Diary Entry Epsilon Upsilon Theta Pi

Dear, dear diary, I wanna tell my secrets.
You’re the only one that I know will keep them.

Let’s see… what’s happened since Easter.

I went to my 6 week post op appointment, got cranked open and everything looks fine. I expected as much. I haven’t had any pain or anything in a couple weeks. I did ask her about the lingering fatigue, though. I feel like I’m always tired… But she just said I’m still healing inside, so maybe that’s it. I think it could also be dealing with my own hormones again. I’ve been on the Nuvaring so long that it was my normal. Now I have to deal with whatever my ovaries send out. It’s been annoying, but I’ve also been hella stressed, so it might NOT be my ovaries. Guess I’ll just see if it gets better. She did check my thyroid for abnormalities. As usual, it’s fine… which is good, but also disappointing. They can’t fix something if they can’t find it.

Friday night Chris had Amber babysit Addi so he could go with me to meet my cousin for dinner. I haven’t seen Ryan in like 15 years, and when he got offered a fully paid for vacation to Colorado for some book he wrote a story for (he got 3rd place) he jumped on the chance. I’d forgotten this, of course, and failed to properly plan. SO. I had them train into Union Station, and then Chris and I trained into Union Station. I met Ryan’s lovely wife of roughly 4 years, Colby, and we ventured out to explore.

Mostly we wandered around for a while, and then settled on BD’s Mongolian BBQ for dinner. I figured it was a safe bet, because you make your own stir fry, so everyone could get whatever they wanted. Over dinner we chatted. Ryan (33) grew up to be a librarian. I don’t know how that happened, but that’s what happened. Lol. He’s always liked to write, so I guess it suits him, really. I asked him about his brother, Jason, as he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in 2015. I guess he’s currently in remission, but he’s not getting his hopes up too high, as he’s been in remission before and it just comes back. I wish there was something I could do for him and his wife, but Ryan donated marrow to him, so all we can hope is that he stays in remission. Colby (21) is a nursing student, and asked me about my surgery (because in my haste to explain why I sucked at planning I blurted out that I had had cancer). She’s actually very knowledgeable and explained to us why I had to shoot myself in the tummy with Lovenox instead of something like taking it orally. (I guess stomach acid breaks it down and makes it less effective.)

Now, if you, like I, have done the head math, you will have noticed my cousin is 12 years older than his lovely wife, and that they’ve been married for 4 years… I guess when she was 18 they literally ran off and got hitched. When I did that head math I just went, “well, Ryan, that’s a very southern age gap.” We are a southern family, to be fair. My mom was 13 years older than my dad, got an aunt 15 years younger than her husband, got an aunt 20 years older than her hubster… you get it. I, personally, always found those age gaps gross and weird, but to each their own. Ryan and Colby are happy, and they’re a cute couple, and both sides of the family are on board with it. So, whatever two consenting adults do is their business. Lol.

After dinner, we headed over to the Dairy Block and got ice cream, trying to show them around my favorite part of LoDo, and then it was time to go home. I told them to come back any time, and they said to let them know if we ever wind up in Georgia. Lol. Ryan, being some of the only family I like, was a real treat, and I was really glad to see them.

Amber and Addi had a great time. Amber even did Addi’s makeup, which Addi loved. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little jealous. I’m not… great with kids… or Addi. I feel like I end up being a disciplinarian, because I tell her to behave. Other than that she likes my dogs, but I’m not 100% sure she really likes ME. She likes Amber, though. Amber is a really real life cartoon character that likes art. What more could you ask for in a babysitter? I wish I had that kind of… knack for children. I’m working on it… I’m just not… great at it.

Addi was supposed to go to her mom’s for the weekend, but had a birthday party in Aurora on Saturday afternoon that she REALLY wanted to go to… and she doesn’t have a lot of friends, so Chris thought it might be good for her. Meanwhile, Chris worked Saturday, and I went to meet my new boss lady.

MH is a lot closer to home, but it’s no high end dealer. That being said, I really liked the layout. It’s a small showroom sitting on a large plot of land. Actually, there’s multiple buildings, and it’s under construction for a remodel, so who knows what it’ll look like when they’re done. It’s… no Mercedes dealer, though. I felt very out of my element as a Mercedes employee for 13 years.

I met new boss lady. She’s actually really nice, it seems. She showed me the office. It looks like an office. She did say no green hair, so I’m thinking wine tones next color?

