Long Term Goals

So we, as in Chris and I, have decided to make a long term goal of moving him and Addi in. We’re not sure what the situation with Addi will be, but it’s down the road.

Before I can even entertain the idea of moving him in, there’s a lot of things I have to get done in the house.

  • Finish cleaning out the basement
  • Marie Kondo everything
  • Repaint stuff
  • Fix the ceiling in the basement
  • Fix the stairs
  • Cleanup the backyard

Not to mention he has to Marie Kondo HIS stuff, and we have to figure out how to integrate our stuff together. Also, before he moves in, it would be nice to get him a different job and know his budget. I don’t need him to pay the mortgage, but I have to know we’re gonna have money for food and utilities, etc.

Chris and I are gonna setup shop in the basement, use the red room as a walk in closet/office, and set Addi up in the upstairs bedroom. Which we’ll also have to paint, cuz my obnoxious green isn’t really good for small children.

I have outlets to fix… and the banister has to get fixed… It’s gonna be a process.

But… I like having long-term goals with someone. It feels like we’re working toward something. I like that. I like planning a future with someone. It’s so… nice.

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I got the weird feelz

So, I asked Chris what we were going to do with Addi this weekend, and he told me he and the whole family, even Koopa, are all going out of town for the weekend to see his great grandparents, freeing up my weekend and making me exempt from having to do “kid things.” I feel like I should be happy about that, because I don’t really like doing things that involve children, even Addi, but I feel… not… good… I don’t want to go with them, or anything, but I’m like disappointed.

It doesn’t make sense to me, but David says that it makes sense to him… so maybe it’s just a case of not recognizing feelings. Or maybe stress?

I’m worried about Kyrie. Monday evening I came home to a WRECKED house. She pulled down the front window curtains, ripped the hardware for the backdoor curtains out of the wall, flipped the exercise bike, tried to get behind the desk where my computer is, and generally destroyed my living room, knocking lots of shit over. I was worried, because she could’ve hurt herself really badly, so I made the executive decision to crate her from now on.

Brief History of Crating Kyrie: DON’T

Kyrie has never liked the crate. I don’t know why, but it’s never worked out. She used to break out by any means necessary. She can pop the doors on both the big plastic and wire crates. She even squeezed herself through a seam of a wire popup crate once, tearing all the skin off one side of her face (and probably cracking a few ribs) in the process. I once secured the door of a plastic crate with a cord she couldn’t get through, so she busted THROUGH THE PLASTIC out the back. So when I decided to crate her this time… I was worried.

Tuesday was rough. I watched her on my home camera all day, and she paced, and she panted, and she paced, and she panted, but she remained in the crate. Today I moved the camera around to a different angle and set it to alert me to motion and audio, so I could see if she was trying to bust out of if she was crying a lot. She’s scratched at the crate door (that I tied shut) and been unhappy, but hasn’t thrown a tantrum or escaped as of yet.

I just now checked the camera to see her pawing the door of the kennel and Kira, who is next to her, barking no at her. It was cute.

This morning, Kyrie also had diarrhea all over the bathroom. It’s not uncommon for her to be sick, but it’s unusual she didn’t tell me she needed to go out. So I’ve got erratic behavior and unusual behavior and I’m… worried. I called the vet to see if they can give her something for anxiety, but they have to do blood work first. So we have an appointment on Saturday. Maybe it will get better.

Along with the vet, I made a list of small things I should do around the house this weekend, since Chris will be gone. I’ve been putting off a lot of chores in lieu of spending time with Chris. It’s a prioritization problem. But whatever. I’m gonna see if I can knock a couple out in the evenings for the rest of the week, so it’ll be less this weekend, and it will look like I did a ton when Chris comes over again. Goals.

I reflected on my therapy session from Monday, and I think what I missed was that I can’t make changes until I set some goals. There’s nothing to change untilĀ  get some goals for what I want. So my first goal is just to knock out some chores this weekend. The overall goal is to get my house cleaned, organized, and decluttered.

My shrink really wants me to work on my goals I setup with her, obviously. I think this falls under things that would decrease my anxiety. People are happier in a nice environment. Also, if my house is clean, I can have people over, which would be part of my relationships goal. Although, the idea of inviting people over sounds terrible… lol.

Amber is moving in with Rob! They’ve been dating for three months. Chris and I are in love, but they are CRAZY in love. So, soonly there will be Rob, Amber, two cats, and two rats all living in harmony (hopefully). She’s there almost all the time anyways, so I’m happy for them. I’m jealous, but I’m happy for them.

I wish Chris and I were in a place where we could be reckless and I could move him in… but then there’s Addi…. It makes it sound like she’s a problem, which is NOT what I’m saying. As much as I dislike kids, I like her. We have fun. She’s just a kid, and that means we can’t be reckless and irresponsible. Her mom’s already moved her boyfriend and his kids in with her, and that’s been enough for Addi to deal with. It’s not that I wish she weren’t around… I just… wish the first time I fell in love it wasn’t so complicated and restrained. You know? I feel like I’m missing out on something.

Let’s Jump Right In

I turned 25 on Halloween, and, well, turning 25 has not been easy on me. At the beginning of October, when I realized my birthday was fast-approaching, I lost my shit about it… because, for whatever reason, I thought I’d have done more with my life by now. In my ideal life, that I created when I was 14 and still full of hope, I was supposed to be married at 24, and I was supposed to start having kids at 26. I was supposed to have a nice sized home, a job I enjoyed and some kind of awesome husband person. Life, as you probably know, doesn’t work out like that, though. So, I looked around at my life and had a weird freak out of a panic attack for a month… I did make some good decisions, though, and some good realizations.

A, I decided to lose 129 lbs. If that sounds like a lot, it’s because it IS a lot. That’s a whole person. It just needs to happen. I’ve been the fat girl my whole life, and I’m sick of it… So I’ve been dieting. I haven’t found something to do for exercise yet… cuz I hate exercise…

2, I realized that I’m NOT doing badly for 25. I own a house, I have a job that can pay a real mortgage, I can support four dogs and a cat, I have a college degree, and even with my irresponsible spending habits, I am never really broke. That’s REALLY good for a 25 year old in this day and age. I have friends still living with parents, making minimum wage, unemployed, never attended college, and incapable of supporting any other living being. If something stupid happened and I got knocked up right now, I could afford an abortion or to take care the infant. I am doing damn well.

and D, I figured out that I can’t really freak out when I never really had goals in the first place. My list of life achievements: high school diploma, college degree, own a home, steady job. I didn’t come up with any of those. They were things that my mom wanted for me and either pushed me to get or got for me. If I were left up to my own devices, I’d probably be homeless just so I didn’t have to work… I am a lazy fuck. I’ve never had a personal goal in my life… so I started small and vain, with my weight loss plan, and I intend on kind of working up from here… Make a bucket list or something…

So, that’s about where I am…
Here are some stories from my 25th year.