I Forgot How to Ride a Bike (Also, Another Ex Got Married)

This week has sucked. Monday I had food poisoning. Tuesday I was just unable to focus. Wednesday I got my new crazy meds and they put me to sleep at work. All I can do is hope that it gets better from here… and it should… I have a good weekend planned, but then…

Woke up from a sex dream this morning, and I’ll spare you the raunchy details, but it gave me an idea. “Hey, I’ve got a date Saturday… and I’d like to get laid… maybe I could ask him if he’d like to go back to his place for dessert! YEA! INNUENDO!” That was immediately followed with meditating on the fact I’m pretty sure my generation has done away with the idea that sleeping with someone on the first date makes you a ho and——–“OMG I HAVEN’T HAD SEX SINCE SUMMER 2015… Do I even remember how to have sex?!”

So yeah. That’s real facts right there… I have no idea if I remember how to have sex. That’s a terrifying thought at 28. On the bright side, from this guy’s profile, he might not care. He’s really nice, too, so that’s helpful.

I feel like maybe a couple dates in I could probably be like, “Hey, so here’s my situation, but I’d like to bang you?” but my plan to be all spontaneous and shit might not be the best course of action, since I’d prolly have a panic attack and ruin everything.

My friends have attempted to reassure me… One just said sex isn’t that hard to do and it’ll come back to me… The other said it’s like riding a bike… Here’s the thing… Last time I tried to ride a bike, I realized I’ve forgotten how to ride a bike.

Blue Bike by Thomas Cummings

The bike is obviously a metaphor… I just… I’m not really comfortable with the whole idea of having to tell someone that. So don’t tell them. Okay, brain, but if I don’t tell them and I’m terrible in bed they’re gonna think I just go around being a bad lay, and I have been a lot of things in my life, but I haven’t been a bad lay since I was 14.

I’m sure honesty is the best policy, but it gives me wicked anxiety… cuz then they’re gonna ask why.

So why haven’t I had sex for so long? Well… to be honest I dunno.

I could say it was because the last time was so awful. If you didn’t read that entry, I SCARED THE LITERAL FUCK OUT OF A GUY who also turned out to be homeless. Who knew? I met him at a poly party. Those people aren’t usually homeless or easily scared.

I could say it’s because I’m asexual, which I still maintain is true, but it’s not why. For me sex is like going Elitches… sounds fun, but I’m gonna complain about getting hot and sweaty and being tired, and then if you can get me there I’ll never want to leave… cuz it’s fun.

I could say I’ve been celibate… I could say a lot of things, but at the end of the day I just haven’t been sexually attracted to anyone. Actually it’s not even that, it’s that I’ve been actually sexually repelled from people since then. I’m not picky about things like looks 9/10 times someone wants to get down or ask me on a date… but for the past two years I just haven’t been interested, and people expressing interest in me actually made me revolted.

I dunno what’s different now, but that guy I’m seeing Saturday just texted me good morning and I legit involuntarily smiled… FUCK. I don’t have time to have legit interest in someone… sigh… Still… I like that he texted. Lol.

IN OTHER NEWS! Vaunder got married. I don’t know that I’ve touched on Vaun a whole lot. He was an ex from when I was 17-18. He was an introverted gamer with a crazy family.

I had a good two years with him, and part of me thought we’d end up married, but the rest of me was in Manic Depressive hell, on trial and error drugs trying to stabilize my mood, suffering from Bulimia, and binge drinking so much I can’t even tell you who I slept with since Vaun didn’t come out with me.

I liked Vaun. He was a sweet guy that definitely deserved better. Now it looks like he has, and I’m super stoked for him, even though we haven’t spoken in like ten years. Lol. I went out and stalked him and found out they got married at Ren Fest last weekend (which I was also at…) I went snooping to get a picture, and here it is.

For the record he didn’t look like this when we dated 10 years ago. Lol. All my mom could say was, “that could’ve been you.” Honestly, I’m glad it’s not… we weren’t real compatible outside of a good sex life. Still, I’m glad he found someone. He deserved better than me, and it seems he found a really good one. So I hope they live happily ever after, just like the picture implies.

Reception

Back in May I found out that my ex got married when his wife posted their wedding pics and tagged him in all of them on FB (they were actually married in April). I thought I made a blog entry about it, but I couldn’t find one. I think I just drank a lot, instead. I remember doing that, for sure.

Today my ex invited me to his wedding reception, which his wife is calling their “Happily Ever After Party.” That’s cute. I like it. I bet she’s really nice. I hope they’re happy. It’s also really nice he invited me. I don’t want to go, but it’s nice he invited me.

Don’t get it twisted, I am not still in love with my ex.
The thing is that A, I hate weddings and wedding kinds of things, and 2, I’m busy wallowing in my own misery and loneliness.

You see, I’ve been single for four years. I haven’t has a serious relationship since then, and I was totally fine with that until he got married. When he got married, I was reminded that I’ve been single for four years without even a serious INTEREST in another human being. Meanwhile, he was off cultivating a nice relationship with a nice girl and married her, just like he always wanted. It just made me feel like I’m not trying or something. Like, by movie rules I should at least have found a new boyfriend or discovered I was a lesbian or something.

I mean, I did reconcile with the fact I’m asexual and aromantic, and I guess counts since I got to deal with all those messed up feelings that I’ve been pushing down for the better part of 13 years, but we’ve gone over how that doesn’t really help me with any feelings of discontent. I’m still an insufferably lonely person, and all being aro ace adds to that is that it’s 99.999% harder to find someone. I mean, who wants to put in time with someone that doesn’t care for romance and doesn’t wanna fuck you? What am I bringing to the dating table here? Nothing. I’m bringing nothing.

If this were another person I’d be telling them to forget dating and really just enjoy their friendships, as well as them just going out and meeting people that do things they do. As we’ve also discussed, I don’t have friends and I don’t meet people when I go out. I recently realized that I’m so out of touch with the people that are supposed to be my friends, that I didn’t know that the group split because two of them aren’t talking to each other anymore. I can’t tell you what any of them are doing. I have totally cut myself off from them… and you know what? I don’t miss them.
Am I lonely? You bet your ass, but I don’t miss them.

I dunno why my ex’s marriage bothers me so much. I cut him loose because I didn’t want to get married and I knew he did. I still don’t wanna get married, like to anyone, but like in my head, all I can hear is my mom and her relentless insistence that I find someone so that I’m not completely alone when she dies. I finally got her to stop saying it in real life, but she’s said it so much in my life that it’s permanently ingrained on my brain that I’m going to be completely alone after she dies.

The closest I’ve gotten to dating recently is an extreme introvert that I occasionally get tacos with. I’m not romantically interested in him, but he’s nice. Neither of us really like being out on the town, though, and he lives way up north… so I never want to go see him. It’s not that I don’t want to see him, but over an hour’s drive to get there is just a lot… and I have to go home after since I have the pets, so that racks up to over 2 hours of driving just to hang out for a minute with a guy that barely talks, and his equally introverted hermit roommates. It’s not my bag.

I guess what bugs me is that none of this bugged me till I found out that he was married, and I was once again okay with myself after I found out, until he invited me to the reception. I don’t like feeling insecure, and I dunno why his life has any impact on mine…

I just hate everything, I guess.