A prime example of art (in this case video games) reflecting life

I accidentally made myself sad.

I finally got the Sims 4, which I’ve wanted since it came out, and I made me, fat and blue hair and everything, and I made all the dogs and I was stoked.

I thought it was pretty cool. I got us a little house and decorated it like I wanna do my real house, and I setup all this cool shit in the yard for the pets, and I was super excited to play!

I made it too real, though… My Sim has a gloomy characteristic that I thought woulf be kinda cute since I’m all bipolar, and I got her a job programming, cuz that woulda been a fun career, I think. Except she’s at work for 9 hours a day, and the pets are always wrecking stuff, and constantly need baths, and she’s perpetually exhausted cuz she’s sad, and has no time or motivation to see anyone, and the house cleaning doesn’t get done, and she can’t give all the pets enough attention, and it just got hella real life on me… cuz that’s all true, right down to neglecting my own needs in a vain attempt to get shit done that needs getting done.

I know it’s just a game, but that’s so real life… the Sims are right… it’s too much.

Speaking of… I should go to bed, cuz I’m due at work in the morning…

We replaced the billers but the bookkeeper quit, so I gotta go in to do MY work so I can train the new girl next week. I’m so tired of training new people… And just worl in general.

My stationary bike arrived, and I wanna put it together and use it…. nut I haven’t had the energy. Today I nearly broke down in a shoe store about my looks after mom talked me.out of these cute grey men’s shoes I wanted… I just wanted to curl up and die…

Found out a friend had gastric bypass. Wondered how she afforded it, like maybe there was a program I could apply to… but her parents paid for it… so… that dream got laid to rest again.

I’m so tired of being unhappy.


Life & The Year Of Content

I made a hard decision, and I ghosted D2.

It’s not an easy thing to decide to cut someone out of your life, but I couldn’t deal with our one-sided friendship. Things were always about him. We were always at his house. We hung out with his friends if we did go out. We talked about HIS illness, HIS treatment, HIS problems. I guess I thought that eventually the newness of his diagnosis would wear off and we could just be people who were friends. It just never happened. His newest relapse and hospital stay proved this. He’s not where I am and he’s not going to be there any time soon. So, for my own mental health, I cut him out.

I feel like this is the part where I’m supposed to say that I miss him, or that things have been harder without him, or something… but just the opposite is true. I’ve been happier, and I’ve even been doing things with other people. It’s like a weight has been lifted, and maybe it has.

I’d mentioned learning to play D&D last entry, and I’m still working on that. It only took me a year to do it… if you ca believe I’ve been thinking of learning since last year. Cat had me, her friend Haley, and my friend Bren over to play my little game. It was only supposed to last a couple of hours, but apparently I overdid my little game, and it went on for six hours and we still aren’t done. I still don’t have all the nuances of the rules down, and I think I’m not making the characters do things exactly right, but we’re having fun. If there’s a question of if someone can do a thing, and I don’t know the technical rule, I just make them roll against me for it. I hope to get better at actual rules later… but I might switch to Pathfinder rules… D&D has really technical rules… maybe Pathfinder is a little easier? (I don’t know… tell me if you know.)

Last week D1 was in town! I saw him for an evening at Heidi’s place. It’s good to see him. He looks great. He’s happy. He’s all around doing good shit with his life and enjoying it. We heard a little more about the Rabbi, which was neat, and I really enjoyed seeing him. Also, Heidi invited me over every Thursday to watch Supernatural. So… unexpected win.

I’ve known Heidi since high school. We were never really FRIENDS, but we were never really NOT FRIENDS either. We just kind of knew each other and never hung out without other people around for social lubricant. That’s weird, because Heidi and I have always been kind of similar. We’re both introverted nerds who like people but often hole up and don’t see anyone because we’re hermity. Being invited over for the new season of Supernatural is really cool, and I like Heidi, so I’m excited to have a weekly thing. Also, it’s not on a Friday or Saturday, so that still leaves weekends open! She also lent me a book, so I gave her one back. I dunno how long this will last, but I’m excited to do a thing with someone.