Honestly, it went great, and they’re gonna pay 75k-ish (based on gross) instead of the 70k I asked for. But seeing the place and meeting boss lady and everything made it so real… and I’ve been having panic attacks ever since. I had one today, even. Just thinking about… It’s bad. I know it’ll be okay, but right now it’s really not.

With Addi gone to her mom’s, Chris and Koopa came over. We played some video games and watched some stand up, and went to bed. Sunday morning we got up and after hanging out in bed till like 11, we invited Billie & Aaron to brunch at our Jewish deli. They came! It was great. Afterwards Chris and I went to Goodwill, cuz it was there, and got some random stuff. He found Addi a Five Nights At Freddy’s backpack, and I got some teacups from Japan, and we both got books… because books. It was just genuinely fun. Then we came home and played more Resident Evil.

This weekend I’m taking Addi to some comic shops for free comic book day, since Chris works. I’ll let you know how that goes. I tried to wrangle Sarah or Bren & Shaunna into coming and bringing THEIR spawn, but I ended up with Bird… who loves kids and comics and will prolly outshine me with Addi. Lol. But that’s okay. I’m excited.

Might grab pho with Billie & Aaron Sunday. Might see Endgame. Might sleep. Who knows.

Go With It

So… Corporate is making me take that job at the sister store that I turned down. Apparently, after 13, going 14 years, my boss being my mother is finally a problem. I find this funny coming from our CFO, because prior to being the CFO, he was a controller and his dad was a head honcho at corporate. But… nepotism… I get it.

I wish they had presented it that way, though. Like, just tell me. “Hey, we can’t have you and your mom in places of management at the same store, but we want to keep you both. So, we’ve arranged for you to move to another store, which we know is struggling with office management, and to compensate you, we will be working out a raise, as well as a title change.” Oh, okay. When’s that happening so I can make all the arrangements?

I’m also a little ticked that no one has actually talked to ME about it. The CFO talks to the GM, and the GM talks to my mom instead of me. My new GM talks to me, though. So… maybe things will work themselves out.

I know I can do the job. I have no qualms about that. I am not excited to pull those hours and get everything in order… but I’m kind of excited to start somewhere new. And it’s closer to home, so maybe I’ll be able to go home at lunch, which the dogs would love.

Just… don’t feel great about it, right now. I cried about it. I was pissed off about it. Now I’m just trying to get the office in order so I don’t leave mom in a lurch. I’m also kind of excited to not be the go-to tech person anymore… that’s gonna be fun… till I mess it up and end up the go-to tech person again… I know too many things.

I was all anger and tears Friday evening, so Chris put Addi to bed and came over to just listen to me vent. Somehow, that boy always seems to make everything okay. I love that about him, but also I worry I’ll come to rely on that. We talked over how this is going to affect us and our plans… and really it just kind of speeds some stuff up. So, I guess it’s gonna be alright. We’ll figure it out.

This weekend I had a nice time, though. Chris and I took Addi to a used board game sale, and then we had a picnic in the park with Bdo and Frankie. Bdo loves Addi, so she was excited to play with him. Frankie wasn’t sure about the park… but we got her to have some fun. We tied Bdo and Frankie together, because Bdo doesn’t want to do anything and Frankie likes running… So she dragged him, and he kept her from running off. Addi played with some neighborhood kids. She was holding onto this new kind of merry-go-round and I saw her legs flying out, and was like, “that looks danger-OH NO.” She FLEW off. And I got to watch it. I laughed. I couldn’t help it. It was awesome. She cried. Chris pushed down his giggle to go check on her. Little bit of road rash, but she’s fine and went back to playing after she told Bdo she was okay.

We had a good time, and then we all went to take a nap. Chris picked me up for a game night Amber and Rob invited us to. I didn’t realize it was in Westminster when I insisted he drive. Lol. But we went, and he let me torture him with my Top Songs of 2016 playlist. We were supposed to go to some Italian buffet thing, but when we got there the wait was 2 hours… so we ended up going to CB & Potts, which was fine. I had Ahi Tuna Nachos, and they were bomb.

Amber has nice friends, and I think Chris is enjoying her dragging Rob out to do things. She took us to this cool gaming arena. You check in and pick a side. One side has a liquor license, the other is a coffee shop. Then you sit down, order, and you get your own e-hookah. I haven’t hookah’d in a long time. It was a lot of fun.

