The Nice Robot Boy

A while back, not really sure how long (roughly June), but a while back I met a guy from the internet. This isn’t new behavior for me. He seemed really nice and pretty interesting, so I agreed to meet him at a local goth bar for a drink.

Neither of us are real gothy. I don’t actually think he EVER was, but it’s a place he likes in Denver, and I always liked the look and feel of Double Daughters myself… so whatever. We were both early. We were both awkward. We got into an argument about whether baby would be best served with white or brown gravy… White… obviously…

It was a particularly strange time, but it was fun.

Then some time passed, and he asked me out again. During the passage of time, which might’ve been over a month, to be honest, we chatted on Facebook. We’re both introvert-y kinds of people, so it was really pretty fine. Also, I wasn’t ACHING to go on another date. I like having plans, but I’m still real unsure about the whole romantic thing at this point in my life… seems so unnecessary. Also I’m aromantic, so like… I’m okay with distance… We chatted regularly, though. He always gets my attention the same way, which is that he says, “beep.” I often reply with “boop.” Together we are strange as the day is long.

He’s a robot boy… I am an android girl. We are very awkward.

So we went to a Hawaiian place with the intent of getting Spam tacos (which are decided better tasting than they sound… Hawaiians really know how to cook Spam). We ended up eating Cuban sandwiches and playing Pokemon GO. I took my first gym that day. It was awesome.

Then there was time again.

He asked me and a friend to come up and play Pathfinder with him and some friends. They do it every Friday, I guess. It was a LONG MFing drive… and it cost me $21 because taking the toll road seemed faster than going around. It was a weirdly good time. Not a lot happened story-wise, but it was hilarious. I was an Orc Rouge… so that was neat. My friend was a Gnome Mage. That was hilarious.

Then more time… and then…

We, being overweight taco lovers, decided to get tacos for real this time. We went to Torchy’s, which I’d never been to, and it turns out he hadn’t been to it, either. It was a good time. Good taco. Then, we couldn’t decide what to do. His friends were one direction on Broadway, mine were the opposite. We went with mine, cuz I figured we’d make an appearance, then we could go hang out with his friends who were out drinking like monsters.

My friends were playing a 90s set at a lil bar/record store. Their band is a ridiculous acoustic cover band that incorporates the use of kazoo… so it’s a good time. We hung out till well after the set ended and talked and laughed. It was a lot of fun.

This time, there was no time in between. He invited me up to his place for a bad movie night. His apartment complex is 45 mins away from me. So there’s that. Also, it’s like a weird horror movie setup. It’s on top of this hill and it looks like an insane asylum or something. It’s huge. Nice apartment, though. We had a great time. I showed him The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera and Tusk, and he showed me The Room, which is awful…

We’re supposed to get together this weekend, too, but I don’t know what we’ll do.

I like him. I don’t wanna have sex with him, though… that asexuality thing is a bitch… I don’t even really like kissing him… but I don’t like kissing anyone… so that’s not saying much. I’m worried that might be a problem later, though… We’ll see, I guess.

Anyways… met me a robot boy.

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And… I’m Out

SHIT THAT CROSSES THE LINE:
Not taking shit I say seriously.
Withholding important information.

Last night I went to a movie with SupaNerd. The last entry toyed with the idea that I wasn’t sure that I liked him, so much as I wanted to like him. That thought hadn’t left my mind, but he asked and I like having plans. So we went to see Zootopia. I actually saw it yesterday morning with mothership, but it’s a really good movie. It’s a really good movie about discrimination, and equality, and I was really impressed with the whole thing. I hadn’t heard any reviews, and no one I knew was excited to see it, so I was just going because I like having breakfast with the mothership and watching a movie. Anyways, SupaNerd didn’t get off work till 8, so by the time he swung by to pick me up we had limited viewing options. Fortunately it’s a good movie.

