Being Nice Is Abysmal

I don’t know why, but I end up in a lot of one-sided relationships.

For the most part, I don’t mean romantic relationships, especially since I haven’t had one of those since 2012, but platonic relationships: friendships, in particular.

I guess it’s because, in spite of my very best efforts, I’m a nice person. Literally,

I am the kind of person that will bend over backwards to try and make everything okay. Even if we aren’t close, even if we haven’t spoken in a while: if you are distressed, I will go out of my way to brighten your fucking day. It’s a shitty thing to be, honestly, because people definitely try to take advantage of it. I like to think it’s unintentional, but I’m pretty sure that’s just that niceness in me trying to sugar coat the truth of people being shit and taking advantage of nice people.

​One of the best examples of this is that when I was in my senior year of high school (I think) my best friend stopped talking to me. Not just to me, in fact, he stopped talking to everyone and totally dove head first into a terribly unhealthy relationship. It wasn’t really an uncommon thing, for my friends to totally abandon everyone else when they got into a relationship, but it hurt my feelings. This came after years of me tearing my hair out while trying to accommodate him and be the very best friend, ever. I was miffed. I was hurt. I was depressed and tormented over it… and one day there he was, parked outside my mother’s house crying. I didn’t even think twice about getting in his car and going somewhere with him so he could tell me what happened with his boyfriend, playing the ever sympathetic, ever reliable friend that I ever was.

I don’t really regret that day. I’d missed my friend, and everyone makes mistakes. Still, I can’t tell you why I was so ready to forgive. I’d spent all of high school trying to make this kid like me. He was the first person in high school to talk to me. I tried so hard to conform, to like what he did, to be a person that he’d want to keep around. I literally spent time crying when he’d bail on me for someone else, and he’d just thrown my friendship out like an old milk carton because a guy had come along. When push came to shove, though, I wanted him to be my friend more than I was bitter. One thing about me, though… I forgive, but I never forget. He ended up moving away and growing up to be a very important person. He’s happy. He’s happier than I ever remember him being. As much as I’d like to hold a grudge about the way I perceived myself to be treated, I let him treat me that way. I was a different person then… but we’re still friends.

Then there was the one person I fell for. She was insecure, unsure, and always second guessing herself, but she was also the sweetest, kindest person you could hope to meet. I grew really attached to her. To be honest, I think I was in love with her. I didn’t do anything about it, because she’s straight, but I cared about her more than anyone I’ve ever bothered to date. Over time, though, she grew away from me. She got wrapped up in some stuff, and with some people I just didn’t care for. I kept trying to keep her close, anyway. I tried to date someone similar to who she was hanging out with as proof that I was totally cool with everything. That blew up in my face, but not before she completely abandoned me because the guy she was dating didn’t care for my presence…

I’d like to be mad about that one, and for a few years, I definitely was. I was tormented over it. I didn’t understand what had happened, and I felt totally alone in the world. It took a while to realize that what I had previously provided her with, which was a lot of reassurance, affection, and security, was better coming from a man. She wanted to get married and have a family, and no matter how good of a friend I was to her, and no matter how much I loved her, I was never going to provide her with that. No, as much as I wanted to be angry that she deserted me, I can’t be mad about that. I’m still sad that my years of support essentially boiled down to nothing. I’m still hurt that even though I was ready to make every exception to every rule to be the person she needed to be, that I would never be that person. I still wish things were different… but through various methods of stalking, I know she got married, and that she had a beautiful little boy, and last time I checked she seemed very happy. I cannot fault her for pursuing happiness, even if I wasn’t part of that equation.

Somewhere in there were the Trixie chronicles. I was seventeen, she was twenty-something, and we had a lot of adventures. Somehow it was always about her, though. Her life was always on the verge of falling apart. There was the abusive boyfriend, who was my boyfriend’s roomie. There was her crazy mother. There was her ex-husband, who never really understood how to be a divorced dad. There were the various minions she collected, some other boyfriends she didn’t really seem to like… All that time, I was happy to follow her around like a puppy. I was having a complete crisis in my own life, but her adventures were a welcome distraction, until Mr. Man showed up. He was a friend of a friend of mine from high school, and she fell for him so hard… and… once again someone I needed no longer needed me.

