Pain! So much pain!

When I woke up from anesthesia I was confused and panicky but not in pain. Once I figured out where I was, things were mostly fine. My pain was a 3, and I felt mostly fine. All the nurses were like, “if you’re this good now, you’ll have an easy recovery!”

So I went home.

Somewhere in the literature for my surgery is a small blurb on the 12-72 hours after surgery when your bowels “turn back on.” It’s very crampy and painful and drugs don’t make it better. You just gotta wait it out. At no point did anyone make sure I was aware of this…

So when my pain suddenly skyrocketed, I panicked. All I could do was pace and focus on breathing, because I do this thing where I hold my breath when I’m in pain. I paced until my legs hurt, at which point I then lie squirming in bed. It was only after a frantic phone call to a nurse line that we got me comfortable. And by comfortable, I mean unconscious. Later Chris came by and napped with me.

Day 1 and 2 post op were awful….

It’s day 3 now, and I hurt… I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach… and generally beat up, but it’s so much better than the past 2 days…

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Surgery Day!

3am – Alarm went off… spent the next 30 minutes drinking apple juice and taking the meds I was allowed to take today.

330am – Took shower with terrible antimicrobial soap they gave me at the pre-op appointments. I got it nowhere close to my eyes, but the fumes coming off of it were pure alcohol. So burny. It also left my skin feeling like plastic, very dry, and unpleasant. I longed for LOTION BUKKAKE. All over my life.

430am – Head to hospital for 530 check in. Mom was obviously nervous. Her driving showed it pretty evidently. Also, it was dark, and she has mild night blindness, so the drive to the hospital was NOT great. And we got there super early, so we had to wait for 30 minutes before the doors actually opened. But her being SO nervous meant my mom-friend instincts kicked in and I was incapable of being nervous for myself. Handy personality quirk.

6am – I had to strip down and pre-op started. I was kind of really uncomfortable with so many talking to me while I was wearing neither pants or panties, but I was soon distracted by the pre-op process. They put this GIANT needle in my arm to take blood, and then they push this button on the device and the needle pops out, but leaves flexible plastic tubing in my arm for administering fluids, drugs, and antibiotics during surgery. It was pretty cool, tbh. During this time I also met all my doctors. They all seemed very nice. I also got a shot of heprin for blood clots in the back of my arm… the needle didn’t hurt, but FUCK that burned. Not looking forward to administering my blood clot shots once a day for the next two weeks…. @_@

730am – They wheeled me into the OR. The sedation meds weren’t really taking effect on the way in, but I was still pretty calm all things considered. They adjusted the IV and I felt them before the anesthesia actually started, though. First time I remember seeing the OR in spite of this being the fourth surgery of my life. It was less terrifying to me than I thought it would be. Nice and cold, though. I love a good cold room. Then they said they were administering the knock out drugs, and I was out in like 20 seconds.

930am – Came to in recovery and panicked. I didn’t feel pain or anything, but waking up with people in your face asking you questions is jarring. I asked the time and when I could see my mom. I guess I was on the brink of tears, cuz the 68 year old recovery specialist was concerned I was in pain. Really, my pain was like a 3. She gave me just a little pain medication, which probably also helped me calm down. Once I got them to sit me upright, though, I started to feel better. I was only in the phase 1 recovery room for about an hour. I got real coherent and chatty pretty fast. I was also PARCHED so I sucked down ice chips and water like a pro, even though my throat hurt from the breathing tube, and still hurts right now, actually. When the recovery specialist said she was gonna go talk to my mom, I asked her to tell her my Pulse Ox, because I was pulling 98%. Many a time we’ve had problems in this family with people being unable to keep their pulse ox up, so I thought it would be the best way to reassure her I was doing well. Shortly after, I asked and was allowed to go to the bathroom and put my clothes on, which… nothing makes you feel better than wearing pants… Swear to god.

11am – Taken out to recovery stage 2, which is essentially just a holding room where Mom sat with me till they got my discharge papers ready. Everyone was SUPER impressed with my recovery. I wasn’t in pain, didn’t ask for medication, and was pretty chatty and overall happy. They predicted this meant I would have a pretty easy recovery, but warned me I’d prolly feel like someone beat me up tomorrow… looking forward to that!

1215pm – Released to go home.

