Unsure if I should get a hysterectomy

TL;DR Might not need hysterectomy, but surgeon is willing to do it… unsure if I should.

30F HPV+

So my entire reproductive system has been against me since I was like 12, which is when I started getting paps. I started so early because my periods have always wrecked me. They can lay me up for days, so my doc put me on birth control to regulate my hormones. I guess I have poly-cystic ovaries, plus an enlarged ovary that pumps out too many hormones, and it was ASSUMED I have endometriosis, but my doc didn’t see a reason to actually look because I was a kid. My hormones regulated out on birth control, but the period pain just became something I lived with, as well as failing paps and having to have a colposcopy every year. It was annoying, and it was nerve wracking, but I just got used to it.

This year, with new insurance and a new set of doctors, I failed my pap, got setup for the colpo, and for the first time they cut chunks out for biopsy. It was very painful. I’d never had a colpo be painful before, and I had to go home from work afterwards because it hurt so much. Results showed pre-cancerous cells. While I’m accustomed to having mild dysplasia, this was not mild. It was very concerning. They wanted to do a LEEP. I didn’t know what that meant. I kind of blacked out when it was vaguely explained and I made them schedule me a consult because I wanted to know WHAT IS HAPPENING.

So today was the consult. Very nice doctor, I looked up her credentials. I trust no one. I also took my mom with me, because I didn’t wanna black out in a panic. So the long and short is I have HPV and squamous cells, which are pre-cancer, and I’m gonna have to do the LEEP. That being said, the doctor is willing to do a hysterectomy if I decide I want to. I’ll still have to do paps because of the HPV for the next 20 years. But now I’m unsure if I want the hysterectomy?

If they cut out the pre-cancerous cells with the LEEP, in theory I don’t need a hysterectomy, right? But with my history the doctor is on board with it, which is new. I’ve been asking people to tie my tubes since I was 23 and no one would, but this doc is willing to take it all out. I still have to do the LEEP though, to be sure she can do it laparoscopically (sp?). But now I’m unsure….

Mom and I decided to see what the LEEP reveals…. work from there. The cost is gonna be huge… hate that…. but if we can work it out I… still don’t know.

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Thxgiving, Kids, Cancer, Love, and I

Thanksgiving has come and gone. It was, as usual, pretty uneventful. Mothership and I ate some shrimp, saw Bohemian Rhapsody, and watched Eli Roth’s History of Horror. No, I did nothing with the boyfriend this year. We agreed that next year we’d try to weave each other into our holiday plans. We’ve only been together since August, you know. Three months does not justify holiday chaos. He agreed.

Chris took Addi up to her mom’s, and he spent Thanksgiving with them. People make weird faces when I say that he spent Thanksgiving with his ex, her family, and her boyfriend and his kids, but personally I find it nice that they get along and can spend holidays together for the sake of Addi. They might be exes but if they can stay friends Addi’s family won’t have broken up, it will have just gotten bigger. I wish that for them all.

I took some time off before Thanksgiving and spent some time with Chris and Addi. We took her to Mile High Comics, the big one in bumfuk nowhere, and while it wasn’t ALL pleasant, I think it was productive. You see, I’m still figuring out how to interact with Addi. I’ve seen how other interact with her, and kids her age, and I think it’s dumb. So, when we picked her up from school and she was in a mood… I mocked her whining, which made her cry and pout. Chris was fine with this. We let her cool off and she wanted Waffle House. We weren’t sure how to get to Waffle House on the way to the comic store, and she wanted to throw a fit about it…

Let it be known that I am not a parent. I would never tell someone how to raise a kid, because I don’t know how to raise a kid.

That being said, I was NOT fucking having it, for reasons I’ll get to.
I spun around in the seat and told her to stop. I didn’t yell. I didn’t threaten. I didn’t even tell her that if she didn’t stop that she wouldn’t get what she wanted. I just told her to stop, since we were TRYING TO DO SOMETHING FUN FOR HER, and that if she wanted to make pouty faces she could do it while looking down because I didn’t want to see it.

And you know what? She stopped.