I also went to my first book club meeting on Monday. My friend Evan has been badgering me to come to his book club, because he is a rather hermity, socially awkward human being, and he goes to socialize and read books he otherwise would not. I don’t really like reading books I otherwise wouldn’t, but they read a book that was already on my reading list, so I read it and showed up. I nearly had a panic attack walking in the door, but I honestly had a good time. I’m gonna read the next book and go again, I think. Would I like it more if all the books were scifi and horror? Yes, but this is a start, and maybe I can find another book club later, or even start one of my own. In general, I’m proud to have done a thing.

This weekend, I’m to hang with Bird, try to finish my costume for Halloween, and be a person. I’m feeling pretty good about myself, and I’m pretty happy. I hate to say that this is because I dropped D2, but it might be. I don’t have someone reminding me I’m crazy, that at any second I could spin out into a manic episode, or spiral into a depression. I’m just a person, living and doing stuff. It’s a nice feeling.

I turn 29 in a couple of weeks. I don’t like my birthday, but it’s how I gauge a year. Nothing happened this year. I started by having a breakdown about how at 28 I wasn’t married, had no kids, and no prospects for starting a family. I’ve done that for three years in a row. I don’t wanna do it this year. I started this year in that state of mind and everything went so horrendously anyways, between the election, and mothership getting pneumonia, and just… it was a bad year for me.

This year, I’m dubbing the YEAR OF CONTENT. It’s a term I’m blatantly stealing from one of my favorite YouTubers, Caitlyn Doughty of Ask a Mortician. She dedicated herself to a certain number of videos a week this year, and she’s kept to it. My year of content will be similar, in that I was to do at least two social things a week. It’s going to be hard… I’m not social… but I think it will be good for me, and maybe I’ll meet some people. I might join a gym. That’s a pretty easy social activity, but I hate the gym and it makes me wanna die… so maybe not. I’d like to be more healthy, but more than that I would just like to be happier. If the gym doesn’t make me happy, it probably isn’t my best choice.

Anyways… I’ll be starting that next week, although I should be able to hit my goal this week, too, since I went to book club Monday and I’m to see Heidi Thursday, and even Bird this weekend… So much social.

For accountability reasons, I’ll also be posting at least once a week to check in on if I did my two social activities… ^_^

And… yeah.

Side Effects

It’s 3am and I’m awake for two reasons… 1, I had to Pee but 2, Abilify fucks with your dreams.

The weekend was weird for me and side effects. 

Friday night I went to karaoke. Does Abilify interact with alcohol? Absolutely, but not like I thought it would. Usually you end up being a lightweight and acting a fool when you try to drink on new drugs. This was not the case, I was just very social. Literally, I didn’t feel drunk at all….  until I was driving home and became aware VERY QUICKLYt that my reaction time was WAY slow… I made it home okay, since the bar was close to home, but in the future if I plan on drinking, it’s worth taking a Lyft. 
Also, as an aside, David2, Bird, and I got invited to an orgy before we left the bar. That’s fun. We all fled… stranger orgies are bad.

Saturday I thought I was dying. In retrospect, a few things probably contributed to this. A, I drank the night before. I didn’t have a hangover the next day, but I’m definitely considering that drinking might elicit more side effects than I previously thought it would. 2, I didn’t take my pill at night. I missed it because I was too busy trying to go out, so I took it in the morning. There is something to be said for what you sleep through when you take meds at night. D, I panicked. Panic always just makes shit worse.

So I go to see War for the Planet of the Apes with Mothership, and I can barely eat. I’ve developed this thing where I am full most of the time, but I get hungry more often. That’s not a listed side effect but it’s a new thing. Then, I get a heart palpitations. That’s a listed side effect, but it’s a terrifying one. I hate that feeling, and when it got coupled with a hot flash and intestinal distress, it’s a spooky side effect that made me think I was potentially having a heart attack. I got dizzy, and upset, and mom ended up having to drive us home.

