Where I’m At

I got a call back on one of the jobs I submitted my resume for in Oregon! I’m not sure that I’m what they’re looking for, though… We chatted, but I haven’t heard from them since to setup a real interview.

I’d like to continue to look for a job in Oregon. I think I’d like to live in the Eugene area. I haven’t been putting my resume out like I should be, though. I’m hesitant about it, and lost some of the inflated confidence in my abilities I had when I got home from Oregon. Work just does that to me. I feel like I’m drowning there. In reality, I know it’s not the job, but the people, who wear on me. The employee that won’t even ACT like she’s busy. The GM with lofty ideas he never thinks out. The excitable employee. The employee who talks in non-sequitur riddles. It’s a lot to deal with, and that’s not even the entire office.

I hope to get back to putting out my resume, soon, but this is also buying me some time to purge the house and really think about this.

I’ve got Mothership on board to leave if we can swing it, though. She’s not attached to anything here and is probably just glad I stopped talking about moving to California where we can’t afford anything. (I have to take her with me… leaving her here would be cruel and unusual.)


My diet is… going. I’m doing the 21 Day Fix, and I thought I was doing well, but maybe not. This week I was down 5lbs… and then this morning I was back up 3. I’m going to try not to weigh except on Monday mornings… I was really disappointed in the gain, even though it’s probably accurate. I wouldn’t have seen it as a gain if I hadn’t been weighing every single day; it would have just been 2 lbs down.

I am trying really hardtop commit to the diet, but my relationship with food is so weird that it’s real hard. I’m trying not to be hard on myself, cuz I’m still down 2 lbs…


Mentally, I’m having a better time than I thought I would.

I stopped my previous self-medicating and I was honestly expecting to crash and burn. I still get swings, but aside from crying at work I’ve been okay. I’ve been good at home; I’m trying to be social; and I’m working really hard keeping myself mostly okay. Being an unmedicated bipolar is hard.

I guess I just have to keep going.


Today was Memorial Day.
I don’t know any fallen veterans, so it’s really just a fortunate day off for me.

I got up and laid grass seed this morning. Then it hailed and I got pelted trying to move my car into the garage. My head is still tender, but at least the seed got some rain. I have to remember to water it again in the morning…

I didn’t see Mothership today, but I probably should have. She’s been having really bad sciatica type pain and it makes her getting around hard. I hung out with her this weekend, though, so I guess I did my due diligence.

We binge watched the first 4 episodes of Twin Peaks: The Return. It’s a little more crazy than the original was, but considering where it picked up, I guess that’s to be expected. We were really excited about its release, so it was a good excuse to hang out and for me to make her lunch on Sunday.

Saturday we saw Pirates of the Caribbean 5. It was entertaining. Not as good as 1-3, of course, but entertaining, and I’m excited for the next two that we’ve already been promised. Cap’n Jack Sparrow is more of a caricature in this one, as characters get to be as a really good gimmick gets older, but I still had a good time. And some guy in the theater spilled churro sauce on me… so that’s fun.


I guess that’s it for me. That’s where I’m at. Hoping that this week I can come home every night and find time to try and sort some stuff, purge some stuff, and stay motivated with the idea of moving in mind. Plus, eat right. Maybe go for some walks to boost that weight loss thing I’m attempting.

Nothing Happening

I’d love to tell you that a ton of stuff has happened, and people have been great for my birthday and stuff… but no. Lol.

My birthday is Halloween. That was cool when I was little, but it’s not as good now that I’m older. People are always so tied up with Halloween parties that no one really cares for a birthday party. So I don’t do anything for my birthday anymore.

Still, not ALL my friends are questionable about it. The playmates at the Polygon remembered. Lola made me a cake! Plus, they make a point to invite me every year. I love Missa, Rhonda, and Lola. They’re good people. I should see them more. I’m going to try to see them more.

The Robot Boy came to the party with me. I wasn’t going to invite him, but I ended up doing it anyways because he’s nice and I like associating with him. I THINK he had fun. Hard to say, since he’s so terribly quiet… but we learned about space squirrels… so that’s a thing I know he enjoyed. Lol.

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My fortune from the Polygon Halloween party.

Teller: As we know, squirrels come from the moon.
Me: -nods- Wait… How do we know squirrels come from the moon?
Teller: It is known.

