Left Only to My Own Devices

Well, the Geodon my shrink prescribed knocked me out and caused violent tremors in my hands. The Abilify before that gave me wicked hot flashes, which don’t sound terrible until you have them. So, I decided, since neither the Abilify nor the Geodon worked for me, to give up the medication hunt.

I just don’t have time for the adjustment periods. I don’t think that shrinks really comprehend that SOME people that see them are NOT on disability and have to go to work. I complain about side effects and I just get told to wait them out for a month or two? My falling asleep at my desk, having violent tremors, and melting on a daily basis is unacceptable for a workplace. I can’t take something that will cause me to lose my job.

At least unmedicated I know I’ll get out of bed and go to work. It’s routine. I can stick to a routine. I know lots of people can’t when they’re in a very deep depression, but it’s a skill that I learned from my mom: how to do the minimum.

You get up, you look presentable, you go to work, and when you get home you can fall apart, so long as when the alarm goes off you get up again.

That’s what I watched through my childhood. It’s not so terrible an existence if you can pop in some diversity: a forced social interaction with friends here, a reluctant date there. The hard part is those little bits of diversity, because you don’t WANT to do them, but if you don’t it gets real monotonous and further depressing. Fortunately, I’m pretty good at annoying myself with the company of others, which I fully enjoy but not until I actually get there.

My shrink was disappointed. That’s okay, because I was disappointed in my shrink. I explicitly told her that I wanted to treat JUST my depression and that it had to work with my job and NOT be sedative. We discussed this upfront, and the things she gave me had terrible debilitating side effects and sedation! It’s not right for a shrink not to listen to my wants….

Geodon treats MANIA not DEPRESSION. A quick google search turned that up. I was going to overlook it, because maybe the cost of stifling my depression is a little bit less mania, but then I fell asleep at my desk at work and the tremors started. So I took the weekend to get back off the Geodon… and decided I’m better on my own.

I dunno that things will get any better, but at least I’m awake and in control of my body movements.

In other news, much to my dismay the guy from Friday night has texted me a few times since the event. I definitely thought that the disappointment would be on both ends, but apparently not. I’m trying to be distant without hurting his feelings. I just don’t know how to kindly tell someone you don’t wanna see them because the sex was bad… Seems like a thing you don’t say… You bottle it up and push it down with all your other feelings, adding to that tight little ball in your chest that will someday become cancer.

I could lie. I have considered lying… telling him some elaborate excuse to not see him involving my bipolar and shit… but I feel like he wouldn’t care if I were a crazy person… which makes it worse. I really wish this guy had some bad quality besides being lousy in the sack… It’s a shitty thing to shun someone for, but OUR GENITALS DON’T LINE UP… so it’s not really something we can work on or something I care to overlook. I refuse to fuck missionary position the rest of my life… or any part of it if I can help it.

I’m just conflicted about how to proceed. He’s a really nice guy and if we could fuck better I’d be down… but Darwinism has spoken, and we can’t… so what the fuck do I do? I could try to friend zone him, but honestly I find that worse than telling him he’s bad in the sack.

I dunno. I’ll meditate on it more. I just feel like he deserves something more than me being weird and eventually not speaking to him, but at the same time I have no idea what else to do…

Suggestions welcome.

I went with the crazy meds fucking me up. He was nice about it. I hate that he was nice about it.

I FUCKING HATE KAISER

Haven’t checked in since May 29th… Lemme tell you why.

After getting back from Oregon, I started making a lot of plans… all of which I still have, but don’t seem to be able to execute quickly. It has sucked. I feel real discouraged about it. I have been REAL depressed about it. I genuinely don’t even know how I’m supposed to accomplish anything.

On top of general demotivation and depression, Mothership has MFing Pneumonia!

