Laugh Lines

This morning I noticed that I am developing laugh lines. They’re still very faint, but they’re there… waiting to overtake my face and slowly turn me into my mother.

Discovering the first signs of aging is hard… I’m 27… not even 30, and I’m very depressed to know I’m going to end up with laugh lines… What makes this harder, though, is that everyone I know is older than me. A strange thing happens when you’re trying to talk to people older than you about things that bother you in your life… lemme give you an example.

Imagine, if you will, a teenager stressing about acne and the prom. If you’re over the age of 20… you’ll prolly smile to yourself. You know that in a few years the acne will clear up and prom will have meant little to nothing in the grand scheme of your life. High school, while seeming like the most important time in your life, ends up meaning virtually nothing. It’s just something you look back on and cringe at. In recent years it’s been made apparent to me, from talking to people of all social groups from high school, that high school was an awful, anxiety ridden roller coaster of disappointment for everyone. Including the popular group, jocks, cheerleaders, and anyone else you think might be enjoying themselves.


Having friends in their 40s-60s is kind of like that… except that they’re laughing at you, and shit doesn’t get better, but significantly worse. So today I mentioned to some friends that I discovered the beginnings of laugh lines, and that it makes me kind of depressed, and they laughed at me and assured me that time will ravage and rape my face and body, and that I’ll wake up one day and see the Crypt Keeper where my fresh faced young self used to be… but probably a fat version.

I’ve never worried that much about my skin. I’ve never spent much time in the sun, thanks to having had skin cancer when I was real young. In Girl Scouts, we went hiking, but I always slathered myself in sun block and thanks to my insecurities about my entire body, I was usually covered from shoulder to knee, at minimum. In high school I had some acne, but not as much as other kids did. My mother worried about it more than I ever did, only to buy me Pro-Active, which make my face SIGNIFICANTLY worse. It cleared up by the end of… Sophomore or Junior year, I think. As an adult, I tried to develop a skin care routine, but I am pretty negligent when it comes to moisturizing, using creams, or even washing my face… I just always had naturally nice skin, even if you can see the blue veins underneath it…. #pale

So finding laugh lines saddens me. I have a friend whose main battle in life has been their skin. They had terrible acne in high school that left their face a scarred landscape reminder of the war that was skin care through adolescence. In college, they went so far as to take Acutane to clear up their skin. Acutane has since been discontinued in the US because of side effects, but it was a form of Vitamin A that changed your skin cells and caused them to release less oil and made your skin renew itself faster than usual. It was discontinued because this shit wrecked the intestinal systems of many of the 16 million people that took it. While on it, my friend was also advised not to drink, as mixing it with alcohol can be fatal. As an adult, this friend has also done chemical peels, had all kinds of needles jammed in their face for resurfacing, had cyst dents filled, and gotten Botox. They look great now. Not that I ever thought they looked bad, but they’re happier, so I’m happy for them.

I’m not this kind of person, though. I’m not going to run out and price Botox because I’m getting some laugh lines. I’m going to be depressed about it, and actually nail down a skin care routine, instead. Aging is a battle you can’t win. You can hold off the invasion, but sooner or later you lose… you either lose because you end up looking aged, or you lose because you get too much plastic surgery and look alien. I’d list examples, but you can probably think of them… I mean… come on… we all know which celebs look weird and why.

My granddad aged really well: jet black hair till he started chemo, soft age lines… skin like paper, though. My mom is getting my granddad’s paper skin. She can cut herself on a butter knife at this point, and I predict it will get thinner with age. Lois (my grandma) had pretty okay skin… but it was devastated by diabetes. I’m kind of hoping for my dad’s skin. He and his family have pretty resilient skin. That doesn’t mean they age well, but who knows? They all did a lot of drugs and slept in the sun a lot… without those factors they might age like wine. Lol.

Anyways… today I’m sad because I found laugh lines… but I don’t remember laughing all that much in my life.


10 Years Out of Hell

Real Quick.
Before we get into this… I’ve fallen in love with this YouTube musician, Leo Moracchioli, and all his metal covers.
Click here for a a badass cover of Ex’s & Oh’s by Elle King.

This is going to be a long one, so I’ve conveniently separated it into sections for you.

So, it’s been 10 years, as of this coming May, since I was in high school.
A, it doesn’t feel that long.
2, I haven’t seen or heard anything on our potential reunion.
D, I probably wouldn’t go to a reunion anyway.

