Guys, We Didn’t Talk About Resolutions

January has been crap, but my number one resolution for this year is TRYING to stay positive. I have a fun little positivity book I’m supposed to update daily and everything. I’m not updating daily… but I’m trying.

Other resolutions:

  • No internet dating
    • Read: {embrace that I’m not emotionally available to anyone}
  • Exercise more
    • Read: {be able to walk around without having an asthma attack}
  • Eat better
    • Read: {stop binge eating Chipotle when I’m sad}
  • Spend Less
    • Read: {stop buying art supplies, books, and Coca Cola on the daily}
  • Hydrate
    • Read: {drink something besides Coke and Sweet Tea}

So, I decided to cut internet dating because it doesn’t work and it makes me feel bad about myself. Also, though, I don’t make it easy for people to get to know me or even talk to me. I’m abrasive, closed off, and historically I prefer to make boys cry than let them violate me. So, I think in my year of preparation for being 30 (because 30 is death when you’re a woman, you know /s) I should just deal with that. I know who I am, and I know that I’m fine being alone, but I’ve grown so accustomed to the pursuit of a significant other that life without internet dating, even as terrible as it is, feels new and different. And I could definitely use some new and different in my life.

My ultimate goal with exercising and eating better is weight loss, and ideally I know I want to get back to high school weight (which is still fat, btw… like 60 lbs overweight still) but I don’t want to pin myself down to that number. I want to be able to walk without getting winded and I want to feel better physically more than I want to wear a certain size or see a certain number on the scale. I’m excited for my stationary bike to get here, because I’m motivated to do a thing. (It’s so rare that I’m motivated to do ANYTHING.) It’s supposed to come at the beginning of February. My mom also got me an Instant Pot for working so hard, so I’m excited to see what I can make with it and hopefully manage my caloric intake/expenditure better. I have this tendency to make everything about my weight, and while I am ENORMOUS (I’m not gonna sugar coat it, cuz then I might eat it) {as a fat person I get to make fat jokes guilt free} these resolutions aren’t inherently about my weight: they are about my health and my sense of well-being.

I finally got to really test out my Instant Pot that mothership got me, and I’m living for it. Today I made supa bomb green chili steak with rice and black beans, an amazing chicken soup, and a veggie side dish thing that’s essentially broccoli and cauliflower rice with peas and corn cooked in sofrito. It’s intended to be a side to whatever I make for dinner the next couple of days, which will probably be some chicken or fake turkey roast (Quorn brand non-meats are just tasty, y’all.)

Spending less is a resolution I often have, because I live in a comfortable debt. I have a mortgage, car payment, student loans, credit card debt, etc. I live pretty comfortably, and I don’t think too much about money most of the time, but I do buy things needlessly and I’d prefer to get out of debt instead of just repeatedly feeding it. Most notably, I have a tendency to put out a ton of money for art supplies and books. Of the things I could waste my money on, these aren’t the worst things, but I have stockpiled a supply of both. So, my goals are not to buy anymore, the exceptions being that if I use all of an art supply I can buy ONE more and if I take five books to sell or donate, I can buy one book (in theory using the money from selling the book). I also tend to overspend on groceries, so I’m hoping eating in a more health-conscious way will also help me spend less. Portion control can bleed into money, right?

Saying I want to hydrate for a resolution sounds like a very millennial thing to say, but the truth is that I have a tendency to avoid drinking actual water, and for a long time last year I was drink gallons of water a day, and it does wonders for everything from my skin to my appetite. Recently I got back into the habit of drinking Coca Cola and Monster, as well as a copious amount of iced teas. The teas don’t bother me that much, because it’s only 1 cup of sugar to a whole pitcher of tea, which I think is about a gallon and a half. The coke is out of hand, which is a startling sentence. I really gotta stop drinking so much processed crap, though. While I drink zero-calorie energy drinks, I can tell when I’m dehydrated because I get all swollen and wanna take a nap. I don’t know what I’m going to do to replace my caffeine intake… caffeine is definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to kick, but I know I can do this since I’ve done it before.

Also, I’ve quit smoking. I don’t really know how long it’s been since I smoked… which is not something most smokers will tell you, but I never really smoked on the daily. I always smoked when I went out, and I haven’t been going out, so that made it an unconscious decision to quit. I’ve decided to stick with it, though. I often find myself wanting one, but I just push it down. It’s been really hard recently, because I’ve found it’s really hard to live without a vice.