I can’t really be mad about that one, either. Yeah, it sucked to drift away from each other, but she was so happy. Also, I had some shit of my own that I’d been avoiding dealing with. It was really unfortunate to hear that they ended up not working out. He packed up and left over Christmas last year. I don’t really know what happened, but I couldn’t go back to being her sidekick. I think she was disappointed by that.

There were, of course, the Bird & Mouse adventures. Bird was great to hang out with. She liked me. We’d go out and do stuff we both liked… I got tired of things with Bird, though. I got tired of her being late. I got tired of her trying to talk to me about her weight when I weight like twice as much as her. I got tired of being out with her and everyone looking at her, instead of me. (Yeah, I resent the girl for being pretty. I’m only human.) I got tired of her hearing about her parents, and this guy she was seeing, and how everything was so dramatic.

Don’t get me wrong, we’re still friends, but with a healthy amount of space. I’d grown too much to be the person she wanted me to be. I wasn’t her sidekick. I didn’t have the patience for everything to be a trauma… and god damn it, I’m punctual. I stopped offering for us to ride together. I stopped asking to hang out, using my dogs or my job as an excuse to dodge most of her requests… and I let us grow apart.

I find myself in another one-sided friendship… My friend is nice enough, but somehow I allowed our friendship to be based around my being part of his support system. He was recently diagnosed with Bipolar Mood Disorder after an unfortunate suicide attempt. I didn’t mind being around for to start with, seeing as how I’ve been diagnosed bipolar for years, but we’re at a point where I’m irritated with him.

A, He lets his Bipolar run his life.

I know that meds will wreck you and that moods are unpredictable. I live that shit. A while ago, however, I had to say fuck it to letting life get hung up on my bipolar. I FORCE myself to be a normal person. I don’t call in when I’m too sad to get out of bed… I roll myself onto the floor and cry all the way to the shower, followed by getting dressed, pushing all my emotions into a tight little ball that will one day give me cancer, and go to work. I don’t do meds anymore because they wrecked my life and I had to take the initiative to do what was best for me to function. If you’re going to be on meds and you’re unsure how they will react, you do start them on a day when YOU DON’T HAVE TO GET UP IN MORNING. That’s common sense.

2, He’s what my other gay friend call A-Gay. All he knows is gay. He’s not gay, but a gamer. He’s not gay, but something else. He’s JUST gay. And that’s fine… but it’s boring. I really signed on for more than just a friend who JUST gay… RuPaul’s Drag Race is great, but I’m not a gay man. I don’t care about going to gay bars and using the identity of a gay man as an excuse to not know basic pop culture references, just because they aren’t about gay men is kind of irritating… like… be multifaceted.

D, He’s not coping well. I don’t understand people who want to get wrecked every fucking day. More so, I don’t understand people who get wrecked when they have company. You want to have a drink? Let’s have a drink. You wanna get twisted every Friday when I come over to see you? Nah, bro. You’re boring.

So we do very little in the way of things I want to do…. and I’m just fucking over it, to be honest. I’m tired of people expecting me to do what they want and no one ever wanting to join me for things I want to do.

Years ago I did everything alone, because no one wanted to do the things I wanted to do. Then for a while I’d made some friends that were already at the things I wanted to do… but they’ve all filtered out now… and I’m back to wanting to do shit and having NO ONE to do it with… As much as I’m dreading it, I guess I’m going to have to do shit on my own again… which I hate, because I’m not good at talking to strangers. I’m not good at making new friends. I’m especially bad at feeling comfortable somewhere alone. But what else am I going to do? Sit on my friend’s sofa and watch him get wrecked every Friday until I die? Sit in my house and binge watch Netflix every evening till I die?

No… I guess I’m going have to fucking enjoy life alone…

This. This is the only reason I want a relationship. I want someone who is obligated to come to a thing with me. I’ll go to their things, too. I like doing new shit. But my life would be better with someone to share it with… friend, lover… someone besides my dogs, since I can’t take them to concerts and clubs with me…

I’M SO FUCKING TIRED OF BEING LONELY, EVEN WHEN PEOPLE ARE IN MY LIFE

Another Let Down

I have determined, through much experimentation, that my main problem when it comes to dating is that I refuse to beg for attention. My information on this front is purely anecdotal, obviously, but it would seem that men (and women, tbh) find my lack of need for attention to be off-putting. And so, my dear readers, I am once again just going to give up trying to date… cuz I’m not good at it, apparently.

