Diary Entry Epsilon Upsilon Theta Pi

Dear, dear diary, I wanna tell my secrets.
You’re the only one that I know will keep them.

Let’s see… what’s happened since Easter.

I went to my 6 week post op appointment, got cranked open and everything looks fine. I expected as much. I haven’t had any pain or anything in a couple weeks. I did ask her about the lingering fatigue, though. I feel like I’m always tired… But she just said I’m still healing inside, so maybe that’s it. I think it could also be dealing with my own hormones again. I’ve been on the Nuvaring so long that it was my normal. Now I have to deal with whatever my ovaries send out. It’s been annoying, but I’ve also been hella stressed, so it might NOT be my ovaries. Guess I’ll just see if it gets better. She did check my thyroid for abnormalities. As usual, it’s fine… which is good, but also disappointing. They can’t fix something if they can’t find it.

Friday night Chris had Amber babysit Addi so he could go with me to meet my cousin for dinner. I haven’t seen Ryan in like 15 years, and when he got offered a fully paid for vacation to Colorado for some book he wrote a story for (he got 3rd place) he jumped on the chance. I’d forgotten this, of course, and failed to properly plan. SO. I had them train into Union Station, and then Chris and I trained into Union Station. I met Ryan’s lovely wife of roughly 4 years, Colby, and we ventured out to explore.

Mostly we wandered around for a while, and then settled on BD’s Mongolian BBQ for dinner. I figured it was a safe bet, because you make your own stir fry, so everyone could get whatever they wanted. Over dinner we chatted. Ryan (33) grew up to be a librarian. I don’t know how that happened, but that’s what happened. Lol. He’s always liked to write, so I guess it suits him, really. I asked him about his brother, Jason, as he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in 2015. I guess he’s currently in remission, but he’s not getting his hopes up too high, as he’s been in remission before and it just comes back. I wish there was something I could do for him and his wife, but Ryan donated marrow to him, so all we can hope is that he stays in remission. Colby (21) is a nursing student, and asked me about my surgery (because in my haste to explain why I sucked at planning I blurted out that I had had cancer). She’s actually very knowledgeable and explained to us why I had to shoot myself in the tummy with Lovenox instead of something like taking it orally. (I guess stomach acid breaks it down and makes it less effective.)

Now, if you, like I, have done the head math, you will have noticed my cousin is 12 years older than his lovely wife, and that they’ve been married for 4 years… I guess when she was 18 they literally ran off and got hitched. When I did that head math I just went, “well, Ryan, that’s a very southern age gap.” We are a southern family, to be fair. My mom was 13 years older than my dad, got an aunt 15 years younger than her husband, got an aunt 20 years older than her hubster… you get it. I, personally, always found those age gaps gross and weird, but to each their own. Ryan and Colby are happy, and they’re a cute couple, and both sides of the family are on board with it. So, whatever two consenting adults do is their business. Lol.

After dinner, we headed over to the Dairy Block and got ice cream, trying to show them around my favorite part of LoDo, and then it was time to go home. I told them to come back any time, and they said to let them know if we ever wind up in Georgia. Lol. Ryan, being some of the only family I like, was a real treat, and I was really glad to see them.

Amber and Addi had a great time. Amber even did Addi’s makeup, which Addi loved. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little jealous. I’m not… great with kids… or Addi. I feel like I end up being a disciplinarian, because I tell her to behave. Other than that she likes my dogs, but I’m not 100% sure she really likes ME. She likes Amber, though. Amber is a really real life cartoon character that likes art. What more could you ask for in a babysitter? I wish I had that kind of… knack for children. I’m working on it… I’m just not… great at it.

Addi was supposed to go to her mom’s for the weekend, but had a birthday party in Aurora on Saturday afternoon that she REALLY wanted to go to… and she doesn’t have a lot of friends, so Chris thought it might be good for her. Meanwhile, Chris worked Saturday, and I went to meet my new boss lady.

MH is a lot closer to home, but it’s no high end dealer. That being said, I really liked the layout. It’s a small showroom sitting on a large plot of land. Actually, there’s multiple buildings, and it’s under construction for a remodel, so who knows what it’ll look like when they’re done. It’s… no Mercedes dealer, though. I felt very out of my element as a Mercedes employee for 13 years.

I met new boss lady. She’s actually really nice, it seems. She showed me the office. It looks like an office. She did say no green hair, so I’m thinking wine tones next color?