What was not fun was sitting on a folding chair and it collapsing under my weight. Talk about fat girl nightmares… I got lucky I didn’t crack my head on anything, but as I lay there, I gave up for a second. I reached a “this may as well be my life” moment. I must’ve laid there too long because a girl frantically asked if I was okay and helped me up. She turned out to be Malina… my ex-bestfriend Rachael’s sister. That was nuts. Small world syndrome is nuts. She was sweet, though. She whacked off her hair and I think she was on a first date… It gave me feelz I wasn’t into having… but I didn’t let it ruin the night.

We all got seated, I drank some tea and sucked on a hookah, and even though I brought 2 games, and Rob & Amber brought like 6, we ended up playing one of the house games called THINGS. It was a good time. Chris and I got home around midnight, and we watched standup for a bit before passing out. Since Addi goes to church with his mom, we had a lovely Sunday morning in bed just being gross and romantical. As we do.

Then I went out, got my car detailed, bought new windshield wipers for both vehicles, took mom to see Dumbo, and then hit the grocery store. It felt very productive. I liked Dumbo, btw. It was a more adult version of the story, though. I’m not sure it has much appeal for young kids. Maybe like… pre-teens. Mostly it appealed to people who grew up with the 1941 animated cartoon. They did a good job, but they changed a lot of it.

In other news, Chris’ oldest, Brinley, is coming down for her Spring Break next week. I told Chris to ask her what she wanted to do, and she wants to laser tag. Girl… we gonna laser tag! I also tried to think of some other things. Figured in a movie, and maybe we can do dinner somewhere fun one night. I’m excited to meet her, but also pre-teen girls are the meanest people on the planet, so… that should be fun.

Life is… still okay. I’m not happy about the job thing, but I can embrace this as an opportunity and go with it. I’m worried that I won’t get the house finished quick enough, but in reality we have a year to get Chris and Addi in and settled, since she’s going to be with her mom for the summer and next school year. My health is pretty good. We even managed to have sex and it was not unpleasant. It’s different, though.

It’s just a lot of change… I have never been very good at change… but I’ll be okay… cuz I have to be.

Everything In Transition

So I spent the past two days in bed with flu. Fucking sucked. Still sucks. I’m not sick anymore, but my throat is WRECKED from coughing incredibly hard. Like there’s something in my throat that pops every time I swallow. That’s not natural…. (but Oak Express is…)

So, I spent two days alone at home in agony and hell, mostly sleeping and hating being alive.
And then the unthinkable happened.

Corporate offered me a promotion.

They want me to move to a sister store as an Assistant Controller.

Now, that sounds like a good thing, and it kind of is, but also that dropped a major bomb on my already revved up anxiety about my life. I’ve already had my existential crisis, so I can’t just go with the flow anymore. I know I’ve got one life to live, and that if it’s gonna be good life I have to MAKE it a good life. So, obviously, I had to start thinking about ALL my life choices. A lot of the beginning ones weren’t great, but they’ve gotten progressively better, I think.

So right now, I’ve got some big life changes happening.

  • Hysterectomy
  • Chris Moving In
  • Possible New Job

It’s tense.

Should I be getting the hysterectomy? It’s gonna be hella expensive, but I still think it’s better than dying of cervical cancer. Also it means I won’t have any unplanned pregnancies, which is good but also the only way I was probably ever going to have a kid. So, I reconciled the kid thing, but it’s still a looming transition. Imma be broke, out for two weeks, and it’s not something I can go back on.

Should Chris be moving in this summer? Debatable. I want him there, for sure. I don’t know that I’m ready to be a step mom, or that I’ll be a good one. It’s not like he’s going to be able to help that much with finances, seeing as he doesn’t make that much and he’s swimming in debt. He’s not going to pay rent at the moment… so… it’s just taking on two people with the hopes that more chores get done, really. And, of course, that I like having him around. It’s not a financial move. It could turn out worse than when Mike moved in. I’m still not sure about it… but it’s something I don’t have to focus on till this summer… so I’m kind of putting it on the back burner, for now.

Should I take the job?

That I can’t answer at all. I don’t know how much it’ll pay, or any of the details, really. I meet with the GM on Monday to discuss what he’s offering, since he seems desperate, but I wouldn’t take the job till we talk terms and I see the office, and meet the controller, meet the office manager, and know how the store is doing. Since it’s a sister store, it’s not like I’m oblivious to what’s been going on there. I’m well aware. Also, since I’m not unemployed it’s not like I HAVE to take the job. I’m quite comfortable where I am… but I’m interested.

