent one year there (I changed schools twice in elementary school), so it was big and terrifying and lonely. It was topped off with the fact that I was a latch-key kid. So I’d go home and lock myself up in my house. I eventually made some friends with some anime fangirls, and aside from the barrage of kids that rode my bus that seemed to want to cleave my head open with rocks, for whatever reason (true story), middle school was mostly fine.

The first day of high school I knew that I would need to find somewhere to fit in. My middle school friends found their place pretty easily, because they were okay with what they were socially. I envied them for that, cuz I definitely was not. They were welcomed with open arms to the table top gamer/anime weebs/thespian/general nerdy geek group. I didn’t want to be part of that group. It wasn’t that I didn’t like my friends, I did, but I didn’t want to be part of a group that was one step above 1980s stereotypical AV club kids. I’d been bullied enough, and I was over it, so I picked out a different group of people thatI thought would give me some implied respect, and just forcibly joined their ranks. (Literally, I just started silently sitting next to them and wearing lots of black until someone talked to me… took like three weeks.) I also kept my old friends, though… My high school experience was a lot less like the movies I grew up watching and was more like a whole school of kids being unsure of themselves as a group and trying to make up somewhere they fit in on the fly. We all had friends in every social group. I guess it was nice, really.

My first day of college was a wreck. I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t really understand how the classes worked. I got lost. I tore all my false nails off. My hands hurt for days.

The first week of this job was hell. I dealt with lots of heater customers that I couldn’t help, which did not make them happier. I went home and cried a lot. I pulled a lot of overtime… and of course, I’m not getting paid hourly anymore, so it doesn’t matter… At the end of the week, in tears, I purchased No Man’s Sky. The idea was that it’s a game with no objective than to explore… so it would be good for relaxing. Thankfully, it worked. I love the game.

I spent a lot of the past two weeks feeling like I’m in over my head here. I probably am, but I’m realistically treading water pretty well, but it doesn’t feel that way. It definitely didn’t feel that way when my Finance guy decided to put in his 30 day notice. It wasn’t because of me, but a lot of things… and he’s sad that we won’t get to work together longer, but you do what you have to for yourself and your family. I get that.

Here’s the thing though… I’m being paid to learn finance. In exchange for that, my job is to cleanup the paperwork. Most of the problems come from the finance guy. He’s a power seller, but he’s not great at paperwork. The finance girl pulls in half as much gross, but has perfect paperwork. So, if finance guy leaves… why would they continue to pay me to learn finance? They could hire two seasoned finance people. They’re everywhere, and it’s a very money-oriented position with a lot of earning potential…

So… been freaking out about that, and trying to learn everything I can as fast as I can, but I can’t learn what they’ve been doing for decades in a matter of weeks… I definitely don’t understand leases…. but I think I can fake my way through paperwork for cash and finance deals… I don’t know that I can sell anything… which makes me less valuable…

Yesterday I was trying to get bill out done for the office, which is also in chaos. As a result, I was here for eleven hours yesterday. I didn’t eat. I went home and went straight to bed… I couldn’t do anything else. Still not hungry this morning, either… and I thought I would be… I don’t know what’s happening to me… I don’t know that I made a good decision asking for this promotion…

All I know is that I have to keep going on. If they fire me, I’ll deal with it then… just gotta keep keeping on, I guess… In true family fashion, you keep going, even if it sucks your soul out…

In lighter news, I named a planet YumYumYum Human Hand in the system of Spoopy Demon Toaster in No Man’s Sky… Here’s a link to why that’s funny.

Boy George & Bipolar

It was a weird weekend…

Saturday I was depressed after Suicide Squad. I dunno why. It kind of perked up after Mothership invited me over for dinner, though. We ordered Chinese and watched Z for Zachariah. The movie was not the post-apocalyptic joy ride I was hoping for. It was more of a chick flick disguised as post-apocalyptic flick… I don’t really recommend it to anyone looking for post-apocalyptic movies… but maybe to people that like chick flicks… I don’t like chick flicks, though, so I’m not sure if it was a good chick flick.