Honestly, it went great, and they’re gonna pay 75k-ish (based on gross) instead of the 70k I asked for. But seeing the place and meeting boss lady and everything made it so real… and I’ve been having panic attacks ever since. I had one today, even. Just thinking about… It’s bad. I know it’ll be okay, but right now it’s really not.

With Addi gone to her mom’s, Chris and Koopa came over. We played some video games and watched some stand up, and went to bed. Sunday morning we got up and after hanging out in bed till like 11, we invited Billie & Aaron to brunch at our Jewish deli. They came! It was great. Afterwards Chris and I went to Goodwill, cuz it was there, and got some random stuff. He found Addi a Five Nights At Freddy’s backpack, and I got some teacups from Japan, and we both got books… because books. It was just genuinely fun. Then we came home and played more Resident Evil.

This weekend I’m taking Addi to some comic shops for free comic book day, since Chris works. I’ll let you know how that goes. I tried to wrangle Sarah or Bren & Shaunna into coming and bringing THEIR spawn, but I ended up with Bird… who loves kids and comics and will prolly outshine me with Addi. Lol. But that’s okay. I’m excited.

Might grab pho with Billie & Aaron Sunday. Might see Endgame. Might sleep. Who knows.



It’s been an eventful week.

Monday, I had a panic attack because of my upcoming career move… there’s a whole entry about that, though.

Tuesday, Chris and I took the girls to see Shazam. It was great, but those three are a mess. First, Brin wanted to sit next to me, which is cool. Chris vetoed that because HE wanted to sit next to me. I was like, “dude, if she wants to sit next to me she can.”  But he ended up sitting next to me since I was on the end of the row. I considered moving so she could sit on my other side, but I didn’t feel like having the conversation in which Addi would prolly throw a fit. As it was, Addi tried to throw a fit when the waitress came, because Brin ordered her iced tea before Addi could order her food. She was wrenching up her face and pointing (literally) a tiny accusatory finger at Brin, and I just said in the most solid voice I’ve ever used, “ADDISON. TELL THE WOMAN WHAT YOU WANT TO EAT AND DRINK.” And she did. o we dodged that stray bullet… But, Addi’s jealousy doesn’t stop there. Oh no. In the middle of the movie, she got out of her seat and crawled in Chris’ lap, which is fine, but she also told him he wasn’t allowed to hold my hand… to which I was glad he told her he was gonna do it anyways. After the movie, she also wanted to ban us from kissing. I guess that’s fair, since I am jealous of the fact she has a good dad… Lol.

We were supposed to do laser tag, but Chris didn’t get it planned in time, so instead we took the girls to Casa Bonita. The most amusing part of that, for me, was definitely Brin’s complete lack of knowledge of Mexican food and the Spanish language. I guess Mexican isn’t as prevalent in Wyoming as here in Denver.

The ride there should have been a good omen for the visit. Addison got mad at me and Brin, because Addi kept picking at a scab on her arm… and I told her to stop, or it’ll get infected, and once gangrene sets in all that’s left is to amputate or you’ll die. (I am dramatic, I know.) So then Brin and I were talking about divvying up Addi’s stuff when she dies of gangrene, and Addi started crying because we were “taking [her] stuff.” I was like, “Nothing actually happened… calm down.” She was miffed by that, but then her and Brin got into a chopping war and were giggling and having a good time, so she let it go.

Both the girls had a lot of fun at Casa Bonita. It IS kind of a child wonderland. Addi was obsessed with the diver, who I chatted with a lot. His name is Anthony and he’s a gymnast and he’s hella nice. Then she chased the gorilla when it ran around the restaurant. There’s something hilarious about a man in a gorilla outfit being chased by a woman with a large net, and then Addi just tailing them through the restaurant. She also came and hauled Chris through Black Bart’s Cave, which apparently scared Brinley, because there were kids in there trying to scare each other. Brin, did not run around as much, but she did enjoy having Addi free time with her dad and myself, and when she did go explore she thought the arcade looked fun.

Oh, the arcade… this is where it all fell apart. So, they ran a special on tokens and I got both girls tokens. Admittedly, I got Brin twice as many, because she wanted to go to the arcade and Addi was still just lost in this restaurant harassing gorillas somewhere. Both girls went in and played games, then Addi decided to give Brin the rest of her tokens and run off again. Which was fine, really, except when it came to turning in tickets. At 5, Addi wasn’t great at games anyways, so she only had 13 tickets, and had run off leaving unused tokens with Brin (11), who figured out this Jackpot game and managed to get over 100 tickets. While Brin was turning in all the tickets and trying to figure out what she could get for Addi and herself, Chris went and found Addi, who then had a MELTDOWN about the tickets. Bless the college aged prize man, because when Addi hit the ground and started sobbing (to which I looked at Chris and said, “You should deal with that, DAD.”) he reached behind the counter and gave her a plastic ring that was worth 30 tickets at no cost to Brin. Brin got some little flying spinner thingy, and Addi continued to be miserable because she didn’t get… I dunno why she was still upset, really.

