Lying to Mental Healthcare Professionals

Friday sucked. Actually the whole week sucked. I started the week with weird dreams. That progressed into NO SLEEP Tuesday and Wednesday night. I had to take a literal mental health day on Thursday because I was losing it, and on top of not sleeping I’d spent all week trying to cleanup a schedule that should have been clean. It was genuinely frustrating.

I spend Thursday in bed, and then when the house got too hot to sleep I went to buy shit to make cookies. I don’t bake, but I wanted to make cookies. I made four batches total, two of which were totally inedible because they were overwhelmingly gross and salty, one was fine but dry, and one was legit good. I was kind of listless. I don’t know why I wanted to make cookies. I didn’t want to eat them; I had two cookies from the okay batches and gave the rest to mothership. I just liked making them. I can’t really tell you why.

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I’d been suffering through the side effects of my Abilify. The worst were the hot flashes. I would get REALLY hot, which I’m always kind of hot anyways, and then dizzy and nauseous, and it was just flat out sucked. I’m 28; I didn’t need to get a preview of menopause. So Friday night I debated taking my pill because I was going out. I ended up taking it, because I’m responsible, but I then ended up sweating to the point my friend was concerned for my health and took me home. Let’s not mention that I spent two hours picking an outfit and trying to look cute, or how my makeup melted off my face, or how when I got home I was so disappointed that I cried and went straight to bed.

I emailed my pdoc the next morning, but because it’s Kaiser, she didn’t get back to me till today. In the time between the two events I’ve quit cold turkey… but I didn’t tell her that. It was on accident, really, because Saturday night I went to David’s for an anime night, and forgot to take it before I left. I wasn’t about to take it the next morning… I have played that game and it was too terrible. So, I forgot. Then Sunday was such a good day for me, I just decided not to take it anymore. My pdoc doesn’t know that… I told her I wouldn’t tamper with my meds until I heard from her, but…. I’m tampering.

Saturday was a nice day, though. Mom and I started by taking the dogs to the vet. I was still visibly sad about the night before, but I tried to be in a good mood. The chihuahuas, Bdo & Guy, did great, except that Guy is overweight. Afterwards we took some time apart, and then went to get mani-pedis. It was nice. I got a weird beetle green. And to wrap up mom-time we went to a seafood place and got fried seafood plates.

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That evening I went to D2’s for an anime night. I subjected him to Paprika and Metropolis while we ate $60 worth of sushi (because stoners and fat kids like sushi). It was a lot of fun. We’re having a follow up night on Friday to watch Howl’s Moving Castle and Wizards, which isn’t really anime, but I consider it honorary anime. Bird was supposed to come, but I guess she got wrapped up with other things that feel through, and she essentially slept through it all.

Sunday morning I got up, dressed like a Time Lord and went to the Renaissance Festival with my mom. We stopped at a hat shop, and I finished off my Time Lady look with a nice hat and a flower-tie thing. I wanna make those now… I need to hit Goodwill. And figure out where to buy a sewing kit… We had a lovely day at RenFest and walked until we both thought we were gonna drop.

On the way home we hit the grocery, and I spent the rest of the day not standing.

It turned into a good weekend… but it’s been a trial… not gonna lie.

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New Shrink & New Drugs

Whelp, Monday I saw a new shrink. I didn’t WANT a new shrink, but… Kaiser…

If you don’t know, I’d like to form a terrorist cell just to take down Kaiser…

So, I made the appointment in March. Waiting four months to see someone isn’t something I’m happy about… but I made it. She’s a weird little mousy white woman that could be 26 or 50. I’m honestly not sure how old she is, but she’s extremely proficient with a computer. All she did, really, was ask me questions and type the answers into the computer at lightning speed. I feel like my awe is how other people feel when they see me type without looking and whatnot.