Unfortunately, I just can’t DO anything about these worries right now. I hate life in transition, but I can’t really blow these things off or speed them up. It’s frustrating, but I’m just going to have to see how thing play out and make decisions as the time line allows….

I wish I could jump to May… I’d know what I did.

An Open Window

For the past month and a half, I have been miserable. Every single day has been harder than the last. I’ve tried to ride it out. I’ve tried to be recklessly optimistic about it. I’ve tried push it down into a tight little diamond, which has just resulted in me getting an ulcer. The past month and a half I have narrowly dodged a complete nervous breakdown, and last night while wide awake at midnight, it came to a head.

I am not an overwhelmingly clean person. I collect junk, I don’t dust very often, and there is so much pet hair in this house, my lungs are probably coated in it. Irony is aware of this, and that is why when I am very anxious and can’t sleep, I clean. Last night I was awake panicking about going to work today. It was a bad panic attack and I decided to clean the bathroom. I stepped in a puddle. I have a very old dog, coming up on 15 years old, so accidents happen. I cleaned it up, but just minutes later I stepped in it again. The dogs avoid me when I stress clean, because I cry and make strange noises when I panic, so in my tiny bathroom I knew this was some kind of leak. I found it. The toilet was leaking from the base.

With my last bit of rational mind, I turned the water off and drained the bowl and tank. I called my mom to let her know I’d need a plumber, and to ask her to help with the cost. I hate admitting that, but as someone fortunate enough to have a parent that will still help my ass, I’m also not above asking for the help. I’d needed to call one before winter, anyways, because my water wasn’t getting as hot as it should… She agreed they could look at both, to which I thanked her and then had a complete breakdown on the phone. She told me to go to bed.

So a couple plumbers came out today and fixed me up. It took most of the day and cost $800. The long and short of it is that my hot water heater needed new heating elements because of the mineral deposits in the water, and the toilet… Well, the guy that installed it didn’t use a wax seal or seal it correctly, so it’s been leaking into my downstairs ceiling for a while. Also, there was shit under my toilet… Because the seal wasn’t lining up, so these nice men got to clean up my human waste and I got to pretend that this didn’t make me want to die.

Meanwhile, my mom was at work pitching an idea to the boss. She needs help, but no one in the office can help her. I am a rare gem, I guess. So, without telling bossman that I wanted to die and hate my new position, she pitched to get me back. She succeeded and I will now be the office manager.

Few things have ever made me happy cry. In fact, I can’t name something that has until today. I, on the brink of mental breakdown, cried with happiness at the news I was being released from the fallout of my choices. Fortunately, it’s not a move backwards, but even if it was I would take it. I would sit next to the printer I hate more than spiders and gladly listen to it slowly drive me insane just to be back to what I know. Fortunately, it’s a move up, really. I’m very excited.

Once I got the news, it was like the weight of all my mistakes were lifted. I was mostly useless after the plumbers left. I was just so relieved. I cried, I laughed, I got Chipotle, and I took a nap, after scrubbing my bathroom floor enough that you could eat on it. I had to get the feces bacteria to die. I am still unsettled and I’ve washed the floor about fifteen times…

I’m sad that I didn’t make it in finance. I wanted to, but even if so,eine had shown me what I was doing and I’d gotten proper training, I’m just not comfortable selling. I understand having to make a profit, but I feel bad about it. Lol. I also hate interacting with customers. Our customers are often unpleasant.

Once we get me a desk and a computer, it’s all in place.

They are hiring an experienced finance person to replace me. With Carlos gone there’s really no reason for me to babysit paperwork, and the two folks we have are very meticulous, so I don’t think we will have problems. I’m just so happy to be going back to my desk with my list of duties and organization. I can listen to music and help people, and really I’m very good at that.

I’m fortunate enough to have seen the floor and how it is. The people were pretty okay, except Carlos, who I still want to punch for leaving me with so much shit work to do. While this has been one of the worst experiences in my eleven years of working for the store, I’m glad I got to see another perspective. I think it will help me later in.ife and often when trying to communicate with the sales floor. I never thought it would be so different.

So yes, today was terrible, but tomorrow will be better. It has to be, and there is so much hope now. Hope for a better future. I’m really looking forward to all the things I will learn and showing that this is where I really shine.

I was pleasantly surprised to hear the GM expressed concern that he was taking away the opportunity I asked for. I don’t agree with his whole look on things, but it’s nice to know that he wanted to be sure I knew about the negotiations before he said yes.