We went to Waffle House and she was fine. We went to the comic shop and she was fine. We went to 2nd & Charles and she was fine. Any time she tried to make that high pitched whining noise I just said, “Hey, we talked about that noise.” She was great the rest of the day, for a 5 year old. It’s like no one had told her to stop before. It was crazy. We didn’t find any comics for her, but at 2nd & Charles I bought her the three Five Nights at Freddy’s novels. My hope was that since she wants someone to read them to her, maybe she’ll want to read.

The next night we went to dinner with Chris’ mom and Addi. I don’t like eating with Addi because the adults in her life have made food “a thing.” As a former (current) person with an eating disorder, I dislike when people make food “a thing.” So we’re at this restaurant and they get an appetizer and they expect her to eat some. They get a salad and they expect her to eat some. Then her food comes, and she’s five, and she’s not hungry because she had appetizer and salad. Your stomach is the size of your fist… she’s five: she’s got a small fist. You can’t expect her to eat a ton. Not all kids do. So, she’s fidgety and she drops her drink, and Chris wants to get mad, and I just couldn’t help it… I told him to calm down. He did. There was no scene, no reprimands, and no tears.

So they were trying to get her to eat, but then they went to get desserts. While they were gone I talked to Addi. I asked if she knew how to twirl her spaghetti. She was excited to show me, especially when I attempted to do it with penne (which you can’t, obvi). Then I was like, wow, that’s so much food…. you can’t really fit that in your mouth can you? Of course she could, and she was excited to show me that, too. She was bored! It was obvious. I get the feeling she doesn’t get treated like a part of the group very often… I’m going to work on that with her.

When we got back to their place Addi was excited to show me her room and how clean it was. Then she was excited for me to read Five Nights at Freddy’s to her. It was adorable. I had a coughing fit and Chris had to take over. Aside from that Addi asked when she can meet my monsters (dogs) and I told her it depended. She would have to prove to me that she won’t make that high pitched whining noise, because Kira hasn’t been around kids and I dunno what she’ll do with that. I don’t want Addi to get hurt. She said she’d work on not doing that.

I call the weekend a win, overall. I don’t think I interact with kids the way other people interact with kids, though. I kind of just treat them like adults… but also account for age. She’s 5, she’s not an idiot. She has thoughts and opinions and social needs. She can be reasoned with and explained to if you take the time. I’m working on showing Chris how I would interact with his kid. A, I want him to know in case I need to babysit, but 2, my big thing is not to make stuff “things.” We got pizza one night and she wanted to throw a fit over mushrooms… I literally snapped my fingers at her and went, “Hey… just pick them off. Pick your battles, kid.” And she did and things were fine. I’m no expert on kids, but I do think that the less “things” in kids’ lives, the more adjusted they’ll grow up to be.

The reason I finally snapped at Addi, by the way, is because just a little while before we picked her up from school, I got a phone call informing me that my cervical biopsy revealed per-cancerous cells. They wanted to do a LEEP procedure, which entails essentially carving out the part of my cervix that has the cells. It sounds painful because it will be. I lost it. I started crying at this woman on the phone about how my reproductive system has been trying to kill me since I was 12, and how I refuse to have to do this every single year for the rest of my life when the cervical biopsy hurt so much already, and the dysphoria about the whole thing…

I got lucky the woman I was talking to was someone who had a hysterectomy already. She was very kind. She ran off to NP Slaughter and consulted with her, and NP Slaughter, refreshed on my history, decided I should have a consult with a doctor. We postponed the LEEP procedure until after my consult with a doctor, who will discuss all my options, including a preventative hysterectomy. I will probably still have to have a LEEP, to see what’s in my uterus and determine how best to remove it, just in case it’s something that could break up and spread to the inside of my abdomen. I’m not thrilled.

I spent a lot of time on the phone with my mom crying about it all, and trying to deal with how scared and anxious I am over it…. but the consult is in late December, so I chose to put off worrying until then. I just pushed it down into a little ball that will probably give me cancer… hopefully not new cancer, though. Let’s stick to organs I can remove.

I thought I pushed it down, anyways. I put it out of my mind as much as I can. Aside from snapping back at Addi, though… I’ve had… symptoms of stress. My lips are raw meat from chewing on them. My picking habit is out of control. I’m binging or not eating at all. Little things can get under my skin and throw me into a completely inappropriate rage. I pushed it down, but the anxiety isn’t gone. I probably think about it several times a day… and just try not to acknowledge it. So today I bit the metaphorical bullet and scheduled a talk therapy session.