Mom baffles me. As long as I can remember, if I’m feeling bad, she is meh about it. When I had a kidney stone that sent me to the ER, she took her time getting ready to take me to the ER. She was more concerned about whether I smelled like Jager than the crippling pain I was in. Likewise, when I told her I thought I might be having a heart attack because my heart was racing so bad, she just asked why. To which I quiteangrily said, BECAUSE MY HEART IS RACING AND EVERYTHING IS BAD. I love my mother, and sometimes her eerie calm is handy, like when I had gallstones and was so panicked and pained that all I could do was walk clockwise in a circle and writhe, but in general, her tendency to act unfeeling is unsettling, at best. I’ve begun to wonder if she’s really JUST depressed, or if she, like dad and I, has a mood or personality disorder. She could be histrionic… 

Anyways, she got me home and I spent the rest of the day trying to cool off and recover. That meant I was up late, though, so I filled the time with FFXV again. I also started War of the Worlds before bed. Being able to read again is nice.

Sunday was better. I was up early and got in some gaming time. Mostly I just hung out, but I’m real task oriented. I like to DO things that I was previously unable to do. I got some drawing in, and only suffered one hot flash. I went to mom’s and we watched two episodes of Twin Peaks, and ordered pizza. Before bed I also finished the 15th Oz book. There are 25 of them, but I am stopping here, because that’s how far my collection goes. It was an ok day.

But the dreams. I had been really concerned about the dreams, anyways, because when I was on Risperdol I had awful nightmares, but I’m not having nightmares. My dreams are just real involved. It’s like my cognitive processes don’t shut down at all when I sleep now, so it just runs scenarios over and over, trying to determine the best outcome. I’ve quit my job seven times tonight in my dreams. None end well.

Well, it’s 4am now, and I wanna catch my last hour of sleep. But yeah, I’m not sure what to make of Abilify. I contacted my doc to see what she thinks, but again, she’s a Kaiser doc! And I really don’t think she cares if I die or get better.

Where I’m At

I got a call back on one of the jobs I submitted my resume for in Oregon! I’m not sure that I’m what they’re looking for, though… We chatted, but I haven’t heard from them since to setup a real interview.

I’d like to continue to look for a job in Oregon. I think I’d like to live in the Eugene area. I haven’t been putting my resume out like I should be, though. I’m hesitant about it, and lost some of the inflated confidence in my abilities I had when I got home from Oregon. Work just does that to me. I feel like I’m drowning there. In reality, I know it’s not the job, but the people, who wear on me. The employee that won’t even ACT like she’s busy. The GM with lofty ideas he never thinks out. The excitable employee. The employee who talks in non-sequitur riddles. It’s a lot to deal with, and that’s not even the entire office.

I hope to get back to putting out my resume, soon, but this is also buying me some time to purge the house and really think about this.

I’ve got Mothership on board to leave if we can swing it, though. She’s not attached to anything here and is probably just glad I stopped talking about moving to California where we can’t afford anything. (I have to take her with me… leaving her here would be cruel and unusual.)

My diet is… going. I’m doing the 21 Day Fix, and I thought I was doing well, but maybe not. This week I was down 5lbs… and then this morning I was back up 3. I’m going to try not to weigh except on Monday mornings… I was really disappointed in the gain, even though it’s probably accurate. I wouldn’t have seen it as a gain if I hadn’t been weighing every single day; it would have just been 2 lbs down.

I am trying really hardtop commit to the diet, but my relationship with food is so weird that it’s real hard. I’m trying not to be hard on myself, cuz I’m still down 2 lbs…

Mentally, I’m having a better time than I thought I would.

I stopped my previous self-medicating and I was honestly expecting to crash and burn. I still get swings, but aside from crying at work I’ve been okay. I’ve been good at home; I’m trying to be social; and I’m working really hard keeping myself mostly okay. Being an unmedicated bipolar is hard.

I guess I just have to keep going.

