Diary Entry Epsilon Upsilon Theta Pi

Dear, dear diary, I wanna tell my secrets.
You’re the only one that I know will keep them.

Let’s see… what’s happened since Easter.

I went to my 6 week post op appointment, got cranked open and everything looks fine. I expected as much. I haven’t had any pain or anything in a couple weeks. I did ask her about the lingering fatigue, though. I feel like I’m always tired… But she just said I’m still healing inside, so maybe that’s it. I think it could also be dealing with my own hormones again. I’ve been on the Nuvaring so long that it was my normal. Now I have to deal with whatever my ovaries send out. It’s been annoying, but I’ve also been hella stressed, so it might NOT be my ovaries. Guess I’ll just see if it gets better. She did check my thyroid for abnormalities. As usual, it’s fine… which is good, but also disappointing. They can’t fix something if they can’t find it.

Friday night Chris had Amber babysit Addi so he could go with me to meet my cousin for dinner. I haven’t seen Ryan in like 15 years, and when he got offered a fully paid for vacation to Colorado for some book he wrote a story for (he got 3rd place) he jumped on the chance. I’d forgotten this, of course, and failed to properly plan. SO. I had them train into Union Station, and then Chris and I trained into Union Station. I met Ryan’s lovely wife of roughly 4 years, Colby, and we ventured out to explore.

Mostly we wandered around for a while, and then settled on BD’s Mongolian BBQ for dinner. I figured it was a safe bet, because you make your own stir fry, so everyone could get whatever they wanted. Over dinner we chatted. Ryan (33) grew up to be a librarian. I don’t know how that happened, but that’s what happened. Lol. He’s always liked to write, so I guess it suits him, really. I asked him about his brother, Jason, as he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in 2015. I guess he’s currently in remission, but he’s not getting his hopes up too high, as he’s been in remission before and it just comes back. I wish there was something I could do for him and his wife, but Ryan donated marrow to him, so all we can hope is that he stays in remission. Colby (21) is a nursing student, and asked me about my surgery (because in my haste to explain why I sucked at planning I blurted out that I had had cancer). She’s actually very knowledgeable and explained to us why I had to shoot myself in the tummy with Lovenox instead of something like taking it orally. (I guess stomach acid breaks it down and makes it less effective.)

Now, if you, like I, have done the head math, you will have noticed my cousin is 12 years older than his lovely wife, and that they’ve been married for 4 years… I guess when she was 18 they literally ran off and got hitched. When I did that head math I just went, “well, Ryan, that’s a very southern age gap.” We are a southern family, to be fair. My mom was 13 years older than my dad, got an aunt 15 years younger than her husband, got an aunt 20 years older than her hubster… you get it. I, personally, always found those age gaps gross and weird, but to each their own. Ryan and Colby are happy, and they’re a cute couple, and both sides of the family are on board with it. So, whatever two consenting adults do is their business. Lol.

After dinner, we headed over to the Dairy Block and got ice cream, trying to show them around my favorite part of LoDo, and then it was time to go home. I told them to come back any time, and they said to let them know if we ever wind up in Georgia. Lol. Ryan, being some of the only family I like, was a real treat, and I was really glad to see them.

Amber and Addi had a great time. Amber even did Addi’s makeup, which Addi loved. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little jealous. I’m not… great with kids… or Addi. I feel like I end up being a disciplinarian, because I tell her to behave. Other than that she likes my dogs, but I’m not 100% sure she really likes ME. She likes Amber, though. Amber is a really real life cartoon character that likes art. What more could you ask for in a babysitter? I wish I had that kind of… knack for children. I’m working on it… I’m just not… great at it.

Addi was supposed to go to her mom’s for the weekend, but had a birthday party in Aurora on Saturday afternoon that she REALLY wanted to go to… and she doesn’t have a lot of friends, so Chris thought it might be good for her. Meanwhile, Chris worked Saturday, and I went to meet my new boss lady.

MH is a lot closer to home, but it’s no high end dealer. That being said, I really liked the layout. It’s a small showroom sitting on a large plot of land. Actually, there’s multiple buildings, and it’s under construction for a remodel, so who knows what it’ll look like when they’re done. It’s… no Mercedes dealer, though. I felt very out of my element as a Mercedes employee for 13 years.

I met new boss lady. She’s actually really nice, it seems. She showed me the office. It looks like an office. She did say no green hair, so I’m thinking wine tones next color?

Honestly, it went great, and they’re gonna pay 75k-ish (based on gross) instead of the 70k I asked for. But seeing the place and meeting boss lady and everything made it so real… and I’ve been having panic attacks ever since. I had one today, even. Just thinking about… It’s bad. I know it’ll be okay, but right now it’s really not.