It’s so hard to pry apart what’s being caused by new medications and what’s just a response to stress… I thought if I could get in with someone now, I could be sure to have an appointment lined up after my consult… cuz no matter what, that’s gonna be a bad time. So… working on that self care, I guess.

Chris has been really great about this whole cervical cancer thing, too. He doesn’t “get it” but he’s there if I need him. That’s really all you can ask for.

In unrelated, happier news, I played matchmaker and found someone a match. A month ago I hooked up Chris’ friend Rob with my friend Amber. I dunno Amber well, but she’s awkward and best friends with Robot Boy, so I guessed she might like Rob. Holy hell was I correct. They are attached to each other like crazy glue. She started by spending four days there, only coming up for air when she had to go to work. She did Thanksgiving with his family. They’re thinking about moving her in. I mean, I thought Chris and I moved fast, but damn. Still, I’m happy for them and I’m happy that I brought them together.

Their speed kind of made me question where Chris and I are… but it’s two very different scenarios. Chris and I are happy. Rob and Amber are happy. They don’t have to be the same happiness to be happiness. Chris and I have things to consider that Rob and Amber don’t. Kids, finances, wives… but we’re fine where we are. Conversely, I always think Bird and her man should be “farther along” since they’ve dated on and off for like 10 years, but they’re not. And they’re happy. So… why argue with that?

Speaking of Bird, this past weekend we went to a concert for Spiral Cell and Nordic Daughter, followed by playing Mario Party at my house. It was a blast! I lost so hard… but it was so much fun. The next night I made Chris dinner and we watched comedy specials. It was really nice. I loved our weekend. I love us. I love being happy. I do not love that he takes his steak medium, though… I’m a rare girl, and I’ve never cooked a medium steak… so I totally ended up with well done… but the potatoes and asparagus were good. Lol.

Anyways. That’s all for me. And really… that’s enough.

My Cervix Hurts

I had to go get a pap smear today. I haven’t had one since 2015. Why? Because I fail them. I’ve been getting them since I was 12 and I’ve failed all but 1. It gets annoying. It gets frustrating and depressing… so I just stopped. But, you can’t dodge that forever, especially when your family runs RAMPANT with cancer.

So I went, and it was a surreal kind of experience.

When I previous went to my doctor, several things were standard at the well woman physical. The nurse would try to pry information on my entire sexual history out of me. (Which I still don’t get. Who I was fucking before my 2.5 year celibacy break does NOT effect my current sexual health.) I’d take a pregnancy test. My birth control would be held hostage until I came in for the pap smear. My doctor would remind me that this was all for my well being.

A Kaiser well woman is a lot…. less. Just less. I went in. They took vitals, as usual, and then we did a quick breast exam and a pelvic exam, followed by a Gardasil shot. THAT’S IT. Now… I don’t say a lot of good things about Kaiser, because I hate them and I’d like to set their corporation on fire from the inside out, but this was great. No interrogation. No suspicion of pregnancy. In and out. Easy peasy.

But… as always… my cervix hurts and I’m probably going to fail the pap… so that’s no good, but whatever.

Chris was a real sweetheart about this, cuz I was complaining and then had a panic attack in the doctor’s office… and he was his usual suspiciously supportive self. He assured me that if anything was wrong “WE” would get through it and get it fixed, and then he told me about his Magic Tournament this weekend to distract me. He’s great. I love how great he is. I love him. It’s gross.


In other news.

Someone asked me to describe what living with mental illness is like. Here’s my metaphor.

It’s like… you’re the paste eating kid in grade school.

Everyone knows something is up with you, but can’t always figure out what it is until an incident. Then they know, and they treat you different for it. Sometimes it’s mockery, sometimes it’s avoidance, sometimes it’s lectures and repercussions, sometimes it’s someone telling you to just stop… but even if you get better and you move on with life, there will always be the people who know what happened, and they’ll tell other people, and you’re the kid that ate paste for the rest of your life…

The longer you go without eating paste, the more you can laugh at it, the less other people will know, and the less people who know will talk about it. But you always know you’re the kid that ate paste… and you always live with that shame, even though it wasn’t something you meant to do.

