I’m Going To Hell : Reason #752618452QHL

I really think 2017 is going to be my year, guys.
Why?

  • One of my friends is in a stale relationship with a person in another state that they refuses to actually care about because out of state person has hurt my friend before, and out of state person is a super flake that is always a second from never seeing my friend again due to crippling depression
  • One of my friends had a significant other of over 5 years pack up all their shit and leave on Christmas Day… also, the ex is moving to Texas, where all of my friend’s other exes happen to live… my friend is literally a George Strait country song
  • My ex best friend, who totally cut me off because their significant other (turned spouse) didn’t like me, had lost a whole lot of weight on a very strict diet and exercise routine the significant other put her on… and while cyber stalking the ex-bestie I discovered that they have gained ALL their weight back… and that weight brought friends… lots of friends
  • One of my friends has been in so many short-lived, shot relationships that they’ve entered the phase where they are just horrifically bitter about literally EVERYTHING having to do with the opposite sex
  • One of my best friends pretty much doesn’t seem to care if I’m alive or dead
  • The person I see the most is so busy being caught up in trying to escape from their mental illness through escapism, that they can’t comprehend how much Mary Jane they’re smoking, so they are circling the metaphorical drain of anything resembling sobriety and I’ll have to figure out how to get away from them soon
  • One of my best friends is getting married to the person they’ve been with for like eight years

Aside from the wedding, none of these are good, obviously.

Here’s the thing, though… I tend to float when everyone around me drowns.
I don’t know why, but it’s a thing that’s been a pretty good constant in my life.

Of course, I want to see the people around me doing well. I want them to be happy, healthy, and all around prosperous. I want them to be happy single or in a good relationship. I want them to be happy with their bodies or on a road to betterment. I want them to do well in their careers or not be afraid to try a new path in life. I want nothing but good things for my friends, really.

Still, it’s a documented record of correlation that when everyone around me is dropping out of the sky, crashing and burning, with no hope for pulling themselves out of a tail spin… The sky becomes my new limit in life. So, with everyone else’s lives falling apart in a very sitcom cliche kind of way, I feel like everything for me has to get better.

Maybe this year I’ll really get into the gym again, and get down to that round 200 lb goal I have. Maybe this year I’ll find someone that I really want to spend time with and we’ll flourish into something substantial. Maybe this year I’ll manage to get my graphic design business off the ground and be able to quit my job and work from home. Maybe this year I’ll get to buy a new house that isn’t falling apart. Maybe this will really be my year!

I don’t really know, but to be honest the more friends I have whose lives crumble into little itty bitty pieces of destruction, the brighter my outlook on 2017 becomes.

I know that’s shitty.

Here’s the thing, though. Even if I weren’t taking all of this as a good omen for myself, I’m still not broken up about any of this.

  • If my friend doesn’t want to put commitment into a relationship, they can’t expect to get that back from someone… especially someone with crippling depression
  • My friend spent the first year of their relationship trying to scare the (now) ex off… it took time, but the refusal to let their ex behind their wall of defense was bound to have repercussions eventually
  • When you have a baby, your body changes… my ex best friend came from large people… being large was inevitable without really close care
  • When someone sets themselves up with shitty people, constantly, it’s going to jade them… my friend just scarred their own heart by insisting on dating trashy people
  • People move away… they forget who mattered to them before
  • Mental Illness is a helluva thing, and if you don’t take the care seriously it can turn on you… yeah, pot doesn’t cause interactions with medications, but escapism is still escapism… and it’s still a problem
  • Weddings are not sad events…. this is the only legitimately good omen I have… and I’m real happy for both of them

I can’t say for sure that my life is going to get better because my friends’ lives are in shambles… I wouldn’t WANT that to be a definite thing. I’m just saying that I think I’m going to have a good 2017… and after this shit show that we called 2016, that’s not REALLY saying that much.

Hellbent on a Better Year

NYE Mothership and I went to see The Hateful Eight. It was good. I don’t think it was what Mothership was expecting, and it wasn’t my favorite Quentin Tarintino movie, but it was good. I liked it.
#BloodyMess

When we got home I was a tad depressed that I didn’t have anywhere to go for NYE. I really didn’t wanna try to fight my way downtown, and all my friends were at this crap-ass dive bar they live at for karaoke. I don’t like karaoke and I don’t like the general population of people that attend that bar. It’s just not my scene. I decided not to dwell on it, though. Next year I’ll make better plans and do something. It’s already been decided.

