Rambling Regrets

I complain a lot.
I’m never sure if that’s a side effect of me being a Millennial, or Bipolar, or something I picked up from growing up with a depressed mother who continues to just try as hard as she can.

I mean, Millennials are KNOWN for being complainers… That’s our thing as a generation, apparently (aside from so many of us feeling worthless, not knowing what to do with our lives, being generally cynical and despondent because we don’t have a great starting place in life, debating if college is worth the life-long debt, and having an existential crisis that results in debating suicide a lot… we’re known for all that, too). I feel like it comes from having nothing else to focus on. Other generations had wars… we have troops in combat, but we’re not “at war” in a traditional sense. No one is going to draft us. We wouldn’t stand for such a thing. We aren’t a generation that collectively likes America enough to die for it, much less get bullied into dying for it. The military is seen as a way to pay for college in my generation… so mostly we worry about the future… like social security… and the president… and the crippling debt of going to college… and the sad career implications of not going to college… and where we can find housing… and so we try to push that down… and end up choking on it.

Being Bipolar impacts so many things in my life that it’s hard to say whether or not I’m just being overly Bipolar, or if this is a normal reaction for someone without a mood disorder. I know it’s a normal reaction for someone WITH one…

Then there’s learned behavior. You don’t get out of childhood without your parents imprinting something on you that you should probably work through in therapy. For me, even after years of therapy, the main things that my mom unintentionally and regrettably imprinted on me are 1, life is inevitably shit, and 2, only the threat of death should stop you from work. My mom’s clinically depressed. She used to take meds. They didn’t really do anything to stop the crushing depression, so she, like I, just deals with it as best she can. She’s not usually the hopeless kind of depressed, but the monotonous kind of depressed. You get up, you go to work, and you do that until you die. We don’t take sick days, and we don’t expect things to get better when we’re stressed out or everything has gone to shit. Unlike her, though, I don’t live in constant fear of someone firing me… I know my value, which is something she also imprinted on me. I wish she knew hers.
She also imprinted good stuff on me totally by accident… like being okay being alone and not needing anyone. She doesn’t see that as a good thing, because she’s so used to family being a big thing in her life, but since my family sucks, it’s really an overwhelmingly good thing. She also constantly worries about who I’ll have when she dies… which is not a concern I have. I’ve settled with the fact I’ll probably be alone in life after that, and I’m okay with it… Be miserable together or be miserable alone… what’s the difference?

So, the job’s going fine, I guess… but it’s been a hard couple of weeks.

I don’t do that well with first days. It’s not a lifelong thing. My first day of school was fine. I remember bits and pieces of it… and it was fine. I was excited. I made friends. It was a good day.

My first day of middle school was weird. I hadn’t made friends at my elementary school, since I only spent one year there (I changed schools twice in elementary school), so it was big and terrifying and lonely. It was topped off with the fact that I was a latch-key kid. So I’d go home and lock myself up in my house. I eventually made some friends with some anime fangirls, and aside from the barrage of kids that rode my bus that seemed to want to cleave my head open with rocks, for whatever reason (true story), middle school was mostly fine.

The first day of high school I knew that I would need to find somewhere to fit in. My middle school friends found their place pretty easily, because they were okay with what they were socially. I envied them for that, cuz I definitely was not. They were welcomed with open arms to the table top gamer/anime weebs/thespian/general nerdy geek group. I didn’t want to be part of that group. It wasn’t that I didn’t like my friends, I did, but I didn’t want to be part of a group that was one step above 1980s stereotypical AV club kids. I’d been bullied enough, and I was over it, so I picked out a different group of people thatI thought would give me some implied respect, and just forcibly joined their ranks. (Literally, I just started silently sitting next to them and wearing lots of black until someone talked to me… took like three weeks.) I also kept my old friends, though… My high school experience was a lot less like the movies I grew up watching and was more like a whole school of kids being unsure of themselves as a group and trying to make up somewhere they fit in on the fly. We all had friends in every social group. I guess it was nice, really.