I don’t have that many vices, and it’s unfortunate that the one I have makes me feel terrible. With the obscene amounts of stress I’ve been under since the new year started, I could really use a vice, but…I don’t drink alone as a rule (cuz I have been known to develop a real bad drinking habit), I quit smoking, I can’t bring myself to become a stoner (I live in Denver, it’s legal, but I still might wanna find a new job at some point and have no idea how to detox, and in my industry we still follow federal regulations), and actual drug use (like abusing my stockpile of Xanax) has never really appealed to me. So, I’m often left with eating as a vice. Even if I make the healthiest food, I have a severe problem with portion control and as a result I’m fat and suffering physical ailments related to my size. Honestly, I have toyed with the idea of living on zero-calorie Monster and cigarettes and just giving up food… but I already had my battle with not eating, as well as the vicious binge-and-purge cycle, and I’m not sure I could win again.

My hands have suffered in place of my lack of vice, too, because I had stopped biting my nails for most of 2017, and I’ve just massacred them since the new year started. THEY ACTUALLY HURT. It’s not even just biting on them, either. I have a tendency to take clippers to try and “fix” the damage and cut them so much shorter than I even ripped them down to. I clip till they bleed, and to be honest that part is so satisfying. It’s like tiny self-harm that’s 100% socially acceptable. It really is just a self-harm substitute, cuz I end up biting and clipping when I’d prefer to squeeze tacks or jab myself with safety pins, etc. Fortunately, I don’t have to fight the cutting feelings a lot anymore, to the point I don’t even know how I used to do it, but the baseline compulsion is still there.

I guess one of my resolutions is to also try to leave my mental illness alone, as well. I’m aware I just talked about my eating disorder problems, and my self-harm problems, and that they were 100% unnecessary statements. I do that a lot. At some point I took my mental illness (bipolar I with anxiety, paranoia, delusions, and sociopathy if the doctors are to be believed) and made myself a chrysalis out of it to distance me from my life. I stopped going out, which is a thing I really enjoyed doing and often even did alone, but that’s not my fault because I have anxiety and staying home was just self-care. It’s a lie, but it sounds nice, right? I have awful paranoia surrounding other people and their perceptions of me, so I just started rejecting ANY thoughts people MIGHT have about me, to the point that I just stopped exhibiting any empathy toward other human beings at all and shut myself off from all people emotionally. Not to mention that my rejection of their perception of me is so strong I stopped wearing makeup or trying to take pride in my appearance. I’ve just been phoning it in for years under the pretense that the feminist movement allows me to not wear makeup, even though I like makeup and really kind of miss having the motivation to put it on. I could go on, but my point is that I’m using my mental illness like some kind of bubble to keep myself from being responsible for my life.

I’m not the kind of person to do that. I’m not the kind of person that gives myself permission to check out because of my crazy. I’ve never taken an actual mental health day. I’ve rarely lost control of my emotions outside my home, because normal people don’t mood swing, so I’m just not allowed to do it. You go home, have a break down, get up, and go to work the next morning, because that’s what normal people are supposed to do. The few times my emotions have gotten the better of me, I just bottle it back up as fast as I can, claim I threw up a lot and that’s why my face looks this way, all tear-streaked and spotty, and continue with my day under the guise of illness. I do not give myself permission to hide behind my mental illness like it’s a reason to be different, and I know that people with mental illness will tell you how unhealthy my approach is, but it’s how I get by in life.

Anyways, I want to stop using my crazy as an excuse for the things I’m doing to myself. I’m secluding myself from people I was good friends with. I’m using my mental illness as an excuse to look proper shite. My house has never been “clean” but it’s gotten worse and my excuse is just that I’ve been depressed…. I’m depressed every damn day for some amount of time, so that’s not a great excuse for me. I have to learn to deal with that shit. I’m… I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to ever open up emotionally ever again. I reserve that for having mental breakdowns on the phone with my mom. Still, I could get over the rest. I have before. Will I be happier? Fuck no. I’ll be miserable. But… I’m fucking miserable everyday anyways. So what’s the difference between miserable and gross or miserable and eyeliner sharp enough to cut someone? At least one of those projects a sense of wellness, even if it’s an illusion built on Smashbox.

So. That’s where I’m at, guys. It’s not a great place, but it’s not the worst I’ve been.