Today was Memorial Day.
I don’t know any fallen veterans, so it’s really just a fortunate day off for me.

I got up and laid grass seed this morning. Then it hailed and I got pelted trying to move my car into the garage. My head is still tender, but at least the seed got some rain. I have to remember to water it again in the morning…

I didn’t see Mothership today, but I probably should have. She’s been having really bad sciatica type pain and it makes her getting around hard. I hung out with her this weekend, though, so I guess I did my due diligence.

We binge watched the first 4 episodes of Twin Peaks: The Return. It’s a little more crazy than the original was, but considering where it picked up, I guess that’s to be expected. We were really excited about its release, so it was a good excuse to hang out and for me to make her lunch on Sunday.

Saturday we saw Pirates of the Caribbean 5. It was entertaining. Not as good as 1-3, of course, but entertaining, and I’m excited for the next two that we’ve already been promised. Cap’n Jack Sparrow is more of a caricature in this one, as characters get to be as a really good gimmick gets older, but I still had a good time. And some guy in the theater spilled churro sauce on me… so that’s fun.

I guess that’s it for me. That’s where I’m at. Hoping that this week I can come home every night and find time to try and sort some stuff, purge some stuff, and stay motivated with the idea of moving in mind. Plus, eat right. Maybe go for some walks to boost that weight loss thing I’m attempting.


I’ve been on vacation, but I didn’t go anywhere. We call that a staycation.

I made a big list of things to accomplish while I was off. Some were more realistic than others… I made a small dent on the list. Not nearly enough got done.

Wednesday I managed to wash Bdo and clean the kitchen; they are both still mostly clean. It wasn’t my most productive day…

Thursday binged watched RuPaul’s Drag Race… but I also bought new underoos. So… kind of productive?

Friday I was sick… like legit sick, too. Lots of vomiting and migraine symptoms were to be had, followed by an evening of pacing the living room in an attempt to cure the mystery abdominal pain that showed up at 2am. It hurt bad enough that I thought of going to the ER… but I didn’t want to pay the copay. I paced for about an hour and a half, and then managed to lay down in a position that didn’t hurt. It was a rough night. Also, the pacing irritated the shit out of the cat.

Saturday was the grand opening of Torrid at a nearby mall! So mom and I got up and went to stand in drizzle in the hopes of landing a gift card. We did not, but the whole store was buy one get one 50% so we bought some stuff! I got a sports bra, and it’s the most comfortable thing I’ve bought in ages. Debating going back to get more of them. We also hit Charming Charlie for some accessories. Then we had lunch. I’d been fine till after we ate, and the abdominal pain came back… so we came home and I just hung out the rest of the day. I was feeling better in the evening, so Bird and I went to see our friends play. It was a fun night, AND I got a guy’s phone number. So that’s weird.

Sunday, Mom and I went back to the mall. We hit TJ Maxx, and bought too much stuff, and then went to JC Penny, cuz Mom wanted dresses. We found no dresses. JC Penny was confusing. It was so hard to find women’s clothes… Then we hit Dress Barn, and then I went off to a movie with Bird. We saw Boss Baby, and I’m seriously curious how a Christian group hasn’t latched onto that movie to boycott it for being WAY homoerotic. After that, I came home and played FFXV while talking to Markimoo over the PS4. He even watched some gameplay and helped me out.

Today was… an emotional day. Everything I tried to do failed, and just getting up was really hard. I did manage to clean the dog run, even if I cried through it; and I got blackout curtains for the front window, which I also cleaned. I bought a curtain for the laundry closet, just so I don’t have to look at the cat box anymore, too. Then the cat threw up on the bed. It wasn’t overly productive, but it wasn’t a great lazy day, either.

I’m hoping to do something in my room tomorrow… hang up clothes, put shit away… it would really help round out staycation. Lol.

Hard Day

I’m having a hard day…

That’s not a new thing, it’s just how my day is panning out.

I woke up in a pool of sweat.

I almost threw up several times this morning.