My first day of college was a wreck. I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t really understand how the classes worked. I got lost. I tore all my false nails off. My hands hurt for days.

The first week of this job was hell. I dealt with lots of heater customers that I couldn’t help, which did not make them happier. I went home and cried a lot. I pulled a lot of overtime… and of course, I’m not getting paid hourly anymore, so it doesn’t matter… At the end of the week, in tears, I purchased No Man’s Sky. The idea was that it’s a game with no objective than to explore… so it would be good for relaxing. Thankfully, it worked. I love the game.

I spent a lot of the past two weeks feeling like I’m in over my head here. I probably am, but I’m realistically treading water pretty well, but it doesn’t feel that way. It definitely didn’t feel that way when my Finance guy decided to put in his 30 day notice. It wasn’t because of me, but a lot of things… and he’s sad that we won’t get to work together longer, but you do what you have to for yourself and your family. I get that.

Here’s the thing though… I’m being paid to learn finance. In exchange for that, my job is to cleanup the paperwork. Most of the problems come from the finance guy. He’s a power seller, but he’s not great at paperwork. The finance girl pulls in half as much gross, but has perfect paperwork. So, if finance guy leaves… why would they continue to pay me to learn finance? They could hire two seasoned finance people. They’re everywhere, and it’s a very money-oriented position with a lot of earning potential…

So… been freaking out about that, and trying to learn everything I can as fast as I can, but I can’t learn what they’ve been doing for decades in a matter of weeks… I definitely don’t understand leases…. but I think I can fake my way through paperwork for cash and finance deals… I don’t know that I can sell anything… which makes me less valuable…

Yesterday I was trying to get bill out done for the office, which is also in chaos. As a result, I was here for eleven hours yesterday. I didn’t eat. I went home and went straight to bed… I couldn’t do anything else. Still not hungry this morning, either… and I thought I would be… I don’t know what’s happening to me… I don’t know that I made a good decision asking for this promotion…

All I know is that I have to keep going on. If they fire me, I’ll deal with it then… just gotta keep keeping on, I guess… In true family fashion, you keep going, even if it sucks your soul out…

In lighter news, I named a planet YumYumYum Human Hand in the system of Spoopy Demon Toaster in No Man’s Sky… Here’s a link to why that’s funny.

Boy George & Bipolar

It was a weird weekend…

Saturday I was depressed after Suicide Squad. I dunno why. It kind of perked up after Mothership invited me over for dinner, though. We ordered Chinese and watched Z for Zachariah. The movie was not the post-apocalyptic joy ride I was hoping for. It was more of a chick flick disguised as post-apocalyptic flick… I don’t really recommend it to anyone looking for post-apocalyptic movies… but maybe to people that like chick flicks… I don’t like chick flicks, though, so I’m not sure if it was a good chick flick.

Sunday I woke up hating myself.
It’s not a new occurrence, or even a rare one… but I debated staying in bed and wallowing in my misery. I’ve done it a lot, especially in summer when my room is a thousand degrees (I have no AC) and it’s just an overall miserable experience. Instead, I got up and decided that if I was going to be miserable, I could be miserable and accomplish something.

I am the kind of worker that’s best under a deadline, but for things in my normal life that I don’t really want to do, I’m the kind of person that’s most motivated to work when told that I can’t do something. I dunno why… but if you try to tell me that I can’t do something I automatically want to prove you wrong and punch you. I temper that with reason. If you tell me that I can’t climb Everest… you’re right and we’ll go with that. If you tell me that I can’t climb a 14er… I will either prove you wrong or literally die trying.

This mentality can and does get me in trouble.

But, I got up and decided to do something. It helped that Keagan had an accident in the living room. I got pissed. I’m super productive when pissed. I wasn’t pissed at HIM, because he’s old and accidents happen, but I was sprang from hating myself to hating EVERYTHING. A manic rage is a really productive place for me if I channel it right. So, I put the dogs outside, cleaned up the mess, bagged up all my art shit that I’m not using and took it downstairs, disassembled the dining table and took it downstairs, and asked my mom to help me drag the sofa out to the garage. I also did some dishes.