With Addi gone to her mom’s, Chris and Koopa came over. We played some video games and watched some stand up, and went to bed. Sunday morning we got up and after hanging out in bed till like 11, we invited Billie & Aaron to brunch at our Jewish deli. They came! It was great. Afterwards Chris and I went to Goodwill, cuz it was there, and got some random stuff. He found Addi a Five Nights At Freddy’s backpack, and I got some teacups from Japan, and we both got books… because books. It was just genuinely fun. Then we came home and played more Resident Evil.

This weekend I’m taking Addi to some comic shops for free comic book day, since Chris works. I’ll let you know how that goes. I tried to wrangle Sarah or Bren & Shaunna into coming and bringing THEIR spawn, but I ended up with Bird… who loves kids and comics and will prolly outshine me with Addi. Lol. But that’s okay. I’m excited.

Might grab pho with Billie & Aaron Sunday. Might see Endgame. Might sleep. Who knows.

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Easter

It was a pretty eventful weekend.

Friday night I didn’t do much… I tend to not do much when I’m home alone at night. I worked on a logo design I’m doing for my friend’s pretzels… that was about it. I waited up, though, because since Chris closed I asked if he could come over for the night. His mom said that was fine, since Addi would be asleep. I just needed some adult Chris time. We watched 2 episodes of The Orville and went to bed. It doesn’t sound like much, but it was. I just like having him around, ya know?

After Chris left Saturday morning, Mom called. We had plans. So we went to lunch at Ted’s, because Mom is on a bison kick. Then we walked the mall for a bit. I found some Easter stuff for Addi and Mom found some jewelry. Then we went for out hair cut. After that we went to TJ Maxx because I needed a new pan, but I ended up with WAY more than that, because I have a problem. We did NOT go into Michael’s, thank god. I debated going to Chris’ after we got home, but I was so tired I ended up accidentally napping from 630pm to about 930pm… and you’d think I’d be up all night after that, but I was definitely not. Went right back to sleep after I texted with Chris a little bit.

Sunday I slept in… I really gotta talk to my doc about this lingering fatigue thing tomorrow… and then Mom and I went grocery shopping and grabbed lunch before the movie. We went to see The Curse of La Llorona with Robyn & Chris. It wasn’t bad. It got Robyn a couple of times. Lol. That was also when Chris invited me to Easter dinner at his house… which I didn’t really wanna go to, but I did because he wanted me there.

So I get there and Addi answers the door, so I gave her the stuff the Easter Bunny left at my house for her. It cracked me up, because she’s such a spoiled brat. She pulls out the Unicorn Poop slime, and the Unicorn headphones, and is trying desperately to find more in the Unicorn Backpack… she’s like, “I think there’s more…” And I’m like, “search away kid, I just delivered what was left.” Aside from that, she was very excited with her Easter gifts.

The whole family was there: Mom, Dad, Chris, Sister, and even the gay Brother. It was fun to see them all together. They also had 3 people from church, who I’ve met several times but they never remember who I am. Lol. It was a lot of fun to see Chris with his siblings. It’s obvious that Sister and Younger Bro are close, but it was still cute. I expected a less outwardly gay brother, based on what I knew of the family, but he’s pretty outwardly gay. Lol. Not as flamboyant as some gay men, but there’s no question about it. I liked him. He’s funny.

Chris and I were playing Lucidity, when I hear and saw Addi go out front. She was playing with a basketball. A little while later, we went out to grab her and she was gone. It was terrifying… for me. Chris kept his cool and went down the street to collect her. She was crying and he was trying to explain why leaving the house without telling anyone at all is dangerous. She wanted to argue about it, and I was behind them… so I ran up behind her, put her under my arm, ran to my car and tossed her in and was like, “I could drive off before anyone even heard you scream.” She started crying again, but I feel like she got the point. Personally, I prolly woulda given her a smack on the butt for it, but I guess he thought me traumatizing her was enough.

Later, after dinner and after we put her to bed, Chris and I were talking about it and I was like, “I think I would have been a good parent, to be honest.” And he agreed, but then he said, “I think you will be.” He’s really excited to move in with me. Lol. It’s a nice feeling.

Speaking of dinner… there was pork, lamb, two kinds of stuffed chicken, twice baked potatoes, black olives, tomato and mozzarella salad, rolls, croissants, and the list goes on. I definitely did not leave hungry, and it was all very good food. I ended up having a pretty good time with them.

Anyways, that was Easter. I think I’m gonna make Chris celebrate Ostara with me next year… Addi would prolly like it, too. I’m excited to have Chris and Koopa all weekend this coming weekend. We’re gonna do a game night with Robyn & Dom, since Amber & Rob are going to Starfest all weekend. It should be fun, I think. Also, I go to my new job Saturday to talk to the GM and my new boss. That should be… that whole thing has been a clusterfuck, but I’m trying really hard to stay positive about it….