I can’t argue against the fact that when you get to know me I’m fairly cold, calculating, and operate much like a computer simulated personality. To start with, I document and log information you give me so as to determine the “correct” response to whatever you’re talking to me about. I’ve been known to do research on things so as to better acclimate myself to being associated with people. Most of my responses at the beginning of a social interaction are artificial. I’m very much fake, and I know that. Still, it takes time to notice, if you even notice ALL of that. Once you get to know me, if that isn’t enough to make you turn tail and run, I will tone it down and be more myself, but part of being myself is also being slightly fake anyways. People who’ve known me for a long time might know this without putting a name to it, but it’s just something people adapt to or run from. I can’t help it. I’m incapable of natural interaction.

Dating is weird, though. Everyone seems to want you to crave them like heroin. I’m not that kind of person. I’m totally fine with not talking to someone everyday. I have my own life and it doesn’t have some gaping hole in it because I’m alone. I guess it’s uncommon for a person to be totally whole and complete by themselves? That sounds condescending as shit, but the successful relationships I witness aren’t two totally complete people that happen to like associating, they’re two people that seem to need each other. Once they don’t need each other anymore they fall apart; there’s no room for the other person anymore. By that logic, I don’t have room in my life for another person… and maybe I don’t but I would never know, since no one gives me a chance to make the room.

I got a phone number of a guy two weekends ago. Bird and I were at a show, and this guy was funny, seemed nice, and I ended up getting his number because he asked for mine. Well, I hadn’t heard from him by Wednesday, and I like to make plans. So, I hit him up, because I’m a strong, independent woman and don’t need no man to make the first move. The conversation was nice enough, and drug out over two days, but he didn’t ask to see me and I haven’t heard from him since. I debated texting him again… but if he wanted to talk to me, I feel like he would. I’m not going to beg for attention. I have shit to do. I’m just irritated because if he were to ask me on a date, I’d like to have the time left open for him, but my weekends fill up pretty quick. If you’re not on the schedule, you don’t get to see me.

Based on all this info, I’m just going to forget that I got his number. I don’t have the patience to wait on him…

Also… it kind of hurts my feelings. I was excited that someone in really real life had picked me out to have interest in. I was excited to get to know someone knew. I was excited to maybe get laid. I was just excited for things to be different and interesting. I’m asexual and aromantic, but I’m not dead. I could use someone new in my life… We didn’t seem to have a lot in common, but we could have. I could have learned some new stuff and developed some new hobby. That’s what I like about new people in my life… It’s a chance to expand with purpose, not just for the sake of being the smartest person in the room.

I hate when I do this to myself…
I get my hopes up for something new and fun and different before it’s certain that it’s even going to be a thing… but then I feel like when I’m not excited about something new I end up wrecking it by NOT being excited…

So I dunno how I’m supposed to feel…

But mostly I feel disappointed.

Got Hack; Still Feeling Lonely

So earlier this month my Spotify account got hacked.
Of all the accounts someone could have hacked… I guess I got lucky.
::knock on wood::

It was really weird, cuz I went to listen to something and my app said I was listening to music from a Vaio. I haven’t owned a Vaio in YEARS (like 2 laptops ago, and I keep laptops until they die horrible, painful deaths). What was WEIRDER is that I was supposedly listening to some guy that sings in French. While it’s not beyond me to listen to foreign music, as my many German, Korean, Japanese, and Spanish speaking playlists exemplify, I’ve never listened to anyone French except this chick who sings in English with a thick French accent: I’ll Kill Her – Soko

So, there’s a handy “Log Out Of Everywhere” feature on the Spotify site, and I queued that up from my phone, since I was at work, and knocked the person out… Just for them to get back in and try again. I find that hella frustrating. What I found completely unacceptable and fucked, however, was that they DELETED ALL OF MY PLAYLISTS. Now, I know that if you delete a playlist, Spotify saves them for like a year and you can go into the Spotify site and resurrect them, but at the time, all I knew is that all my music, that I spent YEARS putting into playlists that correlated with feelings and purpose and shit, was gone. I’m extraordinarily sentimental for a heartless Android Girl, so I just FREAKED OUT.