I’m not currently artsy, too busy to find inspiration, so my art shit was just covering up my dining table, which in turn was just cluttering up my main floor. With those things out of the way I got to move the dog kennels around so that I’m not tripping over them.

The sofa and I have a love/hate relationship. I love having a sofa. I hate the accumulation of dog hair and generally how stained up it’s gotten over the years. I also hate the slip cover because to me it just looks tack as fuck. On top of that, I have the irritating habit of falling asleep on my sofa. It puts a crick in my neck and it’s a super bad habit… so I just gave in and decided it’s gotta go. Mothership is getting a dumpster when she’s off and that, the old dog chair, and some other furniture I’m purging is going in it. She will also be cleaning out her garage, so she’ll have stuff to put in it.

With my main floor mostly empty now, I feel better. I mean, I like to have things, but sometimes I clutter my own life, and it makes everything harder. I also took down a bunch of wall art that I’m just going to give to Good Will. The vampire girl Vaun gave me for my 20th birthday. The Reyes Coral Hotel sign that I held onto in hopes that I would one day reconcile with my dad. My first painting, which isn’t very good but not too bad. The butterfly pictures I stole from Vaun when he was redecorating his dad’s place.

My goal now is to get the main floor painted… Gonna do a blue-tinged white for a calming effect. After that, I wanna tackle the bathroom, then my bedroom, and I figure I can come back to the basement in the winter… ON DAY I WILL BE ABLE TO UTILIZE THE TWO ROOMS DOWN THERE!!! But I figure my current living space is more important.

I was going to try to do more in the evening, because I was exhausted by noon, but I had forgotten that Mothership and I were going to go see Culture Club. For the best, really. I probably wouldn’t have gotten anything done.

I love Boy George! And we were 2nd row from the stage… so like… bad ass seats. It was a great night out! Here are the outfits.

He looked amazing and sounded great. He’s so much fun. ^_^

The ride home was an irritation. Mom walks slow. Downtown Denver is a little shady right now, because we’ve had a rise in homeless population. I’m not saying all homeless people are dangerous, but there have been reports of interactions with them going south, recently. It’s just a thing… people keep moving here… including homeless people. I don’t know why, and I wish they’d stop. So, I had to get us back to a light rail station without her getting mugged… It was mostly fine, but I also started to get a migraine, and it makes me irritable, so I had to try and check my actual feelings and try to be upbeat.

The obnoxious white lights on the train didn’t help the migraine, and it was pretty much full blown when we got back to our station. I asked if Mothership wanted McDonald’s, since it was like 1130 and I knew she was hungry… she did… which was fine, except that it was the slowest service I’ve ever had in my life. Looked like they were short-staffed for the evening and got an unexpected rush. So we had to sit through that.

This morning I woke up and still had the migraine. It sucked. Took some Excedrin and just tried to get to work. Then when I got to work, everything went to hell.

I’m holding up oddly well for someone with bipolar and a migraine… Kinda sad, but I think I’ll make it through the day. Gotta talk to Sean about my role here, though. I’m not sure that the Finance people know how to utilize me, as much as they’re just wanting to train me to be a 3rd finance person.

Not sure how to handle that delicately…

Almost Thru Wk 1.

I started my new job on Monday.

Finance Assistant.

I think I’m going to like once I don’t have to ask people a question every 90 seconds.
I really hate being new… but it IS a great excuse to have with questionable customers.

I’ve been wound up and manic all week… First I did a couple days with the guy in my department. He’s a great salesman, but not great at paperwork… Watching him with customers is like watching a magic show. It’s just papers flying and mysticism. I love it, but it’s hard to learn from. I spent today and yesterday with the chick in my department. She’s like his exact opposite. Her paperwork is super clean, but she’d not as… overwhelmingly friendly. She’s still super nice, and I’m really excited to be working with her, but she’s very professional, while the guy is more laid back about things. The GM is hoping I glean off info from both and become a super finance girl! Able to be super personable and sell lots, but with a professional demeanor and clean paperwork. I’m hoping for that, too.