Exhaustion

It’s been an eventful week.

Monday, I had a panic attack because of my upcoming career move… there’s a whole entry about that, though.

Tuesday, Chris and I took the girls to see Shazam. It was great, but those three are a mess. First, Brin wanted to sit next to me, which is cool. Chris vetoed that because HE wanted to sit next to me. I was like, “dude, if she wants to sit next to me she can.”  But he ended up sitting next to me since I was on the end of the row. I considered moving so she could sit on my other side, but I didn’t feel like having the conversation in which Addi would prolly throw a fit. As it was, Addi tried to throw a fit when the waitress came, because Brin ordered her iced tea before Addi could order her food. She was wrenching up her face and pointing (literally) a tiny accusatory finger at Brin, and I just said in the most solid voice I’ve ever used, “ADDISON. TELL THE WOMAN WHAT YOU WANT TO EAT AND DRINK.” And she did. o we dodged that stray bullet… But, Addi’s jealousy doesn’t stop there. Oh no. In the middle of the movie, she got out of her seat and crawled in Chris’ lap, which is fine, but she also told him he wasn’t allowed to hold my hand… to which I was glad he told her he was gonna do it anyways. After the movie, she also wanted to ban us from kissing. I guess that’s fair, since I am jealous of the fact she has a good dad… Lol.

We were supposed to do laser tag, but Chris didn’t get it planned in time, so instead we took the girls to Casa Bonita. The most amusing part of that, for me, was definitely Brin’s complete lack of knowledge of Mexican food and the Spanish language. I guess Mexican isn’t as prevalent in Wyoming as here in Denver.

The ride there should have been a good omen for the visit. Addison got mad at me and Brin, because Addi kept picking at a scab on her arm… and I told her to stop, or it’ll get infected, and once gangrene sets in all that’s left is to amputate or you’ll die. (I am dramatic, I know.) So then Brin and I were talking about divvying up Addi’s stuff when she dies of gangrene, and Addi started crying because we were “taking [her] stuff.” I was like, “Nothing actually happened… calm down.” She was miffed by that, but then her and Brin got into a chopping war and were giggling and having a good time, so she let it go.

Both the girls had a lot of fun at Casa Bonita. It IS kind of a child wonderland. Addi was obsessed with the diver, who I chatted with a lot. His name is Anthony and he’s a gymnast and he’s hella nice. Then she chased the gorilla when it ran around the restaurant. There’s something hilarious about a man in a gorilla outfit being chased by a woman with a large net, and then Addi just tailing them through the restaurant. She also came and hauled Chris through Black Bart’s Cave, which apparently scared Brinley, because there were kids in there trying to scare each other. Brin, did not run around as much, but she did enjoy having Addi free time with her dad and myself, and when she did go explore she thought the arcade looked fun.

Oh, the arcade… this is where it all fell apart. So, they ran a special on tokens and I got both girls tokens. Admittedly, I got Brin twice as many, because she wanted to go to the arcade and Addi was still just lost in this restaurant harassing gorillas somewhere. Both girls went in and played games, then Addi decided to give Brin the rest of her tokens and run off again. Which was fine, really, except when it came to turning in tickets. At 5, Addi wasn’t great at games anyways, so she only had 13 tickets, and had run off leaving unused tokens with Brin (11), who figured out this Jackpot game and managed to get over 100 tickets. While Brin was turning in all the tickets and trying to figure out what she could get for Addi and herself, Chris went and found Addi, who then had a MELTDOWN about the tickets. Bless the college aged prize man, because when Addi hit the ground and started sobbing (to which I looked at Chris and said, “You should deal with that, DAD.”) he reached behind the counter and gave her a plastic ring that was worth 30 tickets at no cost to Brin. Brin got some little flying spinner thingy, and Addi continued to be miserable because she didn’t get… I dunno why she was still upset, really.

She was tired, I know that. It was after 9 when we left, and in spite her nap she was tired from running all over the damn place. She is also just jealous as fuck of Brin, which I get but don’t get. I get it because she’s 5 and she’s jealous of literally everything, but she also gets her dad full time and Brin doesn’t so I don’t get the spite. Anyways, we pass the free candy bowl and Addi steals a handful, because she’s 5 and 5 year olds suck. Then we go outside and she wants to use the giant fountain as a jungle gym because it’s not running yet. I had to shut that down, too. We got in the car and I hear this little voice say, “Sam, I didn’t have a good time.” So I turn around and she’s on the brink of tears and stuff, and I’m just like, “I’m sorry you didn’t have a good time watching divers and chasing gorillas and playing in a giant restaurant. I’ll never bring you back.” I would pay money to have her reaction to that on film, because we both know she had fun… but she’s unhappy and wants to say she didn’t and blame it on Brin. So she tries to push out some sentence about how Brin should have shared her tickets, and I was just honest with her. “Brin is 11. She’s better at games than you, and she won her tickets fair and square, and she’s not obligated to share them with you. As it is, you didn’t have enough tickets for anything and that nice man gave you a ring worth 30 tickets.” She didn’t have much of a response for that except to whimper ALL THE WAY HOME.