Now, I know that I have a lot of pet peeves. Too many: I’ll throw it out there that I have too many pet peeves, but if I tell you that I have pet peeve that’s not a playful invitation to irritate me until I want to bash your teeth out with a brick. In fact, I would not recommend that. I have been known to enact physical violence on people that poke at a pet peeve. I don’t have a good tolerance for it.

That being said, when SupaNerd first tried to touch my curly hair, I told him I don’t play that. I also let him know that I smacked a bitch at work for touching my hair. It’s a thing. I like space. Stay the fuck away from my face and/or hair. I was nice about it. I didn’t snap at him. I didn’t swat his hand away. I didn’t punch him in the throat. I later decided that I should have prolly punched him in the throat, cuz all he did was proceed to poke at my face and hair. I hate that shit. I hate it so much…

I kind of hate people touching me at all. For whatever reason, he feels the need to do it constantly. My mom says my dad was like that, too. Just had to touch her ALL THE TIME. Why? Why can’t you just be a human being over there in your own human being bubble? There’s a time and place, motherfucker. You don’t need to touch me all the time. Since he was a such a fuckwad about my face and hair pet peeve, I allowed him to touch my thigh, instead. I still didn’t like it. I still hated it. I still wanted to beat his face in with something hard and sandpapery. Still, it was better than him trying to fuck with my face.

Another pet peeve is being OVERLY cheap. You wanna use a coupon on our date? Great. Whip that shit out. What else you got a coupon for? You wanna argue with a waitress about the DOLLAR that it costs to sub out french fries for sweet potato fries? Too cheap. He managed to con her into sending out a refill on my coke cray-early so he could have a free coke, since he was ordering water. Really? REALLY? 

Now, if he was cray broke and counting every penny, I could understand being cheap, but I still think it’s some rude ass shit to argue with a powerless waitress about the price of Coca-Cola and fries… Thing is, though, he’s not broke. He’s got a really good job. We discussed this previously because he eats shrimp and scallops all the damn time. I can’t afford shrimp and scallops on the daily, but he can. Can he afford that because he’s arguing with waitresses over a dollar? No. I don’t think so. It’s unnecessarily cheap, and it’s motherfucking rude. That waitress didn’t make the prices. I wanted to curl up and die… 

So, then we were watching previews. There’s this movie coming out called Storks. Looks cute, but makes me cringe cuz it’s about babies. Out of nowhere, SupaNerd says: “That’s how I’m going to teach Johnny about where babies come from.” Who’s Johnny? I, too, was curious. Nephew? I know his sister has a kid. Little brother? Cousin, perhaps?

NOPE. HE HAS A KID.

Now, don’t misread me. I don’t mind people with kids. I’ve dated a number of guys that had kids. I love other people’s kids. I could totally be a step-mom. What pissed me off is that it’s been too fucking long to have not mentioned this previously. His defense was simply that he forgot to mention it. Whoops.

Fuck that noise.

If you can forget to mention that you have procreated… what else have you neglected to tell me? Are you married? Are you married to like seven different people across the US who all have the same story of you leaving your wife and six children behind? Are you a felon? Do you have the Herp? Are you a Russian sleeper cell sent here by Vladimir Putin to recruit me? Are you the leader of a new cult and you need me to be the creepy serial-killery enforcer at your side? Do you sacrifice infants to the dark lord under a blood moon to gain the knowledge of the universe and the powers of night?

This kid is like new, too. New enough to need a talk about where babies come from. Like… A, when does he ever see little Johnny? Is that REALLY why he goes back to Wichita every other week? 2, Why does the mother have full custody? It’s not the 80s anymore… a father can get full custody, especially if the mother is as cray as he’d have me believe she is. D, HOW DO YOU FUCKING FORGET TO MENTION THAT YOU HAVE OFFSPRING?! That’s a big thing.

Also, he tried to fucking talk to me during the movie… at a fucking theater.
I was so irritated that the sound of his laughter made me want to kill him.