She was tired, I know that. It was after 9 when we left, and in spite her nap she was tired from running all over the damn place. She is also just jealous as fuck of Brin, which I get but don’t get. I get it because she’s 5 and she’s jealous of literally everything, but she also gets her dad full time and Brin doesn’t so I don’t get the spite. Anyways, we pass the free candy bowl and Addi steals a handful, because she’s 5 and 5 year olds suck. Then we go outside and she wants to use the giant fountain as a jungle gym because it’s not running yet. I had to shut that down, too. We got in the car and I hear this little voice say, “Sam, I didn’t have a good time.” So I turn around and she’s on the brink of tears and stuff, and I’m just like, “I’m sorry you didn’t have a good time watching divers and chasing gorillas and playing in a giant restaurant. I’ll never bring you back.” I would pay money to have her reaction to that on film, because we both know she had fun… but she’s unhappy and wants to say she didn’t and blame it on Brin. So she tries to push out some sentence about how Brin should have shared her tickets, and I was just honest with her. “Brin is 11. She’s better at games than you, and she won her tickets fair and square, and she’s not obligated to share them with you. As it is, you didn’t have enough tickets for anything and that nice man gave you a ring worth 30 tickets.” She didn’t have much of a response for that except to whimper ALL THE WAY HOME.

You know that whimper kids make when they don’t REALLY have anything to cry about, but they want you to be worried about their feelings? It was that. For an hour. All the way home. When we pulled up to my house I told Brin to let me know when she was coming back so I could make sure Chris and I planned a good time for her, and told Addi I’d see her later. After I closed the door I saw Addi wretch up her face to cry, which she apparently did all the way to their house. She only felt better after she told Chris’ dad about why she was upset. I found THAT hilarious, because half the time she hates HIM, too. But whatever. 5 year olds.

Spending that much time with Chris and his kids, I learned a few things.

First, Addison has been poorly parented up till now (by everyone in her life, it seems). She’s a spoiled rotten little narcissist that thinks crying is going to solve all her problems. As a result, she’s not really sure what to do with me, since I don’t respond to it like everyone else. I don’t negotiate and I don’t care if she screams and cries till she’s hoarse… I just tell her to do it somewhere I can’t hear it or to stop.

Secondly, I am 100% my mother when parenting. I don’t have time for kids to act a fool for no reason. I maintain my very dry sense of humor, and while I try not to overstep, since there are NOT my kids, I seem to have assumed the role of disciplinarian for Addi. I don’t punish her, but I don’t take her crap, and that seems really mean to her right now. I’m not thrilled about this, but if she’s gonna be in my life, we’re gonna have to deal with each other.

Lastly, Chris is more of a follower than I originally thought. For months it’s been in my head that he’s older than me (only by 3 years)  and so I can’t act childish or anything. Spending time with him and his kids has shown me that it really doesn’t matter, because he’s not going to think I’m childish… and even if he did, he likes not being so serious.

So… I’d say that while it’s exhausting it was a good week.

Update Blip

Well, last week sucked. I went home early every single day, except Wednesday, and that was because my Jeep was getting an oil change that took till about 6pm. Consequently, on Thursday I was EXHAUSTED. I relish going home early when I can, but not when I HAVE TO. It just makes me feel so useless.

My reprieve was that Addi went to her mom’s on Wednesday, so Chris and Koopa spent the rest of the week with me. Going home and finding him there was really nice. I’m looking forward to it being a daily thing. I even came home to him doing dishes Friday when I came home in pain. I went upstairs to lay down, and when he was done he came up to nap with me. He’s a great guy. He made me feel a lot better.

We had a great week. Nothing special happened, but we had a good time just being together. We watched Misfits, and played RE7, and he laughed at me playing RE2, cuz I’m bad at it. We played some card games, like Unspeakable Words. It was just nice to have someone to come home to, and someone to spend time with while I’m there.