SECTION A: Why high school sucked/currently sucks/will suck for everyone…

I remember the first day of high school pretty vividly. Maybe it was the fact that I was scared out of my mind, or maybe everyone remembers high school like a nightmare that you relive every night for four years, but that was a day that I remember in detail.

Now, fortunately, my middle school was almost as big as my high school, so the size of the building wasn’t that daunting. What WAS daunting is that somehow I became even more hyper aware that the friends I’d managed to make in middle school were going to be part of a crowd with a target on their back.

Quick Recap of Middle School: I was a loser with no friends coming out of one year at an elementary school. I was a fashion ignorant, shy bookworm that liked to draw. I spent a lof middle school alone in the library. I did manage to make friends. We liked anime and drawing, and geeky ass weeab shit. At that time, it was not socially acceptable, but I didn’t really care until I realized that I was going to end up in the same position I was in when I started middle school… which was loser with no idea how I’m SUPPOSED to act to keep from being even more of a loser.

So, my middle school friends, either unaware they were going to be socially cringe-worthy or just not caring about it, quickly joined the corresponding group of table top gamers, thespians, and weeabos that my high school had to offer. Don’t get me wrong… they were good enough people. Most were pretty nice, and I held nothing against them.
I just didn’t want to BE them.

As a previous social outcast, I wanted more. I wanted to belong for once since leaving private school. I’m not sure it would have turned out better in private school, but that was the last time I felt like I really belonged to a social group. So I, being the clever girl I am, spent day 1 of high school observing the different social groups that my school had to offer. The school was huge, but there weren’t that many groups. The preppy population made up most of the school. We were supposed to be the rich school, and that’s just want we were for the most part. There was the gamer group, which included the table top gamers, most of the thespians, super awkward bookworms that still needed friends, and the weeabos. There was the hip hop club…. stereotypically this was the black group. There were black people in all the different groups, but this was the majority of the black kids. There were the Asians… most of the Asian demographic was Vietnamese, but any Asian was welcome, unless you were Indian. There were, of course, Asians in all the other groups, too, but the main group that spoke to each other in Vietnamese were prolly a good third or more of the school, and not terribly friendly. And then there was the goth group.

I will never forget looking at the goth group. They were a black spot in an otherwise bright common area. They hung out under the main stairs and just seemed pretty chill. There were no goths in middle school, so this was the first time I’d seen them outside of movies, but they just seemed alright. No one seemed scared, no one bothered the quiet kids, no one was crying… it was just a bunch hanging out. I watched them for a while, and decided.
I was going to be a goth.

I didn’t have a goth wardrobe, and we didn’t have much cash, so I had to find other ways to get myself into the group. I don’t know why I didn’t just walk up to them and be like, “Imma sit with you guys.” They probably wouldn’t have really cared. Still, I had to figure out a way in.

So, I dyed my hair bright red. It looked awful. But it worked.

Long story short, the goth group was great. I wasn’t REALLY a goth… I didn’t have the dedication to makeup, but I bought a lot of baggy black clothes, and was more of a grunge kid. We had punks, goths, grunge kids, stoners… people just hung around a lot. ALL WERE WELCOME! And while high school was still an insufferable nightmare, at least I had a place, and felt like I belonged to a social group.

This didn’t stop people from trying to make my life hell. Kids are fucked up assholes. You get harassed for everything, even if you don’t have a target on your back (or join a big group of black wearing sad kids).

I have a number of friends that were pretty preppy, and they HATED high school just as much as I did. EVERYONE caught shit. Even… okay, so my friend has two daughters. In high school they were thin, pretty, blonde… like cheerleader Barbie… and they WERE cheerleaders. One was REALLY good at it, so all the older cheerleaders hated her for no real reason at all. She’s a great girl. She’s fun. She parties like a demon. She’s the girl I secretly wanted to be… and she still caught so much shit she’d sometimes cry about it.

I guarantee that pretty much every girl has gone home and cried about being treated like shit in high school. If you didn’t, I DEFINITELY guarantee that you made some girl go home and cry about high school. I kind of hold that against you. That is a shitty person to be. I hope you changed.

Kids are especially cruel if you love something. I don’t know how my friends in the gamer group coped with this kind of shit… but real quick, here’s how I did.

I hated gym class. I still have weird PTSD about exercise because being the fat kid in gym class is a traumatizing experience that will NEVER LEAVE YOU. I tried to take classes I might like. I hated them all. Except… I really liked weight training. I was legitimately good at it. There wasn’t a lot of cardio, so I couldn’t fail at running. I felt good when I did it. That is… until the girls in my class made me hate myself for it.