Sunday I woke up hating myself.
It’s not a new occurrence, or even a rare one… but I debated staying in bed and wallowing in my misery. I’ve done it a lot, especially in summer when my room is a thousand degrees (I have no AC) and it’s just an overall miserable experience. Instead, I got up and decided that if I was going to be miserable, I could be miserable and accomplish something.

I am the kind of worker that’s best under a deadline, but for things in my normal life that I don’t really want to do, I’m the kind of person that’s most motivated to work when told that I can’t do something. I dunno why… but if you try to tell me that I can’t do something I automatically want to prove you wrong and punch you. I temper that with reason. If you tell me that I can’t climb Everest… you’re right and we’ll go with that. If you tell me that I can’t climb a 14er… I will either prove you wrong or literally die trying.

This mentality can and does get me in trouble.

But, I got up and decided to do something. It helped that Keagan had an accident in the living room. I got pissed. I’m super productive when pissed. I wasn’t pissed at HIM, because he’s old and accidents happen, but I was sprang from hating myself to hating EVERYTHING. A manic rage is a really productive place for me if I channel it right. So, I put the dogs outside, cleaned up the mess, bagged up all my art shit that I’m not using and took it downstairs, disassembled the dining table and took it downstairs, and asked my mom to help me drag the sofa out to the garage. I also did some dishes.

I’m not currently artsy, too busy to find inspiration, so my art shit was just covering up my dining table, which in turn was just cluttering up my main floor. With those things out of the way I got to move the dog kennels around so that I’m not tripping over them.

The sofa and I have a love/hate relationship. I love having a sofa. I hate the accumulation of dog hair and generally how stained up it’s gotten over the years. I also hate the slip cover because to me it just looks tack as fuck. On top of that, I have the irritating habit of falling asleep on my sofa. It puts a crick in my neck and it’s a super bad habit… so I just gave in and decided it’s gotta go. Mothership is getting a dumpster when she’s off and that, the old dog chair, and some other furniture I’m purging is going in it. She will also be cleaning out her garage, so she’ll have stuff to put in it.

With my main floor mostly empty now, I feel better. I mean, I like to have things, but sometimes I clutter my own life, and it makes everything harder. I also took down a bunch of wall art that I’m just going to give to Good Will. The vampire girl Vaun gave me for my 20th birthday. The Reyes Coral Hotel sign that I held onto in hopes that I would one day reconcile with my dad. My first painting, which isn’t very good but not too bad. The butterfly pictures I stole from Vaun when he was redecorating his dad’s place.

My goal now is to get the main floor painted… Gonna do a blue-tinged white for a calming effect. After that, I wanna tackle the bathroom, then my bedroom, and I figure I can come back to the basement in the winter… ON DAY I WILL BE ABLE TO UTILIZE THE TWO ROOMS DOWN THERE!!! But I figure my current living space is more important.

I was going to try to do more in the evening, because I was exhausted by noon, but I had forgotten that Mothership and I were going to go see Culture Club. For the best, really. I probably wouldn’t have gotten anything done.

I love Boy George! And we were 2nd row from the stage… so like… bad ass seats. It was a great night out! Here are the outfits.

He looked amazing and sounded great. He’s so much fun. ^_^

The ride home was an irritation. Mom walks slow. Downtown Denver is a little shady right now, because we’ve had a rise in homeless population. I’m not saying all homeless people are dangerous, but there have been reports of interactions with them going south, recently. It’s just a thing… people keep moving here… including homeless people. I don’t know why, and I wish they’d stop. So, I had to get us back to a light rail station without her getting mugged… It was mostly fine, but I also started to get a migraine, and it makes me irritable, so I had to try and check my actual feelings and try to be upbeat.

The obnoxious white lights on the train didn’t help the migraine, and it was pretty much full blown when we got back to our station. I asked if Mothership wanted McDonald’s, since it was like 1130 and I knew she was hungry… she did… which was fine, except that it was the slowest service I’ve ever had in my life. Looked like they were short-staffed for the evening and got an unexpected rush. So we had to sit through that.