I’m teaching him how to cook, which he loves. We were going to make stuffed pork loins, but the loins were too thin to stuff… so we used the apple, celery, onion, and baby bella mushrooms cooked in balsamic vinegar, topped with feta, as a side to go with pan roasted sweet carrots. He liked that. He also liked me teaching him about roulades. We used some steak I had in the freezer and pounded it out, then filled it with cheese, tortillas, and fajitas. Seared it off and baked it for a little bit. It was amazing.

We were supposed to go to the car show with Billie, but it snowed and I hurt. I hate hurting.

Saturday… I don’t think we even left the house. It was great.

Sunday we went to find sushi, and ended up at a Jewish Deli called The Bagel. It was bomb. Chris had wanted a reuben, and we found a giant one there. I like food adventures.

I’m still tired. And I’m getting PMS symptoms. I didn’t think about the fact that still having ovaries means I’m going to get PMS symptoms… so annoying. And my incision still hasn’t healed. It was weeping earlier today. That was also annoying.


Everything In Transition

So I spent the past two days in bed with flu. Fucking sucked. Still sucks. I’m not sick anymore, but my throat is WRECKED from coughing incredibly hard. Like there’s something in my throat that pops every time I swallow. That’s not natural…. (but Oak Express is…)

So, I spent two days alone at home in agony and hell, mostly sleeping and hating being alive.
And then the unthinkable happened.

Corporate offered me a promotion.

They want me to move to a sister store as an Assistant Controller.

Now, that sounds like a good thing, and it kind of is, but also that dropped a major bomb on my already revved up anxiety about my life. I’ve already had my existential crisis, so I can’t just go with the flow anymore. I know I’ve got one life to live, and that if it’s gonna be good life I have to MAKE it a good life. So, obviously, I had to start thinking about ALL my life choices. A lot of the beginning ones weren’t great, but they’ve gotten progressively better, I think.

So right now, I’ve got some big life changes happening.

  • Hysterectomy
  • Chris Moving In
  • Possible New Job

It’s tense.

Should I be getting the hysterectomy? It’s gonna be hella expensive, but I still think it’s better than dying of cervical cancer. Also it means I won’t have any unplanned pregnancies, which is good but also the only way I was probably ever going to have a kid. So, I reconciled the kid thing, but it’s still a looming transition. Imma be broke, out for two weeks, and it’s not something I can go back on.

Should Chris be moving in this summer? Debatable. I want him there, for sure. I don’t know that I’m ready to be a step mom, or that I’ll be a good one. It’s not like he’s going to be able to help that much with finances, seeing as he doesn’t make that much and he’s swimming in debt. He’s not going to pay rent at the moment… so… it’s just taking on two people with the hopes that more chores get done, really. And, of course, that I like having him around. It’s not a financial move. It could turn out worse than when Mike moved in. I’m still not sure about it… but it’s something I don’t have to focus on till this summer… so I’m kind of putting it on the back burner, for now.

Should I take the job?

That I can’t answer at all. I don’t know how much it’ll pay, or any of the details, really. I meet with the GM on Monday to discuss what he’s offering, since he seems desperate, but I wouldn’t take the job till we talk terms and I see the office, and meet the controller, meet the office manager, and know how the store is doing. Since it’s a sister store, it’s not like I’m oblivious to what’s been going on there. I’m well aware. Also, since I’m not unemployed it’s not like I HAVE to take the job. I’m quite comfortable where I am… but I’m interested.

Unfortunately, I just can’t DO anything about these worries right now. I hate life in transition, but I can’t really blow these things off or speed them up. It’s frustrating, but I’m just going to have to see how thing play out and make decisions as the time line allows….

I wish I could jump to May… I’d know what I did.

Skeletons in the Basement

This weekend Chris and I started planning out the move. We can’t move him in till like May, cuz I’m about to be down and out post-surgery, but I liked the planning… It felt productive.

We also started shoving trash from the red room into a pile and going through things. I think we only worked for about an hour, but we made great progress. I had to ask to stop, though. The stuff in the basement makes me sad. I joke that I keep bodies in my basement, but really I keep a lot of skeletons. Memories that hurt because people are dead, or just gone. I don’t cope with loss that well.

Chris was great about it, though. He took me upstairs and we played Mortal Kombat. No questions asked other than if I wanted to talk about it. I did not.

He talked to the ex and Addi will be going to her place for the summer. So, that will give Chris and I time to move him and Koopa in, and to get Addi used to the idea. Also to see if we can all live together in the first place… I mean, I think I can live with Chris, but it remains to be seen. Chris also said that Addi might do school up with the ex next year, to give him a break to try and get himself together. It’s still up in the air, but it’s good. I feel good about it.