1pm – Mom picked me up some Chik-fil-A for lunch and helped me get inside and get the dogs outside. Then, she left me to eat and get some rest. They put this thing behind my ear for nausea that’s good for 3 days, and it causes WICKED dry mouth. The fries went down great. The nuggets did okay. I killed two sweet teas trying to eat my sandwich, though, because I didn’t have enough saliva to breakdown the bread. Lol. After that, I went up to bed and napped on and off for most of the afternoon. I also listened to a book.

5pm – Chris came over. He’d texted me all morning, intentionally getting up even earlier than usual to reassure me everything would be fine. When he showed up his face was nothing but concern, though. He was actually really worried and was really glad I seemed to be doing mostly okay. We snuggled, and chatted, and watched The Orville. Then he had to go home since he’s got Addi this weekend. He setup a TV and a Wii U in her room, though, so she didn’t mind him coming over for a little bit. He promised to come back tomorrow, and the next day, and he’s spending all day Monday with me. I feel very loved.

630pm – Fed dogs and grabbed some dinner. It’s now 814pm, and I’m still working on dinner because it’s hard to swallow…. but I feel mostly okay.

OTHER NOTES:

  • The girl next to me in recovery was NOT doing very well. They did some kind of investigative surgery on her uterus for endometriosis and some other things I don’t remember the name of. She was actively crying and in a lot more than me. I hope she does well and gets relief for her problems. She seems like a sweet girl.
  • My surgeon came in to talk to me post-op and told me that in spite of being told I probably had endometriosis and poly-cystic ovaries since I was 12, there were no signs of either. This has made me very curious as to what the fuck caused my periods to be SO BAD. All the material, except my ovaries that I got to keep, was sent to pathology, though. Maybe they’ll be able to tell me what was up, as well as whether we got it out before it turned into cancer.
  • My surgeon showed my mom pictures of my insides. She was grossed out. I see this as payback for when she had her uterus cauterized when I was like 15, and her doc came out and this smol Asian woman named Doctor Sun showed me her burned and blackened uterus… and then went “See! You came out of there!” With a thick Asian accent… it was hilarious later, but freaked me out at the time. I derive pleasure from knowing mom felt similarly. Lol.
  • Chris signed divorce papers! I guess his ex got everything together after she filed their taxes, and he’ll be a free man, soon. I am very excited about it, especially with plans to move him in come May. I’m nervous what my hairdresser will say, since she’s already asked if I’d marry him… so now I feel like she’s gonna badger me to marry him forever now. Lol.
  • Both mom and I have been running off anxiety this week, and it shows. We both felt exhausted on the way back from the hospital, and we predict we’ll be out like a light tonight.

Overall, today was less epic than I thought it would be. If someone told me, right now, that I’d be going back to work Monday, I’d ask to wait till Wednesday. As it is, I’m off for two weeks! So, I plan on doing a lot of reading and gaming and hoping that the pain continues to be minor. I have no regrets now that it’s over.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Me: “So, are you sad I won’t even be having an oops baby now?”
Mom: “No, I’m glad you’re not gonna die. If you want a kid later, we’ll buy you one.”

I love my mom, and her borderline rude but in a caring kind of way bluntness.

3… 2… 1…

Tomorrow is the day. I get my hysterectomy at 730am tomorrow…

A, not excited to be up that early (530 check-in)
2, not excited about surgery (weirdly nervous about it)
D, everyone I’ve told has been so great (see below)

When this became part of my reality, I decided not to tell most people. I told my mom so she could come to the doctor with me, and I told Chris because he’s very important to me, and I told David (1), Billie, and Robyn, because they’re my besties. I also told Cat, because she’ll be covering some of my duties at work. But mostly I’ve kept it under wraps until recently. I’m not posting it on social media, but I’ve left little clues for people who are paying attention.

Well some people noticed. Shaunna and Bren are super sweet and offered to stay with me a day, as well as bring me Chipotle. Melanie offered to bring me Chipotle AND Boss (her dog) while I’m off. Baker offered to bring me Chipotle. David 2 offered to bring me dinner and watch a movie… Literally everyone has offered to come hang out and bring me Chipotle. It’s been… really nice. It’s nice to feel cared about. And David (1) went so far as to buy me the Resident Evil 2 Remake Deluxe Bundle so I have something to play while I’m off, since he’s not here to come see me. I was super in shock at that one.