I’m a big girl. I was a less big, but still large girl in high school. As a result, I had a good bit of muscle. You carry around more weight, so you have to be able to move that weight. I could out-bench most of the boys in my class, and all the girls. So, they made that a thing. I don’t know how they took my ability to achieve at something and made it something that I hated myself for. Being good at a thing never felt so much like dying… So, I stopped going. I picked up chain smoking. I never looked back.

I still regret that. I wish they hadn’t gotten to me like they did, but I HATED myself for being good at something. I have never tried to be athletic again. And when I join a gym, even though no one has ever made me feel weird at a gym, I just think about how much I hate myself. It’s never left. That’s insane! But it’s totally true. If you see me on an elliptical, all I’m thinking is, “You’re a fat piece of shit that doesn’t deserve to live.” If you see me lifting weights, my only thoughts are, “You should just kill yourself….” I wish I could get that happiness back… Maybe if I do drugs first… then lift. I used to do shots of tequila before doing the elliptical…. helped…

SECTION 2: Are we even having a reunion?

I really don’t know. I know that older people who’ve gone to reunions get notified like 6 months in advance, at least. I’ve heard nothing about ours…

Do we not do 10 year reunions anymore?
Fuck if I know.

Am I just not someone that would get invited?
No one else I know from high school has been invited, either…

How do reunions even get planned?
I don’t know that information, either…

I live next door to my house from high school. My mother would tell me if I received reunion mail… and then she’d want me to go, but totally understand if I didn’t, because all her reunions were awful.

SECTION D: I probably wouldn’t go to a reunion anyways.

Look, maybe some people loved high school. I don’t know anyone that did, but I’m sure those people exist. I hated high school. It was turmoil and it ruined any self esteem I might have had. I had to rebuild myself from scratch in college. It was asinine.

In this day and age, though… do we need a reunion? Isn’t this what Facebook is for?

I mean, really, if I wanted to talk to you, I could find you via internet. I Facebook stalk all kinds of people from high school. I’m not really behind on anyone’s life.

The lesbian couple that was together for like 6 years? Broke up, both are now seeing men. One is married with a baby.
Scary lesbian that I always admired? Still gay, and wears pink polo shirts now.
Girl we all thought prolly WAS NOT a lesbian, but prolly had an eating disorder? Seems, from an observational stance, to be pansexual and is working retail… also still VERY thin.
Girl who dated almost exclusively Mexicans? Got knocked up by one, who got deported, but now she seems quite happy with her family, so I guess he came back.
Boy my mom always thought needed a mommy? Still needs a mommy, but also doing kind of okay.
Super crazy smart guy that also smoked pot? Mostly into house music now, and doesn’t seem to have done ANYTHING with his intellect.
Stoner with a mohawk? Been to jail a lot… Recovered drug addict…Tried to off himself… Doing much better and got a dog.

I know what happened to almost everyone. What would I even need a reunion for? To relive the awful of high school? To find out what happened to the people that made my life hell? Don’t care.

Nihilism & Upcoming New Year Thoughts


It’s always a weird day when you discover that you fit into a category.

I was reading through this blog. Highlights from this year include a post called “I Bashed My Face Into A Bookcase” where I detail how I met a really nice trans girl that I brought home, and how my wasted ass knocked myself out tripping over a dog, as well as a myriad of posts about how I was depressed and everything was awful, and how maybe I should go ahead and kill myself.

The year didn’t even START good. Jan 1st I’m spiralled out into a horrible depression. Then it got worse.

So what the hell is 2016 supposed to be?

The year I turn it all around? The year I actually lose the weight? The year everything falls into place?

Why. Why would that be what happens.
I’m not using question marks because I’m not actually asking.

So I just decided.
It’s the year I embrace Nihilism.

Life is meaningless. I’ve thought that for a long time, now.
So if life is meaningless I’m gonna stop taking it so fucking seriously.
I said I’d do two things this year: Veganuary & take up hiking.
Aside from that… I’m just gonna let everything the fuck go.
And maybe learn to bake single batch cookies… just because I get sick of buying cookies that go to waste since I only eat sweets like once every 3 months. I just want ONE hot, gooey, cookie.

Not doing anything for NYE, btdubz, cuz I have to work that day and the next, and that weekend… so… whatever.


Birthdays. What can I say about birthdays?

Not a lot. They don’t really mean anything to me anymore.