Instead, I watched Pirates of the Caribbean and sketched till I got sleepy.

This year I’m going to try and sketch daily. My assignment, as decided by taking suggestions and picking my favorite, is to do something with a circle every day. It was Billie’s idea! She’s a genius that one. I can do a lot with a circle a day, and it makes the days when I’m not feeling creative easier. Last night I made it a porthole and sketched a pirate ship in it. It’s not very good, but I think I’ll do it with colored pencils tonight. I like the concept, but I’m not actually very good with black and white drawings. I’m significantly better with a color medium… Lol.
Maybe I can sell some work this year.

Also, I’m going to try and stay off Facebook for a while. I’m not actually sure that social media is good for you… I’ll only be logging in to check events. If I really wanna post something, I still have Google Plus or Tumblr… I should prolly not be on Tumblr so much, tbh… but baby steps. Lol. I love Tumblr. I’m gonna stop being on it at work, though. It’s not conducive to getting my work done.

After reflecting on everything I did NOT like about 2015, I’m trying really hard to do positive things. It’s hard for me. I’m not positive. So I’m starting small. Today at work I’m listening to some of my favorite electro-pop (Carley Rae Jepsen’s Emotion album) and enjoying wearing jeans to work.

Today I start being vegan for a month. I always forget how hard that is… they put eggs in fucking everything. I tried to buy a bag of cookies this morning… eggs. Protein bar? Eggs. Eggs fucking everywhere. Lol. Hopefully when we order lunch today I can find something acceptable from wherever we go. Fingers crossed.

And… I dunno what else. I should really get to work, though. I’ve killed an hour on the internet writing this and deleting everything off my FB. Lol.

Here’s to having a good year. If it kills me, I’m going to be happy this year, god damn it.

2016 Intentions

I’m not doing resolutions this year, but I have some things I’m going to do in 2016… they’re intentions. I might manage them, I might not.
So, in no particular order….

  • Veganuary
    • It’s good for your cholesterol
  • Take up hiking
    • Still not excited about it… still gonna do it
  • Morning affirmations
    • I have always thoughts that talking to yourself in a mirror is stupid, but I’m gonna try it anyways
      • It’s not like it can hurt, right?
  • Weight management
    • Maybe not loss… I mean, that’s the end-goal, but I’m just gonna try to eat well and not GAIN weight
    • Veganuary is gonna be full of carbs!!!
  • Sell some art
    • Just suck it up and try
  • Draw the same thing everyday
    • I took submissions for the subject matter for this project, and I think the winner was a circle
      • So I draw a circle and then either draw something in or around it, or turn it into a face or pokemon or an eye, etc.
  • Do shit just because it makes me happy
    • Somehow I lost track of the me that went out and did whatever I liked doing, even if there was no one to do it with me

So that’s the list.

In unrelated news, I’ve been talking to a seemingly nice guy. He really made my whole evening last night when we were talking about hiking. I mentioned that I wanted to start hiking, but how I can’t be in direct sunlight, and he suggested that I just wear a long sleeve cotton shirt and get a big hat… and I, being me, went, “Like an Audrey Hepburn hat?” And he goes, “YEAH! I think you could really pull that off, too!

So… picture me hiking like…

12440559_1663006933971770_4107806386683194745_o

It might really real go down that way… Lol.

Nihilism & Upcoming New Year Thoughts

nihilism

It’s always a weird day when you discover that you fit into a category.

I was reading through this blog. Highlights from this year include a post called “I Bashed My Face Into A Bookcase” where I detail how I met a really nice trans girl that I brought home, and how my wasted ass knocked myself out tripping over a dog, as well as a myriad of posts about how I was depressed and everything was awful, and how maybe I should go ahead and kill myself.

The year didn’t even START good. Jan 1st I’m spiralled out into a horrible depression. Then it got worse.

So what the hell is 2016 supposed to be?

The year I turn it all around? The year I actually lose the weight? The year everything falls into place?

Why. Why would that be what happens.
I’m not using question marks because I’m not actually asking.

So I just decided.
It’s the year I embrace Nihilism.

