Life & The Year Of Content

I made a hard decision, and I ghosted D2.

It’s not an easy thing to decide to cut someone out of your life, but I couldn’t deal with our one-sided friendship. Things were always about him. We were always at his house. We hung out with his friends if we did go out. We talked about HIS illness, HIS treatment, HIS problems. I guess I thought that eventually the newness of his diagnosis would wear off and we could just be people who were friends. It just never happened. His newest relapse and hospital stay proved this. He’s not where I am and he’s not going to be there any time soon. So, for my own mental health, I cut him out.

I feel like this is the part where I’m supposed to say that I miss him, or that things have been harder without him, or something… but just the opposite is true. I’ve been happier, and I’ve even been doing things with other people. It’s like a weight has been lifted, and maybe it has.

I’d mentioned learning to play D&D last entry, and I’m still working on that. It only took me a year to do it… if you ca believe I’ve been thinking of learning since last year. Cat had me, her friend Haley, and my friend Bren over to play my little game. It was only supposed to last a couple of hours, but apparently I overdid my little game, and it went on for six hours and we still aren’t done. I still don’t have all the nuances of the rules down, and I think I’m not making the characters do things exactly right, but we’re having fun. If there’s a question of if someone can do a thing, and I don’t know the technical rule, I just make them roll against me for it. I hope to get better at actual rules later… but I might switch to Pathfinder rules… D&D has really technical rules… maybe Pathfinder is a little easier? (I don’t know… tell me if you know.)

Last week D1 was in town! I saw him for an evening at Heidi’s place. It’s good to see him. He looks great. He’s happy. He’s all around doing good shit with his life and enjoying it. We heard a little more about the Rabbi, which was neat, and I really enjoyed seeing him. Also, Heidi invited me over every Thursday to watch Supernatural. So… unexpected win.

I’ve known Heidi since high school. We were never really FRIENDS, but we were never really NOT FRIENDS either. We just kind of knew each other and never hung out without other people around for social lubricant. That’s weird, because Heidi and I have always been kind of similar. We’re both introverted nerds who like people but often hole up and don’t see anyone because we’re hermity. Being invited over for the new season of Supernatural is really cool, and I like Heidi, so I’m excited to have a weekly thing. Also, it’s not on a Friday or Saturday, so that still leaves weekends open! She also lent me a book, so I gave her one back. I dunno how long this will last, but I’m excited to do a thing with someone.

I also went to my first book club meeting on Monday. My friend Evan has been badgering me to come to his book club, because he is a rather hermity, socially awkward human being, and he goes to socialize and read books he otherwise would not. I don’t really like reading books I otherwise wouldn’t, but they read a book that was already on my reading list, so I read it and showed up. I nearly had a panic attack walking in the door, but I honestly had a good time. I’m gonna read the next book and go again, I think. Would I like it more if all the books were scifi and horror? Yes, but this is a start, and maybe I can find another book club later, or even start one of my own. In general, I’m proud to have done a thing.

This weekend, I’m to hang with Bird, try to finish my costume for Halloween, and be a person. I’m feeling pretty good about myself, and I’m pretty happy. I hate to say that this is because I dropped D2, but it might be. I don’t have someone reminding me I’m crazy, that at any second I could spin out into a manic episode, or spiral into a depression. I’m just a person, living and doing stuff. It’s a nice feeling.

I turn 29 in a couple of weeks. I don’t like my birthday, but it’s how I gauge a year. Nothing happened this year. I started by having a breakdown about how at 28 I wasn’t married, had no kids, and no prospects for starting a family. I’ve done that for three years in a row. I don’t wanna do it this year. I started this year in that state of mind and everything went so horrendously anyways, between the election, and mothership getting pneumonia, and just… it was a bad year for me.

This year, I’m dubbing the YEAR OF CONTENT. It’s a term I’m blatantly stealing from one of my favorite YouTubers, Caitlyn Doughty of Ask a Mortician. She dedicated herself to a certain number of videos a week this year, and she’s kept to it. My year of content will be similar, in that I was to do at least two social things a week. It’s going to be hard… I’m not social… but I think it will be good for me, and maybe I’ll meet some people. I might join a gym. That’s a pretty easy social activity, but I hate the gym and it makes me wanna die… so maybe not. I’d like to be more healthy, but more than that I would just like to be happier. If the gym doesn’t make me happy, it probably isn’t my best choice.

Anyways… I’ll be starting that next week, although I should be able to hit my goal this week, too, since I went to book club Monday and I’m to see Heidi Thursday, and even Bird this weekend… So much social.

For accountability reasons, I’ll also be posting at least once a week to check in on if I did my two social activities… ^_^

And… yeah.

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IT’S BACK… I think?

Morning Time

The hardest part of my life is giving a fuck, especially on a Monday morning.

Part of me is really into the idea of running away from life and living in the woods as a crazy homeless person until I die of exposure or hunger… I mean at least I don’t have to spend time at a job I’ve grown to hate with people I’ve grown to resent. But the bigger part of me wants to care for my dogs and buy books… so here I am.

I mostly cleaned my room yesterday. You’d think that would make me feel accomplished or something, but all I could focus on was everything else I need to get done, everything that needs to be cleaned or purged or packed. Tonight I think I’ll go get some packing supplies and pack up my record player, vinyls, and all my electronics except my PS4. I also need to finish my room, or try anyways. Then I have some stuff to list for sale, and see if I can pull in any money. I’m just going to start packing everything up… it’s a little early for it, but why not. My stuff will either collect dusk being out, or it can collect dust in boxes. At least in boxes they’re ready to move whenever I’m ready for that.