I haven’t had a real birthday party since I was 21. I don’t actually call that a real birthday party, though, since most of the guests were my boyfriend’s and not mine. I think like 5 people I actually knew myself showed up, but it was nice that his friends came, anyways, I guess. And they cut my cake with a samuri sword… so… Memorable.

Anyways, for my birthday this year (which was Halloween, if you missed that) I went to a friend’s Halloween party. It was a poly party. They converted the detached garage into a “dungeon” for play, but I didn’t actually see many people in there. The house mates made me a cake, because they’re genuinely nice and magical people. I invited Bird and Cat, but Cat got stuck with her nephew all day and was too exhausted to come… and Bird showed up for like an hour. I had fun, though. The people at poly parties are always interesting, and always very nice. And they sang me happy birthday, so… bonus.

My birthday cost me 6 lbs… so… I’m back to dieting. Gotta get back on it and drop more weight. It’s weird how fast it can creep back on. But I guess I’m not really surprised. I’ve been drinking a ton of soda, not enough water, and mostly eating WAY TOO MUCH Chipotle. I’ve been doing that thing where I get tacos and a bowl and eat both in one sitting… I dunno why.

It’s NaNoWriMo.
I’ve never really been a writer, but I think I might try this year… Just put it in a side blog, I guess… I need a place to storyboard my¬† comic book idea, anyways. Since I’m a day behind, I guess I’ll have to write two entries today… Or 3333 words in one entry. We’ll see. Idk…

I guess that’s it. Birthday was uneventful, but I did buy myself a neat new video game called Until Dawn. So… Yeah.

Life Update

Let’s start with the diet.

I am NOT doing overwhelmingly well with being Pescatarian. I totally didn’t anticipate how hard it actually is. I mean, I love fish. LOVE LOVE LOVE fish, but in recent years, my main meat consumption has flitted over to pork. Fish in Colorado is kinda pricey… Pork is not. So going out has been very hard… and I just… haven’t kept to it.

I have failed at being a pescatarian.
But, I have succeeded at reducing my overall meat intake, including fish. I eat primarily non-meat meals, at this point, which is something I’ve realized over the past couple of months. I’m just more interested in grains and veg, now. I also cook more often, and when I cook I don’t use much meat or animal products. It’s just going out that kills me.

I love Chipotle. At Chipotle I can get sofritas, and they are delicious.
But… I really like Chipotle steak. So, while I’ve been trying to get sofritas, and enjoy them, I slip and get steak. Then I feel kinda bad, but mostly I’m impressed that I’ve stopped Chipotle binging. Chipotle binging is a big thing for me. I’m notorious for going there and getting three orders of food with double everything on them all, then going home and eating it, feeling VERY sick, and maybe making myself throw up to relieve the discomfort.

Since changing up my diet, I’m eating ALL THE TIME. I’m eating right now, as I type this. Perpetually eating is different than binging, though. I’m constantly munching: an apple, a handful of trail mix, a handful of chips, part of a PayDay, three cucumbers… whatever. What I’m not doing is eating ALL of whatever I’m munching on unless it’s tasty meal time. Even at meals my portions are smaller, though. It was that I would, at minimum, eat a double meat bowl at Chipotle… now I’m down to an order of soft tacos filled mostly with salsa… I was eating 2-3 giant servings (of 2-3 cups per serving) of pasta at home, and now I’m having about a cup worth of food, and calling it good.

So, maybe I failed at being pescatarian. I will continue to try to change my diet further, but in the meantime I revel in the changes I’ve managed… Also, I’ve lost 8 lbs this month, so THAT is worth some celebration.

In other news, I had two very good dates, recently. I won’t be calling that guy back, though. While he seemed to have fun and everything, it seems to me that he just enjoyed being out with people, not being out with me. I know that sounds narcissistic and selfish as hell, but what’s the point of the date if he’s enjoying everything except my company? He can find things to do in Denver on his own.

I’ve also grown annoyed with the fact he’s still unemployed, but sits at home smoking weed. I get that we live in Colorado, and it’s legal here. I get that at some point I might have to compromise on my no pot preference if I’m to find someone in this state, but I’d at least like them to be a working stoner.

I don’t have time for people that still trying to find themselves in their late 20s or early 30s. I don’t have time for people that like to flutter in the wind. I have a life. I have me. I have bills. I have interests. I have things to do. I’m glad that other people have time to be essentially worthless, but I don’t care to associate with those people.

Other than that… nothing new to report… Been working on learning to draw better portraits… and… yeah. That’s it.