Spotify, to their credit, was very helpful. They first confirmed that I was the account owner, since I have Premium, and then locked the whole account. They had me make a new account, and dropped in all of my playlists and music library, as well as migrating my followers, and for my trouble they gave me a month of Premium for free. So, it was a stressful couple of days while I waited for them to get everything sorted, but in the end they did a great job at customer service.

The couple of things they couldn’t move, though, were my Daily Mixes and my radio stations. Kind of good and bad. I’d accidentally removed System of a Down from my rock/metal Daily Mix, and I’d hemmed in my Marilyn Manson radio so far down that it almost exclusively played Mason. Lol. So, I’ve been trying to build those back up, but it’s been slow. I finally got a couple of Daily Mixes today, though. I have an emo/rock station, which amused me endlessly, and a kpop station. Lol. That says so much about my personality that I never wanted anyone to know. 😛

I’m using this block quote as a page break.

In unrelated news, I’m still sad and lonely.

Depression is weird. I feel like I want to be around 100 people and socialize and laugh and maybe get wicked drunk, but if anyone wants to do anything with me I immediately want to find a reason not to see them. Like I want to be around people, but I don’t want to go to anyone’s house, or wherever they are going for the evening, or to the car show which I invited David 2 to… like…I don’t know why my feelings are like that. How can you crave people, but hate the idea of leaving your house? It doesn’t even make sense.

On a more comical note, after all that bullshit with Kaiser where I ended cancelling that psychiatric nurse phone call and just making an appt with my normal, off-Kaiser physician (see 2 posts back), the Kaiser mental health facility that I had called keeps calling me. I don’t answer, because phone calls are for psychopaths (and I am a sociopath, thank you), and I’ve noticed that the calls are getting more concerned as time goes on.

Voicemail 1: “Hello, this is ___________ with Kaiser Mental Health. We received your referral from a psychiatric nurse phone call earlier this week, and we were calling to schedule you for services. Please call us back at (phone number withheld).”



Voicemail 2: “Hello, this is ___________ with Kaiser Mental Health.We received your referral from a psychiatric nurse phone call on Monday, and we have not heard back from you on scheduling services. Please give us a call back at (phone number withheld) at your earliest convenience.”



Voicemail 3: “Hello, this is ___________ with Kaiser Mental Health.We received a referral for you last week, and we haven’t been able to contact you to schedules any services. Please give us a call back at (phone number withheld) at your earliest convenience, and ask for the triage unit.”



Voicemail 4 (today): “Hello, this is ___________ with Kaiser Mental Health. We’ve been trying to contact you in reference to a referral phone call you made last week. Please call us back at (phone number withheld) to speak with the triage unit about scheduling services. I hope you’re doing well. Thank you.”



That last girl sounded real concerned no one has heard from me in a week. Lol. I know it’s not nice to enjoy someone’s concern, but I really do. After going rounds with them just to find out that they couldn’t do anything for me until mid-May anyways, it definitely felt like they could give a shit. So, I’m enjoying the increasing concern. Tonight I’ll figure out how to email them and let them know that I’ve sought care elsewhere, but in the meantime it’s hilarious.

But yeah… that’s where I’m at… trying to alienate myself from everyone, while also aching to be around them.

Meh.

My Discover Weekly is getting back to dropping me music I’m interested in. Here’s this week’s winner. Present Past Future by Beware of Darkness.

Well I haven’t heard from the Robot Boy in four days. And even then, I only heard from him sparingly. It’s really okay, though. I don’t have time for a real significant other, and I get the feeling that we have different expectations for what a significant other does. I’m not opposed to friends, but I think I’m done pursuing that as relationship potential. It just ends up feeling burdensome anyways… Rather be alone.

Thanksgiving has come and gone. It was fine. We did steak and shrimp… and did nothing. Lol. We never do anything for holidays, and honestly… I like that about is. I hear about these holidays where families get together and everything is so formal or has to be some kind of way, and they do family pictures and people fight and cry, and it just sounds EXHAUSTING. I’ll take our snacking and movie watching day over an actual family gathering any day of the week.

Here’s another song I’m obsessed with.