As for everyone else… D2 seems to be having bad coping skills with work. This week, instead of us hanging out to watch AHS, Hellevator, and My Life Is A Telenovella (reality TV trash I can’t get enough of), he ran off to the Springs. I dunno how to really help him when his shrink told him to smoke pot. I understand that pot has significantly less interactions with his meds than alcohol, but telling him that he can smoke pot just seems like escapism… I don’t approve of that… but it’s fine, I guess. People will do as they do.

Aside from that… I work on my birthday… and… yeah.

My presents from Mom are racking up to more than I ever imagined.
She does this every year… I want to complain about it, but I can’t… Lol.

  • Helped me buy Gaz (Toyota)
  • Helped me buy new phone (S7 Edge)
  • Bought me a Smart TV for my bedroom
  • Bought me a SodaStream (cuz I love coke so much)
  • Something else is coming, but she can’t remember what

So… that’s nice… but like… sometimes I feel bad about it.

But yeah… nothing that interesting going on.

Almost Thru Wk 1.

I started my new job on Monday.

Finance Assistant.

I think I’m going to like once I don’t have to ask people a question every 90 seconds.
I really hate being new… but it IS a great excuse to have with questionable customers.

I’ve been wound up and manic all week… First I did a couple days with the guy in my department. He’s a great salesman, but not great at paperwork… Watching him with customers is like watching a magic show. It’s just papers flying and mysticism. I love it, but it’s hard to learn from. I spent today and yesterday with the chick in my department. She’s like his exact opposite. Her paperwork is super clean, but she’d not as… overwhelmingly friendly. She’s still super nice, and I’m really excited to be working with her, but she’s very professional, while the guy is more laid back about things. The GM is hoping I glean off info from both and become a super finance girl! Able to be super personable and sell lots, but with a professional demeanor and clean paperwork. I’m hoping for that, too.

There’s a lot to learn. Fortunately, I know the back-end of things, so there’s a learning curve in my favor. Ten plus years in the car business helps, as well. Still, learning to sell is a whole different kind of beast, and I, as a bipolar introvert, just hope that I can get the hang out it. I’m doing okay with phone calls, at the moment, but having someone in front of me is a totally different kind of beast. Still, the lone girl on the sales floor never sold anything before and she picked it up. If she can do it with no car biz experience, I think I can do it with all my background knowledge.

I’ve decided to wrap my arms around this beast and tame it… but it’s not going to be easy or fun. Lol. It might be fun. I’m kind of having fun with it. It’s a different crowd. They love to chat. Sales people, good ones anyways, are naturally talkative. Makes sense that they’d love to talk to each other in their downtime.

I bought a car to get me to and from work efficiently, since I can’t carpool with the mothership anymore. We work such different hours now. I love it, but I can’t actually afford it… She’s going to help me out to start with. Her main concern was that I had a way to get here in snow. In recent years, the Jeep has lost its luster for snow mobility. Comes with age. It’s weird to have two cars, though. The jeep is the official designated pet vehicle, though.

Other than that… it’s impossible to sleep without Lunesta right now… Just amped as shit all the time. Not a good look for me. So much makeup.

Last weekend mothership and I went to the Arapahoe County Fair! It was a spur of the moment thing, so I didn’t bring sunscreen. Burnt my face. Had a ton of fun, though. Mom wanted to ride this thing that was a much smaller version of the Rainbow at Elitches (pictured). It just swings you around.

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We hadn’t been on a ride in a very long time… so it was REALLY FUN.

It also doesn’t help that I don’t really trust carnival/fair rides… Like, if you can take it down in a day… I shouldn’t trust my life to it… So I was borderline terrified the thing would just collapse beneath us. But both mothership and I laughed and screamed, and had more fun in a short ride than we have in a very long time.

Then we just wandered around… We saw Dock Dogs, which is dogs running and leaping off of a platform into a pool for distance. It was super cute. We looked at livestock… we did not eat… cuz… we are us and carnival food is evil. By that, of course, I mean carnival food is amazing, but our family has shitty digestive tracts…

We watched a tractor pull.
Now, I am not opposed to alternative sports. I like weird stuff…
I still have no idea what a tractor pull is a thing… They just pull a big sled for a lil bit… and I didn’t even figure out how they score it… it was super weird…
But we laughed about it. As, mothership and I do at ridiculous things.