If you don’t get better… you’re always the weirdo that eats paste, no matter what else you do. You could cure cancer, and you’ll still be remembered for paste… it’s always going to be a footnote in a textbook about you… “They cured cancer! But also they ate paste… so… think about that.”

Secret Vacation

So. I got some vacation time this week.

I was talking to Bosslady about how I was going to lose my vacation this year. You see, at my place of work if you don’t USE the vacation, you LOSE it, because the company doesn’t pay it out. So, I was telling Bosslady how I lost my vacation and she was like NO YOU DID NOT!!! TAKE THE VACATION! NOW!

So, I was on vacation this week. I didn’t tell anyone, because… they might wanna do stuff… and I had things I wanted to get done.

I cleaned mom’s house Monday. I didn’t CLEAN IT clean it, but I vacuumed like four times for dog hair, cleaned the bathrooms, and mowed the lawn.
Tuesday I had problems doing things… Kinda wore myself out Monday, I guess. Still, I managed to mow my front and backyard.
Wednesday I went to Lowes for some garden stuff, including some Lois flowers. They’re called Lantana, and my grandma, Lois, grew them in giant bushes in Florida.

Wednesday evening I called to be sure Mothership had left work and she was NOT good. She was dizzy and nauseous, so I went and got her from work. When we got home she threw up… and I panicked. It was too much like that day I had to take her to Urgent Care… I don’t know if I can survive her in the hospital again. Fortunately, I set her up in bed and she woke up much better. That meant that I had to take her back to work Thursday, though.

So this morning I took her to work. It was a pleasant enough ride. Afterward, since I had a blood pressure check on that side of town at 1030 anyways, I went to Village Inn for breakfast. It wasn’t my best idea to eat before a blood pressure check. The omelet upset my stomach, which I think raised my blood pressure some; also: salt content. So I went in for the check and it was 138/90. That’s good, but it’s not quite where they wanted it to be. As a result, my doctor increased my Procardia. Doubled it, actually.

Here is the baffling thing about this experience.

My shrink reduced my Effexor because she thought it was raising my blood pressure. Last week, after I saw Joe and had better blood pressure, I got her to agree to increase it again and let me keep the Wellbutrin. That was major. Because it’s not as low as they wanted it, my Effexor might be in danger again.

I can’t go back to how I was before the Effexor. I woke every morning wishing I hadn’t. It’s no way to live. While I’m not 100% great right now, I’m better. That little bit of better is so important to me. I’ll do anything to keep the Effexor. That’s an important determination to make, because the Procardia is causing some tiredness and joint pain… and this flushing thing where I’m just super hecking hot a lot of the time. Procardia is not pleasant when you tend to get every single side effect known to occur… but I can’t go back. I need the Effexor because I like wanting to live.

Admittedly, the tiredness and joint pain is hindering my former burst of energy that I got with the Effexor, but I’m still better on the Effexor than off of it.

We’ll just have to see how this plays out. Tomorrow I wanna do more yard work, and I’m getting the dogs groomed. It would be great to have a nice backyard to read in…

Purple Spots

Kaiser is so fucking weird. Last time I wanted to see a shrink it took THREE MONTHS before I could get in… and I was really worried I wasn’t gonna make it that long. Today I called to get in and they’re like, “we could get you in with the shrink you saw last time early next week, but if you wanna see a new shrink we can get you in first week of April.” Really? Just two weeks? And it’s only that long because I didn’t want to see the same shrink I saw last time (as she is dead to me after her blatant disregard of my disdain for sedative medication).

Anyways… I get to see a new shrink! So… that’s fine. I mean, life’s been bad, and getting worse, but I’m having a weirdly good day for someone who didn’t sleep last night. I tried really hard, but yesterday was super hella blue.

Let’s backup.

Monday.
I made it into work, but on the way home I was just… defeated as fuck. We’re still down a biller, I’m training three new people, and the title gal went on vacation this week because she’s moving. I cried all the way home, and my mom encouraged me to go to my book club even though I was super blue. So, I bought some cigarettes, chain-smoked the whole way there, and actually had a really good time. I really enjoyed the book this month: Annihilation. It was really Lovecraftian, and I flew through it. I started book two when I got home from book club, and it’s really different, but I think I’ll finish the series anyways.