There’s a lot to learn. Fortunately, I know the back-end of things, so there’s a learning curve in my favor. Ten plus years in the car business helps, as well. Still, learning to sell is a whole different kind of beast, and I, as a bipolar introvert, just hope that I can get the hang out it. I’m doing okay with phone calls, at the moment, but having someone in front of me is a totally different kind of beast. Still, the lone girl on the sales floor never sold anything before and she picked it up. If she can do it with no car biz experience, I think I can do it with all my background knowledge.

I’ve decided to wrap my arms around this beast and tame it… but it’s not going to be easy or fun. Lol. It might be fun. I’m kind of having fun with it. It’s a different crowd. They love to chat. Sales people, good ones anyways, are naturally talkative. Makes sense that they’d love to talk to each other in their downtime.

I bought a car to get me to and from work efficiently, since I can’t carpool with the mothership anymore. We work such different hours now. I love it, but I can’t actually afford it… She’s going to help me out to start with. Her main concern was that I had a way to get here in snow. In recent years, the Jeep has lost its luster for snow mobility. Comes with age. It’s weird to have two cars, though. The jeep is the official designated pet vehicle, though.

Other than that… it’s impossible to sleep without Lunesta right now… Just amped as shit all the time. Not a good look for me. So much makeup.

Last weekend mothership and I went to the Arapahoe County Fair! It was a spur of the moment thing, so I didn’t bring sunscreen. Burnt my face. Had a ton of fun, though. Mom wanted to ride this thing that was a much smaller version of the Rainbow at Elitches (pictured). It just swings you around.

rainbow-14-04-2007-3-46-53-pm

We hadn’t been on a ride in a very long time… so it was REALLY FUN.

It also doesn’t help that I don’t really trust carnival/fair rides… Like, if you can take it down in a day… I shouldn’t trust my life to it… So I was borderline terrified the thing would just collapse beneath us. But both mothership and I laughed and screamed, and had more fun in a short ride than we have in a very long time.

Then we just wandered around… We saw Dock Dogs, which is dogs running and leaping off of a platform into a pool for distance. It was super cute. We looked at livestock… we did not eat… cuz… we are us and carnival food is evil. By that, of course, I mean carnival food is amazing, but our family has shitty digestive tracts…

We watched a tractor pull.
Now, I am not opposed to alternative sports. I like weird stuff…
I still have no idea what a tractor pull is a thing… They just pull a big sled for a lil bit… and I didn’t even figure out how they score it… it was super weird…
But we laughed about it. As, mothership and I do at ridiculous things.

So… things are… different.
I don’t necessarily like different… but it’s doing alright.
If I pull this off, it’s a good investment in my future… and how often can I say THAT about ANYTHING I do????? ^_^

hobbit

So, I Got The Promotion… Kinda

So, I got a promotion. I’ll be moving into Finance.

This was made official on the 11th.

I haven’t moved into the position yet, because we can’t find a replacement for me in my old desk. Title clerks in Colorado are very hard to come by… and GOOD title clerks, even more so.

We thought we had a girl. She seemed really smart.
But she’s in the hospital, now. They think she has Lupus. My heart goes out to her. That’s a raw deal, man…

On top of that, one of our billers gave her notice over the weekend. That’s kind of fine, because she’s unpleasant as shit, anyways, but that’s going to put MORE strain on the office.

So… I’m stuck here, indefinitely… but my office has been promised to me, whenever I can actually move out there to use it… and learn finance… and hopefully be good at it.

The move is really important to me, because if I play it right, it could be a financial game changer for me. Finance people make an insane amount of money. It’s a commission job… and a commission job can rake in… $20k+ a month… if you’re really good at it… I currently make like… 3-4k a month, depending on how much overtime I can justify.

Anyways… that’s where I’m at… just waiting… in this insane limbo…

Wizarding Houses

So, apparently JK Rowling has created a North American Wizarding School. It’s name is Ilvermorny. 