It was all just the topping on the bad ju-ju cake.
I can’t trust him. I can’t tolerate his touchy-feely habit. I already felt like he was clingy and needy. He’s cheap to the point of rudeness. He makes gross noises when he eats, breathes, or generally exists. (Mucus problem? Idk.) He talks during movies. I’d rather have been on a play-date with a 6 year old. It was so bad.

So… I thought about it, and ghosting him wasn’t on the table, because I was in too deep. My friend in California agreed. My friend in Australia said I should just use the kid as a card to play, since a normal person might call it off because they “want to take that journey with someone for the first time.” Which is gross…

I didn’t wanna lie… so I ghosted him, and I don’t give a fuck.

This guy stood me up once. Then ignored me for a month. Then acts like a  freaking needy child AND FORGETS TO TELL ME HE HAS A CHILD. Is it shitty to ghost people? Yes. It’s shitty and total fuckery. And I regret nothing.

I don’t have time for the “but why”  and all the attempts to justify everything they did wrong. Even if you don’t answer their questions, they try to justify everything… and then they might get mad. He might secretly be a psycho. He’s got a shitty “I’m always right” attitude anyways. You should hear the shit he says about his sister just because she’s a single mother. So then a bitch starts to think… would he get more angry if I ignore him or if I tell him it’s over. What if he shows up to my house in an angry fit? These are the things a woman has to consider. Fortunately, I have four dogs and I say creepy serial-killery shit all the time, so he’s naturally a bit wary, but I wouldn’t write him off. He could still snap.

So… that’s the end. I’m out.

I deleted my dating profiles. I’m okay alone. I like being alone. I have honestly missed not having to text people. Yeah, I’d like someone to do stuff with, but I still hold out hope that one of these days I’ll meet someone when I’m out doing the stuff I like to do, and we can build off that…

I like the IDEA of you….

Stupid Question: How do you know if you actually like a person?

Is it just me? Sometimes I don’t like people, but I like the IDEA of them.
I actually used that to break up with a guy once and he’s used it to break up with every girlfriend since. I don’t know that he really understood the concept, though.

Let me give you an example:
Envision this guy. He’s a European artist. He gets into politics with a genuine dream to make his country the best it could be. This person holds anti-smoking campaigns, pushes for laws against animal cruelty, is a vegetarian, is nominated for the Noble Peace Prize, becomes Time Magazine’s Man of the Year, gains a winning bid for the Summer Olympics for his country, and is really into “the old west.”

9297ed279d632a17a812b52c7fbd6601

Literally, this is Hitler.
Everything I just described are fun facts about Hitler.

I bet that if Hitler hadn’t gone all whackadoo he would have prolly been a pretty nice guy. What’s really scary about that realization, is that Hitler was just a dude. A seemingly normal dude that managed to go down in infamy for mass genocide and a dictatorship that people still reference.
Just a dude… liked kids… thought he was doing the right thing.
That’s scary as fuck.

My point is that on paper Hitler sounds like a fantastic person. Obviously… when you factor in the mass genocide and stuff, not such a great guy.

On a significantly less dramatic scale, this happens to me with friends. Everyone has had two friends and thought to yourself, “These are essentially the same person. I bet they’d get along great!” But when they are introduced, they inevitably hate each other. They have the same interests, the same hobbies, they both like you… and they fucking hate each other.
This is the essence of liking the idea of a person without liking them at all.

I don’t know if I really like SupaNerd or if I just like the idea of him and therefore WANT to like him.On paper he’s great. He likes Steven Universe, scifi, comic books, video games, cars, and rock shows. He has a really good job. He doesn’t have any correlation to any of my friends so he hasn’t unknowingly slept with any of them. He’s not poly (poly people love me… I don’t know why… but I hate sharing). He likes me. He’s not real pushy.

Our first date was great. I was also full of Guinness, though.
Our second date was awkward and a little lack-luster, but good.
Then he accidentally stood me up, and I was upset.
Then he had to cancel the make-up date because of work.
Then he ignored me for a month, and I was confused and kinda hurt.
Then he popped up out of nowhere and we have the best worst date, ever.
And then I wasn’t excited to see him the next day… but I did… and it was meh.
Then wanted to see me like everyday after, and it put me off because I’m a hermit.
I had to cancel last night because I had a small emotional breakdown.
And like… I invited him out tonight, but do I really want to see him?