I haven’t decided if I’ll make it super public, but it’s been nice to see an outpouring of support. Everyone who’s ever had surgery has reassured me that I’ll be fine, including Baker telling me about her C-Section. I often feel like I’m kind of a loner, but moments like this, where I could use people, people always show support. I have a unique kind of relationship with people, but we’re still friends. It’s important to remember that.

Yesterday I met my new med shrink. Dr. Patel is a young man with obvious Indian roots, but no accent. He’s also very nice. He helped me, via email, to get my meds straightened out after Dr. Major left. Our meeting was predominantly me telling him that I feel like I’m doing well in spite of all the stressors I have right now, gushing about Chris and how great he is, and just going over some “get to know you” questions. He let a few of Dr. Major’s notes she didn’t share with me slip, like how she suspected I might have Asperger’s. I don’t think I do, but at this point I don’t care what you call my crazy so long as we treat it. At the end of the hour we essentially agreed I’d come back in April or May, depending on if I take the job on the other side of town. It was really nice to see a doctor and not have anything be wrong.

I was a bundle of nerves yesterday, but I’m pretty calm today. I dunno why. Exhaustion, maybe? It’s hard to be anxious ALL THE TIME. I feel like at some point you just have to let it go. I won’t have time to be anxious at 5am tomorrow… I won’t hardly be awake. So I guess that’s good.

I dunno why I feel anxious about the surgery…. I’ve been under the knife several times…. gall bladder removal, ACL repair, skin removal…. Never had a reaction to anesthesia, or had to stay in the hospital longer than predicted. Never had a ton of pain, cuz I keep up on my meds. I don’t actually even think I can die, because I’m nicely deluded. I really have no reason to worry. Mom says it’s because I’m older now, and you just tend to get that way. The older you get the less you like the idea of surgery, because when you’re younger you don’t really think about it; it’s just a thing you do because someone tells you it needs to be done. She might be right.

Anyways… I guess I’ll check in during recovery. Hope it’s not too brutal.

Unsure if I should get a hysterectomy

TL;DR Might not need hysterectomy, but surgeon is willing to do it… unsure if I should.

30F HPV+

So my entire reproductive system has been against me since I was like 12, which is when I started getting paps. I started so early because my periods have always wrecked me. They can lay me up for days, so my doc put me on birth control to regulate my hormones. I guess I have poly-cystic ovaries, plus an enlarged ovary that pumps out too many hormones, and it was ASSUMED I have endometriosis, but my doc didn’t see a reason to actually look because I was a kid. My hormones regulated out on birth control, but the period pain just became something I lived with, as well as failing paps and having to have a colposcopy every year. It was annoying, and it was nerve wracking, but I just got used to it.

This year, with new insurance and a new set of doctors, I failed my pap, got setup for the colpo, and for the first time they cut chunks out for biopsy. It was very painful. I’d never had a colpo be painful before, and I had to go home from work afterwards because it hurt so much. Results showed pre-cancerous cells. While I’m accustomed to having mild dysplasia, this was not mild. It was very concerning. They wanted to do a LEEP. I didn’t know what that meant. I kind of blacked out when it was vaguely explained and I made them schedule me a consult because I wanted to know WHAT IS HAPPENING.

So today was the consult. Very nice doctor, I looked up her credentials. I trust no one. I also took my mom with me, because I didn’t wanna black out in a panic. So the long and short is I have HPV and squamous cells, which are pre-cancer, and I’m gonna have to do the LEEP. That being said, the doctor is willing to do a hysterectomy if I decide I want to. I’ll still have to do paps because of the HPV for the next 20 years. But now I’m unsure if I want the hysterectomy?

If they cut out the pre-cancerous cells with the LEEP, in theory I don’t need a hysterectomy, right? But with my history the doctor is on board with it, which is new. I’ve been asking people to tie my tubes since I was 23 and no one would, but this doc is willing to take it all out. I still have to do the LEEP though, to be sure she can do it laparoscopically (sp?). But now I’m unsure….

Mom and I decided to see what the LEEP reveals…. work from there. The cost is gonna be huge… hate that…. but if we can work it out I… still don’t know.

Thxgiving, Kids, Cancer, Love, and I

Thanksgiving has come and gone. It was, as usual, pretty uneventful. Mothership and I ate some shrimp, saw Bohemian Rhapsody, and watched Eli Roth’s History of Horror. No, I did nothing with the boyfriend this year. We agreed that next year we’d try to weave each other into our holiday plans. We’ve only been together since August, you know. Three months does not justify holiday chaos. He agreed.