At least we finally hired a biller…
Well… technically she’s the second biller we hired, but the first one didn’t pass the drug test and wasn’t comfortable stopping her THC meds long enough to get a clean test. For what reason, I don’t know, but I sympathize. People are using THC and other weed products for a lot of things these days. It’s unfortunate, cuz I liked that biller, but she has to do what’s best for her. This other biller seems good if she stays. Typical car industry gal, but I think she’s teachable.

Aight, I gotta go to bed. It snowed a fuck ton and I will prolly have to drive in it tomorrow since Mothership has the norovirus I had over New Year.


EDIT: I almost forgot! How could I forget?! Rick Died.

My mom’s best friend has been living with, but not married to, her significant other for 20+ years, and one day last week she went home and found him dead in the front yard. We went over immediately, obviously.

He was still lying in the yard when we got there, surrounded by a fire truck and cop cars. You’d be amazed how long it takes to get a body removed. He was out there in the cold for hours… almost three hours from when we got there. Probably three and a half hours total from being found and called in. They have to call people and take pictures and you have to see the grief counselors and stuff… it’s a lot.

We went to the viewing Friday after work. He had to be autopsied. Because she wasn’t married to him, our friend doesn’t know how he really died, though. It’s weird you can live with someone for 20+ years and not be entitled to be their next of kin at all. It didn’t seem to be the fall, so he probably had a heart attack or another stroke. He gets cremated tomorrow, and I hope that gives her some real closure, especially since his friends and family seem to be such fucks. Weddings, funerals, and holidays always bring out the absolute worst in human beings.

I haven’t seen a dead body since my grandfather died. I was really emotional about it at 14, but this time it was nothing. It’s not like I didn’t know the guy, or that I was in shock. I just… didn’t really care about the body. It was there. It was Rick. He was dead. People were crying. I just felt nothing about it, other than it was really unfair to not let the spouse sit with him. I get the investigation portion of body removal, but it was three hours of being told you can’t touch the body in your yard that used to be someone you love, and that feels so wrong. At the viewing I staid away from him, cuz, tbh, the mortuary made him look like a bad Tussaud figure. I just knew that if I got too close I’d wanna poke him or something else completely inappropriate for when you’re viewing a dead body.

So… not sure what to do about my total lack of feelings about a dead body. Makes me a little more serial killer than I’m entirely comfortable with, but maybe it just means I’d make a good mortician. I’ve considered it.


Less Full of Despair Today

Month end without a biller is hard. Year end without a biller was a nightmare I didn’t know I could half-enjoy. I like being busy, but the additional stress definitely got to me, along with everything else in my life. But, I’m doing better today, mostly.

We did some interviews and found a couple girls to bill. We decided to hire both, because we need both. I don’t think the GM intends on selling LESS cars, so if the volume continues to increase we are really going to need the help. Plus, there’s so many things we’ve been neglecting that really should be getting done. At least if we can spread the work out it’s not a daunting job, and we can get some stuff done.

In the interim, my mom/boss has gone out of her way to show appreciation for me holding the office together with her. She bought me an InstaPot, most recently. It’s a neat pressure cooker that also slow cooks, makes rice, beans, soup… it does a myriad of things, and I’m excited to use it a lot. We found a nice little 3 qt one so I’m not making a butt ton of food. She also got me an exercise bike so I can try to lose some weight, but that doesn’t get here until February.

I’m trying to stay optimistic. It’s been hard, because my anxiety is OUT OF CONTROL, but I’m still trying. At the end of the day, that’s all I can do.

Now, I have to go finish a book, cuz I’m falling behind on my book-a-week resolution already.

I’m Going To Hell : Reason #752618452QHL

I really think 2017 is going to be my year, guys.

  • One of my friends is in a stale relationship with a person in another state that they refuses to actually care about because out of state person has hurt my friend before, and out of state person is a super flake that is always a second from never seeing my friend again due to crippling depression
  • One of my friends had a significant other of over 5 years pack up all their shit and leave on Christmas Day… also, the ex is moving to Texas, where all of my friend’s other exes happen to live… my friend is literally a George Strait country song
  • My ex best friend, who totally cut me off because their significant other (turned spouse) didn’t like me, had lost a whole lot of weight on a very strict diet and exercise routine the significant other put her on… and while cyber stalking the ex-bestie I discovered that they have gained ALL their weight back… and that weight brought friends… lots of friends
  • One of my friends has been in so many short-lived, shot relationships that they’ve entered the phase where they are just horrifically bitter about literally EVERYTHING having to do with the opposite sex
  • One of my best friends pretty much doesn’t seem to care if I’m alive or dead
  • The person I see the most is so busy being caught up in trying to escape from their mental illness through escapism, that they can’t comprehend how much Mary Jane they’re smoking, so they are circling the metaphorical drain of anything resembling sobriety and I’ll have to figure out how to get away from them soon
  • One of my best friends is getting married to the person they’ve been with for like eight years

Aside from the wedding, none of these are good, obviously.