You know that whimper kids make when they don’t REALLY have anything to cry about, but they want you to be worried about their feelings? It was that. For an hour. All the way home. When we pulled up to my house I told Brin to let me know when she was coming back so I could make sure Chris and I planned a good time for her, and told Addi I’d see her later. After I closed the door I saw Addi wretch up her face to cry, which she apparently did all the way to their house. She only felt better after she told Chris’ dad about why she was upset. I found THAT hilarious, because half the time she hates HIM, too. But whatever. 5 year olds.

Spending that much time with Chris and his kids, I learned a few things.

First, Addison has been poorly parented up till now (by everyone in her life, it seems). She’s a spoiled rotten little narcissist that thinks crying is going to solve all her problems. As a result, she’s not really sure what to do with me, since I don’t respond to it like everyone else. I don’t negotiate and I don’t care if she screams and cries till she’s hoarse… I just tell her to do it somewhere I can’t hear it or to stop.

Secondly, I am 100% my mother when parenting. I don’t have time for kids to act a fool for no reason. I maintain my very dry sense of humor, and while I try not to overstep, since there are NOT my kids, I seem to have assumed the role of disciplinarian for Addi. I don’t punish her, but I don’t take her crap, and that seems really mean to her right now. I’m not thrilled about this, but if she’s gonna be in my life, we’re gonna have to deal with each other.

Lastly, Chris is more of a follower than I originally thought. For months it’s been in my head that he’s older than me (only by 3 years)  and so I can’t act childish or anything. Spending time with him and his kids has shown me that it really doesn’t matter, because he’s not going to think I’m childish… and even if he did, he likes not being so serious.

So… I’d say that while it’s exhausting it was a good week.

Go With It

So… Corporate is making me take that job at the sister store that I turned down. Apparently, after 13, going 14 years, my boss being my mother is finally a problem. I find this funny coming from our CFO, because prior to being the CFO, he was a controller and his dad was a head honcho at corporate. But… nepotism… I get it.

I wish they had presented it that way, though. Like, just tell me. “Hey, we can’t have you and your mom in places of management at the same store, but we want to keep you both. So, we’ve arranged for you to move to another store, which we know is struggling with office management, and to compensate you, we will be working out a raise, as well as a title change.” Oh, okay. When’s that happening so I can make all the arrangements?

I’m also a little ticked that no one has actually talked to ME about it. The CFO talks to the GM, and the GM talks to my mom instead of me. My new GM talks to me, though. So… maybe things will work themselves out.

I know I can do the job. I have no qualms about that. I am not excited to pull those hours and get everything in order… but I’m kind of excited to start somewhere new. And it’s closer to home, so maybe I’ll be able to go home at lunch, which the dogs would love.

Just… don’t feel great about it, right now. I cried about it. I was pissed off about it. Now I’m just trying to get the office in order so I don’t leave mom in a lurch. I’m also kind of excited to not be the go-to tech person anymore… that’s gonna be fun… till I mess it up and end up the go-to tech person again… I know too many things.

I was all anger and tears Friday evening, so Chris put Addi to bed and came over to just listen to me vent. Somehow, that boy always seems to make everything okay. I love that about him, but also I worry I’ll come to rely on that. We talked over how this is going to affect us and our plans… and really it just kind of speeds some stuff up. So, I guess it’s gonna be alright. We’ll figure it out.

This weekend I had a nice time, though. Chris and I took Addi to a used board game sale, and then we had a picnic in the park with Bdo and Frankie. Bdo loves Addi, so she was excited to play with him. Frankie wasn’t sure about the park… but we got her to have some fun. We tied Bdo and Frankie together, because Bdo doesn’t want to do anything and Frankie likes running… So she dragged him, and he kept her from running off. Addi played with some neighborhood kids. She was holding onto this new kind of merry-go-round and I saw her legs flying out, and was like, “that looks danger-OH NO.” She FLEW off. And I got to watch it. I laughed. I couldn’t help it. It was awesome. She cried. Chris pushed down his giggle to go check on her. Little bit of road rash, but she’s fine and went back to playing after she told Bdo she was okay.