I legitimately don’t know if I want to see him. In theory I do. In theory, he’s great and I should be so lucky to find someone with similar interests and a complete disregard for all the borderline threatening things I accidentally say. In practice, I kind of just want to go back to no one having any kind of interest in me at all. I like when he texts me. I like that he likes me. I like that he points out when I say something serial killery and laughs. I like that he wanted to walk around downtown with me in the cold. I like that he saved me from an elevator. I like that he danced with me on our first date. I like that he was so embarrassed for me to see his house because it was messy.

I just… don’t know if that’s liking HIM, or just those moments and characteristics.

It’s a weird feeling.

Is it needy, or am I cray?

What is “needy” defined as?
Well… Urban Dictionary defines it as:

image

Okay, so then what is a normative amount of attention?

I don’t fucking know.

So, SupaNerd and I went out on Saturday and he came over Sunday. There’s whole entry about it. Monday he wanted to hang out again. I didn’t give it much thought because I was laid up with a migraine that I was convinced was going to split my head open and Athena would pop out. (Greek Mythology for the win.) Yesterday he asked me to dinner.

Okay, so I don’t know what the normative amount of attention is, but I am of the mind that wanting to see someone every single day is bordering on needy. Like, we’re not even dating in an official, exclusive capacity. He is a guy I’ve been out with under the pretense of a date four times. He’s not my boyfriend, and I’m not even really sure if I want him to be. I’m still working it out…

Was I mad he ignored me for a month?
Yes, but flipping a 180 and wanting to see me every single day isn’t what I’m looking for, either.

Is it okay that he texts me everyday?
Sure. I have no problem with that. I’ll text anyone every single day. Not constantly, but I’ll get back to you. Text me all you want.

But isn’t it nice he wants to see you?
Yeah, sure, but I’m not the kind of person that abandons their entire life for a significant other… you become part of my life, not the center of it.

If you like him, why wouldn’t you want to see him?
I have shit to do. I have hobbies. I have four dogs and a cat to hang out with. I have video games to play, things to draw, crafts to make, cakes to bake, laundry to do. I like time with myself. It’s a me thing.

You need to put in some time with a person or they won’t wanna see you at all.
I did put in time. I put in two consecutive days. One of which I spent partially trapped under his lifeless body in the most non-sexy way ever.

Aren’t you just trying to self-sabotage because you like him and he likes you back?
I don’t think so, no. I’m all for seeing him… Thursday through Saturday. I like being alone during the week. It’s the same as when someone stays the night and then they sleep in. I fucking hate that. Get out of my house. I have things to do. I don’t have the time or patience to wait for you to wake up… and no I don’t wanna go to breakfast.

How did this turn into a third person conversation when you started out talking to yourself rhetorically?
I don’t know… it happens.

So look. Here’s the thing. I like a certain amount of privacy. I’m not a needy girl (as I have previously stated a number of times). I am a strong independent woman that doesn’t need a man. If I’m choosing to spend time with a guy, it’s because I find them interesting as a person. That’s me. At no point do I want to see ANYONE every single day, though. I kind of wish that I got to see completely different people at work everyday. Like… These people get too friendly.

Still, I’ve been single for a long, long time… so I turned to other people in my life to determine if I’m overreacting or if it’s legit weird. My lawyer bestie totally thinks it’s needy. He, like me, thinks seeing someone on the daily is needy. Like… get a hobby. My AU friend doesn’t really seem to think that’s needy… But low-key think he’s prolly the kind of guy that would be super needy… I’ve also taken to calling him a sexual deviant, because he mostly talks about sex. He’s obsessed… and not getting any. It’s weird.