So… things are… different.
I don’t necessarily like different… but it’s doing alright.
If I pull this off, it’s a good investment in my future… and how often can I say THAT about ANYTHING I do????? ^_^

hobbit

So, I Got The Promotion… Kinda

So, I got a promotion. I’ll be moving into Finance.

This was made official on the 11th.

I haven’t moved into the position yet, because we can’t find a replacement for me in my old desk. Title clerks in Colorado are very hard to come by… and GOOD title clerks, even more so.

We thought we had a girl. She seemed really smart.
But she’s in the hospital, now. They think she has Lupus. My heart goes out to her. That’s a raw deal, man…

On top of that, one of our billers gave her notice over the weekend. That’s kind of fine, because she’s unpleasant as shit, anyways, but that’s going to put MORE strain on the office.

So… I’m stuck here, indefinitely… but my office has been promised to me, whenever I can actually move out there to use it… and learn finance… and hopefully be good at it.

The move is really important to me, because if I play it right, it could be a financial game changer for me. Finance people make an insane amount of money. It’s a commission job… and a commission job can rake in… $20k+ a month… if you’re really good at it… I currently make like… 3-4k a month, depending on how much overtime I can justify.

Anyways… that’s where I’m at… just waiting… in this insane limbo…

Just an update.

Quick Update:
Kyrie is doing well after her eye removal. She’s back to being irritating as hell, and I only cried over it for like three days. I did enjoy being home with her for five days, though. She’s been more interested in me than usual, I guess because I took care of her through this. She just really likes me more than she used to, now. I love that. Her stitches come out April 2nd, but I’m pretty sure she’s totally over all the pain. She looks like a Mad Max villain, though. Imma get her an eye patch.

We had a terrible blizzard here in Denver on Wednesday. I attempted to get to work, spun out A LOT, couldn’t get even halfway to work, and ended up going home. The end product was above my knee, but we burned off like half of it Thursday, and more today. We’re supposed to get more tonight… but hopefully not a lot. We’ll see.

I like the IDEA of you….

Stupid Question: How do you know if you actually like a person?

Is it just me? Sometimes I don’t like people, but I like the IDEA of them.
I actually used that to break up with a guy once and he’s used it to break up with every girlfriend since. I don’t know that he really understood the concept, though.

Let me give you an example:
Envision this guy. He’s a European artist. He gets into politics with a genuine dream to make his country the best it could be. This person holds anti-smoking campaigns, pushes for laws against animal cruelty, is a vegetarian, is nominated for the Noble Peace Prize, becomes Time Magazine’s Man of the Year, gains a winning bid for the Summer Olympics for his country, and is really into “the old west.”

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Literally, this is Hitler.
Everything I just described are fun facts about Hitler.

I bet that if Hitler hadn’t gone all whackadoo he would have prolly been a pretty nice guy. What’s really scary about that realization, is that Hitler was just a dude. A seemingly normal dude that managed to go down in infamy for mass genocide and a dictatorship that people still reference.
Just a dude… liked kids… thought he was doing the right thing.
That’s scary as fuck.

My point is that on paper Hitler sounds like a fantastic person. Obviously… when you factor in the mass genocide and stuff, not such a great guy.

On a significantly less dramatic scale, this happens to me with friends. Everyone has had two friends and thought to yourself, “These are essentially the same person. I bet they’d get along great!” But when they are introduced, they inevitably hate each other. They have the same interests, the same hobbies, they both like you… and they fucking hate each other.
This is the essence of liking the idea of a person without liking them at all.

I don’t know if I really like SupaNerd or if I just like the idea of him and therefore WANT to like him.On paper he’s great. He likes Steven Universe, scifi, comic books, video games, cars, and rock shows. He has a really good job. He doesn’t have any correlation to any of my friends so he hasn’t unknowingly slept with any of them. He’s not poly (poly people love me… I don’t know why… but I hate sharing). He likes me. He’s not real pushy.

Our first date was great. I was also full of Guinness, though.
Our second date was awkward and a little lack-luster, but good.
Then he accidentally stood me up, and I was upset.
Then he had to cancel the make-up date because of work.
Then he ignored me for a month, and I was confused and kinda hurt.
Then he popped up out of nowhere and we have the best worst date, ever.
And then I wasn’t excited to see him the next day… but I did… and it was meh.
Then wanted to see me like everyday after, and it put me off because I’m a hermit.
I had to cancel last night because I had a small emotional breakdown.
And like… I invited him out tonight, but do I really want to see him?