We had a good time, and then we all went to take a nap. Chris picked me up for a game night Amber and Rob invited us to. I didn’t realize it was in Westminster when I insisted he drive. Lol. But we went, and he let me torture him with my Top Songs of 2016 playlist. We were supposed to go to some Italian buffet thing, but when we got there the wait was 2 hours… so we ended up going to CB & Potts, which was fine. I had Ahi Tuna Nachos, and they were bomb.

Amber has nice friends, and I think Chris is enjoying her dragging Rob out to do things. She took us to this cool gaming arena. You check in and pick a side. One side has a liquor license, the other is a coffee shop. Then you sit down, order, and you get your own e-hookah. I haven’t hookah’d in a long time. It was a lot of fun.

What was not fun was sitting on a folding chair and it collapsing under my weight. Talk about fat girl nightmares… I got lucky I didn’t crack my head on anything, but as I lay there, I gave up for a second. I reached a “this may as well be my life” moment. I must’ve laid there too long because a girl frantically asked if I was okay and helped me up. She turned out to be Malina… my ex-bestfriend Rachael’s sister. That was nuts. Small world syndrome is nuts. She was sweet, though. She whacked off her hair and I think she was on a first date… It gave me feelz I wasn’t into having… but I didn’t let it ruin the night.

We all got seated, I drank some tea and sucked on a hookah, and even though I brought 2 games, and Rob & Amber brought like 6, we ended up playing one of the house games called THINGS. It was a good time. Chris and I got home around midnight, and we watched standup for a bit before passing out. Since Addi goes to church with his mom, we had a lovely Sunday morning in bed just being gross and romantical. As we do.

Then I went out, got my car detailed, bought new windshield wipers for both vehicles, took mom to see Dumbo, and then hit the grocery store. It felt very productive. I liked Dumbo, btw. It was a more adult version of the story, though. I’m not sure it has much appeal for young kids. Maybe like… pre-teens. Mostly it appealed to people who grew up with the 1941 animated cartoon. They did a good job, but they changed a lot of it.

In other news, Chris’ oldest, Brinley, is coming down for her Spring Break next week. I told Chris to ask her what she wanted to do, and she wants to laser tag. Girl… we gonna laser tag! I also tried to think of some other things. Figured in a movie, and maybe we can do dinner somewhere fun one night. I’m excited to meet her, but also pre-teen girls are the meanest people on the planet, so… that should be fun.

Life is… still okay. I’m not happy about the job thing, but I can embrace this as an opportunity and go with it. I’m worried that I won’t get the house finished quick enough, but in reality we have a year to get Chris and Addi in and settled, since she’s going to be with her mom for the summer and next school year. My health is pretty good. We even managed to have sex and it was not unpleasant. It’s different, though.

It’s just a lot of change… I have never been very good at change… but I’ll be okay… cuz I have to be.

Who Killed Laura Palmer?

I love Twin Peaks. If I’m honest, I even love the new Twin Peaks season. That’s why, when I heard David Lynch’s daughter wrote a book called The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer I definitely wanted to read it. Instead, I got the audio book, narrated by Sheryl Lee herself, the actress who played Laura Palmer all these years. I didn’t realize it was going to be such a dark descent into using sex to feel and drugs to not. It’s a very intense book. It’s crazy. Good, but crazy. I think the book bothers me because while I’m not being haunted by Evil Bob, I had something of sordid life involving sex… so it’s a little triggering.

With that, I’ve started seeing a talk shrink. I don’t know how it’s going to go, yet. I like her well enough for only having seen her once. She wants me to try DBT. I dunno that I want to try DBT. David 2 is in DBT. He thinks it’s great… but he also thinks he’s better, and I disagree. So. Unsure about that.

I had to stop taking the Ritalin. It gives me a headache and makes me nauseous. With that, I’ve noticed that my moods aren’t right. I emailed my med shrink to tell her. I dunno what she’ll do. I guess I have to wait.

Chris asked me to babysit again on Sunday. I agreed. I don’t really want to, but I’m trying to focus on what everyone else has said about it. It’s nice he trusts me with his kid. It’s nice she likes me. It means something. It means that he trusts me. Trust is the basis of a good relationship. I should value that. I like Addi, but I’m just not really big on kids, I guess. I ordered her some old movies for Christmas, to go with a pop up book I thought was pretty cool. Who doesn’t love The Brave Little Toaster or A Goofy Movie? I hope she likes them. If she doesn’t, all I can say is that I’m not great with kids. I worry my apathy towards kids is going to be a problem for Chris and I later. He’s going to notice. He’s going to feel personally attacked because he’s got two kids. We’ll fight. I’ll have my first real broken heart.