Let’s be clear: I am not now, nor have I ever been much of a Potterhead. I only read 3.5 books and watched all the movies through once. Still, I always wanted to go to motherfucking Hogwarts. I mean, what kid didn’t? If you didn’t want to go to Hogwarts and learn magic, you… I was gonna say you were the weird kid, but honestly the Potterhead kids are pretty odd to start with. It just seemed like an adventure. Also, I wanted to go to boarding school since I saw The Little Princess.


Yes, the movie is about her becoming an orphan indentured servant, but look at that bedroom! Also, my life as a kid, while not unhappy, was kinda lonely. I didn’t know many kids growing up and boarding school is FULL OF KIDS and learning. I liked those things, so I was the weird kid that wanted to go to boarding school.

Anyways. Hogwarts. Badass. More badass was the movie rendition of my beloved magical boarding school. I remember seeing that movie and my heart lighting up with want to go there. I didn’t wanna be Harry. I didn’t want to fight the forces of evil, really. I just wanted to go and learn whatever they would teach me, and grow up to be a powerful, cunning witch with all the potential in the universe before me.


Even before the quizzes for the sorting placement, I knew that I was Slytherin. It’s not that I thought I was evil, because Slytherins aren’t necessarily evil, but it’s that I related. I’m smart, smart as any Ravenclaw I’d wager, but where Ravenclaws are logical, I am cunning. It’s not the most logical answer that is always important, but the impact of the answer. I like the notion of being respected, even to the point of fear. I like being the smartest person in the room. I like people owing me so I can collect on favors later. I might be evil.

Eventually the Pottermore test told me what I already knew, and while not a Potterhead, I wore that label with pride. I was, admittedly, irritated when my friend, a supposed Ravenclaws, tested into Slytherin on Pottermore. I feel my pretentious attitude is just more Slytherin traits… But to me it just add up. Lol. I’ve since let it go.

To hear of new houses I could join was fascinating. It was, however, no surprise that I ended up in Horned Serpent.


I got snakes in my blood! Lol. 

I don’t know much about the new houses. I imagine I will learn more as the story they belong to takes relevance.

I just wanted to share.

Also… I got a promotion. Still working on getting into the actual office, but it’s going to happen sooner threat her than later. With that, I predict I will have a nervous breakdown later this year. But… I may be making bank money by then. So that would help.

Updates: All Crammed Together

I keep saying that I’m going to make a YouTube channel… but I just can’t figure out how to start. I’m thinking of just posting videos with the air of, “Yeah, I’ve been making videos for years. If you like it, you should subscribe and be part of the cool kids that follow me on YouTube. New videos every Sunday.” Essentially just fake it until I get any kind of real following. I’m not sure if that’s a good approach or not, but it’s what I’m thinking of doing.

Just imagine it… I get some followers who freak out, because I’m perpetually referencing things that happened in videos that were never actually made…
“So as you might recall from last year…”
What? You only have four videos…
WHAT DID I MISS?!
And then if/when I get any kind of actual following I can do flashback skit vids, in which I dress like a scene girl or a goth or something, and pretend I’m 12… and just say something a retarded kid would say in a YouTube vid. Yes… I kind of like that idea. And my real vids will be shot with my nice Nikon camera… and I’ll shoot my throwback vids on my laptop cam, or ipad cam… yes… that could be a lot of fun, and it can be a running theme of my vids to do flashback skits… hrm… ideas.

Is it sad that that’s almost all I have to talk about right now?
Yeah, kinda.


Let’s see… so I had a three day weekend. Thursday when I got home, though, the ceiling panel to my attic space had fallen out. That’s spooky. That’s how god damn horror movies start, for fuck sake. So I was paranoid as hell about that… That was really the perfect topping on my good day gone disappointing, for you see, I was supposed to go on a date. Date cancelled last minute… and actually, when I looked at their profile this morning, they’ve deleted themselves from the site entirely. So… that was shitty. Friday, after NOT being murdered by the chick from the Grudge, who I was certain prolly lived in my attic…

Grudge

This is exactly what I envisioned waking up to in the middle of the night.