Let’s recap.
In March, Mothership got sick. It went on for a while, and then she saw a very Kaiser doc (NP I think) who gave her some lil Z pack thing. It never went away and escalated to bronchitis. Pretty typical for Mothership. A very nice doc at an Urgent Care gave her some big antibiotics. It still never went away. She saw a very professional Nurse Practitioner, who had her get a chest xray, decided it was early-onset community obtained pneumonia (not to be confused with hospital obtained pneumonia) and gave her two shots in the butt of antibiotic and a course of Prednisone and Levaquin (which is an antibiotic they use for pneumonia and anthrax). After she stopped taking that, she spiraled down into terribleness. So we went back and saw a really abrupt, terrible at explaining anything, shitty bedside Mannering Kaiser MD name Deja Vandeloo, who gave her another course of the Levaquin. I mention her name, because she was rude to my mother, who is TERRIFIED because her brother DIED of pneumonia, which I fucking told that doctor, who did not give a shit. She was rude, short, didn’t care, and didn’t explain herself well. She essentially told us NOT to come back. Lemme be clear: We weren’t asking for more meds, we were concerned that my mother was spiraling after taking very LARGE meds, and her brother DIED of pneumonia, so it’s not something to play with. If this was normal for pneumonia recovery, she should have just FUCKING SAID SO, but she deemed it necessary to give out more meds, and thankfully they seem to have worked, but FUCK MAN. I DIDN’T GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL. I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT RECOVERY FROM PNEUMONIA LOOKS LIKE. Fucking explain yourself.

Also, she said that she would NOT have done the stuff that the previous NP did, which I thought was unprofessional as fuck, and rude, not just to the NP, but to the patient who is sitting there going, “AM I GOING TO DIE BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE ARE INCOMPETENT???” Also, getting an appointment with any of these people was fucking insane, because Kaiser does not have enough doctors to treat their patient base.

I fucking hate Kaiser.

RELATED:
A person I know recently had to have emergency surgery with Kaiser. They were sent home sans antibiotic, which I, someone who has had multiple surgeries, found immediately odd. The next day the were spiraling down, and Kaiser, UNABLE TO SEE THEM FOR ANY KIND OF APPOINTMENT told them to TAKE PICTURES OF THE SURGICAL SIGHT AND EMAIL THEM TO A DOCTOR. So, upon viewing them, they rushed this person BACK into the hospital where they opened them again to clean out the infection. I’m assuming sepsis. Fortunately, they’re keeping this person for observation and more cleaning out of the surgical sight, but I do not trust them at all.

KAISER DOES NOT CARE IF YOU DIE, AND HONESTLY THEY ACT LIKE THAT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER FOR EVERYONE.

I got sick Sunday night. Very sick. Monday morning I would have rather died than come to work… but we’re short and I’m a team player. Still got body aches and sinus probs and shit, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to go to Kaiser doc to treat it. Fuck that noise. I’d literally rather buy drugs off the street than try to see a Kaiser doctor for anything. If only I knew someone peddling basic prescriptions.

To add to my misery, I woke up this morning with a swollen eye. Not sure what that’s about… waiting to see if it clears up or gets worse… Least I know I can see an eye doctor that isn’t Kaiser…

I see a Kaiser shrink on July 10th.
I don’t even want to go. I made the appointment in MARCH and that was the SOONEST they could get me in. I’d cancel, but it’s so fucking hard to get an appointment, and I might spiral into suicide at any minute, that I figure I’ll just fucking go.

Everything is awful.
I hope every single Kaiser building in the nation catches fire at the same time and the whole company is bankrupted by the damages and forced out of existence by an act of god/nature. Because fuck Kaiser. Fuck Kaiser with every fucking fiber of my being.

And fuck my corporation for thinking Kaiser was EVER a good idea. You know the people at the corporate offices aren’t dealing with this shit. Fuck them.

Twilight Sleep: The Horrifying Truth About Your Drugged Up, Crazy Preggers Grandma

Today I solved a great family mystery.

It’s been widely discussed in my family, that my grandmother had no recollection of giving birth to any of her three kids. She couldn’t explain it… as far as she knew they just put her to sleep and she woke up with a baby.

My mother, who was very much conscious for my birth, didn’t buy that bullshit.