Here’s the thing, though… I tend to float when everyone around me drowns.
I don’t know why, but it’s a thing that’s been a pretty good constant in my life.

Of course, I want to see the people around me doing well. I want them to be happy, healthy, and all around prosperous. I want them to be happy single or in a good relationship. I want them to be happy with their bodies or on a road to betterment. I want them to do well in their careers or not be afraid to try a new path in life. I want nothing but good things for my friends, really.

Still, it’s a documented record of correlation that when everyone around me is dropping out of the sky, crashing and burning, with no hope for pulling themselves out of a tail spin… The sky becomes my new limit in life. So, with everyone else’s lives falling apart in a very sitcom cliche kind of way, I feel like everything for me has to get better.

Maybe this year I’ll really get into the gym again, and get down to that round 200 lb goal I have. Maybe this year I’ll find someone that I really want to spend time with and we’ll flourish into something substantial. Maybe this year I’ll manage to get my graphic design business off the ground and be able to quit my job and work from home. Maybe this year I’ll get to buy a new house that isn’t falling apart. Maybe this will really be my year!

I don’t really know, but to be honest the more friends I have whose lives crumble into little itty bitty pieces of destruction, the brighter my outlook on 2017 becomes.

I know that’s shitty.

Here’s the thing, though. Even if I weren’t taking all of this as a good omen for myself, I’m still not broken up about any of this.

  • If my friend doesn’t want to put commitment into a relationship, they can’t expect to get that back from someone… especially someone with crippling depression
  • My friend spent the first year of their relationship trying to scare the (now) ex off… it took time, but the refusal to let their ex behind their wall of defense was bound to have repercussions eventually
  • When you have a baby, your body changes… my ex best friend came from large people… being large was inevitable without really close care
  • When someone sets themselves up with shitty people, constantly, it’s going to jade them… my friend just scarred their own heart by insisting on dating trashy people
  • People move away… they forget who mattered to them before
  • Mental Illness is a helluva thing, and if you don’t take the care seriously it can turn on you… yeah, pot doesn’t cause interactions with medications, but escapism is still escapism… and it’s still a problem
  • Weddings are not sad events…. this is the only legitimately good omen I have… and I’m real happy for both of them

I can’t say for sure that my life is going to get better because my friends’ lives are in shambles… I wouldn’t WANT that to be a definite thing. I’m just saying that I think I’m going to have a good 2017… and after this shit show that we called 2016, that’s not REALLY saying that much.

Hellbent on a Better Year

NYE Mothership and I went to see The Hateful Eight. It was good. I don’t think it was what Mothership was expecting, and it wasn’t my favorite Quentin Tarintino movie, but it was good. I liked it.

When we got home I was a tad depressed that I didn’t have anywhere to go for NYE. I really didn’t wanna try to fight my way downtown, and all my friends were at this crap-ass dive bar they live at for karaoke. I don’t like karaoke and I don’t like the general population of people that attend that bar. It’s just not my scene. I decided not to dwell on it, though. Next year I’ll make better plans and do something. It’s already been decided.

Instead, I watched Pirates of the Caribbean and sketched till I got sleepy.

This year I’m going to try and sketch daily. My assignment, as decided by taking suggestions and picking my favorite, is to do something with a circle every day. It was Billie’s idea! She’s a genius that one. I can do a lot with a circle a day, and it makes the days when I’m not feeling creative easier. Last night I made it a porthole and sketched a pirate ship in it. It’s not very good, but I think I’ll do it with colored pencils tonight. I like the concept, but I’m not actually very good with black and white drawings. I’m significantly better with a color medium… Lol.
Maybe I can sell some work this year.

Also, I’m going to try and stay off Facebook for a while. I’m not actually sure that social media is good for you… I’ll only be logging in to check events. If I really wanna post something, I still have Google Plus or Tumblr… I should prolly not be on Tumblr so much, tbh… but baby steps. Lol. I love Tumblr. I’m gonna stop being on it at work, though. It’s not conducive to getting my work done.