This morning I woke up and still had the migraine. It sucked. Took some Excedrin and just tried to get to work. Then when I got to work, everything went to hell.

I’m holding up oddly well for someone with bipolar and a migraine… Kinda sad, but I think I’ll make it through the day. Gotta talk to Sean about my role here, though. I’m not sure that the Finance people know how to utilize me, as much as they’re just wanting to train me to be a 3rd finance person.

Not sure how to handle that delicately…

Almost Thru Wk 1.

I started my new job on Monday.

Finance Assistant.

I think I’m going to like once I don’t have to ask people a question every 90 seconds.
I really hate being new… but it IS a great excuse to have with questionable customers.

I’ve been wound up and manic all week… First I did a couple days with the guy in my department. He’s a great salesman, but not great at paperwork… Watching him with customers is like watching a magic show. It’s just papers flying and mysticism. I love it, but it’s hard to learn from. I spent today and yesterday with the chick in my department. She’s like his exact opposite. Her paperwork is super clean, but she’d not as… overwhelmingly friendly. She’s still super nice, and I’m really excited to be working with her, but she’s very professional, while the guy is more laid back about things. The GM is hoping I glean off info from both and become a super finance girl! Able to be super personable and sell lots, but with a professional demeanor and clean paperwork. I’m hoping for that, too.

There’s a lot to learn. Fortunately, I know the back-end of things, so there’s a learning curve in my favor. Ten plus years in the car business helps, as well. Still, learning to sell is a whole different kind of beast, and I, as a bipolar introvert, just hope that I can get the hang out it. I’m doing okay with phone calls, at the moment, but having someone in front of me is a totally different kind of beast. Still, the lone girl on the sales floor never sold anything before and she picked it up. If she can do it with no car biz experience, I think I can do it with all my background knowledge.

I’ve decided to wrap my arms around this beast and tame it… but it’s not going to be easy or fun. Lol. It might be fun. I’m kind of having fun with it. It’s a different crowd. They love to chat. Sales people, good ones anyways, are naturally talkative. Makes sense that they’d love to talk to each other in their downtime.

I bought a car to get me to and from work efficiently, since I can’t carpool with the mothership anymore. We work such different hours now. I love it, but I can’t actually afford it… She’s going to help me out to start with. Her main concern was that I had a way to get here in snow. In recent years, the Jeep has lost its luster for snow mobility. Comes with age. It’s weird to have two cars, though. The jeep is the official designated pet vehicle, though.

Other than that… it’s impossible to sleep without Lunesta right now… Just amped as shit all the time. Not a good look for me. So much makeup.

Last weekend mothership and I went to the Arapahoe County Fair! It was a spur of the moment thing, so I didn’t bring sunscreen. Burnt my face. Had a ton of fun, though. Mom wanted to ride this thing that was a much smaller version of the Rainbow at Elitches (pictured). It just swings you around.

rainbow-14-04-2007-3-46-53-pm

We hadn’t been on a ride in a very long time… so it was REALLY FUN.

It also doesn’t help that I don’t really trust carnival/fair rides… Like, if you can take it down in a day… I shouldn’t trust my life to it… So I was borderline terrified the thing would just collapse beneath us. But both mothership and I laughed and screamed, and had more fun in a short ride than we have in a very long time.

Then we just wandered around… We saw Dock Dogs, which is dogs running and leaping off of a platform into a pool for distance. It was super cute. We looked at livestock… we did not eat… cuz… we are us and carnival food is evil. By that, of course, I mean carnival food is amazing, but our family has shitty digestive tracts…

We watched a tractor pull.
Now, I am not opposed to alternative sports. I like weird stuff…
I still have no idea what a tractor pull is a thing… They just pull a big sled for a lil bit… and I didn’t even figure out how they score it… it was super weird…
But we laughed about it. As, mothership and I do at ridiculous things.