Tuesday.
For the first time in my life I found getting out of bed almost impossible. I’ve had low days, but Tuesday is one of the lowest days I’ve had since all this mood swinging like a wrecking ball started in eighth grade. I managed to get out of bed, and even shower, but then I couldn’t imagine leaving the house. It was 100% outside of the realm of things I was physically capable of doing. So, I called bosslady and told her I had a cough and issues breathing, and asked if I could work from home. I wasn’t opposed to working, but I just… couldn’t leave the house. I actually got a lot done from home, and it was fortunate I’d brought stuff home anyways. #YayRemoteAccess

Wednesday.
Hump Day was hard. I woke up, and I was determined to get into work, but I ended up about an hour late. I informed bosslady, obviously, and she knows I’m having problems, so she said that was fine, and that I could leave early. I did not leave early. I had some kind of mixed episode where I was pretty much hysterical but channeled it into trying to do EVERYTHING at once… and it literally startled bosslady. She tried to get me to go home at four, and I ended up staying a full eight hours “because there’s too much to get done.” But like… I was breaking…

So I went home. Mom had me try on some clothes she got me for Easter, to be sure they were the right size. I went home and refused to eat dinner… meditated on the idea that maybe I just wouldn’t eat again… and how last time I lost a lot of weight in a short period of time no one was concerned, because when you’re a fat girl that stops eating, or exercises herself to death, or binges and purges, people think the weight loss is great and no one asks how you lose 30 lbs in a few weeks. With my head spinning and my stomach feeling familiarly vacuous, I couldn’t focus on TV, so I played a few rounds of Star Realms before heading to bed with a book. Figured I’d wind down for an hour and be asleep by ten.

I was not asleep by ten. I was very awake. I put on white noise and laid in the dark for an hour. When the white noise shut off, I was still awake. So I turned on all the lights, got up, did a few things, turned on a fan and the humidifier, and then laid back down with some soft lo-fi hip hop to relax to. An hour later I was still awake and I had this pop song called RIIICH stuck in my head. It was annoying.

I tried thinking STOP STOP STOP or SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP, I counted sheep, I tried sleeping on the floor, I tried sleeping sitting up, I tried meditation, I took a 30 mg temazepam, I opened the window, I turned everything off… I got up and went downstairs, and in the dark biked on the hardest setting until my legs ached in an attempt to wear myself out. I was still awake… and all I wanted to do was sleep… and it broke me.

I’m not new to self harm or various creative ways to do it, but this was the first time I got so angry that I pretty much beat myself into submission. I slapped myself in the face, hit myself upside the head, punched and smacked my thighs till they burned, screamed, cried, and when it was all said and done I took to this weird game I’d played as a kid. I don’t remember why, but when we were kids there was some game where the punishment was someone hitting you with two or three fingers on your wrist or forearm. Every time my brain tried to think, after I laid back down, I’d hit myself on the arm. By the time I had calmed down, my arm ached like I’d slammed it in a door. This morning I woke up and thought it would be all kinds of colors, cuz it still hurt. Fortunately for me, it was just splotched purple. Still hurts like a bitch, though. There’s a definite swollen spot, but it’s not noticeable to anyone except me.

I never did sleep, I don’t think. I just managed a general nothingness till the alarm went off this morning. The dogs were concerned, but they are regrettably used to this kind of behavioral outburst. I hate that they’re used to it…

Thursday.
For someone that went totally batshit crazy and didn’t sleep, I’ve had a weirdly good day. I put on a nice purple sweater and cute boots. I’ve been very pleasant at work. I had a breakfast burrito and then meatloaf for lunch, in case you’re worried I didn’t eat today. I’m planning on Schlotsky’s for dinner, and I’d really like to maybe finish one of my books I’m reading tonight, but also get in some Star Realms time. I bought a ticket to a concert for tomorrow night, too.