I actually threw up twice this morning.

And… yeah.
I want to dig a hole, curl up in it, cover myself with a large rock, and die.

That’s where I’m at today.

I am so fucking tired of feeling this way.

I’m glad that I have an appointment with my doc coming up, but I swear to god that I would kill a drifter to be able to see someone right now. I’m just over this feeling. I’m over being sad, and tired, and overthinking random people’s comments, and just constantly having a little voice in the back of my head that goes, “Wouldn’t it be easier if you were dead?” Because yes. It would be so much easier on me to just be dead.

Don’t hear me wrong. I don’t want to die. I am not suicidal. I’m often finding myself talking myself out of some kind of self harm, but I’m not suicidal. I just… am not doing well with existing at this exact moment. Also, I feel like it’s getting progressively worse. It’s not like it’s suddenly more frequent, because everyday is already super frequent, it’s just more consuming.

Metaphorically, my depression is like getting stray ink on you from a pen. It started as, oh shit, I have ink on my hand, and has now become something like, oh my god, my pen exploded and ruined my white clothing.

I don’t really have more to say, unfortunately, so I hope you enjoy my short, but depressing post.

Party Girl Social Slut

I miss when I was a huge slut.

That sounds weird, I know, but I really do.

It’s not that I miss having a lot of promiscuous sex with people, not that there’s anything wrong with that so long as you’re safe about it (BANG WHOEVER YOU WANT! JUST USE A SCUM BAG {condom}), but I miss who that girl was. Slutty me was a completely different person than I am now. She was outgoing, adventurous, and prone to making poor life choices that should have, but rarely, resulted in bad consequences. It’s really strange for me to think about how different I was, just a few years ago.

I admit that I don’t remember my early 20s very well. I spent a lot of it blackout drunk. I wasn’t away at college, like a lot of people are when they talk about drinking excessively in their early 20s, I was just blackout drunk here in Denver and I’d either find a way home or wake up in weird places. I had a habit of waking up inside the Tabor Center. This was especially strange when I hadn’t started drinking anywhere CLOSE to downtown Denver, much less 16th St Mall. Surprisingly, I never woke up at a person’s house after binge drinking, though. I’d get wasted, and bang someone, but apparently I was never a “stay the night” kinda girl. Maybe I was subconsciously avoiding the walk of shame? More often than not, I think it’s that I didn’t want to set a premise… Staying the night might mean I like you. I don’t. I’m outtie, bruh.

By the way, I WAS in college, but I went to a local art college (#achiever). I remember so many mornings where I’d been out binge drinking the night before, and in the middle of my morning class I’d go to the bathroom and throw up black stuff that looked like coffee grounds and tasted like burnt bile. I, of course, googled this and found out that it was blood, and that I was very close to alcohol poisoning… and for whatever reason, young, stupid me thought that was so interesting. Not scary, because it meant I could have died, but just interesting.

I was a such an outgoing person, then. I was down for any adventure, with anyone, for whatever purpose. I talked to people: anyone. I loved being out and socializing, and drinking a lot, and generally having a good time. I wanted to be a wild child, I guess, even if it wasn’t always a good time. There were a lot of times that weren’t good.

There was the guy that was obsessed with bikes who wanted me to act like a cat after constructing me a cat collar from bike parts… That was unpleasant.
There were the MYRIAD of guys that really wanted to choke me into unconsciousness and generally sought to do me bodily harm.

There was the boyfriend that was married, and a severe alcoholic, who just berated me for NOT being white trash like he was. God forbid I didn’t choose meth over nice teeth and had managed to secure a desk job from an early age.

There were multiple stalkers who wouldn’t leave me alone after a one night stand.

There was the miscarriage.

There were downsides…

Still, I like who I was. I didn’t like myself then, but I don’t like myself now, so that’s nothing new. I just feel like that version of me had more potential and lived life more fully. I was never the wild child that my mother was. I didn’t do drug. I didn’t even leave my hometown. Still, I had a lot of fun collecting minions and partying.