So, it was often postulated that either the great and mighty Lois was lying, or that there was, indeed, some way that women in the 50s and 60s gave birth without being at all conscious for it. While Lois was not known for being uncannily honest, I figured this wouldn’t really be a thing she lied about… Would she find and open her Christmas presents well before Christmas, and then seal them up like nothing happened? Absolutely. Would she steal her daughter’s dolls to practice hair cutting and then lie about it? You’re damn right. Did she spend my life from age 4 up telling me that she was a robot alien sent here to take me away from my mother, just because she thought the unsure fear in my eyes was hilarious? Yeah… and that’s probably a reason that I’m hella fucked up. Still, lying about remembering the birth of her children just felt a little out of place for her. It was not her typical MO.

I always wondered what miracle of science had been lost to the pages of history, where a woman would give birth under sedation and just wake up with a baby. That sounds WAY better than the shit they do now, dontcha think? No screaming, and you don’t even know if you shit on a table in front of a group of people you’ve never met before. It just sounded like a thing that we should be doing now, since it worked then. Granted, I was sure that the practice was done away with for a reason, but like… WHAT could be worse than childbirth pain?

Childbirth pain hurts so much that women gladly let doctors (anesthesiologists) jam needles into their spine (epidurals, which are safe procedures). I don’t have exact statistics on the chances a spinal tap (it’s not a spinal tap) like that will leave you paralyzed (it’s pretty negligible, tbh) but that is scary shit! Wouldn’t things just be better if the woman were unconscious? I mean a woman in a coma can still give birth to a child, so consciousness isn’t really necessary, is it? (Coma patients CAN give birth under perfect circumstances, but it’s not safe, recommended, or well studied.)

I recently started listening to a podcast called Sawbones: A Marital Tour of Misguided Medicine. It’s good. They talk about old medicine and how fucked up it was. It’s also child friendly, in the sense they don’t curse… unlike this blog, where I say fuck a lot. Anyways, in 2014 they were expecting a kid, so they did a series of childbirth related podcasts. On the actual BIRTH episode, they talked about different ways that men had fucked up the long-standing tradition of men having nothing to do with childbirth, and all the stupid shit they did to “improve” childbirth. (There were good things that came from educated doctor men getting involved in childbirth, but like… this show is about how medicine fucked shit up, not how it helped people… except the vaccine episode, which is great, but also addresses the fact that the dude that developed the smallpox vaccine did some underhanded shit to poor people….)

ANYWAYS, (so much derailing and side-barring) I was listening to the childbirth episode and they got to the point in history where Twilight Sleep became a thing.

Twilight Sleep
In 1903, this guy named Carl Gauss thought, “Hey… why don’t we drug these women giving birth?” Yeah. Great idea, buddy. So, he mixed morphine (obviously a great painkiller) with scopolamine (which has been known to cause hallucinations, confusion, memory loss, agitation, seizures, and all kinds of potentially fatal things for mom and baby, since it can cross the placenta barrier). Gauss thought it up, and people just went with it.

This meant that women would go to the hospital, essentially remember going to sleep, and remember nothing else, but would wake up with a baby. Unbeknownst to the mothers, they would have been strapped down to hospital beds and out of their god damn mind. They’d be violent and unpredictable. I’d scream and cry and see shit errywurr… And then they’d give birth, recover, and remember NOTHING.

You’d think that something from 1903 would have died out pretty quick, but this actually PEAKED in the 50s, which is when my darling grandmother had her kids. So, her lack of memory pretty much points to this being the method she had her kids with, and it didn’t really fade out till like the 70s…Which is a LONG TIME to have crazed women shooting out infants.

Unless you’d previously had a kid, you didn’t know what happened in the delivery room, and even then you didn’t remember shit. Dudes didn’t know what was up, because they weren’t allowed in the delivery rooms. So it just had a tendency to go on. Finally, in the 70s it faded out of style, since people kind of wanted to be more involved with their kids. There’s a real statistical indicator that the mothers that gave birth this way had a cognitive dissonance toward their kids, because there is no birth experience, and that’s probably why things like lamaze became popular. You’re awake and dealing… and supposedly that will make you a better mother.