I asked my mom, and she flipped shit on me for it.
No, apparently wanting to see someone on the daily isn’t needy. Also, why haven’t I kissed him yet? How’s he supposed to know I’m interested if I haven’t kissed him? What if he lived with me? Then we’d see each other daily. That’s not weird. I need to stop blowing him off right off the bat. I was all upset he didn’t talk to me for a month and now I’m all upset that he wants to see. What’s wrong with me? How am I supposed to get married if I treat people this way? Why do I have to be so abrasive? He seems fine, so I need to give him a chance. I don’t want to end up old and alone like my mother. She didn’t think about that when she was younger and now she regrets being all alone. She should have focused more on real relationships. She was worried when I used to be away from the house all the time and staid at my boyfriend’s place in my early 20s. Now she’s worried because I stay holed up in my house and don’t talk to real people. Talking to people on the internet isn’t really socializing, you know. It’s not healthy. She just worries. All the time. What will I do when she’s dead? Have I considered that? One day she’s gonna die, and if I’m not married, then what will I do? I’m gonna be all alone like her if I don’t stop being so damn abrasive to people and tied one down. Being independent is overrated. It would be better if I found a man to take of me.My mother totally low-key wishes I’d just fall madly in love with someone and get married. Actually… it’s not at all low-key. She tells me all the time.

Mostly to appease my mother I arranged to see him Thursday night. It gets him off my back for a few days, and makes my mother shut up. Win-win.

What really irritates me, is that I’ve explained to him more than once that I don’t eat in public… or with people. I have a GI problem. It’s awful. We went out Saturday, he got pizza, and I watched him eat it. I wanted some. I wanted some REAL BAD. I can’t eat it in public, though. On Sunday I took pills so I could eat Chinese food with him without doubling over in extreme pain 20 mins later. I still got sick, but he was passed out, so that was fine. If I eat, there’s a 90% chance I’m going to be violently ill. VIOLENTLY ILL. I’ve explained this, but he keeps trying to get me to do food-related things. I’m like… fucking stop and listen to me.

Tuesday he wanted to make me dinner. It’s a nice gesture. It’s very sweet. I appreciate it… but I prolly can’t eat it. I could take a pill, and then it won’t be painfully violent, but I’ll prolly still be extremely sick. I need to see GI specialist. It’s on my list of shit to do, right after get Kyrie’s glaucoma eye removed and see a bariatric specialist. We’ve been over this. I don’t like when people don’t listen. It drives me fucking insane. I’m not gonna cave and eat just because you keep asking. I’m going to dodge it at every single turn. We are never going to have a really real food date. We’re not doing breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, supper, or apps. I’m not going to eat your food. I dunno how you cook, and being violently ill isn’t a thing I like. THINK OF ANOTHER FUCKING ACTIVITY THAT HUMANS DO TOGETHER… FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE HOLY IN THE UNIVERSE.

I just… I dunno.
Is it just me? Do I give off the vibe of, prolly needy and loves to eat?
Like, yeah, I’m a fat girl that brought up the fact it felt like I was being ghosted, but that doesn’t mean I’m needy. It means I fucking see you trying to ghost me… be a fucking man and tell me why you’ve been ignoring me for a month!!! And also, I have a larger mass than other people!!! That’s all it fucking means.

I dunno. Someone tell me if I’m being irrational. Please. Please do.

Mixed Signals

It’s occurred to me that I am sending out the most ridiculous mixed signals ever.

I’ve been single so long that any traditional signs of affection just register as needy and clingy to me. I realized this was a problem when SupaNerd left on Sunday… because after spending the afternoon making up excuses to get up so he couldn’t nap ON me, I put a chair between us when he was leaving so he couldn’t hug me or anything.
In response, he fist-bumped me and said: “Later.”
He may as well have called me bro… and that is hilarious, but also overwhelmingly my own damn fault. Lol.

I tend to greet him (and most other people I’ve known less than 10 years) with an awkward sideways hug, because I don’t like hugs… They feel like traps. Like he won’t let go and then someone else will pop out of a bush and bash me over the head and I’ll wake up in a motel bathtub filled with ice missing a kidney and a note that says CALL 911 taped to the toilet seat. I do know that’s crazy irrational, but that’s how hugs feel.