My ego is a little hurt that I didn’t cut it, and that I had to have my mom help me out of my choices. It feels really juvenile. Still, I think a big part of growing as a person is knowing when to deal with the consequences of your choices, and knowing when to throw in the towel. It’s ok to ask for help, and I often forget that. People might be made to suffer, but you are in more control of that than you realize. Life is not short, but it’s also worth not wasting.

As I close this door on my sales floor experience, I am reminded what people of faith often say: When God closes a door, he opens a window. Idunno about God, but I found me an open window, and I’m going to throw myself from this burning building and see if I can fly. If I can’t, at least I know who is there to catch me when I fall.

I’ve done the math… and I am fucked.

Firstly, I took this position without really knowing the details. I didn’t want to take the position without knowing the details, but my boss man isn’t great at knowing the details. I took the chance based on the idea that this was a great opportunity for me…. So I took it and hoped for the best. At least it was different. At least it was something besides titles.

Secondly, I bought a car for two reasons. One, because I drive myself to work everyday now. Two, I thought I’d be making enough to cover that. I love my car. I named her Gaz, the Rav4. I still love Topo, the Jeep. We kept her, because has no trade in value, but she’s definitely not worthless. She’s now the designated dog-transport vehicle, and I try to drive her on the weekends.

I just got paid today. I have exactly $94 to get me through to the 20th. That’s for gasoline, entertainment, groceries…
Fortunately, I use mid-grade fuel and so it gets me farther than unleaded, but it’s not cheap and I’d estimate I need like $50 for that… fortunately I have no social life, but I’m supposed to buy something when I go to a friend’s for dinner on Friday (but he’s sober so at least it’s not booze)… fortunately I can live on the contents of my house for a while and that I have a strange affection for ramen (I have a propensity not to really eat real food at this point, anyways)…
Unfortunately, I have four dogs and a cat… and Bdo gets special dental food so I don’t have to have his teeth ripped out… so that’s a good $17, and a bag of reg food for everyone else is like $14… So I’ve spent $81 metaphorically in my head already…

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I can make this budget work… but it’s going to be tight and terrible. It would be better if I didn’t have so much credit card debt, but I do. I cant’ tell my mom about that, of course, because I don’t want a lecture on my poor financial skills. I’m aware of them… but I don’t get the luxury of them anymore or we are going to starve. Ain’t that nice? Kinda. Maybe I will finally get out of debt.

This position is also terrible. I mean, no, it’s not terrible, but it’s not what I thought it would be. It’s been very stressful. I’ve often cried all the way home from work, and I’ve stopped eating lunches all together, which is a combination that’s lead to lots of binge eating. We all know how I feel after binge eating!

I’m just tired of crying… and this thing where I’m incredibly broke now is NOT GOOD.

Rambling Regrets

I complain a lot.
I’m never sure if that’s a side effect of me being a Millennial, or Bipolar, or something I picked up from growing up with a depressed mother who continues to just try as hard as she can.

I mean, Millennials are KNOWN for being complainers… That’s our thing as a generation, apparently (aside from so many of us feeling worthless, not knowing what to do with our lives, being generally cynical and despondent because we don’t have a great starting place in life, debating if college is worth the life-long debt, and having an existential crisis that results in debating suicide a lot… we’re known for all that, too). I feel like it comes from having nothing else to focus on. Other generations had wars… we have troops in combat, but we’re not “at war” in a traditional sense. No one is going to draft us. We wouldn’t stand for such a thing. We aren’t a generation that collectively likes America enough to die for it, much less get bullied into dying for it. The military is seen as a way to pay for college in my generation… so mostly we worry about the future… like social security… and the president… and the crippling debt of going to college… and the sad career implications of not going to college… and where we can find housing… and so we try to push that down… and end up choking on it.

Being Bipolar impacts so many things in my life that it’s hard to say whether or not I’m just being overly Bipolar, or if this is a normal reaction for someone without a mood disorder. I know it’s a normal reaction for someone WITH one…

Then there’s learned behavior. You don’t get out of childhood without your parents imprinting something on you that you should probably work through in therapy. For me, even after years of therapy, the main things that my mom unintentionally and regrettably imprinted on me are 1, life is inevitably shit, and 2, only the threat of death should stop you from work. My mom’s clinically depressed. She used to take meds. They didn’t really do anything to stop the crushing depression, so she, like I, just deals with it as best she can. She’s not usually the hopeless kind of depressed, but the monotonous kind of depressed. You get up, you go to work, and you do that until you die. We don’t take sick days, and we don’t expect things to get better when we’re stressed out or everything has gone to shit. Unlike her, though, I don’t live in constant fear of someone firing me… I know my value, which is something she also imprinted on me. I wish she knew hers.
She also imprinted good stuff on me totally by accident… like being okay being alone and not needing anyone. She doesn’t see that as a good thing, because she’s so used to family being a big thing in her life, but since my family sucks, it’s really an overwhelmingly good thing. She also constantly worries about who I’ll have when she dies… which is not a concern I have. I’ve settled with the fact I’ll probably be alone in life after that, and I’m okay with it… Be miserable together or be miserable alone… what’s the difference?