I have to work on getting that pile of trash out of the basement… I don’t want it to just sit. I want progress before my surgery.

I’m getting more nervous about my surgery, but I’m trying not to. It’s no big deal, I say. But I feel like it’s a big deal. It’s irreversible. I know it’s the right thing to do, but it doesn’t make the idea of losing the thing that defines me as a woman. If it were any other person I’d be like, no no no having babies isn’t what makes you a woman, followed by a long tirade about identity and gender, etc. But it’s not someone else. It’s me. And I’ve never been great at being a woman anyways. I’m not feminine. I’m not good at makeup. I’m not just… nothing. And now my insides will match the outsides… It’s a bad feeling.

But then there’s the rest. There’s Chris, and how much he loves me, all of me. He loves me even though I’m not feminine, even though I’m 85 pounds heavier than he is, even though I don’t shave my legs, even though I’m awkward as fuck, even though I’m unsure how to treat kids, even though I’m not sure about so many things. Somehow life is better when someone loves you “even though.” I think “even though” is better than “because.” I know why Chris loves me… but the things he loves me in spite of mean more to me.

Anyways. That’s the update. Nothing dramatic…. but complicated.

I got the weird feelz

So, I asked Chris what we were going to do with Addi this weekend, and he told me he and the whole family, even Koopa, are all going out of town for the weekend to see his great grandparents, freeing up my weekend and making me exempt from having to do “kid things.” I feel like I should be happy about that, because I don’t really like doing things that involve children, even Addi, but I feel… not… good… I don’t want to go with them, or anything, but I’m like disappointed.

It doesn’t make sense to me, but David says that it makes sense to him… so maybe it’s just a case of not recognizing feelings. Or maybe stress?

I’m worried about Kyrie. Monday evening I came home to a WRECKED house. She pulled down the front window curtains, ripped the hardware for the backdoor curtains out of the wall, flipped the exercise bike, tried to get behind the desk where my computer is, and generally destroyed my living room, knocking lots of shit over. I was worried, because she could’ve hurt herself really badly, so I made the executive decision to crate her from now on.

Brief History of Crating Kyrie: DON’T

Kyrie has never liked the crate. I don’t know why, but it’s never worked out. She used to break out by any means necessary. She can pop the doors on both the big plastic and wire crates. She even squeezed herself through a seam of a wire popup crate once, tearing all the skin off one side of her face (and probably cracking a few ribs) in the process. I once secured the door of a plastic crate with a cord she couldn’t get through, so she busted THROUGH THE PLASTIC out the back. So when I decided to crate her this time… I was worried.

Tuesday was rough. I watched her on my home camera all day, and she paced, and she panted, and she paced, and she panted, but she remained in the crate. Today I moved the camera around to a different angle and set it to alert me to motion and audio, so I could see if she was trying to bust out of if she was crying a lot. She’s scratched at the crate door (that I tied shut) and been unhappy, but hasn’t thrown a tantrum or escaped as of yet.

I just now checked the camera to see her pawing the door of the kennel and Kira, who is next to her, barking no at her. It was cute.

This morning, Kyrie also had diarrhea all over the bathroom. It’s not uncommon for her to be sick, but it’s unusual she didn’t tell me she needed to go out. So I’ve got erratic behavior and unusual behavior and I’m… worried. I called the vet to see if they can give her something for anxiety, but they have to do blood work first. So we have an appointment on Saturday. Maybe it will get better.

Along with the vet, I made a list of small things I should do around the house this weekend, since Chris will be gone. I’ve been putting off a lot of chores in lieu of spending time with Chris. It’s a prioritization problem. But whatever. I’m gonna see if I can knock a couple out in the evenings for the rest of the week, so it’ll be less this weekend, and it will look like I did a ton when Chris comes over again. Goals.

I reflected on my therapy session from Monday, and I think what I missed was that I can’t make changes until I set some goals. There’s nothing to change until  get some goals for what I want. So my first goal is just to knock out some chores this weekend. The overall goal is to get my house cleaned, organized, and decluttered.

My shrink really wants me to work on my goals I setup with her, obviously. I think this falls under things that would decrease my anxiety. People are happier in a nice environment. Also, if my house is clean, I can have people over, which would be part of my relationships goal. Although, the idea of inviting people over sounds terrible… lol.