I wish I had something interesting to report, but I don’t. I’ve dodged the social engagements I was actually invited to, and generally I spend all my time alone. I’ve been trying to get back into crafting and stuff, but it’s slow goings to recover from my hiatus. I’m tired and I’ve been really depressed. And I’m FUCKING TIRED OF BEING DEPRESSED.

What really gets to me is that no one seems to have really noticed. Maybe that’s normal American etiquette. Maybe I’ve been really good at not being conspicuous about my withdrawal. I just default to thinking that no one really cares whether I’m around. Maybe that’s true. Maybe not. I don’t know.

I just know that right now I’m lonely, and the lonelier I get, the more antisocial I get.
It’s a vicious cycle.

Hopefully tonight I can log some Pokemon Sun time… That would be nice.

 

 

Staycations

I haven’t been on a real vacation in a few years.

I think the last real vacation I went on was to see Davy in San Diego back when he was still in Law School. Unless you count that terrible trip to Las Vegas with that crazy girl… But I don’t count that, as I spent the whole time trying to decide if I was going to throw her over the balcony or sneak out in the middle of the night and catch a flight home. I don’t count that trip. I actively cringe at and try to forget that trip.

Anyways, last week I was on vacation. That means what it always means… I stay home and try to get some housework done. It isn’t like, a GOOD vacation, but at least I wasn’t at work, I guess. It was nice to wake up later than 6, but otherwise it wasn’t actually a great week.

The Sunday before staycation was Mother’s Day. I got Mothership the NES game Burger Time, and a Retron 5 to play it on… but the Retron 5 didn’t work… nor did the other two I got after that… so, I just got my money back and I’m now on the market for an NES… or maybe another kind of retro gaming system. I did make her breakfast, and we hung out Saturday and she hung out at my place on Sunday. It was uneventful but fine…

Monday I mowed three yards. It was hard and terrible, because they were getting a bit overgrown and not one of them is level. Tuesday I did nothing. I was just depressed, so I decided it was a sick day. Wednesday I did a little bit… but not much, and then went to meet this guy I know from Facebook for a drink in really real life. He’s nice, but only wants to be friends… and because his schedule is so dramatically different from mine (he goes to bed at 8pm) I will probably not see him in really real life again. Thursday I tried to work in the living room… boxed up DVDs and stuff to put in the crawlspace, because I’m not ready to part with them but they take up too much space. Friday I mowed my backyard… and I think I cut it too close… and if my whole lawn dies it’s totally on me… plus I discovered all the wasps living in the various boxes on my property. So… not great.

Friday I also skipped out on my friend’s 30th birthday party. I had the intention of going, but I thought about it really hard and couldn’t think of a good reason to go. Is she a nice person? Yes, totally. Have I known her a long time? Since high school.

The reason I skipped out is because I didn’t want to go and I didn’t think I’d be missed. I don’t like karaoke. She loves it, so that’s what she did for her party. I also don’t feel comfortable in a social setting. Either I say something that makes me realize that I don’t relate to people at all or no one really speaks to me and I end up drunk from drinking my drinks too fast, as a way to cope with being socially awkward and ignored. Drunk me also has a tendency to try and socialize even harder, only to end up saying something moronic or offensive, so this doesn’t help me at all.

There’s also this thing that bothers me about my friends… They don’t show up.
I haven’t had a birthday party since I was 21. My birthday is inconvenient, as it’s Halloween, but also I never have anyone to invite to a party. My friends don’t come to parties that I throw, and this was first illustrated to me when at my 21st birthday party so few of MY friends showed up that my live-in boyfriend had to invite a bunch of his friends to come over so that I wouldn’t be depressed. This concept was reaffirmed when I had a picnic… invited a bunch of people, and only one person besides my mom showed up. I have a blog post about that, but it’s too depressing to link.

It’s just a thing… I’ve decided to stop bending for people. I’m lonely, sure, because everyone I know is a terrible friend, except the one in Oregon… but she’s in Oregon…. so… whatever.

This feeling will pass…

Point is, it was a depressing staycation… I accomplished almost nothing important, and I have no social life.

Cake, PropHunt, & Other Time Wasters

So I made a cake. Like, successfully.

If you’re unaware, btw, I have a blog just about shit I do that makes me happy. It’s called 300 Days of Sunshine. Only got two entries… but one is a cake recipe! So… go check it out.