We’ve held hands when we’re out, but we haven’t kissed or properly hugged, even.
We obviously haven’t had sex (or is that not as obvious as I think it is?), but he hasn’t brought any of that up, so I guess he’s just playing it by ear.

My friend that broke up with his significant other the night I got trapped in an elevator while on a date laughed out loud at the fact that the night he went through a break up, his aromantic asexual friend was on a fairly successful date with someone. It was right then I realized that at some point I’m going to have to address to this guy that I’m not really just playing hard to get.

I’ve been happily single for three or four years, now and I’m an aromantic asexual. This makes me the specialist of snowflakes in the standard dating world… because why the fuck am I even dating? The answer is simply that I’m looking to pin someone down that likes my company. Some have said that me initiating a romantic relationship on that premise is abuse, because I’m never going to love someone the way I’m supposed to…

SupaNerd’s last relationship was a failed engagement… I don’t actually know how long ago that was. I do know that he’s accustomed to a certain level of physical contact that I’m totally rejecting. He’s trying to figure out the common ground.

I guess I’ll prolly have to address that if I keep seeing him…

I question if I wanna keep seeing him, though. It’s progressively more clear that he’s more traditional than I ever gleamed myself to be… He wants to take care of women in his life. He wants to move his sister out here and take care of her because she’s a single mother. Also, the fact she is a single mother somehow made her an idiot… I have a problem with that. We didn’t get that far into it… but I’m not looking for someone to take of me… at all. If that’s what he’s seeking in a woman, this ain’t gonna work. I’m not needy, I’m not delicate, and I don’t need a man to take care of me.

So…. we’ll see where this goes, I guess…

I’M AN ADULT! Kinda…

Quick Recap:

  • Met a guy
  • Two great dates back to back
  • Got stood up
    • Drank a whole bottle of wine and cried all night
  • He made giant apologies
  • Work ruined him taking me out the next night
    • Went out with friends instead, no big
  • Stopped hearing from him

Okay, so let me preface with: I’m not a needy girl.
I’m really not. I don’t need us to talk on the daily. I don’t get mad when you have a night out with your friends. I don’t even need to know all your friends. I don’t need gifts for all holidays. I don’t need or want to give you permission to live life. Do you, Boo Boo. Do you.

Now, when he stood me up, I was upset… BECAUSE I SPENT AN HOUR DOING MY MAKEUP, WHILE WAITING FOR HIM TO GET BACK TO ME, AFTER LEAVING WORK EARLY SO I COULD MEET HIM AT A REASONABLE TIME. I heard from him at 545, told him I was home around 6, and to let me know when he was ready to go out around 615… and then slowly wilted into a crying, sad, wreck with fucked up crying-face makeup as time went by and I heard nothing back from him. I didn’t text him 800 times. I didn’t call him drunk. I just wallowed in my misery drank a bottle of wine, and asked my friend in Australia why no one loves me…
Like a fuckin’ adult.

The next day, I got a message at 730am. He was sorry. He didn’t feel good, and laid down, and had just woken up. Did I believe it? Not entirely, but the guy is super crazy nice, and I liked him, so I was gonna let it go.
Like a fuckin’ adult.

He asked if he could take me to lunch. I told him I had plans, but that I was free that evening. We tried to make dinner plans, but with my fucked up stomach, we agreed to meet for drinks and I’d take him around town instead. I decided to do my makeup… so I looked great, and then about the time I was like 10 mins from the place and our meeting time, he let me know he wasn’t going to be able to make it… because work called him. While I was REALLY disappointed, I just resolved to go hang out with my friends at karaoke, and maybe when he was done he could come by.
Because I handle my shit like a fuckin’ adult.

