Happy Birthday To Me

I thought I had successfully ghosted D2, so as to spare us both the fallout of actual confrontation. Regardless of if you believe my motives, I believe my motives. I thought it had worked, but I got a message from his yesterday… and I couldn’t not respond. He asked to take me to dinner for my birthday. I told him maybe next week. While I don’t want to be his best friend, it doesn’t mean we can be friends with a good bit of space. I just have to guard myself. I am what’s important, and I have to remember that.

Saturday, Mom and I went to the Curiosities and Oddities Expo, thrown by the Punk Rock Flee Market. It was neat, but there were SO MANY people. The Fox St. Compound is a lot smaller when it’s filled with hundreds of people, and while I had fun and saw some cool stuff, I definitely feel like sales were lost just because there were exhibits I couldn’t even get up to see. I mean, let’s be real, I’m the type of person that would love to buy your obscure taxidermy, wet specimens, and various things made of dead animals, people, or whatever. I saw some cute things, some unsettling things… but in general, it was a lot of us trying to dodge the crowd and not lose each other. One of the vendors, The Room of Lost Things, is a brick+mortor shop in a nearby art district. I told Mom that maybe we could just go to the art district and look around the store, as well as others in the area, like Flossy McGrew’s.

On our way back home, we stopped for lunch at Pappadeux. It’s about the only place in Colorado you can get really real, super great seafood. I don’t know how they do it, but their plates are on point if you’re looking for a seafood joint in Colorado. I also always forget how pretty the place is. They have this giant courtyard made of stone and features and it’s just lovely, guys. So lovely. We got a shrimp cocktail and some lobster, shrimp, and pork eggrolls for an appetizer, because why not? For lunch I ordered the lunch portion of the Cajun Combo, which is blackened catfish on a bed of dirty rice served with shrimp creole on a bed of white rice. Lots of rice. In spite of it being a lunch portion, it was fucking huge. Mom got fried catfish and shrimp. Also huge. We had enough sense to stop about halfway through, but then we ordered bread pudding… because Birthday Pappadeux. It was amazing!

Overall it was a really nice day. Afterwards, I went home to recover from my food coma and get ready to go out. Since I got the costume, I needed to wear it, so I went to a Halloween party at Scruffy Murphy’s. I dressed as a Steampunk Air Ship Captain, and ended up heading down early because A, parking, but 2, the dogs kept trying to sit on me.

So, I’m sitting in this bar, awkwardly, and I ordered the first thing I saw on tap, because I’m awkward, and it’s an IPA called Space Dust, but as I do this my bad ass steampunk skull cane falls and smacks the guy next to me. I, in my infinite wisdom of social interactions, froze like a deer in headlights. Fortunately for me, this gent bent down and picked up my cane, and just went, “That’s heavy! You could hurt someone with that. Where’d you get it?” And thus a conversation began.

This is really odd for me. I’m not the kind of person to talk to attractive men in bars. I’m the type to sit quietly and awkwardly in a corner until my friends show up or I get depressed and go home. So, I did my best to be cordial, normal, and interesting. I thought I did well, but I haven’t heard from him since… although I know where he is every Sunday. He’s a devout Catholic, apparently, and goes to confession at 3pm and mass at 5pm every Sunday at the Cathedral Basilica in downtown Denver. I don’t plan on stalking him, interesting though he was. It’s so rare that I talk to someone, and even more rare that their first question is what my favorite book is… to which I had no read good answer, for I love so many books. Still, he has my number and I asked him to let me take him to a nice speak easy, so he can contact me if he wants. If not, I’m not going to die.

Bird showed up and I mostly left the guy alone and just enjoyed my Bird. We danced. We had a couple drinks, and we both went home around midnight. I had a great time! And I was really glad that my bestie came out with me. We have ups and downs, but at the end of the day she really is one of my best friends.

Sunday we had to come into work. There’s just too much to do and new girl wasn’t catching on like we wanted. It turns out that it’s good we came in because Monday morning new girl up and quit on us, just two days before month end. What a bitch.

One the way home we stopped at Safeway, and my stomach freaked out. It hurt and I thought I was going to vomit all over. I came home, and after I ate some chicken, because I hadn’t eaten all day, that’s exactly what happened. I was VIOLENTLY ill all evening, all night, and half the morning. I couldn’t even get up the next morning, and when I finally hauled into work I was only able to stay for an hour because my whole body hurt like I’d been beaten, presumably because that’s how you feel after shitting and vomiting out your insides for 24 hours. Fortunately, whatever this ordeal was, it seems to have passed.

My birthday was just a day at work, but the office girls made it nice. One brought green chili, one brought cake, one bought me flowers. It was a lovely little affair. We worked late, to compensate for the lack of a biller, and then I went home and watched The Pagemaster.

It wasn’t an epic birthday, but it’s notable because I didn’t have a breakdown or a crisis or any kind of negative reaction. My friend Mel is pregnant, and Lindsey is engaged, D1 is going to run for congress… and I’m just here, doing the best I can, and that’s enough for once.

Welcome to the last year of my 20s… I don’t expect it to be eventful, but maybe it could be pleasant.

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BLARGH

Today I start a lactose and gluten free life. I’m not excited.

A, I’ve known I was lactose intolerant since I was a kid, but I chose to torture myself because cheese and ice cream are delicious.

2, No I haven’t 100% confirmed I’m gluten intolerant with a doctor… BUT a few years ago I was trying to actively pursue WHY I am violently ill every single time I eat. They did a blood test for Celiac, and it was inconclusive. She was pretty sure that was the issue, though, and wanted me to get an intestinal biopsy to confirm. That sounded terrifying and painful, so I never did it. Now I’m on Kaiser, so going to the doctor is pretty much pointless, so I’m just grasping at the straws of incomplete data.