So, the job’s going fine, I guess… but it’s been a hard couple of weeks.

I don’t do that well with first days. It’s not a lifelong thing. My first day of school was fine. I remember bits and pieces of it… and it was fine. I was excited. I made friends. It was a good day.

My first day of middle school was weird. I hadn’t made friends at my elementary school, since I only spent one year there (I changed schools twice in elementary school), so it was big and terrifying and lonely. It was topped off with the fact that I was a latch-key kid. So I’d go home and lock myself up in my house. I eventually made some friends with some anime fangirls, and aside from the barrage of kids that rode my bus that seemed to want to cleave my head open with rocks, for whatever reason (true story), middle school was mostly fine.

The first day of high school I knew that I would need to find somewhere to fit in. My middle school friends found their place pretty easily, because they were okay with what they were socially. I envied them for that, cuz I definitely was not. They were welcomed with open arms to the table top gamer/anime weebs/thespian/general nerdy geek group. I didn’t want to be part of that group. It wasn’t that I didn’t like my friends, I did, but I didn’t want to be part of a group that was one step above 1980s stereotypical AV club kids. I’d been bullied enough, and I was over it, so I picked out a different group of people thatI thought would give me some implied respect, and just forcibly joined their ranks. (Literally, I just started silently sitting next to them and wearing lots of black until someone talked to me… took like three weeks.) I also kept my old friends, though… My high school experience was a lot less like the movies I grew up watching and was more like a whole school of kids being unsure of themselves as a group and trying to make up somewhere they fit in on the fly. We all had friends in every social group. I guess it was nice, really.

My first day of college was a wreck. I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t really understand how the classes worked. I got lost. I tore all my false nails off. My hands hurt for days.

The first week of this job was hell. I dealt with lots of heater customers that I couldn’t help, which did not make them happier. I went home and cried a lot. I pulled a lot of overtime… and of course, I’m not getting paid hourly anymore, so it doesn’t matter… At the end of the week, in tears, I purchased No Man’s Sky. The idea was that it’s a game with no objective than to explore… so it would be good for relaxing. Thankfully, it worked. I love the game.

I spent a lot of the past two weeks feeling like I’m in over my head here. I probably am, but I’m realistically treading water pretty well, but it doesn’t feel that way. It definitely didn’t feel that way when my Finance guy decided to put in his 30 day notice. It wasn’t because of me, but a lot of things… and he’s sad that we won’t get to work together longer, but you do what you have to for yourself and your family. I get that.

Here’s the thing though… I’m being paid to learn finance. In exchange for that, my job is to cleanup the paperwork. Most of the problems come from the finance guy. He’s a power seller, but he’s not great at paperwork. The finance girl pulls in half as much gross, but has perfect paperwork. So, if finance guy leaves… why would they continue to pay me to learn finance? They could hire two seasoned finance people. They’re everywhere, and it’s a very money-oriented position with a lot of earning potential…

So… been freaking out about that, and trying to learn everything I can as fast as I can, but I can’t learn what they’ve been doing for decades in a matter of weeks… I definitely don’t understand leases…. but I think I can fake my way through paperwork for cash and finance deals… I don’t know that I can sell anything… which makes me less valuable…

Yesterday I was trying to get bill out done for the office, which is also in chaos. As a result, I was here for eleven hours yesterday. I didn’t eat. I went home and went straight to bed… I couldn’t do anything else. Still not hungry this morning, either… and I thought I would be… I don’t know what’s happening to me… I don’t know that I made a good decision asking for this promotion…

All I know is that I have to keep going on. If they fire me, I’ll deal with it then… just gotta keep keeping on, I guess… In true family fashion, you keep going, even if it sucks your soul out…

In lighter news, I named a planet YumYumYum Human Hand in the system of Spoopy Demon Toaster in No Man’s Sky… Here’s a link to why that’s funny.