Chris took Addi up to her mom’s, and he spent Thanksgiving with them. People make weird faces when I say that he spent Thanksgiving with his ex, her family, and her boyfriend and his kids, but personally I find it nice that they get along and can spend holidays together for the sake of Addi. They might be exes but if they can stay friends Addi’s family won’t have broken up, it will have just gotten bigger. I wish that for them all.

I took some time off before Thanksgiving and spent some time with Chris and Addi. We took her to Mile High Comics, the big one in bumfuk nowhere, and while it wasn’t ALL pleasant, I think it was productive. You see, I’m still figuring out how to interact with Addi. I’ve seen how other interact with her, and kids her age, and I think it’s dumb. So, when we picked her up from school and she was in a mood… I mocked her whining, which made her cry and pout. Chris was fine with this. We let her cool off and she wanted Waffle House. We weren’t sure how to get to Waffle House on the way to the comic store, and she wanted to throw a fit about it…

Let it be known that I am not a parent. I would never tell someone how to raise a kid, because I don’t know how to raise a kid.

That being said, I was NOT fucking having it, for reasons I’ll get to.
I spun around in the seat and told her to stop. I didn’t yell. I didn’t threaten. I didn’t even tell her that if she didn’t stop that she wouldn’t get what she wanted. I just told her to stop, since we were TRYING TO DO SOMETHING FUN FOR HER, and that if she wanted to make pouty faces she could do it while looking down because I didn’t want to see it.

And you know what? She stopped.

We went to Waffle House and she was fine. We went to the comic shop and she was fine. We went to 2nd & Charles and she was fine. Any time she tried to make that high pitched whining noise I just said, “Hey, we talked about that noise.” She was great the rest of the day, for a 5 year old. It’s like no one had told her to stop before. It was crazy. We didn’t find any comics for her, but at 2nd & Charles I bought her the three Five Nights at Freddy’s novels. My hope was that since she wants someone to read them to her, maybe she’ll want to read.

The next night we went to dinner with Chris’ mom and Addi. I don’t like eating with Addi because the adults in her life have made food “a thing.” As a former (current) person with an eating disorder, I dislike when people make food “a thing.” So we’re at this restaurant and they get an appetizer and they expect her to eat some. They get a salad and they expect her to eat some. Then her food comes, and she’s five, and she’s not hungry because she had appetizer and salad. Your stomach is the size of your fist… she’s five: she’s got a small fist. You can’t expect her to eat a ton. Not all kids do. So, she’s fidgety and she drops her drink, and Chris wants to get mad, and I just couldn’t help it… I told him to calm down. He did. There was no scene, no reprimands, and no tears.

So they were trying to get her to eat, but then they went to get desserts. While they were gone I talked to Addi. I asked if she knew how to twirl her spaghetti. She was excited to show me, especially when I attempted to do it with penne (which you can’t, obvi). Then I was like, wow, that’s so much food…. you can’t really fit that in your mouth can you? Of course she could, and she was excited to show me that, too. She was bored! It was obvious. I get the feeling she doesn’t get treated like a part of the group very often… I’m going to work on that with her.

When we got back to their place Addi was excited to show me her room and how clean it was. Then she was excited for me to read Five Nights at Freddy’s to her. It was adorable. I had a coughing fit and Chris had to take over. Aside from that Addi asked when she can meet my monsters (dogs) and I told her it depended. She would have to prove to me that she won’t make that high pitched whining noise, because Kira hasn’t been around kids and I dunno what she’ll do with that. I don’t want Addi to get hurt. She said she’d work on not doing that.

I call the weekend a win, overall. I don’t think I interact with kids the way other people interact with kids, though. I kind of just treat them like adults… but also account for age. She’s 5, she’s not an idiot. She has thoughts and opinions and social needs. She can be reasoned with and explained to if you take the time. I’m working on showing Chris how I would interact with his kid. A, I want him to know in case I need to babysit, but 2, my big thing is not to make stuff “things.” We got pizza one night and she wanted to throw a fit over mushrooms… I literally snapped my fingers at her and went, “Hey… just pick them off. Pick your battles, kid.” And she did and things were fine. I’m no expert on kids, but I do think that the less “things” in kids’ lives, the more adjusted they’ll grow up to be.