I’m pretty good at cooking, but baking has always been another world for me.. It’s an EXACT science… I’m more into vague, shifty sciences… like art and cooking by taste. So, pulling off a cake was really important to me. I’m excited to learn to bake more things!

The cake itself was really good. Not too sweet. Tasted like Earl Grey. I didn’t make the icing or glaze for it… so I just drizzled Agave Nectar on it. Which tastes mostly like honey. So it was like a cup of tea, in a cake! I love it. Honestly, it tastes a little muffin-y, though. I don’t know if that’s a defect with my method, or if the recipe legit is supposed to taste that way… but it’s still really tasty, and I’m still really proud of me.

In other news, I keep trying to get people to download Garry’s Mod and play PropHunt with me. It’s a pretty old game, so I’m late to the show (2006 release), but it’s pretty neat to play on. Garry’s Mod is an open world sandbox game with no objectives, enemies, or goals. It’s just a lot of maps, some characters, and some weapons/vehicles/other junk. Essentially you can do anything! And all the add-ons are free! So you can download all these maps other people made for it, and random NPCs like Tellitubbies and Fry from Futurama, and all kinds of stuff. It’s pretty neat for a random space for you and your gamer friends to just run around in. There’s also game modes, though, like MURDER, where one of you is a murderer and try to kill everyone without anyone figuring out you’re the murderer.

One of the popular game modes I’ve seen on YouTube is PropHunt. It’s a hide-and-seek game where there are two teams… Hunters & Props. The Props get 30 secs to wander the map and find a prop (objects around the map that are movable) and they clone it. Then they have to hide and not get shot by the Hunters that wander the map looking for them. It’s pretty awesome. There’s taunts for luring Hunters to your area, all kinds of maps, and all kinds of things you can add in. I think it looks really fun. My friends don’t really wanna play with me, though… So… I’m ending up playing alone a lot, or trying to get in on a multiplayer with strangers… who are far superior gamers to me.

I also bought a new video game… INJUSTICE: Gods Among Us. I dunno why I bought it, aside from it being $20 at Target. I HAVE SO MANY GAMES!!! FOR SO MANY SYSTEMS!!! And I have finished one of them… I just… I like playing, but I really wish I had someone to play with. They’re just a distraction from being kinda lonely, at this point.

I’m still mad about the SupaNerd that chucked me to the curb. He seemed so nice. He liked hanging out with me.

I’m talking to a new guy. Not a nerd… Music enthusiast, and generally NORMAL kind of person. I prefer nerds, but he doesn’t seem to mind that I’m a MegaGeek. We are supposed to meet on Thursday for a beer. We’ll see how that works out. As shallow as it is, I’m a little worried about the fact he’s in a chair. Not that I have anything against it, but my life isn’t really chair-accessible. My house is a tri-level. I have four dogs and a cat. My favorite hobby is to jump around at a metal show. AND I recently took up hiking. So… I dunno if that’s gonna be a problem if this kinda half-ass works out. I guess we’ll see.

I still can’t draw. I keep trying and I can’t get in the mindset. I just end up mad at whatever I’m putting down… can’t think of what I even want the scene to look like… So… that’s been annoying…

But I went to the museum with Mothership and Cat yesterday. That was fun. We saw the chocolate exhibit, and walked around, saw an IMAX 3D on the ocean, and saw a planetarium show (which was mediocre at best, but Mothership sat next to a guy that may or may not have been dead… so that was neat). It’s been kind of nice to have excursions on the weekend.

The VVitch was not a great movie, btw. Too many unanswered questions, not enough plot development, not enough character development. I feel like it would make a better book, so that you have the room to explore all the questions I had.

Thinking of writing the book myself, actually. If I ever have the time to be inspired.

I’m Lonely

I went out with Cat last weekend. We just went to a 90s show. We invited an old coworker and we had a great time. Prior to that I had not gone out since I went to the ER back in December.  That would make sense if I were scared of going out after my ordeal, but that’s not the reason. The reason I haven’t been out is because I haven’t had anyone to go out with since then.