He never did come by. I checked on him around 1am, and he was still at work… so I just enjoyed myself as best I could and figured I’d hear from him again later. I never heard from him again later. I zapped him some texts… a cute vid of me hanging out with my dogs… but he didn’t really wanna text with me, as far as I could tell from his texts back. They were just the obligatory kind of response that you get from people that HAVE to respond but have nothing to say. So, I just tried to leave him alone.
Like an adult.

But here’s the thing… I’m not REALLY an adult. My generation isn’t adults. Millennials fit NONE of the criterion for adulting, aside from getting jobs. We don’t like to adult. We don’t identify as adults. We will prolly never really understand the finer points of adultism, in general. Millennials just aren’t built for it. We wanna continue to play with Legos, and never have to make a phone call to setup a doctor’s appointment.
SO… I called him out on ignoring me over FB messenger today… before I had time to stop myself and be an adult… cuz like I said, I suck at being a really real adult. I didn’t make a big thing of it, though. I just talked to him normally… and then sprung on him that I felt like he’d been avoiding me, and this was me “metaphorically jabbing [him] with a stick.”

I didn’t confront him and be like, “what the fuck is your problem?” I just wanted to let him know that I wasn’t mad, I guess. I mean, I’m kind of mad that he’s been ignoring me… but I’m not mad about the missed dates. Shit happens. I was trying to understand his behavior, and it felt like he was under the impression I might not wanna see him again. He didn’t try to talk to me, but he still regularly interacted with me on social media… He didn’t ghost me, he just kept a distance… so in my terribly awkward way I tried to him know it was okay.
Which just made shit awk, obvi.

HIM: I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to ignore you.
ME: It’s okay. I just like making social encounters more awkward than they have to be. It’s like a hobby. 😛
ME: Anyways… I’ll let you get back to your family. ^_^ emoticon Hit me up sometime.
HIM:For sure
Well, I dunno if that sounds as awkward as I feel like it sounds… but I was just like… OH GOD NO WHAT DID I JUST SAY?! HAHAHAHA…. GONNA GO DIE NOW…
So, that’s about where I’m at…
Will he call? I dunno. Least I made an effort, I guess….
Mostly I just wanted this to work out because I’m SO SICK of the dating scene… People are terrible, and they’re worse when you’re trying to date them. I just want someone to go out with me on the weekends… why is that so hard?
{insert joke about a hard dick here}

Depression, Dieting, & Dating

I’ve been depressed.

I think it’s because I’m lonely… or maybe I’m lonely because I’m depressed… but I was seeing this guy, and he stood me up…. and I think it made my depression worse.

Now, I’m not a naturally forgiving person, but he’s super nice and we get along, and I genuinely like him, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt when he said that he didn’t feel good and fell asleep. So he asked me to dinner the next night, and then his work called, I guess, and he cancelled.

So that was two nights I got all dolled up with nowhere to go. The first time I sat at home, cried, and drank an entire bottle of wine. I don’t even like wine, but it was there. The second night, I had already left the house. I was headed downtown, I was excited, and I looked good. I thought of going downtown anyways and getting wasted, but I didn’t want the DUI. Instead, I turned the car around and went to karaoke. It was adequate. My friends can really step up when they want to…

I gained back half the weight that I lost earlier… so… that was no good… but I now need to lose EXACTLY half my body weight to be “happy.” Really, that’s how much to get well within a healthy BMI range… but in theory that should make me happy. In reality… I’d be happy to lose 70…. I’d still be “overweight and borderline obese” but that would be my high school weight… What more can a fat kid ask for?! Seriously, though, I’d be happy there… and then after being sure I can maintain that weight I could lose the rest….

So I’m back on 1200-1500 cals a day… aiming for 800 cals a day… If I aim for 800 and I hit 1200 I’m fine… if I allow myself 1200, and then sometimes I hit 1500… Whatever! Really if I’m under 2100 cals, it’s a good day for me. Lol. I’ve been binging. SO MUCH BINGING. So… I aim low, and then just don’t worry about it if I’m over. It’s a mind trick thing.

Anyways… that’s me.