I know I should calm down and relax about it, because every love story is a tragedy if you wait long enough, but…. well, I guess I’m jealous. You see, we hooked up Rob and Amber, and that’s great, but I’m jealous of them. They’re both 31 with no kids and very few responsibilities. She’s at his house almost every single night. They’re so in love, in a sick and unhealthy obsessive kind of way. Chris has Addi. Chris has Brinley. Chris has massive crippling debt. Chris has a wife. There’s honestly a lot standing between us and the out of control sickening love that Rob and Amber have going on, and I’m jealous of that. I’ve never been in love before. Somehow it feels like I got jipped (for the record I tried to think of another word, because I hate using a word relating back to the oppression of the Romany people, but I just couldn’t think of one that conveyed what I’m trying to say) on the experience, since I’m having to make sacrifices for it. That’s the cost of falling in love for the first time so late in life, I guess.

I know it’s selfish. I know that I’m selfish for wishing things were different. I know when you love someone you’re not supposed to want them to be different, but if we’re honest I wish I’d met him before he’d had kids. We could have been crazy in love. Now we’re… tip-toeing around kids and his relationship with his soon to be ex-wife. He wants to be her friend. She texted him last weekend, and she was having some kind of crisis and wanted all of his attention, and he didn’t give it to her, but it distressed him. He was still trying to figure out what to say the next morning, because he doesn’t know how to play it. He’s worried I’ll be jealous, and I am, but I’m not going to tell him that. He’s worried she’ll be mad he’s not giving her his attention, and she was BUT SHE HAS A LIVE IN BOYFRIEND SHE COULD TALK TO.

I guess my honeymoon phase with Chris is over. We’re entering the part where you have to make some decisions and sacrifices…. and I’m really not sure I want to make any of those. It’s gonna get real hard and weird…. and I’m not looking forward to that.

Quality Time

This past weekend, I got Chris all to myself from Friday night to midday Sunday. It was SO NICE OMG.

As a rule, I try not to be a clingy girlfriend, but if we’re being honest I would spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week with this man. That’s new for me. Even with Grant, who is probably my best ex, I would get up early after he spent the night and make him leave. I don’t feel that way with Chris. It’s gross. I’m in love. That being said, this weekend was great.

Chris had the whole weekend off, but it had been a rough week for him, so when he arrived on Friday night I offered to buy dinner. We got Casa Gutierrez, which turned out to be pretty good Mexican, and watched some Daniel Sloss. Chris was in top form: by that, I mean he was so… up. I couldn’t help it, I asked if he’d considered that he might be bipolar. He just said yes. He was so happy, though. He was bouncy and wanted to snuggle, and we danced in the living room, and he was just so excited to be with me. It was really nice. He was happy to play Fluxx with me (lost Adventure Time & Batman, but owned him in Cthulhu Fluxx), and we went upstairs and played some N64 (which I super lost), and then we were watching Food Wars when I passed out. I hate when I pass out early, especially during Chris time, but he didn’t mind. He turned off Food Wars and we snuggled up and I slept really well…. until Frankie figured out how to escape the sleep kennel. My brain wakes me up when I hear Bdo feet. I rounded them up, though.

Saturday morning we snuggled a lot. I like snuggling him. Sue me. I had to run off to a hair cut at 10am with Mothership, and originally he was going to sleep while I was gone, but decided to run home. I was only gone for like two hours with Mothership, but she was acting hella weird. It dragged my mood way down for some reason. We got our hair cut, and then went to Torrid because she wanted some leggings, but she also bought me a really cute sweater. I offered to do something else with her, since we were out, but she just wanted to go home. I can’t exactly explain what was wrong, but it was just how she responded. She seemed annoyed, but I’m not sure that she really was. Anyways, I got home and my mood crashed, but I let Chris know I was home and sad. He came over hellbent on A, making me feel better, and 2, to take me on an adventure. He hugged me and showed me his box of N64 games, that are going to live at my house, now, so we can play. Then he decided we were going to Black & Read and pushed me out of the house.

I love Black & Read, but it’s way up north, so I don’t get up there that often. So we embarked on an adventure! It was especially an adventure because we had no idea how to get to Black & Read. In the car, I drove and Chris navigated. We played with Spotify and introduced each other to so good music. We sang. We laughed. I honestly loved just being in the car with him for like an hour. I just enjoy his company. Inside Black & Read was no different. We started together, pouring over the board games, talking about games we like, ones he has, ones we wanted, and just being mesmerized by the chaos setup of Black & Read. We picked up some “escape the room” card games to try, since I was having people over that night for board games, and then ended up splitting up to wander around. I scoured the books and reveled in the disarray of the Black & Read system (literally it’s STUFF EVERYWHERE vaguely sorted by games, books, or music, and then vaguely by genre). I found a couple of books (Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys & Blade Runner), and we met back up in the vinyl section, where I was debating buying some Jefferson Airplane.