I used to have more friends; not a lot more, but more. I also used to not be afraid to go out alone. Even when I had more friends that I saw semi-regularly we didn’t often share interests, so I adopted the habit of going to things by myself. It was practical, because if I waited for someone to want to go to things WITH ME… I’d never go. I went to car shows, rock shows, museums, art shows, taverns, breweries, and even a club or two all by my lonesome. I would enjoy myself well enough. I liked it better when people went with me, but I didn’t let a lack of company stop me from doing anything that I wanted to do.

That was just a few years ago. Since then, I’ve stopped going places alone. I don’t know why. Somehow I grew uncomfortable with that and stopped doing things just for me.

Since my friends did not get better at going out to things and we still don’t actually share any interests, I just spend a lot of time alone, now. It’s kind of good, because I like spending time with the dogs, especially with Keagan being as old as he is and Kyrie having glaucoma and being as old as she is. Still, as much as I hate it, there are nights where the company of a dog just doesn’t seem to fill the social interaction void in my life.

I realized that I’ve been filling this space in my life with stuff… It only becomes apparent when I start impulsively buying everything I want on a whim… And when I start binging. No amount of Chipotle or comic books can fill the space. Trust me. I’ve tried. So I have a bunch of new comic books, a bunch of new video games, a Kindle Fire to replace my cracked iPad (which I totally didn’t need), and all the binging. It’s been bad, recently. It makes you notice… but what REALLY made me notice?

lonely

He was kidding. I know he was kidding.
We talk about this kind of thing a lot, because he lives on the other side of the world and he gets lonely, too. Still, he said it, and it dawned on me: that is EXACTLY what I am trying to do.

So what does it take to fill the hole of crippling loneliness? People? A best friend? A lover?
Maybe it just takes ENOUGH material things. Maybe once I get a Surface Pro 4 I’ll be so distracted by my hobbies that I’ll feel better…

Here’s my current hobbies:

  • painting
  • drawing
  • video games
  • handheld video games
  • writing
  • reading
  • comic books
  • computer games
  • remodeling the house
  • tv
  • collecting and watching old or banned movies
  • working crazy amounts of overtime

I really have enough hobbies that it SHOULD fill all the time. I shouldn’t have time to feel lonely between all the games I need to beat and the books I have to read and the art projects I’m planning. So how does it seep in?

In the weeks following my coworker’s suicide, things have been said. No one saw it coming. It didn’t make sense. It would have made more sense if it was that weird guy we all know has emotional problems. How does one get to that point? Why didn’t he just talk to someone? All those things are curious to me.

I’ve thought often about suicide for roughly 14 years, now. I remember the first time I thought about it I was 13, and it was long-term planning. I just wasn’t sure I could handle being an adult. I’ve managed. I surprised myself. Still, I’ve thought about it a lot. I think about it at least weekly. I assumed that everyone’s thought about it at some point. Maybe I think about it more often than others, but surely I’m not the only person that thinks about it semi-regularly… right? Guess not. So… I’ve gotten to the point where it’s an option… why don’t I talk to someone?

Well the people in my life I could talk to are… My mother, which would result in a lot of yelling about what an idiot I am for thinking about it and then a lot of crying and her wondering what she did wrong. I could talk about it to Cali BFF. but all he ever says are Nihilistic things about how life is meaningless anyways. If I ever DO kill myself, I’m gonna add a blurb in my letter about how he was right and life IS pointless and thus I opted out of it. Maybe I’ll thank him for the input. There’s the Oregon BFF. I think if she were around I’d feel less sad, but I still don’t think I could talk to her about something like killing myself.

I mean who can you talk about that with? Who isn’t going to be instantly concerned? Who’s not going to freak out? No one. Maybe a shrink. They’re significantly less prone to having you locked up than people think, but I really hate paying someone to listen to me, to be honest.

My aussie friend, crippling loneliness guy up there, thinks I need to find a group to be a part of, like a gaming group or something. My mother thinks I need to volunteer somewhere so I can maybe find a husband.

I dunno what I should do.

I know that I keep getting up. I know that as low as I get and how many time I might think of killing myself, I’ve never REALLY tried it… although, a few of my drinking escapes could prolly be racked up to suicide attempts, no matter how unintentional they might have been. I don’t know.

I just… know that I’m lonely, and that people dislike me. I’m abrasive, and I can be crass. I am either silent or I’m in your face. I always think I want friends, and then I end up trying to get rid of them. So… I dunno, guys.

I don’t… know.