Anyways. That’s what I learned today, and that solves the mystery of why my grandmother didn’t know anything abut childbirth.

I’ve Been Sick

So last week, out of seemingly nowhere, I got sick.

I know that my Service Manager was sick, and that he came up and talked to me briefly, but I’m not sure that’s where I got it. It took me out fast and hard. I was a little cough-ish on Wednesday afternoon, and it totally took me out Thursday. I couldn’t get out of bed. I’d been up all night not being able to breathe, coughing, hacking, gagging. It was gross. My head was filled with clear goo that seemed to want to suffocate me. It was awful.

  • So I staid home Thursday, and mostly slept.
  • Friday I dragged ass into work. I only managed like six and a half hours…
  • Saturday I dragged ass into work. Pulled a good 5 out of it.

I know what you’re thinking. If I felt so bad, why did I go to work?
Because it’s month-end in the car industry, and we have 3 business days to do a 5 day book close… I didn’t really have an option. My mom-boss DID ask if I wanted to stay home Saturday, but I needed the hours and I had many things to do. So, that’s just how it turned out.

On Friday I DID go to the doctor. I wasn’t going to, but I totally just wanted to curl up and die, so I got in with a Nurse Practitioner in the afternoon. She didn’t do a lot. Poked around a bit, ignored most of what I was saying about being hopped up on pre-meth (sudafed) and that I felt it trying to drop into my chest (the reason for my concern), and got me a script for an antibiotic. She said it was the start of a sinus infection.

Now… I dunno about you, but I get nervous when you can so easily get antibiotics. I did not ask for them. I did not go in intending to get them. I wanted to know what was wrong with me and if there was a potential treatment. I am aware that you can’t really treat a virus the way you can bacteria. (I paid attention in science class…) So when she gave me the script I was like… okay… But then I started thinking about it.

She was not a doctor. She is a Nurse Practitioner. She couldn’t dole out the script herself…
What is the difference between a doctor, a physician assistant, a nurse practitioner, and an RN?
I didn’t know… but luckily, in the age of technology, so I can google it.

So the difference between nurses and physicians is that nurses are patient-based care and physicians are disease-based care… The nurse wants to make you feel better and prevent you from getting sick. The physician wants to eradicate the disease festering inside you before you cause a pandemic and decimate the population. (Physicians are hardcore.)
The way it stacks up is like this:Registered Nurses go to nursing school and treat patients.
Nurse Practitioners go to advanced nursing school and treat patients.
Physician assistants go to a medical school and treat diseases.
Physicians go to advance medical schools and treat diseases.

What’s the difference between treating a patient and a disease? Not a lot in the grand scheme of trying to make you better. It’s about interaction. Some people will probably lean more toward liking nurses, because they’re all about people. I’m more into the physicians, because I’m all about the science and getting down to fixing me. Both are trying to make you not sick, though… and that’s what’s important. So in the future, if your doctor’s office has the options, see physicians, physician assistants, and nurse practitioners.
And: Always be nice to your registered nurses, cuz they work VERY fucking hard.

Maybe I should look into being a Physician Assistant… I like medicine. I’d like to be a coroner, but I don’t have the time or money for med school right now. Maybe I could find time for the less intensive curriculum of a PA? I should check it out. I’m not old enough to resign myself to Automotive Accounting, just yet.

Anyways. That’s been my week.
I’m concerned that I gained weight while sick. Most people can manage to lose some weight when they get sick, but not me. I didn’t want to eat, I definitely couldn’t cook, and I generally didn’t have a taste for anything, so my mom did what she is good at, and that’s getting me food that I just plain like the taste of. It’s never good for you… I had stroganoff soup, and fried rice, and then Saturday I tried to eat some Jimmy John’s, but I only managed half the sammich. I’m hoping that I can lose whatever I might have gained by Thursday, though. I’m not like, devestated that I went off my diet, but it’s not like… good, by any stretch of the imagination. Lol.

Man I hope this week is better than last week.