I legitimately don’t know if I want to see him. In theory I do. In theory, he’s great and I should be so lucky to find someone with similar interests and a complete disregard for all the borderline threatening things I accidentally say. In practice, I kind of just want to go back to no one having any kind of interest in me at all. I like when he texts me. I like that he likes me. I like that he points out when I say something serial killery and laughs. I like that he wanted to walk around downtown with me in the cold. I like that he saved me from an elevator. I like that he danced with me on our first date. I like that he was so embarrassed for me to see his house because it was messy.

I just… don’t know if that’s liking HIM, or just those moments and characteristics.

It’s a weird feeling.

Trapped In An Elevator

I had a weird weekend.

Friday I was supposed to have a date. He ended up cancelling, because he didn’t feel good. I was pretty okay with it… I still left work at 4, and ended up eating Chipotle and playing Injustice, instead. I was going to go out to karaoke, but I just… didn’t really wanna.

On top of knowing that if I went out I’d smoke, and I’m making a conscious effort to NOT DO THAT, I just don’t feel like I belong at karaoke. I don’t sing, so there’s that, but it’s more than that. I’m increasingly aware that I don’t really feel like I fit in with people that I call my friends. It’s not because they’re married or have kids. It’s not because I’m single and a borderline pet hoarder. It’s how they receive me, really.

Like, I’m sure at some point in your life you’ve had a conversation with someone, maybe a parent, maybe a friend, maybe a sibling, and they’re listening to you and not being at all rude, but you could feel that they didn’t really care what you were saying. Or, that feeling when you’re talking to someone and you feel like everything you say just sounds stupid, but they don’t say that and they’re very polite. No one has told me that when I talk it’s boring or stupid, or that I blather on about nothing. I just don’t feel like people care what I say. Even if it’s a shared interest I always feel like when I talk, they are just listening to be polite… We don’t carry on conversations TOGETHER so much as THEY TALK and I add in comments as best I can…

Maybe I get that insecurity from talking to my mom. Whenever I try to tell her about something that interests me, but doesn’t fit into her interests she just gets real quiet… and I just want to curl up and die because I’m boring. She doesn’t tell me I’m boring… she just doesn’t really listen and stares at something. In recent years I’ve gained more and more interests and she has seemingly actually lost interest in some things we both used to love. I try to assume that happens to everyone, but I don’t really know, since most people I know don’t spend much time with their parents.

Anyways… I staid in.

I was really surprised with Injustice. I picked the game up for $20 at Target. People had recommended it to me, but I wasn’t expecting much since it was pretty cheap… granted it’s 3 years old, but so is Pokemon Y, and that’s still a $60 game… I am really into it, though. I love the plot. I love the game play. The characters are great and even have some depth to them. I’m actually enjoying this story better than the story for Mortal Kombat X, which I got kinda bored with in story mode. So, I foresee that eating a lot of my time in the future.

Saturday I got my hair done… put some pink and purple colors in it. Super cute stuff… and then I hung out at home till it was time to go on a date (maybe).

So, SupaNerd and I were to meet up at the 90s show I was going to. I didn’t know if he’d show up. I hadn’t checked on it, or anything, because…. in my head a sane, rational person wouldn’t be checking up on it like that. In reality… I was pretty sure I was going to be there alone, get depressed, and go home. Fortunately, he texted me. He came straight from the gym, and we joke about how I didn’t think he’d show. He took that a little personally, but between standing me up once, then cancelling on me, and then not talking to me for a month… I mean, what else SHOULD I have assumed?

He apologized, and filled me in on how terrible work has been and how hectic it’s been getting his dad ready to move out here with him. So, I opted to forgive… and thus began probably the worst date I’ve ever been on.

The pizzeria we met at was packed. We could barely get to the bar, much less find a seat. So, I, in my brilliance, thought we could go downtown. So, since he lived closer, I got his address and we agreed I’d pick him up and take him downtown. Well, my phone has no idea where he lives. So I got lost, and he had to figure out where I was and how to get to his place… WHICH WAS SO EASY ONCE I FIGURED OUT WHERE THE HELL I WAS!!! Stupid GPS.