Life is meaningless. I’ve thought that for a long time, now.
So if life is meaningless I’m gonna stop taking it so fucking seriously.
I said I’d do two things this year: Veganuary & take up hiking.
Aside from that… I’m just gonna let everything the fuck go.
And maybe learn to bake single batch cookies… just because I get sick of buying cookies that go to waste since I only eat sweets like once every 3 months. I just want ONE hot, gooey, cookie.

Not doing anything for NYE, btdubz, cuz I have to work that day and the next, and that weekend… so… whatever.

Day 1: Hopelessness & Me

It’s a good thing that I don’t judge the year by the first day, because if today was a valid indication of how my year will go, then I would kill myself right now.

Why was today so bad?

It didn’t start bad. I woke up, cuddled dogs, leisurely got ready for work… Then things went awry. An employee that I loathe didn’t show up till and hour and half after we opened, I didn’t bring a vegan lunch and ended up eating NOTHING vegan because it wasn’t an option, I realized I had neglected a schedule most of the year causing a large loss in revenue, and to top it all off it’s snowing.

So I already broke the one goal I had for the year… which was vegan food.
I fucked up at work.
It’s fucking snowing.
And I am just filled with an overwhelming sense of despair.

It’s moments like this that I just want to throw everything I own away, load up the dogs in the car, and just leave…
I don’t know where I’d go, I don’t know how that could make anything better, but I just want to go and not be here anymore…

So that’s where I’m at… and… I don’t know what I’m going to do with my evening, but I guarantee that it includes crying.

New Year’s Eve

So it’s New Year’s Eve!!!

…and I am at home alone.
It’s not because I had nowhere to go, or no one to go out with, or I’m having a fat day, though. I am sick. I’ve been sick for like a week, now. It’s been unpleasant. At first it wasn’t too bad, because it’s just a sinus thing. I have a sore throat, my ears are stuffy, and my nose is occasionally stuffed up when the fluid moves around. So that’s mildly irritating… but, then it gets worse. Now, I have all that, plus if I lay too flat when I sleep I can’t breathe, wake up coughing and sputtering, and whenever I sit up from laying down I get dizzy and nauseous. The other morning, when it happened the first time, I got so nauseous that I threw up all over what I had to wear for work. It was gross. I had to change. So. That is my life.

So what can I say about the year 2014. I accomplished NONE of my resolutions. I didn’t change jobs, move, find a relationship, or lose weight. I pretty much didn’t change at all. Maybe that’s a good thing, I mean, at least I didn’t die, get addicted to heroin, or get pregnant.

I did figure out that I’m asexual this year, and that’s a big thing. THE END OF AN ERA! The era of Slutty Sam is over. That’s definitely a good move. No more trying to convince myself that I just need to find the right partner. I can live happily now knowing that this is just me. Sex does nothing for me. Now the new challenge is finding a guy that I can have a little to no sex with and still have a meaningful relationship with. Yeah, cuz that’s not daunting and terrifying… There are so many guys that wanna go to rock shows with me knowing that they probably won’t get laid. Yeah… Yeah, totally. Still, I don’t feel broken anymore.

I don’t have any resolutions this year. It’s easier not to have that expectation. I am trying to make some good lifestyle choices, though. I’m being vegan for the month of January, picking up an exercise routine that is low cardio, and just keeping on like I’ve been doing… New year, not a new me… but maybe some positive things will happen from just being me.

Anyways… my sick ass is going to bed. Gotta work in the AM.
Yay bed.

Early Resolution Planning

I accomplished none of my 2014 goals… so I’m starting early on 2015 goals.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to worry about my weight.
Weight is a constant battle in my life and it just makes me crazy, so I’ve decided not to worry about it at all, and I’m going to hide my scale from myself. Instead, I’m just going to make some positive health choices and go with that. I’d like to do some strength training, and find a healthy diet plan.

I’m gonna be vegan for a month.
I decided to go vegan for the month of January. It’s a short-term commitment I’m sure I can keep, and it’s a good chance to try and find some healthier things to eat instead of copious amounts of Chipotle… not that Chipotle is bad for you, but I eat A LOT of it, and it’s loaded with sodium. Also… I could still get Sofritas… so… not really bad at all.

I’m gonna fix my damn house.
My house never really recovered from having a live-in boyfriend a few years ago… I’m getting closer to actually having a place to accurately live, but it’s taking time… I hate time… but it’s coming, and I have plans for it.

So there we go. That’s my resolution planning…
Now I must go research meal plans for January.