The reason I finally snapped at Addi, by the way, is because just a little while before we picked her up from school, I got a phone call informing me that my cervical biopsy revealed per-cancerous cells. They wanted to do a LEEP procedure, which entails essentially carving out the part of my cervix that has the cells. It sounds painful because it will be. I lost it. I started crying at this woman on the phone about how my reproductive system has been trying to kill me since I was 12, and how I refuse to have to do this every single year for the rest of my life when the cervical biopsy hurt so much already, and the dysphoria about the whole thing…

I got lucky the woman I was talking to was someone who had a hysterectomy already. She was very kind. She ran off to NP Slaughter and consulted with her, and NP Slaughter, refreshed on my history, decided I should have a consult with a doctor. We postponed the LEEP procedure until after my consult with a doctor, who will discuss all my options, including a preventative hysterectomy. I will probably still have to have a LEEP, to see what’s in my uterus and determine how best to remove it, just in case it’s something that could break up and spread to the inside of my abdomen. I’m not thrilled.

I spent a lot of time on the phone with my mom crying about it all, and trying to deal with how scared and anxious I am over it…. but the consult is in late December, so I chose to put off worrying until then. I just pushed it down into a little ball that will probably give me cancer… hopefully not new cancer, though. Let’s stick to organs I can remove.

I thought I pushed it down, anyways. I put it out of my mind as much as I can. Aside from snapping back at Addi, though… I’ve had… symptoms of stress. My lips are raw meat from chewing on them. My picking habit is out of control. I’m binging or not eating at all. Little things can get under my skin and throw me into a completely inappropriate rage. I pushed it down, but the anxiety isn’t gone. I probably think about it several times a day… and just try not to acknowledge it. So today I bit the metaphorical bullet and scheduled a talk therapy session.

It’s so hard to pry apart what’s being caused by new medications and what’s just a response to stress… I thought if I could get in with someone now, I could be sure to have an appointment lined up after my consult… cuz no matter what, that’s gonna be a bad time. So… working on that self care, I guess.

Chris has been really great about this whole cervical cancer thing, too. He doesn’t “get it” but he’s there if I need him. That’s really all you can ask for.

In unrelated, happier news, I played matchmaker and found someone a match. A month ago I hooked up Chris’ friend Rob with my friend Amber. I dunno Amber well, but she’s awkward and best friends with Robot Boy, so I guessed she might like Rob. Holy hell was I correct. They are attached to each other like crazy glue. She started by spending four days there, only coming up for air when she had to go to work. She did Thanksgiving with his family. They’re thinking about moving her in. I mean, I thought Chris and I moved fast, but damn. Still, I’m happy for them and I’m happy that I brought them together.

Their speed kind of made me question where Chris and I are… but it’s two very different scenarios. Chris and I are happy. Rob and Amber are happy. They don’t have to be the same happiness to be happiness. Chris and I have things to consider that Rob and Amber don’t. Kids, finances, wives… but we’re fine where we are. Conversely, I always think Bird and her man should be “farther along” since they’ve dated on and off for like 10 years, but they’re not. And they’re happy. So… why argue with that?

Speaking of Bird, this past weekend we went to a concert for Spiral Cell and Nordic Daughter, followed by playing Mario Party at my house. It was a blast! I lost so hard… but it was so much fun. The next night I made Chris dinner and we watched comedy specials. It was really nice. I loved our weekend. I love us. I love being happy. I do not love that he takes his steak medium, though… I’m a rare girl, and I’ve never cooked a medium steak… so I totally ended up with well done… but the potatoes and asparagus were good. Lol.

Anyways. That’s all for me. And really… that’s enough.

My Cervix Hurts

I had to go get a pap smear today. I haven’t had one since 2015. Why? Because I fail them. I’ve been getting them since I was 12 and I’ve failed all but 1. It gets annoying. It gets frustrating and depressing… so I just stopped. But, you can’t dodge that forever, especially when your family runs RAMPANT with cancer.

So I went, and it was a surreal kind of experience.

When I previous went to my doctor, several things were standard at the well woman physical. The nurse would try to pry information on my entire sexual history out of me. (Which I still don’t get. Who I was fucking before my 2.5 year celibacy break does NOT effect my current sexual health.) I’d take a pregnancy test. My birth control would be held hostage until I came in for the pap smear. My doctor would remind me that this was all for my well being.

A Kaiser well woman is a lot…. less. Just less. I went in. They took vitals, as usual, and then we did a quick breast exam and a pelvic exam, followed by a Gardasil shot. THAT’S IT. Now… I don’t say a lot of good things about Kaiser, because I hate them and I’d like to set their corporation on fire from the inside out, but this was great. No interrogation. No suspicion of pregnancy. In and out. Easy peasy.