Then I asked to use his bathroom and he was all kinds of embarrassed because it wasn’t clean. Now… I don’t live in filth, but I’m a relatively messy person with four dogs and a cat, who doesn’t dust. So, I’m like… for serial, bruh… stop it. It’s fine. And it really is. The guy doesn’t have much. He’s gotta be living in 500 sq ft and it’s sparsely furnished. In fact, he doesn’t really have furniture… He has a 3D printer and a bunch of electronic stuff where he’s building computers and shit. I just kept going, “Dude… my house is worse… stop it.”

So we went downtown. This was a bad idea for a few reasons. First, there was a hockey game. When there is a game of any kind, every single place in Denver becomes packed. We couldn’t find anywhere that we could get a drink. It was insane. Also, it’s February. Granted, it’s been great weather for February, it was windy as shit. So we got blown all over. The wind chill also made it colder than it was. So we kinda walked around the area of LoDo that I like, and then crossed the Platte to get to really real downtown.

There’s a big bridge that goes over the train tracked at Union. It looks like a boat mast. I like that bridge. I don’t like the stairs to it. There’s a lot and they’re weirdly lit… and I hate them… so while SupaNerd ran them, I took the elevator. That was fine, until the elevator on the other side broke. With me in it. At least I was on the bottom floor, or I might have been more nervous, but the doors wouldn’t open. SupaNerd was freaking out, cuz I was stuck in an elevator. Meanwhile, I called the little man that is supposed to help you get out. His techniques didn’t work, and he was sending a technician.

I took the opportunity to return a call to my friend and we laughed about me being stuck in an elevator. He had called to see if I’d go hang out with him, since he broke up with his significant other, but I was… stuck in an elevator. He found that quite funny, though. I also told him about my date, who was stuck outside the elevator. Then I realized I hadn’t seen my date in a while… and I heard something bash hard into the door… and the door opened! My date saved me! Lol. Not a graceful save, but he saved me! Lol.

We celebrated by running away from that cage and getting pizza. Well… he got pizza, and I watched him eat it, because I don’t eat in public, since my GI track always wants me to die afterward. Then we tried to go to the Rio for margs, but again it was packed… And then in a weird series of conversational events, he picked me up and dropped me. So that was fun.

We decided to just go back to his house to watch Steven Universe. That was nice.

I had to rub lotion on his back, though, because he is sunburned to hell. How? Tanning bed. He literally gave himself heat stroke in a tanning bed. Lol. It’s so ridiculous. Apparently he got self-conscious at the gym, which is not ridiculous. I don’t gym, but when I did I hated the locker room. Between the people changing in public and the old women that just walk around naked… it’s just… bad… so fucking bad…

I didn’t stay the night. We didn’t kiss. We didn’t do anything except watch Steven Universe. I did lay on him. Went home around 1am. He insisted we hang out the next day. I was not opposed.

Sunday I made cake. Here’s a blog entry all about my failed cake and my rebound attempt. Baking is hard. I also rushed around in the morning and picked some shit up, cleaned the bathroom, etc.while SupaNerd was at work. I didn’t deep clean, but I washed the sofa cover and stuff. Just things that seemed good. Since I’d seen SupaNerd’s place, I knew I could get away with not being super clean… cuz I’m just not.

We were going to go to the Aquarium or something, but he has heat stroke, and I am thousands of times more comfortable on my own turf. So he met the dogs… who only tried to kill him like twice… and we watched Steven Universe. I put aloe on his back, cuz he looks like a lobster, and let him borrow a t-shirt since his work shirt is really rough. Then… the afternoon declined into him essentially sleeping on my sofa / me. It was fine, though. I watched Steven Universe, we ordered Chinese, and when he passed out I took the opportunity to watch the last episode of Gravity Falls. It was the kind of date you usually have with someone months into it… So, it was a literal weird, but it was fine. I didn’t really mind.

I did send him home around 330 though. He really just needed to sleep, and I had more housekeeping I needed to get to. He went home and passed out… and I put in some laundry, made my 2nd cake, and played Injustice some more.

Then I watched Star vs the Forces of Evil. Why did no one tell me that show was so awesome!? I binged the entire damn thing, and I have no regrets about it.

Anyways… that’s my weekend.

I like SupaNerd. I liked him since date one. I don’t know how to tell the other guy I’ve been talking to that I have a thing I’m cultivating. Like.. I don’t wanna ghost him, cuz that’s shitty and he’s not a shitty person, but I don’t know how to address it. He wants to meet this week… and I guess I still could. It’s not like we’re dating. I dunno… I hate shit like this.