After reflecting on everything I did NOT like about 2015, I’m trying really hard to do positive things. It’s hard for me. I’m not positive. So I’m starting small. Today at work I’m listening to some of my favorite electro-pop (Carley Rae Jepsen’s Emotion album) and enjoying wearing jeans to work.

Today I start being vegan for a month. I always forget how hard that is… they put eggs in fucking everything. I tried to buy a bag of cookies this morning… eggs. Protein bar? Eggs. Eggs fucking everywhere. Lol. Hopefully when we order lunch today I can find something acceptable from wherever we go. Fingers crossed.

And… I dunno what else. I should really get to work, though. I’ve killed an hour on the internet writing this and deleting everything off my FB. Lol.

Here’s to having a good year. If it kills me, I’m going to be happy this year, god damn it.

2016 Intentions

I’m not doing resolutions this year, but I have some things I’m going to do in 2016… they’re intentions. I might manage them, I might not.
So, in no particular order….

  • Veganuary
    • It’s good for your cholesterol
  • Take up hiking
    • Still not excited about it… still gonna do it
  • Morning affirmations
    • I have always thoughts that talking to yourself in a mirror is stupid, but I’m gonna try it anyways
      • It’s not like it can hurt, right?
  • Weight management
    • Maybe not loss… I mean, that’s the end-goal, but I’m just gonna try to eat well and not GAIN weight
    • Veganuary is gonna be full of carbs!!!
  • Sell some art
    • Just suck it up and try
  • Draw the same thing everyday
    • I took submissions for the subject matter for this project, and I think the winner was a circle
      • So I draw a circle and then either draw something in or around it, or turn it into a face or pokemon or an eye, etc.
  • Do shit just because it makes me happy
    • Somehow I lost track of the me that went out and did whatever I liked doing, even if there was no one to do it with me

So that’s the list.

In unrelated news, I’ve been talking to a seemingly nice guy. He really made my whole evening last night when we were talking about hiking. I mentioned that I wanted to start hiking, but how I can’t be in direct sunlight, and he suggested that I just wear a long sleeve cotton shirt and get a big hat… and I, being me, went, “Like an Audrey Hepburn hat?” And he goes, “YEAH! I think you could really pull that off, too!

So… picture me hiking like…


It might really real go down that way… Lol.

Nihilism & Upcoming New Year Thoughts


It’s always a weird day when you discover that you fit into a category.

I was reading through this blog. Highlights from this year include a post called “I Bashed My Face Into A Bookcase” where I detail how I met a really nice trans girl that I brought home, and how my wasted ass knocked myself out tripping over a dog, as well as a myriad of posts about how I was depressed and everything was awful, and how maybe I should go ahead and kill myself.

The year didn’t even START good. Jan 1st I’m spiralled out into a horrible depression. Then it got worse.

So what the hell is 2016 supposed to be?

The year I turn it all around? The year I actually lose the weight? The year everything falls into place?

Why. Why would that be what happens.
I’m not using question marks because I’m not actually asking.

So I just decided.
It’s the year I embrace Nihilism.

Life is meaningless. I’ve thought that for a long time, now.
So if life is meaningless I’m gonna stop taking it so fucking seriously.
I said I’d do two things this year: Veganuary & take up hiking.
Aside from that… I’m just gonna let everything the fuck go.
And maybe learn to bake single batch cookies… just because I get sick of buying cookies that go to waste since I only eat sweets like once every 3 months. I just want ONE hot, gooey, cookie.

Not doing anything for NYE, btdubz, cuz I have to work that day and the next, and that weekend… so… whatever.

Day 1: Hopelessness & Me

It’s a good thing that I don’t judge the year by the first day, because if today was a valid indication of how my year will go, then I would kill myself right now.

Why was today so bad?

It didn’t start bad. I woke up, cuddled dogs, leisurely got ready for work… Then things went awry. An employee that I loathe didn’t show up till and hour and half after we opened, I didn’t bring a vegan lunch and ended up eating NOTHING vegan because it wasn’t an option, I realized I had neglected a schedule most of the year causing a large loss in revenue, and to top it all off it’s snowing.

So I already broke the one goal I had for the year… which was vegan food.
I fucked up at work.
It’s fucking snowing.
And I am just filled with an overwhelming sense of despair.

It’s moments like this that I just want to throw everything I own away, load up the dogs in the car, and just leave…
I don’t know where I’d go, I don’t know how that could make anything better, but I just want to go and not be here anymore…

So that’s where I’m at… and… I don’t know what I’m going to do with my evening, but I guarantee that it includes crying.