By that point, it was mid-afternoon. We were hungry, but unfamiliar with the area. So… I checked the travel time and asked if he wanted Cajun. Chris always wants Cajun. So we loaded up and it only took about 30 minutes to get to Littleton. I took him to Nono’s… because of course I did. I didn’t think about it at the time, but we didn’t lack on conversation. It just… flowed. It usually does when we’re out and about. I love that about him. Afterwards, he’d googled how late this other game store I wanted to visit was open… and since it was open we loaded up and headed to The Gaming Goat. It’s a lovely store, complete with tables for playing the house games, of which there are MANY. And you don’t even have to rent the table. It’s first come first play, but they have plenty of room. And they let you bring your own food, etc. We looked at all their games, and I, in my infinite wisdom, bought yet another game called Apocrypha. It’s a really cool sounding game, though.

So we went home, and Rob & Amber flaked on game night, and Bird plain forgot… so instead we broke out Apocrypha and watched a tutorial on how to play, followed by us trying to figure out how to play. It was pretty fun. A little involved, but that’s the point. I ordered pizza pretty late, and even though he said he wasn’t hungry, he helped me half a pizza and half an order of meatballs that were crazy good. Then out of nowhere I decided we should watch Saw 3, because Saw is my favorite horror series, and he’s only see one and two. So we popped it in, but when they got to the part where the doctor has to cut open John’s skull…. Chris bitched out. Which I gave him shit for. I then reassured him that I can watch my torture porn by myself, and he doesn’t have to watch it with me. In response, we went upstairs and were going to watch something funny, but ended up just making out a lot and forgot about TV… and… ya know…

In the morning, Chris offered to go buy stuff for breakfast and I offered to cook it. I made him chorizo cheese grits with eggs, while he watched and asked questions about how to cook stuff. I like teaching him things. He doesn’t historically like grits… but it’s my favorite breakfast, so he tried mine. The difference is, mine are hella fucking thick… and he loved them! He ate more than I did. It was impressive. Then we just hung out for a while. He had to go pickup Addison in Brighton that afternoon, so we just snuggled up and watched some first episodes of some shows he was interested in. I was so happy.

Then he left… and I was going to do something with my afternoon, but I didn’t want to. I snapped him that I should have gone with him, and he said he was still at home if I wanted to come. So I did.I knew I should stay home and clean something or prepare for the week, but I just didn’t want to…

We left immediately, and it’s a long drive to Brighton, so we played with Spotify some more. It was fun! I was nervous, though. I was now showing up unannounced, and while Chris was obviously good with it, I dunno how the ex felt about it. The ex didn’t seem to mind, but she looked frazzled in general. She was fighting with Addi when they arrived, and I got the feeling that it was more or less an all weekend thing. I dunno, obviously, but I’ve seen many a frazzled mother. This wasn’t just “it was a long drive with a 5 year old” frazzled. But she said hello to me, hugged Chris (they’re trying to be friends), and passed Addi off.

What’s interesting is that I could SEE Addi fighting with her mom when they pulled up, but she got out of the car, caught sight of me, got in Chris’ car and proceeded to be calm, and even polite. My mom thinks that might be because I was there, since I seem to have a different relationship with her than other adults. Addison and I don’t have a long relationship, but the time we’ve spent together has had two things: clear boundaries and clear communication. I’ve setup a strong expectation of behavior since I started spending time with her and Chris, and that expectation is that if she’s well behaved we can have a lot of fun, as well as that if she throws a tantrum I don’t want to be around her anymore. I don’t know how accurate that inference is… maybe she changed because I was there and maybe not, but it was nice that she calmed down.

So, I thought after this we were going home, but I was wrong.

Chris has been trying to get me to go to dinner with his parents for a couple weeks now, so seeing his chance to force me into it by having driven us to Brighton, he then headed for Lakewood. We got to White Fence Farm and the place is a sensory overload. There were so many people, the wait time is 3 hours for a table, no reservations accepted, plus it’s part amusement park…. kind of like a Farm version of Casa Bonita. It was chaos, and Addi was not great at sitting still, so my stress went way up, but then we left. Chris got a table number, and when he was told there was such a long wait, he googled something else for us to do.

Much to my surprise, he took us to a 2nd & Charles. That was a great idea! Except that I spent money. He has to stop taking me to stores that want my money. He let Addi go mess around in kids books and toys while we looked at sci-fi and fantasy novels, and I picked up some books I definitely didn’t need. Addi came and found us with a basket filled to the brim with toys… and I had to laugh. She’d picked up two or three of things so she could give one to Isis (ex’s bf’s daughter) or her friend at school or her sister. Chris made her put everything back, but bought her a neon Freddy Fazzbear, since she’s obsessed with Five Nights At Freddy’s. I told her that if she found a book she liked I’d buy it for her, and she came back with three. If kids’ books weren’t so pricey I’d have gotten her all three… but instead I told her to pick one, which she did and put the rest back.  It was just nice to hang out with them in such a… me-friendly setting. We even found a table where we could play some games and taught Addi to play checkers. Then we loaded up and met his parents for dinner.