Am I manic? I dunno. I’m terribly unfocused, but I’m not hyper, optimistic, or particularly chatty. I’ve just been enjoying my new playlist (and I took RIIICH off all but one playlist) and having a moderately pleasant day. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fine a little bit of happiness in every time my arm taps something and I get a small shock of new pain amidst the constant ache. I’m sure that’s some secret to my good mood… some messed up bipolar thing.

I’m not even tired… I’m just disinterested in work today. It’s super weird, and all of this isn’t LOST on me. I can only hope that I sleep tonight and the mood continues.

Anyways….

I’m gonna go see this pdoc and see what she says in a couple weeks. I don’t wanna take anymore antipsychotics, though… and I have always said I didn’t want to take Lithium… so I don’t know what they might give me. I’m willing to negotiate, but I really want a shrink to listen to me. There are side effects I can’t tolerate (like falling asleep at work), and I need to be respected when it comes to that.

So. We’ll see.

Left Only to My Own Devices

Well, the Geodon my shrink prescribed knocked me out and caused violent tremors in my hands. The Abilify before that gave me wicked hot flashes, which don’t sound terrible until you have them. So, I decided, since neither the Abilify nor the Geodon worked for me, to give up the medication hunt.

I just don’t have time for the adjustment periods. I don’t think that shrinks really comprehend that SOME people that see them are NOT on disability and have to go to work. I complain about side effects and I just get told to wait them out for a month or two? My falling asleep at my desk, having violent tremors, and melting on a daily basis is unacceptable for a workplace. I can’t take something that will cause me to lose my job.

At least unmedicated I know I’ll get out of bed and go to work. It’s routine. I can stick to a routine. I know lots of people can’t when they’re in a very deep depression, but it’s a skill that I learned from my mom: how to do the minimum.

You get up, you look presentable, you go to work, and when you get home you can fall apart, so long as when the alarm goes off you get up again.

That’s what I watched through my childhood. It’s not so terrible an existence if you can pop in some diversity: a forced social interaction with friends here, a reluctant date there. The hard part is those little bits of diversity, because you don’t WANT to do them, but if you don’t it gets real monotonous and further depressing. Fortunately, I’m pretty good at annoying myself with the company of others, which I fully enjoy but not until I actually get there.

My shrink was disappointed. That’s okay, because I was disappointed in my shrink. I explicitly told her that I wanted to treat JUST my depression and that it had to work with my job and NOT be sedative. We discussed this upfront, and the things she gave me had terrible debilitating side effects and sedation! It’s not right for a shrink not to listen to my wants….

Geodon treats MANIA not DEPRESSION. A quick google search turned that up. I was going to overlook it, because maybe the cost of stifling my depression is a little bit less mania, but then I fell asleep at my desk at work and the tremors started. So I took the weekend to get back off the Geodon… and decided I’m better on my own.

I dunno that things will get any better, but at least I’m awake and in control of my body movements.

In other news, much to my dismay the guy from Friday night has texted me a few times since the event. I definitely thought that the disappointment would be on both ends, but apparently not. I’m trying to be distant without hurting his feelings. I just don’t know how to kindly tell someone you don’t wanna see them because the sex was bad… Seems like a thing you don’t say… You bottle it up and push it down with all your other feelings, adding to that tight little ball in your chest that will someday become cancer.

I could lie. I have considered lying… telling him some elaborate excuse to not see him involving my bipolar and shit… but I feel like he wouldn’t care if I were a crazy person… which makes it worse. I really wish this guy had some bad quality besides being lousy in the sack… It’s a shitty thing to shun someone for, but OUR GENITALS DON’T LINE UP… so it’s not really something we can work on or something I care to overlook. I refuse to fuck missionary position the rest of my life… or any part of it if I can help it.

I’m just conflicted about how to proceed. He’s a really nice guy and if we could fuck better I’d be down… but Darwinism has spoken, and we can’t… so what the fuck do I do? I could try to friend zone him, but honestly I find that worse than telling him he’s bad in the sack.

I dunno. I’ll meditate on it more. I just feel like he deserves something more than me being weird and eventually not speaking to him, but at the same time I have no idea what else to do…

Suggestions welcome.

I went with the crazy meds fucking me up. He was nice about it. I hate that he was nice about it.

I FUCKING HATE KAISER

Haven’t checked in since May 29th… Lemme tell you why.