Amber is moving in with Rob! They’ve been dating for three months. Chris and I are in love, but they are CRAZY in love. So, soonly there will be Rob, Amber, two cats, and two rats all living in harmony (hopefully). She’s there almost all the time anyways, so I’m happy for them. I’m jealous, but I’m happy for them.

I wish Chris and I were in a place where we could be reckless and I could move him in… but then there’s Addi…. It makes it sound like she’s a problem, which is NOT what I’m saying. As much as I dislike kids, I like her. We have fun. She’s just a kid, and that means we can’t be reckless and irresponsible. Her mom’s already moved her boyfriend and his kids in with her, and that’s been enough for Addi to deal with. It’s not that I wish she weren’t around… I just… wish the first time I fell in love it wasn’t so complicated and restrained. You know? I feel like I’m missing out on something.

Who Killed Laura Palmer?

I love Twin Peaks. If I’m honest, I even love the new Twin Peaks season. That’s why, when I heard David Lynch’s daughter wrote a book called The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer I definitely wanted to read it. Instead, I got the audio book, narrated by Sheryl Lee herself, the actress who played Laura Palmer all these years. I didn’t realize it was going to be such a dark descent into using sex to feel and drugs to not. It’s a very intense book. It’s crazy. Good, but crazy. I think the book bothers me because while I’m not being haunted by Evil Bob, I had something of sordid life involving sex… so it’s a little triggering.

With that, I’ve started seeing a talk shrink. I don’t know how it’s going to go, yet. I like her well enough for only having seen her once. She wants me to try DBT. I dunno that I want to try DBT. David 2 is in DBT. He thinks it’s great… but he also thinks he’s better, and I disagree. So. Unsure about that.

I had to stop taking the Ritalin. It gives me a headache and makes me nauseous. With that, I’ve noticed that my moods aren’t right. I emailed my med shrink to tell her. I dunno what she’ll do. I guess I have to wait.

Chris asked me to babysit again on Sunday. I agreed. I don’t really want to, but I’m trying to focus on what everyone else has said about it. It’s nice he trusts me with his kid. It’s nice she likes me. It means something. It means that he trusts me. Trust is the basis of a good relationship. I should value that. I like Addi, but I’m just not really big on kids, I guess. I ordered her some old movies for Christmas, to go with a pop up book I thought was pretty cool. Who doesn’t love The Brave Little Toaster or A Goofy Movie? I hope she likes them. If she doesn’t, all I can say is that I’m not great with kids. I worry my apathy towards kids is going to be a problem for Chris and I later. He’s going to notice. He’s going to feel personally attacked because he’s got two kids. We’ll fight. I’ll have my first real broken heart.

I know I should calm down and relax about it, because every love story is a tragedy if you wait long enough, but…. well, I guess I’m jealous. You see, we hooked up Rob and Amber, and that’s great, but I’m jealous of them. They’re both 31 with no kids and very few responsibilities. She’s at his house almost every single night. They’re so in love, in a sick and unhealthy obsessive kind of way. Chris has Addi. Chris has Brinley. Chris has massive crippling debt. Chris has a wife. There’s honestly a lot standing between us and the out of control sickening love that Rob and Amber have going on, and I’m jealous of that. I’ve never been in love before. Somehow it feels like I got jipped (for the record I tried to think of another word, because I hate using a word relating back to the oppression of the Romany people, but I just couldn’t think of one that conveyed what I’m trying to say) on the experience, since I’m having to make sacrifices for it. That’s the cost of falling in love for the first time so late in life, I guess.

I know it’s selfish. I know that I’m selfish for wishing things were different. I know when you love someone you’re not supposed to want them to be different, but if we’re honest I wish I’d met him before he’d had kids. We could have been crazy in love. Now we’re… tip-toeing around kids and his relationship with his soon to be ex-wife. He wants to be her friend. She texted him last weekend, and she was having some kind of crisis and wanted all of his attention, and he didn’t give it to her, but it distressed him. He was still trying to figure out what to say the next morning, because he doesn’t know how to play it. He’s worried I’ll be jealous, and I am, but I’m not going to tell him that. He’s worried she’ll be mad he’s not giving her his attention, and she was BUT SHE HAS A LIVE IN BOYFRIEND SHE COULD TALK TO.

I guess my honeymoon phase with Chris is over. We’re entering the part where you have to make some decisions and sacrifices…. and I’m really not sure I want to make any of those. It’s gonna get real hard and weird…. and I’m not looking forward to that.