I’m never really happy about rehashing my whole mental health history. It was a long, unpleasant journey from my mother thinking I was just a a moody teenager to being a diagnosed bipolar that fought really hard to get off medication… Not to mention in the middle of all that was my mom not really accepting the idea that I was bipolar, and all the meds I tried, and how all the meds I tried effected my life and relationships…. It’s was a whole thing, and every time I get a new shrink we have to go over all of it. The records should really just be digital and able to transfer in 2017… I feel like that’s not an unrealistic expectation.



She did ask me what my diagnosis was with my other doctors, in particular if they were classifying me as BP 1 or BP 2. I was honest… it varies. She laughed a little and explained that it’s because I’m right on the cusp… So you could either call me a very sever BP2, or a pretty mild BP1. Based on the fact I have managed to avoid arrest and hospitalization, she decided to classify me as a BP 2, but also said that it’s really just semantics since they treat it the same way.

Anyways, after my interrogation, she decided we should try Abilify. It was a decision based on a couple of things: 1, I told her that I refuse to take Lithium, and 2, the other stuff she considered was shit I’ve already taken that didn’t work. I just have to say…. I FUCKING KNEW SHE WAS GONNA TRY TO PUT ME ON LITHIUM. When I looked at Kaiser’s formulary, I noticed that the drugs they have for psychiatric use are old drugs. There aren’t a lot of them, and a lot of them have been around for a long long time. Apparently they only get new stuff when the patent runs out, and until then they don’t support you trying it for any reason.

If you download this formulary, this is at the top:

Kaiser Permanente will generally cover brand-name (when no generic is available), generic and specialty tier drugs listed on our formulary as long as the drug is medically necessary, the prescription is filled at a Kaiser Permanente or a participating network pharmacy, and other plan rules are followed.

BUT IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING LIE! THEY COVER NOTHING UNLESS A GENERIC IS AVAILABLE. FUCKING LIARS!

Anyways… When I looked at their formulary I knew… But I refuse.
Lithium is sedating. It primarily treats mania… I like my fucking mania. I don’t really care to get rid of my mania. Lithium is dangerous. The thereputic level for Lithium is like a hair away from overdose levels, which will wreck your kidneys and liver. Fuck that noise… I’m not doing blood draws for the rest of my life because they wanna use an old drug. Lithium tends to make you not care after a while. It’s sedating, as I said, and seems to work in people with bipolar the same was prozac works in people with depression. It’s not that you feel better, it’s that over time you kind of feel nothing. That’s just what it normally does. The list of side effects is concerning as all get out.

So no, I was not interested in taking a drug first used in 1871 and “perfected” to Lithium Carbonate in 1886, when there are so many new drugs with less severe repercussions.

(BTW, this shit is so dangerous that the FDA didn’t approve it for us to treat mania until 1970, and only under very specific conditions, i.e. lots of blood draws to monitor toxicity. That’s 84 years between “perfected” date and “sure, let’s use this on crazy people,” and it’s been 47 years since then… we have better shit…)

Anyways, I’m done ranting about the dangers of Lithium.

I’ve taken lots of meds before now… Lamictal, Trileptal, Topamax, Risperdal… So between what I’d already tried and my objections, to my surprise Miss Shrinky-Dink actually put some thought into it and told me why she picked Abilify (Aripiprazole).

A, It’s the closest thing to Latuda that they have. Since I’d previously saw another shrink and tried to get Latuda, she took that into consideration. I think it’s a little bit of a cop-out, to try and piggie back off another doctor, but I appreciated that she was trying to stay in the same vein.

2, Abilify should not be sedative. I was very clear that I didn’t want to be sedated and that I do not tolerate unwanted side effects very well. While Abilify has a list as long as any other antipsychotic of side effects, it’s not reported to be sedative. It was also less likely to cause me to gain weight (since I’m already a whale) and she hadn’t had any other patients that had experienced a side effect that caused them to stop taking it.

