Better

Exciting news on the puppy front! Kyrie loves her. They play in the living room. There’s something rewarding and adorable about my 45lb German Shepherd/Shar Pei/Chow mix trying to figure out how to play with a 2lb 3oz puppy that yips and squeals at every play bow. Kira plays with Frankie in the backyard, too. Kira, being a 40lb dog herself, is also crazy adorable when playing with Frankie. They play tag. Kira lets Frankie jump all over her. It’s so cute!

I’ve been worried about Kyrie, because she, like me, was in mourning of Keagan. Frankie really seems to have lifted her spirits, though. Everyone is getting something of a workout with Frankie around. She plays with Kyrie and Kira, she TRIES to play with Bdo and he cleverly evades her at every turn… and the cat is getting a lot of exercise loathing her existence. Lol.

Being happy has made me reflect on how much better I’m feeling on the whole. July 2017 Me wouldn’t believe that I was going to feel this okay, even if I went back and told her. She also wouldn’t believe that I actually whacked all my hair off. But the truth is, even with how wretched of a year I’ve had, I AM BETTER.

  • I don’t cry everyday for no reason
    • Or even for a reason like I just feel sad… cuz I don’t feel sad
  • I don’t feel like life is totally pointless
    • Only KIND OF pointless, in a fun way
  • I don’t obsess about my weight anymore
    • Am I fat? Yeah, but my wardrobe is hella cute
    • Also I’m not binge eating
      • Although sometimes I overdo on Chipotle…
        • I love Chipotle
    • But I’m also not dieting
    • I just feel good about me
  • I don’t dread social interaction
    • I’m even branching out into new social interactions
      • Like Pathfinder up at Robot Boy’s place
    • And I’m kinda half-dating someone now
    • And I can’t wait to take Frankie places after she gets all her shots
  • My mess bothers me
    • Like, if I don’t clean the house this weekend, I’m gonna lose my shit, cuz I deserve to come home to clean and organized
    • I also need to clean both cars
    • And mow the lawns
    • And probably rearrange the living room better
  • I have the desire to do things
    • I want to clean the house
    • I want to finish cleaning out the basement
    • I want to clean out the crawl space
    • I want to zero-scape the backyard
    • I want to repaint the inside of the house
    • I want to redo my bathroom
    • I want to get my banisters redone
    • I want to organize all my art stuff
    • I want to read more
    • I want to get back into illustration
    • I have art projects I want do
    • I want to train Frankie to be SUCH A GOOD GIRL
    • I want to retrain Kira
    • I want to go to the dog park with them
    • I want to display my Halloween town and Monster High dolls
    • I want to organize my books
    • I want to crochet some stuff for winter
    • I have so many wants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It makes me think about how far I’ve come, because I’d lost so much.

It’s uncanny to think that I could have been so poorly off and no one knew. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t trust them with my feelings. I didn’t want to bring anyone down. I didn’t want to sound whiny and emo. I didn’t want to burden anyone. And mostly I just didn’t trust them.

I’ve had problems with interpersonal relationships for… probably as long as I can remember having interpersonal relationships. I didn’t have friends going into middle school so I hooked up with people I saw as nerds, and then abruptly dropped them when I hit high school because they were nerds. To get friends in high school I essentially fabricated my whole personality to match what the kids I wanted to associate with were into. I didn’t bring much of myself into that. In college I felt incredibly lost because everyone was gone to other schools or on with their lives. When my best friend left to law school I had a complete freak out trying to figure out what I’d do without him. Even after college, I settled into a version of myself that I had to build from the scraps of who I’d been and who I lied about being. It’s only recently I’ve kind of let those things go and just EXISTED as a person.

I’m not saying I found myself, because that sounds new age-y and weird. I’m just saying that for once I’m not trying to be anyone. I’m not trying to be edgy. I’m not trying to fit in. I’m not trying to live up to some standard I think you have that I can’t even verify exists. I’m just living. I’m doing stuff. I’m trying to enjoy life.

It’s nice.

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2018… Not A Great Year So Far…

How is 2018? Well… it’s not great.

Let’s review my work life right now.

  • Biller #1 walked out right before year-end bill-out
  • Biller #2 had her baby a month early, right before year-end bill-out
  • Year-end as the only biller, plus everything else I do
  • New Biller started and quit after two days
  • Finally got two billers I think will be good, and the warranty girl puts in her notice

And that’s about where we are right now.

I’m tired of training of people. My only solace is that these two billers will be good, I think. They’re both bright and motivated to work. I think if either leave any time soon I will just curl up and die under their desk as a tribute to my absolute disappointment in them. But I think they’ll stay, and they’re doing really great, and I’m excited for this bullshit to be over….

Just in time for my warranty gal to leave. She’s going to a pot-lot (car lingo for a used car lot, with buy-here-pay-here ish going on), where she’s going to be the whole office. Now, I almost went to a Maserati store where I was gonna be the whole office, but that was like 15 deals a month, and they don’t take payments at the store… so it wouldn’t have been terrible… I’m not sure this is a wise career move for my friend here, but she has to make her own decisions, and this one gives her an extra $3/hr. On top of that, she really irritates me by watching TV on her phone while she works and blatantly ignoring people who talk to her. Love her as a person, kind of hate her as an employee.  I know she can be a hard worker, but she’s been an alright employee and we know that she hates her current position doing warranty, so I wish her the best. But fuck I don’t wanna train someone to do her job…

My moods are all over the place with the constant barrage of stress and idiocy that keeps getting thrown at me at work, plus we (mothership and I) haven’t gotten a weekend off since December… so that’s pretty shite. Still, she’s getting some good money this month and has offered to help me buy a new bed and a desk for my living room… so at least I know SHE appreciates me, if no one else. We’re hoping to get the office settled and be able to sit back and do actual office manager and controller things… like analyzing data and how procedures are getting done. It would be weird to actually have that kind of time, but ya know… it’s the dream.

Tonight Kyrie and Kira (my dogs) got into it and Kira tore Kyrie’s nose open… she’s okay, but I lost my damn shit. I was just so upset, because I’m working so hard to provide a nice life for them and they fight… it’s like a real kick in the dick.

I also impulse bought books again… but I think I’m good for a while. I just… needed something to look forward to, and books are always good for that.

My eating habits are terrible, in the sense I’m eating a fuck ton, but I’m eating less crap than normal… at least it’s not Taco Bell, it’s whatever I make in the Instant Pot that day. My stationary bike should be here any day and I’m hoping to do that nightly, as well as eating less… I must eat less… but this stress is just crazy. I don’t know how people function like this ALL THE TIME. I need a break… like a vacation… Ugh.