So… things are… different.
I don’t necessarily like different… but it’s doing alright.
If I pull this off, it’s a good investment in my future… and how often can I say THAT about ANYTHING I do????? ^_^

hobbit

Not Official Yet… But…

So we’ve previously discussed that I have no life plan. I just fumble through life and once in a while I impulsive DO SOMETHING. This week I impulsively did a thing.

Let’s backup.

On Wednesday my mom woke up at 230 in the morning and her brain kicked on. It decided to show a reel of all the poor choices she’d made in her life. That set the tone for the whole day. It wasn’t a good day. Recently, because she keeps thinking about the fact she’s going die, my mom keeps trying to get things in order so that when she does die, I’m not fucked. Lol. I’m a pretty independent twenty-something, but with no other family to fall back on, she worries. I get that. So she’s been looking around to see where we could move that would afford me a better career opportunity. So, as she does, she was talking about us moving to Daphne, AL because there’s a Controller position open down there. I’m not a fan of the idea of moving pretty much anywhere that isn’t California (looking for no snow and no hurricanes but with beach access). I’m also not looking to be a Controller. My mom’s a Controller. I’ve seen that hell. It’s not what I’m looking for. So I told her no, because my eventual goal is California, but if she thought that would be good for her that she should go.

Apparently, that stabbed her in the heart and tore it out of her chest. She was mad as shit at me for that comment. Also, she felt the need to remind me that I’m not GOING anywhere. So… she got to relive all her bad choices at 230am, and she decided to remind me that my life is going nowhere. Great day… lemme tell you.

So we had to have it out. That’s how we communicate. I had to explain to her that I don’t really have a plan. I’m not a planner when it comes to my life. It made her sad. I also had to explain that I’m just not trying to stand in the way of her being happy. People DO go off and start over at sixty-something and enjoy the rest of their life. That’s a thing that happens. Then we got into:

“Do you think I’m smothering you?!” -her

“No, I think you feel responsible for me and how I do nothing with my life, because I’m boring and have no motivation.” -me

“You don’t have any other family when I’m gone! There are people in the South that are your family. In California, all you have is your dad’s family, and they’re not gonna help you.” -her

“I don’t want to move to California to be close to family. I don’t talk to family. I don’t even wanna move to the same area as my friend that lives in California. I’ve accepted that at some point I’m gonna be alone in the world and it’s fine. I just want what I want!” -me

So… We came to a weird impasse, but at the end of it, I pretty much explained that because of my own poor life choices I am stuck here indefinitely till after Keagan and Kyrie pass on. I’m hoping, of course, that that’s not terribly soon, but that’s how it is. I can’t move with four dogs and a cat. Keagan is 14, Kyrie is 10… So 4-6 years from now I’ll be ready to make a move. Also, in four years I should be out of my student loans. So my “plan” is to hang out in Denver till then.

Back at work, we were supposed to hire a Finance Assistant.
This made me kinda irritated.

You see, I asked our previous GM if I could learn to sell. He didn’t take me seriously.
I asked our previous Service Manager if I could be an Advisor, AND was prepared to go back to school for it. He didn’t take me seriously.
So, I was kinda irritated that if we needed a Finance Assistant, that the GM didn’t think to ask if anyone in the office would want to move up.

Long-story-short, the finance assistant isn’t coming. There’s a lot of politics in there as to why, but she’s not coming. So… I decided to throw my hat in the ring. He couldn’t see me that night, though. So I talked to him yesterday.

The job sounds daunting and stressful and generally awful. I’m helping assist finance, but I’m also supposed to learn finance and start selling myself… and help sales… so like the entire floor will be yelling at me for help. Still, all I could think of was Brooke.

Brooke was a finance person we had for a long long time. She was pretty, and confident, and scandalous. She also made a killing every paycheck. Obviously, we can’t all be Brooke. Brooke is an idolization that I aspire to be, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be her a little bit.

As of this morning, it’s looking like I’ll be moving to finance. First we have to find a title clerk, then I have to pass the sales licensing test, change my hair, get a “customer facing wardrobe,” and learn what I’m going to actually be doing… but all signs point to me giving up my Saturdays and learning to be on the floor.