I didn’t really do much Friday, to be honest with you. I wanted to. I’d love to accomplish all kinds of thing with my days off, but I suffer from a complete lack of motivation to do anything unless it relates to me being able to keep living… That’s literally the only reason I get up in the morning for work. So I pretty much did nothing…

AND THEN THE TORNADO SIRENS STARTED.

If you don’t know, we have weird weather in Colorado. April blizzards, give way to May thunderstorms, which cause floods, and then trigger June tornado season, which will, in turn, evolve into high temperatures and the whole state being on fire during July and August… It doesn’t rhyme, but it’s the accurate analysis. So there I was, I was at home, deciding to do the only thing I’d done all day, which was to get Chipotle for lunch, when the sirens started to go off. I am terrified of tornado sirens. I don’t know why. I’ve never been in a tornado. I’ve been in hurricanes, when I lived in FL, but not tornadoes. We’ve seen tornadoes here, living close to the plains, as we do. We’ve seen one nearly touch down on our street, though it didn’t do damage to anything. Mostly, though, the ever steady march Eastward makes the chances of getting legit hit by a tornado in my area smaller every year.

Still, the fucking siren is god awful. I guess it’s because no one associates that noise, which I refer to as an air raid siren, with good thing. They never sound a siren when you’re winning a house, or when candy is going to fall from the sky. Sirens mean that we are under attack or that mother nature herself is debating if she’s going to murder you today. Also… SILENT HILL.

I joke about Colorado being a lot like Silent Hill, all the time. We get weird fog. We have air raid sirens. We catch on fire a lot, so it can rain ash. Plus there’s that whole mountain terrain thing. All in all, Colorado isn’t nearly as terrifying as Silent Hill, but we have many discomforting parallels.

The only editing was to make this image sepia and drop in the characters... Like I said... Colorado is much like Silent Hill.

The only editing was to make this image sepia and drop in the characters… Like I said… Colorado is much like Silent Hill.

Anyways, I ventured out in spite of the sirens and got my beloved burrito bowl. When I got home… there were more sirens. The sirens probably went off every 30-45 minutes for the rest of the day. Even if you aren’t scared of the sirens, that’s REALLY FUCKING UNNERVING. It didn’t help that the weather and radar apps on my phone would go off right after the sirens to confirm the tornado warning, nor did it help that the only person I managed to get a hold of was my terrified friend 2 miles away who was locked in her house drinking wine and sending me SnapChats of “YES, IT’S FREAKING TERRIFYING. I SHALL LET YOU KNOW WHEN WE ARE GOING TO DIE.”

Fortunately, the panic attack about dying passed as I got closer to when I needed to get ready to go to derby. I hadn’t been to a Women’s Flat Track Roller Derby bout in a long, long time. I was really excited! But I also hate going to the venue. Lol. The Fillmore, while lovely on the inside and definitely historic as it opened in 1907, has really shitty parking in a shitty part of town. There is NO WHERE to park in that area. It’s insane. But I found a spot 2 blocks away, and I thought that would be good. The bout was great. Here are some pics.

Fillmore 20150605_181151

After the bout we went to the Wendy’s next door. Here’s the thing about that… this is all on Colfax: a notorious street in Denver famed for housing meth heads and prostitutes (who are assumed to also be meth heads). In spite of the work they’ve done to try and revitalize Colfax, mostly by turning parts of it into an art district, this particular area is still pretty much a lot of meth heads. So the Wendy’s had a bunch of them sleeping in the front… and one woman wandering around trying to score more meth… She could have been 30 for all I know, but she looked like the Crypt Keeper with boobs. It was awful.

So my friend convinced me to hit karaoke, and I convinced her husband to take us to my car, since he wasn’t gonna go to karaoke and I didn’t wanna walk 2 and a half blocks past that many meth heads. They come out at night like some kind of nightmare creatures. I can only assume they live in the sewers, as I never see them during the day. They are not to be confused with the masses of homeless that live on Colfax, either. Those are two VERY different groups of people.

Karaoke was a bore. I don’t even actually like it anymore, but I like seeing my karaoke diva friend, so I staid for like an hour.