D, It should STABILIZE my moods, and it’s often used to treat persistent depression. The idea right now is to level me out and see how I feel when I’m not up and down and up and down again all the time. Once I’m kinda stable, if I’m still having depressive moods she said that she could add an antidepressant later. She doesn’t like to use antidepressants alone, or in high doses, because they have a tendency to de-stabilize bipolar people. I get that. When I was on Effexor I was real manic. I liked it, but people around me were less of a fan.

So, overall it felt like maybe she actually listened to my concerns and took them into consideration. I also immediately did some research on Abilify myself… and I actually think I took it for a while toward the end of my last jaunt with meds. At the end I was just mad that we kept changing meds and they all sucked, so I’m not actually sure that I gave it any kind of chance. I was also real manic at the time… for like a month. So, while I’m pretty sure I’ve taken it before, I’ll give it a chance.

So Mousy Head Shrink ordered blood work, because there IS a risk of increased chance for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes on Abilify, and I’m a big fat person. So yesterday morning I went to the facility by work that has a lab and the pharmacy where she put in my meds. All my labs were totally fine, as they tend to be. My old primary used to test me for all the fat diseases every single year, so I was pretty sure that wouldn’t be a problem.

I was going to wait until the weekend to start my meds, but 4 days on the starting dose and then bumping up to twice as much… no matter how I tried to play that it was gonna fall on a week day… So I started last night. This morning, I am tired, nauseous, achy, kind of out of it, and really thirsty. I was expecting all of that. Everything but the thirst should subside the longer I’m on it. Apparently drinking a lot of water is just what I do now. It’s not the worst side effect, though. The body aches should go away, or people said that some magnesium pills will make it subside. So…

That’s where I’m at today… and I’m at work… so… all of that is BLARGH feeling… but hopefully I start feeling less depressed.

Also, I’ve read a few reports where Abilify made people loose a crazy amount of weight… If there was ever a side effect I craved, that would be the one… I’d like to lose like half my body weight… is that a side effect I could have? Please?

Better Kind of Weekend

So, Friday night was a bust… I dunno if you read that entry, but I was really fucking depressed. I ended up NOT going to my Halloween in July party, and slept for 14 hours instead. I regret not going. I bet it was a hella good time, but I was too depressed to be out somewhere… not because I couldn’t have gone, cuz I could have, but because in a mental state of depression I get really…. impulsive. If I’d gone, I’d have paid for the Lyft to and from, then the $20 at the door, and then proceeded to drink myself into massive debt. I drink a couple hundred bucks worth of tequila in a pretty small amount of time, so while I regret not going, I do not regret not going in the mindset I was in… It wouldn’t have been any fun, anyways, and I saved a good $300 I didn’t need to spend (assuming I didn’t start buying drinks for rando people cuz I was wasted… also a thing I do).

I didn’t really feel better when I got up the next morning, but I clawed my way out of the bed and went to get a hair cut with Mom, anyways. I kept apologizing for being sad. She just pat me on the back and said it was okay. She’s so much better about my mood swings these days than she used to be, but I was still sorry. I get so overwhelmed sometimes and I can be really short with people. She used to take that personally, but over time we are doing better at it.

After the movie we tried a new theater to see Despicable Me 3. We will be going back to Movie Tavern instead. The whole experience was meh. The movie was cute, especially for a third installation of a series… I didn’t expect it to be GREAT, but it was cute. I liked it. Also, I now want a goat.

Saturday evening I had a bbq/party to go to at the Polygon. The Polygon is a communal living home full of poly people. I’m not poly, but they always invite me to stuff, so I go. They’re nice people.