It’s scary as fuck.

When I had to move from middle school to high school, I was terrified and cried about it.
When I had to graduate and start college, I had a complete panic attack and tore all my fake nails off on the first day of classes.
When college was over and I realized that I wasn’t gonna get a job in my field, and that I had to make an adult decision for employment, I copped out and just staid here.
I don’t handle big changes exceedingly well, is what I’m saying.

But… I impulsively did a thing, and it’s looking like that’s what I’m doing… regardless of if I’d rather back out and hide in my house forever, instead.

I’m hoping that with the increase in money, even if it’s not that much to start with, that I can get a new car… and build my way up from there to being more of a really real adult… or get a maid… I really want a maid…

Important thing is that it appears I have some kind of short-term game plan… and if it doesn’t work out, I have all my accounting and title experience to fall back on. But I hope it works out. Moving for a job in finance is better than moving for a job in accounting. Better pay, more options… so… it’s scary but it’s good.

Anyways… more when it’s official, yeah?

13/365/2015

So I’ve been looking for a job.

I thought you liked your job?

Yeah, I do, but I can’t keep coming here with all this ridiculous bullshit. It’s so unpleasant to come to work and know that the bitch in front you, that you trained, has tried to get you fired. She has. Since Christmas this crazy bitch has launched an assault on my BossLady Mothership and myself. So, that’s made work real fucking unpleasant.
Also, I’m getting tired of working with the Mothership. I love her. She’s not a bad boss. She just… doesn’t treat me like an employee. I am her daughter, so I have to work harder, fly higher, and never be wrong. And I’m sick of it. I’m not opposed to hard work, but this is a double standard. That maniac bitch is allowed to go out and socialize on the showroom floor because Mothership doesn’t want to correct her, but I miss getting up for break and it’s a big thing.Everywhere I’ve applied is unimpressed with my resume, though. Apparently my 9 years of work experience means nothing without a CPA… which is depressing as fuck. So, I’m looking into college again… which is frustrating in itself, because it’s just going to add to my student loan debt that NEVER FUCKING GOES AWAY. So… that’s fun. I’m depressed. I hate everything. I’m lonely. My life is not going well. Earlier today I had a thought… “Well, bitch, maybe you should have just killed yourself back on the 1st. I mean, it’s not like shit seems to be getting better.” I never said it was a positive thought.I’ve been trying to be vegan, but I’m not good at it. So then I decided to be vegetarian and eat cheese, but that really just resulted in my binge-eating cheese. So, I had to drop that shit. I like food, but I hate cooking every single night. I hate that eating meat now makes me tired, as realized when I ate some this weekend. I hate that I don’t think I’ve lost any weight. But I have 18 days left… and maybe I’ll just keep doing it. Or… close to it.I’m not gonna lie to you, I have a whole chicken thawing in my fridge right now… and I fully intend on cooking it tonight. Last night I had rabbit… I am eating LESS meat, overall. I feel good when I don’t eat meat. I don’t necessarily feel bad when I do eat meat, but not as good as I do after a non-meat meal. I recognize and appreciate the effects a meat-less diet offers. I’m attempting to eat more kinds of grain (tried quinoa last night… weird but good), and I have main veg staples that I eat, now… but vegetables are not good for binge eating.

Then don’t binge eat?

Yeah, that’s how I cope with stress, so that NOT DOING IT thing really isn’t going to work for me. Also, no one tell me to exercise to relieve stress. Exercise makes me think about suicide. There are no endorphins, there is only me and my brain doing something mindless, so it wanders off into why my life is worthless and how I should just kill myself. So save your breath, because I cannot exercise to relieve stress. Recently, since vegetables are SO BAD for binge eating, I’ve been eating cookies… and ice cream. I hate that. I don’t really like sweet shit… but it’s all I have to play with, here… I just… I am miserable… and lonely… but at the same time anyone that would want to see me I can’t stand being around right now… I’m hoping that it’s a phase that I blow out of, like all my moods… but it’s a persistent and very upsetting phase…