Saturday I got woken up by a text from the Saturday receptionist at work. She was headed to the ER, so that meant someone needed to cover her and help train the new Saturday receptionist… I called boss lady and told her, so boss lady went into work, and finally managed to get two office girls to come in and split the day with the new woman. That was good, because before that it was looking like it was going to be me… and I was so bummed about it, since I was supposed to be on vacation.

Mom and I saw Insidious 3 that afternoon. I can’t say it was GOOD, but I didn’t feel like I wasted my money. I’ve never been that fond of the Insidious franchise, but it was the only thing that sounded interesting. It wasn’t too bad, which is all you can ask from most horror these days.

Sunday, Mom came over to assess the hole where my attic panel should be. Then we went to Lowe’s without measuring it… eventually decided on a fix that didn’t require ANYTHING from Lowe’s… and then we hit the pharmacy and the grocery. I thought I was gonna overdraw my bank account at the grocery… I’m always so broke this time of month… but I didn’t! And that’s what’s important.


Today boss lady proposed a raise and job change to me.

Our old title clerk left for a better job a while back, and her replacement, for lack of a better word choice, sucks. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. Everything gets rejected, and while they write ON THE RETURN FORM why the title got rejected, she’s incapable of correcting it, noting the error, and not doing it again. She’s also terribly disorganized, and has no idea how basic and easy this job could really be. It’s been infuriating for the boss lady, and annoying to me, because I have to hear about it.

So… boss lady suggested to me that I learn titles. Then we’d train some other people to do my job.

I’m pretty sure I can do it. It’s very repetitive work… I’m uniquely organized at work… and, hell… I could use a raise.

So… that’s exciting. I’m really happy about it.


I am NOT happy about my dating life. Every time something fails it just feels more and more like I’m never going to find anyone. Also, I get grossed out every time someone wants to fuck me. It’s just gross. Like, can we get to know each other before I compromise my comfort level to accommodate what you think is a basic human need? I understand normal people like sex. It’s supposedly very fun, and great… but like… I don’t. I want someone to hang out with and drag to metal shows, and lay around with me on a Sunday while we play old video games and order Thai food…

No one is into that idea… And it’s totally devastating.

I think dating was easier before I realized that not feeling sexual attraction and not liking sex is a thing with a name and a community. Sex was just part of the deal. You put out to lure them in… and… it’s just something you do in exchange for their time. Now I’m like, “No… why would I want to fuck you? Can’t we NOT do that, but do everything else in a relationship? Why am I the one that has to compromise? Also, while we’re at it, can you NOT be a clingy, sappy, totally grosstastic mess over me? Like can I just live?”

Being asexual and aromantic, as interesting as it is, and as nice as it is to have words for my feelings…. is fucking terrible. I mean no one wants to die alone… but the only way to get someone to stay with you is a relationship, and the only way you seem to be able to entice people to a relationship these days is by letting them fuck you… and I’m just plain grossed out by all of it. In the event I could land a relationship, I’d figure out the sex part… but like… do we have to start there? Do we? Cuz I fucking veto that. It’s unacceptable.

I actually had someone tell me today that sex is basic human interaction.
NO. No it is not.
Think of all your friends, relatives, acquaintances, and people you meet on the bus. If you have fucked all those people… then sure, maybe sex is basic human interaction. If you have not, then you’re like me and can relate to people without slapping your genitalia together in a sweaty repetitive motion. Like… what is the world like for that person? Have they fucked their parents, grandparents, school teachers, and grocery cashiers? I need to know.

Even my most sex positive, totally promiscuous, polyamorous friends don’t fuck EVERYONE THEY HAVE EVER KNOWN. A lot of people, sure, cuz that’s their lifestyle and it’s great that they can have those kinds of open relationships with people… but like, they haven’t fucked me, or their relatives, or our mutual friends… which implies to me that FUCKING IS NOT BASIC HUMAN INTERACTION.

So… yeah… I’m gonna die alone… and everyone in the world that wants to fuck me is apparently is terrible.