I was looking forward to this party, in particular, because of a party I went to there a few years ago when I was really into binge drinking. I drank a lot and hooked up with this guy. It was not a memorable hookup, other than by the time we actually got somewhere to hookup I was tired and didn’t really wanna… and I lied about being religious as a reason not to give him a bj (“I pray with this mouth… I can’t.” hahaha). By the Polygon standards it really shouldn’t have been a thing, anyways, as I was REALLY drunk, and didn’t give ENTHUSIASTIC consent… it was more that I gave in… but whatever. I remembered him because he spent like 30 minutes telling me about how he was Jewish, and then made this comment about a chick not asking to have one of the beers he brought for the party… so I told him not to be a Jew about it… because… I’m me, and I thought that was funny. He did too, and I think that was when he decided he’s like to bang me. The fun part of the hookup was that afterwards I immediately went home while he put himself back together. I said goodbye to no one. I just ninja’d outta there and booked it home.

So a couple of months ago I was over helping one of the housemates make a YouTube video, and after we got done she was like, “This is where (dudebro) puked after you fucked him. He’s still mad you left after that, by the way.” I was like, Really?! It was 4 years ago… But I just filed that information away.

CUT TO THE PARTY.

I’ve been there for a while, having a lovely time, and I go to pee. No one is inside the house because the Polygon has no air conditioning, but the doorbell rings. There’s a sign that says to just come in, but the doorknob is a lil wonky and I guess they couldn’t get it open. So I wash my hands and go answer the door. AND IT’S THE GUY of course. Lol. He’s there with a lovely woman he brought as a date, and I let them in and say hi. He looks at me, his get huge, and then he puts on a straight face and goes, “I think… I know you right?” Like he legit couldn’t remember, which I knew was false since the housemate had told me he was still pissy. So I just start laughing maniacally. I couldn’t help it. So I’m laughing like some kind of insane person, and all I can do is choke out, “Yeah, hi (dudebro’s name)” and left them both there at the front door. I probably laughed for like 20 minutes. The rest of the party Dudebro avoided me. I made a point to chat up his chick friend, though. She was alright. Little… aloof… but she was also high as a rocket, so I didn’t think too much about it.

The rest of the party was good, though. I talked to lots of people, I got electro stimulation on my back, and I ate a lot of these crackers someone brought. When my feet hurt, I went home, though. People were getting too drunk or twisted to make conversation, so I just ninja’d out again. Most of the housemates had retreated to the depths of the house anyways, so I’m not sure anyone particularly would’ve noticed. I was home before midnight, but I’d had a good night.

Sunday I got up and made vegetable korma in the crockpot and clean before taking Mothership to pickup her new car. Really that just meant I got to play with the broker’s dog… his name was Bowser, and he was some kind of poodle mix looking thing that liked to play fetch. We played lots of fetch while she chatted with him. He used to be our GM, so they talk shop a lot. I didn’t do too much after I got home after that. Watched Planet of the Sharks (Waterworld meets Mad Max meets Jaws… it was awful).

Monday morning has been less pleasant.

I already wasn’t looking forward to today because I’m going to see a shrink today about my bipolar depression, and I have no faith that she has anything she can prescribe me that I would be interested in taking. I considered cancelling the appointment several times, but it takes SO LONG to see someone (made the appt in March) that I figured I’d just keep it and see what she has to say.

To make matters worse, my GM threw a fit over the cameras over the weekend. He had this camera system installed without consulting me, the outside IT company we use, or the corporate IT guy. So it’s never quite worked right. He got all upset that it’s not working right, and somehow it’s MY fault it’s not working right. No. Just no. I am doing the best I can with what limited knowledge I know about the cameras to just make it work at all.

He also went off about not having the password to install shit on his work laptop… which I know I gave him. And he was bitching about his PERSONAL MAC AT HOME which I am in no way responsible for. He didn’t include me, so I’m fucking out. I passed it off to the outside IT guy, and that’ll be what he does when he gets here while I’m at the shrink. I don’t WANT to know about the camera system. Not even a little bit.

I’m so over this GM, tbh. He’s an overzealous, disorganized, piece of hipster trash, more concerned with his tight suits and the line cut into his part than doing anything around here correctly. He just does shit and then piles figuring out the details on whoever is available, and I’m fucking over it. Do it right, or don’t fucking do it.