But… as always… my cervix hurts and I’m probably going to fail the pap… so that’s no good, but whatever.

Chris was a real sweetheart about this, cuz I was complaining and then had a panic attack in the doctor’s office… and he was his usual suspiciously supportive self. He assured me that if anything was wrong “WE” would get through it and get it fixed, and then he told me about his Magic Tournament this weekend to distract me. He’s great. I love how great he is. I love him. It’s gross.


In other news.

Someone asked me to describe what living with mental illness is like. Here’s my metaphor.

It’s like… you’re the paste eating kid in grade school.

Everyone knows something is up with you, but can’t always figure out what it is until an incident. Then they know, and they treat you different for it. Sometimes it’s mockery, sometimes it’s avoidance, sometimes it’s lectures and repercussions, sometimes it’s someone telling you to just stop… but even if you get better and you move on with life, there will always be the people who know what happened, and they’ll tell other people, and you’re the kid that ate paste for the rest of your life…

The longer you go without eating paste, the more you can laugh at it, the less other people will know, and the less people who know will talk about it. But you always know you’re the kid that ate paste… and you always live with that shame, even though it wasn’t something you meant to do.

If you don’t get better… you’re always the weirdo that eats paste, no matter what else you do. You could cure cancer, and you’ll still be remembered for paste… it’s always going to be a footnote in a textbook about you… “They cured cancer! But also they ate paste… so… think about that.”

Secret Vacation

So. I got some vacation time this week.

I was talking to Bosslady about how I was going to lose my vacation this year. You see, at my place of work if you don’t USE the vacation, you LOSE it, because the company doesn’t pay it out. So, I was telling Bosslady how I lost my vacation and she was like NO YOU DID NOT!!! TAKE THE VACATION! NOW!

So, I was on vacation this week. I didn’t tell anyone, because… they might wanna do stuff… and I had things I wanted to get done.

I cleaned mom’s house Monday. I didn’t CLEAN IT clean it, but I vacuumed like four times for dog hair, cleaned the bathrooms, and mowed the lawn.
Tuesday I had problems doing things… Kinda wore myself out Monday, I guess. Still, I managed to mow my front and backyard.
Wednesday I went to Lowes for some garden stuff, including some Lois flowers. They’re called Lantana, and my grandma, Lois, grew them in giant bushes in Florida.

Wednesday evening I called to be sure Mothership had left work and she was NOT good. She was dizzy and nauseous, so I went and got her from work. When we got home she threw up… and I panicked. It was too much like that day I had to take her to Urgent Care… I don’t know if I can survive her in the hospital again. Fortunately, I set her up in bed and she woke up much better. That meant that I had to take her back to work Thursday, though.

So this morning I took her to work. It was a pleasant enough ride. Afterward, since I had a blood pressure check on that side of town at 1030 anyways, I went to Village Inn for┬ábreakfast. It wasn’t my best idea to eat before a blood pressure check. The omelet upset my stomach, which I think raised my blood pressure some; also: salt content. So I went in for the check and it was 138/90. That’s good, but it’s not quite where they wanted it to be. As a result, my doctor increased my Procardia. Doubled it, actually.

Here is the baffling thing about this experience.

My shrink reduced my Effexor because she thought it was raising my blood pressure. Last week, after I saw Joe and had better blood pressure, I got her to agree to increase it again and let me keep the Wellbutrin. That was major. Because it’s not as low as they wanted it, my Effexor might be in danger again.

I can’t go back to how I was before the Effexor. I woke every morning wishing I hadn’t. It’s no way to live. While I’m not 100% great right now, I’m better. That little bit of better is so important to me. I’ll do anything to keep the Effexor. That’s an important determination to make, because the Procardia is causing some tiredness and joint pain… and this flushing thing where I’m just super hecking hot a lot of the time. Procardia is not pleasant when you tend to get every single side effect known to occur… but I can’t go back. I need the Effexor because I like wanting to live.

Admittedly, the tiredness and joint pain is hindering my former burst of energy that I got with the Effexor, but I’m still better on the Effexor than off of it.

We’ll just have to see how this plays out. Tomorrow I wanna do more yard work, and I’m getting the dogs groomed. It would be great to have a nice backyard to read in…