Recurrence

So I had a panic attack last night, and I was like, “I’ll read to relax.” And I have this stack of books to read that are now movies (Rosemary’s Baby, Alien, The Godfather, etc), and I panicked because my copy of Jaws was missing… and my brain is like

“Why would someone break into the house just to steal your copy of Jaws?!”

And it was really unsettling because I couldn’t find it anywhere. I almost tore the bookcase apart trying to find it. It wasn’t till this morning I remembered I didn’t own a copy of Jaws… it was just on a wishlist for Thrift Books… so I bought a copy of Jaws, but from eBay, because it was cheaper. (I also have the whole Logan’s run trilogy coming!)

So… there’s that, coupled with random crying fits I keep having, and inexplicable mood swings, and random, unprovoked bouts of irritation… My symptoms are coming back.

When Keagan died I was devastated. I felt sad, but also empty. I know, however, that being sad when a loved one dies is normal, so I didn’t contact my shrink about it. I assumed that as time went on and I recovered from the trauma of losing my soul mate, my moods would get better. They kind of leveled out, but I never got back to normal.

I got Frankie on impulse… which should have been a red flag, but I was so overjoyed to have her, and I don’t regret getting her… but she was a $600 puppy that I didn’t need and couldn’t really afford. She makes me really happy, but also the stress of raising a really real tiny baby puppy is getting to me. I can’t always play with her like I should, and I let her training go to the wayside already. I can recognize it, but I’m unsure how I’ll manage to change it.

I’ve let myself get wrapped up in the idea of Chris… I like him and all, but I’m being weird obsessive about it. He’s a dude with a kid who works retail and lives with his parents… oh and he’s still married. Like.. I need to calm down. It’s fine to like him, but I have been obsessed with him for days… it’s been irrational.

These are all things I’ll have to address with my shrink. I don’t want to. I don’t like the idea of messing with my meds, but I can’t keep going home and crying, or impulse buying book series, animals, and whatnot. My eating is weird. My sleep is weird. I’m back to not wanting to get out of bed, but feeling bad about myself if I don’t. I can’t focus enough to do anything… I’m always one stray thought away from bawling…

I’m angry, frustrated, disappointed… I was doing so much better. I felt better. I was happy. And here I am feeling like I’m spiraling toward a drain right back to where I was before I got on meds. It’s just… devastating.

The good news is that I have a plan of action… the bad news is I have to survive until we get it worked out… and that’s harder than you might think.

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