I was recently reminded that I COULD go back to that life. I could do anything. You’re never too old to go back… but I’m not that person anymore. I still like being drunk, but it’s different. I babble, but I’m not necessarily social. I like being out, but I always want to go home at the end of the night. I don’t mind talking to people, but I wouldn’t go home with anyone. Also, I could never have sex in a car again… I’ve come too far to fold the seats down and hope I don’t get caught.

So how do you go back to being LIKE a party girl without being a party girl?

I don’t know.

I’m currently just trying to figure out how to meet some new people.

When all my friends kind of aged out of partying, I started going out alone. I’d go to concerts, car shows, whatever, by myself and try to meet people. It was a mixed bag of success. I met David 2, and I had a lot of fun going to concerts. I’d see a lot of the same people all the time, but we weren’t really friends. I’d also still drink a lot… which is why I never had booze at home (fear of becoming my dad). I also lamented that I was doing so much alone, though. Seeing someone over and over doesn’t mean that you’re friends with them, and I knew that, since I would usually go home alone, and not even have anyone to talk about the night with the next day.

I feel like so much of my life has been dedicated to the pursuit of friends and relationships. I’ve talked about how I spent a lot of time alone as a kid… and how changing schools was hard for me… and how I spent so much time trying to be just like the people I was attempting to befriend that I often lost myself in the minefield of other people’s interests.

As an adult, I don’t mind new hobbies. I have so many hobbies from collecting them over the years. Still, some things are just mine, things not stolen from people I was trying to be just like. I love SciFi, for instance, and horror for another. I like to draw, even though it’s been hard for me to do, and I hope to get back to a place where I can draw and I’d like to write a scifi horror comic.

In pursuit of people I could share this with, I’ve re-signed up for MeetUp. It’s a neat little site that essentially just tells you where people are and what their theme is. People who like beer are here on this day. People who knit are here on this day. People who like horror movies are here. And you go, and hopefully you meet some people that like things you like.

I’m putting off my first MeetUp… It’s April 10th… And I say that I’m waiting till April because I’ll be really busy till then, but in reality I’m scared that it will end up like last time. I was on MeetUp a few years ago, and… it was awful. Mid-20s Sam went to a lot of MeetUps for all kinds of things.
I did trivia nights at bars, but no one actually talked to me… I was just like an extra in a movie. I really thought I’d shine there because I’m so filled with worthless facts that show up in trivia games, but I usually just ended up drunk and sad.
I tried an Introvert Group, because my social anxiety was getting worse… and they were uninterested in socializing with me. I’m not sure why.

I went to a professional MeetUp and didn’t realize everyone there was supposed to be over 50. If you were ever bullied as a kid, and for some reason you are nostalgic for it, be a young 20-something at an over 50 event. Those people were so fucking mean, and I literally left the event in tears, on the phone with the mothership, just crying and wondering why they were so mean about it. I was professional, I was happy to talk to them, and they just… ripped me to pieces.

I tried an Asexual group, and it turned out to just be one really nice trans woman in a wheelchair. I liked her, but I was hoping to meet MORE people than one other person.

I almost went to a Magic: The Gathering group, because I knew how to play and everything, but after these and other failed MeetUps, and increasing anxiety, I sat outside the place they were meeting for about 30 minutes and drove myself home…

I went to a car show, which was NOT a MeetUp group, and I just ended up running into this guy I only know as Tastee Freeze or Koolaid, because I picked him up in a bar when I was 18 and illegally drinking. I faked that I had a boyfriend there, because my married, alcoholic ex was wandering around with his kids somewhere and I hoped I could pretend we were still a thing to make Tastee Freeze back the fuck off… but I never saw the ex, nor did I talk to anyone else the whole day.

I’m just scared of it all going bad again.

Still, I’m a different person now…

Maybe people will like me better.

Maybe I’ll know what to say or not to say.

I dunno…

But I do want to try and channel SOME of that slut I used to be…

But just the good parts.