After getting back from Oregon, I started making a lot of plans… all of which I still have, but don’t seem to be able to execute quickly. It has sucked. I feel real discouraged about it. I have been REAL depressed about it. I genuinely don’t even know how I’m supposed to accomplish anything.

On top of general demotivation and depression, Mothership has MFing Pneumonia!

Let’s recap.
In March, Mothership got sick. It went on for a while, and then she saw a very Kaiser doc (NP I think) who gave her some lil Z pack thing. It never went away and escalated to bronchitis. Pretty typical for Mothership. A very nice doc at an Urgent Care gave her some big antibiotics. It still never went away. She saw a very professional Nurse Practitioner, who had her get a chest xray, decided it was early-onset community obtained pneumonia (not to be confused with hospital obtained pneumonia) and gave her two shots in the butt of antibiotic and a course of Prednisone and Levaquin (which is an antibiotic they use for pneumonia and anthrax). After she stopped taking that, she spiraled down into terribleness. So we went back and saw a really abrupt, terrible at explaining anything, shitty bedside Mannering Kaiser MD name Deja Vandeloo, who gave her another course of the Levaquin. I mention her name, because she was rude to my mother, who is TERRIFIED because her brother DIED of pneumonia, which I fucking told that doctor, who did not give a shit. She was rude, short, didn’t care, and didn’t explain herself well. She essentially told us NOT to come back. Lemme be clear: We weren’t asking for more meds, we were concerned that my mother was spiraling after taking very LARGE meds, and her brother DIED of pneumonia, so it’s not something to play with. If this was normal for pneumonia recovery, she should have just FUCKING SAID SO, but she deemed it necessary to give out more meds, and thankfully they seem to have worked, but FUCK MAN. I DIDN’T GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL. I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT RECOVERY FROM PNEUMONIA LOOKS LIKE. Fucking explain yourself.

Also, she said that she would NOT have done the stuff that the previous NP did, which I thought was unprofessional as fuck, and rude, not just to the NP, but to the patient who is sitting there going, “AM I GOING TO DIE BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE ARE INCOMPETENT???” Also, getting an appointment with any of these people was fucking insane, because Kaiser does not have enough doctors to treat their patient base.

I fucking hate Kaiser.

RELATED:
A person I know recently had to have emergency surgery with Kaiser. They were sent home sans antibiotic, which I, someone who has had multiple surgeries, found immediately odd. The next day the were spiraling down, and Kaiser, UNABLE TO SEE THEM FOR ANY KIND OF APPOINTMENT told them to TAKE PICTURES OF THE SURGICAL SIGHT AND EMAIL THEM TO A DOCTOR. So, upon viewing them, they rushed this person BACK into the hospital where they opened them again to clean out the infection. I’m assuming sepsis. Fortunately, they’re keeping this person for observation and more cleaning out of the surgical sight, but I do not trust them at all.

KAISER DOES NOT CARE IF YOU DIE, AND HONESTLY THEY ACT LIKE THAT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER FOR EVERYONE.

I got sick Sunday night. Very sick. Monday morning I would have rather died than come to work… but we’re short and I’m a team player. Still got body aches and sinus probs and shit, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to go to Kaiser doc to treat it. Fuck that noise. I’d literally rather buy drugs off the street than try to see a Kaiser doctor for anything. If only I knew someone peddling basic prescriptions.

To add to my misery, I woke up this morning with a swollen eye. Not sure what that’s about… waiting to see if it clears up or gets worse… Least I know I can see an eye doctor that isn’t Kaiser…

I see a Kaiser shrink on July 10th.
I don’t even want to go. I made the appointment in MARCH and that was the SOONEST they could get me in. I’d cancel, but it’s so fucking hard to get an appointment, and I might spiral into suicide at any minute, that I figure I’ll just fucking go.

Everything is awful.
I hope every single Kaiser building in the nation catches fire at the same time and the whole company is bankrupted by the damages and forced out of existence by an act of god/nature. Because fuck Kaiser. Fuck Kaiser with every fucking fiber of my being.

And fuck my corporation for thinking Kaiser was EVER a good idea. You know the people at the corporate offices aren’t dealing with this shit. Fuck them.