At least if I get everything packed up I can paint the house and fix some things so that I pull some equity out of it when I go to move. Gotta paint everything white… put in some carpet on the stairs…

Afternoon Time

My mood is kind of all over, which is better than crippling depression ALL THE TIME. I seem the most down in the morning and when I get home from work. Mid day I’m a little manic, and late at night I get manic… so I guess I’m back to rapid cycling. At least it means that I get stuff done at work, but I also feel like this is kind of wasted since I work all day.

Like right now, I’d love to go to the gym, and then go home and sort things in the basement, haul some stuff out, box up stuff to keep, etc. I’m not sure I’d do that if I were actually at home, because the basement is where I hide all my emotional stuff, but right now I’m pretty upbeat and would like to do productive things. It’s unfortunate this will probably wear off before I even walk through my front door.

I really like electronica when I’m up. I have this playlist on Spotify that I’ve been defaulting to called Bleeps & Bloops, and it’s just weird cerebral electronica. I’ve also fallen into some dubstep recently, which is a thing I never thought I’d get into. Maybe I should go to a club… I could use a night out. I dunno what clubs play dubstep these days, though… Maybe I could research it. The problem is keeping the mood up into the evening enough to WANT to get there and have a good time, but I can deal with that later.

Maybe I’ll play video games tonight. I’d like to do that. Or maybe read. MAYBE I COULD DRAW. I dunno. I’m making big plans that I prolly won’t be able to keep, since this mood won’t last… Lol. But I dunno. When I’m up, I’m up. I wanna do EVERYTHING… I wish I was always up. Up is a nice place to be.

Anyways… Guess that’s all. OKIES BYE

25 Random Facts About Me

I was at a loss for what to write today… so, like a n00b, I googles some blog prompts…
This is the one I picked. Enjoy. (Just trying to write more consistently…)

  1. I am half Mexican and half…. my mom calls us WT (white trash)
    • I am the palest half-breed Mexican you will ever see in your life… I pretty much glow in the dark
    • White trash is a mix of German, Cuban, Black Foot Native American, and another kind of Native American that I always forget but shouldn’t forget
  2. My favorite Disney villain is Ursula from The Little Mermaid
    • She’s a Cecaelia, and she’s heavy… and if I were a sea witch I’d be both those things, too
  3. I know all the words to several musicals
    • Including but not limited to Little Shop of Horrors, Grease, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Chicago, every Disney movie from before 2000…
  4. My full mental illness diagnosis is “Bipolar I Sociopath with potential Narcissistic traits, no attachment to humans but strong connection to animals, prevalent auditory hallucinations, sporadic visual hallucinations, dissociative states including fugue, impulse control deficiency heightened by anxiety attacks that trigger manic episodes that may include kleptomania, binge drinking, uncontrolled spending, and an increased penchant for dangerous behaviors.
    • Taken directly from my chart
    • Pretty sure half of that is actually just describing the base of BP I & Sociopathy
      • Why do they list it like that?
  5. I love video games, but I’m not actually very good at them
    • It takes me forever to finish a video game, assuming I do at all
      • Like 90% of the video games I own are not finished
      • I also tend to start over sporadically
  6. I am super addicted to caffeine
    • I’ve been known to kill 4 Monsters in a day, then go drink espresso all night, and somewhere in there drink a bunch of Coca Cola and high caffeine black tea
  7. I have four dogs and a cat
    • Keagan – Corgi, Husky, German Shepherd, Chow – 14
    • Kyrie – German Shepherd, Shar Pei, Chow – 9
    • Kira – Queensland Heeler, Hound – 3
    • Bdo – Sad, Inbred Chihuahua – 3
    • Kato – Tortie Cat – 7
  8. I have like 12 aliases that I use when I talk to people
  9. I’ve been single since 2012
    • I had to do math on this… because I didn’t remember… but I didn’t get Kira and Bdo till after the breakup
  10. I am asexual and aromantic
    • And sometimes I feel agender, but not enough to identify that way
  11. If I had my way I’d be androgynous all the time
    • It makes my mom uncomfortable when I dress that way for work, so I don’t do it at work
  12. I work with my mother
  13. I live next door to my mother
  14. In spite of that, I don’t actually see my mom that much outside of carpooling to work with her
  15. I have an aunt without a first name
    • My grandmother on my dad’s side had a name picked out, but her friend had a baby right before she did and stole the name, so my aunt’s birth certificate says “BABY GIRL” with a middle and last name
      • We call her by her middle name, except my grandmother who calls her Baby Girl
  16. I don’t know my blood type
    • I keep meaning to donate blood so I can find out, but I just never get around to it in my free time
  17. I don’t shave regularly
    • Like anything… legs, vag, nothing…
  18. I’ve been to Costa Rica, Spain, France, and the Caribbean
  19. I don’t talk to most of my family
  20. I love horror everything
    • movies, music, comics, novels, everything
  21. I always wanted to anything except white
    • As much as I love being pale, I always wanted to be anything other than white…
  22. It’s taken me all day to write this blog
    • I don’t find myself very interesting, so I didn’t know what to say
  23. If it were possible to achieve the singularity, I’d do it
  24. I would also become immortal if it was possible
  25. I kind of think that I’m the center of the universe, and none of you probably exist