Kids are strange creatures. We met up with Chris’ parents at White Fence Farm and Addi turned into something of a brat. She seems to like her grandparents but she can flip on Chris’ dad in a heartbeat. I think she doesn’t like how he teases her, in that way that old men tease small girls. He threatened to toss her neon Freddy into a nearby fountain… at which point Chris did intervene and ask why his dad would continue to tease her knowing she was going to scream about it… which she did, and Chris had to haul her off for a conversation about behaving in public.

Dinner was great. I dunno how White Fence Farm has been operating in the red with that good chicken dinner they have. Crispy but fall off the bone tender… hard to do, but so tasty. Conversation with the parents was… good. I had a nice time, but I’m so fucking awkward. Chris was ever his reassuring self, though. We got through it. They did pick at Addi about eating, though. Chris, once again to his credit, told them to leave her alone. I really appreciate that he sticks up for his kid, especially when it’s an issue that he took my advice on how to resolve.

On the way home he and I played with Spotify while Addi played with her tablet. I just wallowed in the nice feeling of having had him for a whole weekend, and how I didn’t get sick of him or irritated with him once. That’s so rare for me. I’m a very lucky girl.

I’m so not used to being in love… but I like it more and more on the daily.

Good Kid

Last night, I babysat Addison while Chris’ parents went to a concert. It was only for about four hours, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about doing it. While I’m pretty sure my friends Bren & Shaunna would let me watch Michael with no hesitation, the only other person on the planet that’s ever trusted me with their kids was Traci when I was 18… so I was heavily out of practice, and honestly very worried that she and I wouldn’t get along.

All my fears were for naught. I got there and she was excited. We built some towers out of blocks, did a puzzle, did some alphabet stuff, had a stuffed animal fight, spend a while just tickling her (cuz that’s an easy way to amuse children), and then we watched The Emoji Movie. I ordered pizza for food, and shortly after it showed up Chris came home. He put Addi to bed, and we watched some standup.

Overall it was a nice evening. No fits, no pouting, no whining… She was a well behaved kid. It was definitely better than I expected.

I did notice…. a couple of things.

1, She lacks confidence in her knowledge of letters and words, as well as letter sounds, and also… I think she might be dyslexic, which could explain why she hates letters and words and reading. I’m no teacher or expert on such things… but it wouldn’t surprise me to find out she’s dyslexic later. Granted, maybe it’s something she’ll grow out of, too, as her confidence and experience with reading grows.

2, She really wants people to pay attention to her. I’ve noticed on several occasions that the biggest thing that Addi responds well to is attention. It’s not uncommon for kids whose parents split up to want more attention. You end up seeing one of them a lot less, because you live with one. Then you have to contend with the changes the other parent goes through. I was two, so I don’t remember a lot, but as a kid from a broken home myself, I just want to be sure I’m not causing her MORE stress. So, I told Chris he can’t stay with me when he has Addi anymore… and that I’ll have to learn to come see both of them.

3, She’s a really good kid. I was worried about watching her because when I’ve been with her and Chris, she does that whining tantrum thing any time she doesn’t get her way. Last night she didn’t do that until Chris came home and told her it was bed time. Even when I took away candy, and told her that she couldn’t eat popcorn because I’d already ordered dinner, she was visibly disappointed, but didn’t fight about it. Maybe that’s because I constantly tell her to stop making that noise and to pick her battles. I dunno. Kids change based on who they’re with, because they will always treat you the way they’ve been allowed to treat you. I guess we’ll see if that pops up again later.

Anyways… that was my Sunday.

The rest of the weekend was uneventful. Thursday night I saw Ralph Breaks the Internet with Chris and Addi. It was crazy adorable. Loved it. Chris came over Friday night after work and we watched FEAST! Which was exciting to me. He didn’t stay the night, but we had a really nice evening. Saturday I saw Fantastic Beasts 2 with mom, which was good but I’m still angry the ONE SLYTHERIN PROTAGONIST is now dead… ugh… Slyther-rage.  That evening Chris and I went to see The Possession of Hannah Grace. It was a better movie than I thought it would be, but it turned out anticlimactic at the end. Still, we sat in a row with other couples, including a really cute young couple (teens maybe) who cuddled up under a blanket. We snickered and talked through most of it, because we’re those people, but I don’t think we disturbed anyone. He came back to mine and staid the night. We watched…. Food Wars (Shokugeki No Soma) or stand up… and it was just nice. Sunday I mostly laundry until I had to babysit.

So… not a productive or eventful weekend… but I feel like I learned some things…