I’ve got to put real effort into my liquidation… so I can get the fuck out of here. I’m also putting real effort into my debt consolidation. I’ve got a decent credit score, but when we jump ship and run away to Oregon, I really wanna be able to take a lesser job… I could happily be a biller if we can just get together enough money to flat out buy a house without a mortgage payment… and since we’re selling here, and buying there, the economic difference MIGHT allow that. Here’s hoping.

Anyways. Feeling okay today… we shall see what shrinky dink lady says… I’ll listen to her, but I’m not going to get my hopes up that she’ll listen to me.

Well, I got my crown put on.

It was awkward as shit… every time my lower teeth hit it my brain went

WHY IS THERE GLASS IN YOUR MOUTH!!!!

and my whole body would tremble with goosebumps. It was whack… but it’s better no. I might still need an adjustment, though, because that tooth is just a little too long and my front teeth won’t meet now. Gonna wait a bit, though. See how it changes my bite.

This was, by no means, a PLEASANT experience, but the dentist and the techs were hella nice. They tried really hard to prevent any pain, and were real understanding about my flinching at temperature changes… So, it’s nice to know that I have a place I can go for cleanings without having a panic attack. My last dentist office was full of assholes… but I wrote two entries on that, so I won’t dwell.

(See: The Worst Day of My Life and The Nice People Ripped Up My Gum Line for details)

In other news, I’m on countdown for going to Oregon!

Which means I really gotta get my house clean for when Mothership is taking care of the pets for me… >_> UGH…. The only problem with leaving.

Still, I’m super excited to see mah gurl!!! It feels like eternity since I saw her.

Today it is hecka snowy. (BTW I started saying hecka.)
It started yesterday around four, and hasn’t stopped since. What’s interesting is that it still hasn’t stuck to the roads. I was real worried about that because I went to David’s for his birthday, and I was worried about driving home, but nah: the roads are fine. I just got back from the grocery store (I wanted pizza) and the roads are wet, but not icy or snow-filled. I think it’s because we went from 70 degree weather to this, so the ground is still pretty warm. Plus, it’s a spring snow… those are always wet and heavy, but less icy.

I didn’t do a lot today. Watched Markiplier play Outlast 2, and took a nap… but I feel okay about it. What else was I really going to do, besides maybe clean my room?

My mood has been better. I dunno if it’s because I’ve started self-medicating on the daily, or if I just legit feel better, but both make me want to call and cancel that shrink appt in July. I don’t really like seeing doctors if I can help it. I’m still not HAPPY but I’m not bawling my eyes out and curled up in a ball on my bed anymore. Still, it was so hard to get a damn appt, I guess I should keep it.

I just don’t want them to ask me any more awful questions. The interview for it over the phone was hard. I don’t like talking about things from my past. Shit happened, I’m not that person anymore. I get that it’s necessary to assess how I got to my current mental state, but like… I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I don’t like being out of the power role. I’m that kind of person. I’ll answer family history: my mom’s side tends to have depression and my dad’s side has addiction, oh and also my dad is bipolar. I’ll answer substance questions: I self medicate, but in very strict regulation because I don’t want to grow up to be my dad. I don’t want to answer questions that lead into memories of stupid shit I GOT MYSELF INTO when I had a mild drinking problem… I no longer have a drinking problem. I learned. That piece is no longer relevant to my life, and I don’t want to talk about what happened.

I dunno. I’m defensive about it. No one has a clean past, but mine is just a bunch of dumb shit I got MYSELF into and never told anyone about, and I like to keep it that way… but I don’t like lying to healthcare professionals, even if they DO work for the abomination that is Kaiser Permanente.

Anyways… I’m off to make pizza, and I think I’ll be putting up a 300 Days of Sunshine entry. I’m not sure on what, yet, but I think I should. It’s nice to have some good in your life.