D, If this doesn’t work, I can always go back to eating gluten.

I’m not excited. As it is, I already miss cheeseburgers… and I don’t even eat cheeseburgers that often. I’m just not into the idea of not eating things I like for the rest of my life. It feels unfair. It feels incredibly unfair, and it makes me depressed and angry. Still, I’m at a point where I’m just tired of being sick every single fucking time I eat.

In 28 years and 10 months, I feel like I’ve spent more time in the bathroom than anywhere else. It ruins eating out with friends. It wakes me up from sleep. It’s something I have to plan for before any meal so I can be sure there’s a bathroom I can get to. Cutting out gluten and lactose really just means that I won’t ever eat out again… but maybe when I eat something I won’t have to worry about where the nearest bathroom is.

I don’t know that this will work. I’ve been known to get sick from eating just vegetables, and vegetables don’t have gluten or lactose… essentially my gastrointestinal tract just fucking hates me. I have to try something, though. I’m tired of the pain and the embarrassment and feeling shitty every time I eat.

If this doesn’t work… I’ll go back to gluten and cut out corn… I’ll cut out everything if it means an end to the bullshit… I’m unhappy about it, but I’m also unhappy being sick all the time. So… fuck it.

I FUCKING HATE KAISER

Haven’t checked in since May 29th… Lemme tell you why.

After getting back from Oregon, I started making a lot of plans… all of which I still have, but don’t seem to be able to execute quickly. It has sucked. I feel real discouraged about it. I have been REAL depressed about it. I genuinely don’t even know how I’m supposed to accomplish anything.

On top of general demotivation and depression, Mothership has MFing Pneumonia!

Let’s recap.
In March, Mothership got sick. It went on for a while, and then she saw a very Kaiser doc (NP I think) who gave her some lil Z pack thing. It never went away and escalated to bronchitis. Pretty typical for Mothership. A very nice doc at an Urgent Care gave her some big antibiotics. It still never went away. She saw a very professional Nurse Practitioner, who had her get a chest xray, decided it was early-onset community obtained pneumonia (not to be confused with hospital obtained pneumonia) and gave her two shots in the butt of antibiotic and a course of Prednisone and Levaquin (which is an antibiotic they use for pneumonia and anthrax). After she stopped taking that, she spiraled down into terribleness. So we went back and saw a really abrupt, terrible at explaining anything, shitty bedside Mannering Kaiser MD name Deja Vandeloo, who gave her another course of the Levaquin. I mention her name, because she was rude to my mother, who is TERRIFIED because her brother DIED of pneumonia, which I fucking told that doctor, who did not give a shit. She was rude, short, didn’t care, and didn’t explain herself well. She essentially told us NOT to come back. Lemme be clear: We weren’t asking for more meds, we were concerned that my mother was spiraling after taking very LARGE meds, and her brother DIED of pneumonia, so it’s not something to play with. If this was normal for pneumonia recovery, she should have just FUCKING SAID SO, but she deemed it necessary to give out more meds, and thankfully they seem to have worked, but FUCK MAN. I DIDN’T GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL. I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT RECOVERY FROM PNEUMONIA LOOKS LIKE. Fucking explain yourself.

Also, she said that she would NOT have done the stuff that the previous NP did, which I thought was unprofessional as fuck, and rude, not just to the NP, but to the patient who is sitting there going, “AM I GOING TO DIE BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE ARE INCOMPETENT???” Also, getting an appointment with any of these people was fucking insane, because Kaiser does not have enough doctors to treat their patient base.

I fucking hate Kaiser.

RELATED:
A person I know recently had to have emergency surgery with Kaiser. They were sent home sans antibiotic, which I, someone who has had multiple surgeries, found immediately odd. The next day the were spiraling down, and Kaiser, UNABLE TO SEE THEM FOR ANY KIND OF APPOINTMENT told them to TAKE PICTURES OF THE SURGICAL SIGHT AND EMAIL THEM TO A DOCTOR. So, upon viewing them, they rushed this person BACK into the hospital where they opened them again to clean out the infection. I’m assuming sepsis. Fortunately, they’re keeping this person for observation and more cleaning out of the surgical sight, but I do not trust them at all.

KAISER DOES NOT CARE IF YOU DIE, AND HONESTLY THEY ACT LIKE THAT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER FOR EVERYONE.

I got sick Sunday night. Very sick. Monday morning I would have rather died than come to work… but we’re short and I’m a team player. Still got body aches and sinus probs and shit, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to go to Kaiser doc to treat it. Fuck that noise. I’d literally rather buy drugs off the street than try to see a Kaiser doctor for anything. If only I knew someone peddling basic prescriptions.

To add to my misery, I woke up this morning with a swollen eye. Not sure what that’s about… waiting to see if it clears up or gets worse… Least I know I can see an eye doctor that isn’t Kaiser…

I see a Kaiser shrink on July 10th.
I don’t even want to go. I made the appointment in MARCH and that was the SOONEST they could get me in. I’d cancel, but it’s so fucking hard to get an appointment, and I might spiral into suicide at any minute, that I figure I’ll just fucking go.

Everything is awful.
I hope every single Kaiser building in the nation catches fire at the same time and the whole company is bankrupted by the damages and forced out of existence by an act of god/nature. Because fuck Kaiser. Fuck Kaiser with every fucking fiber of my being.

And fuck my corporation for thinking Kaiser was EVER a good idea. You know the people at the corporate offices aren’t dealing with this shit. Fuck them.

Palm Sunday Miracle

Okay, it’s not a miracle, but I’m super excited about my mother buying me a new computer. She got me an Acer All-In-One… just like… cuz I’ve been looking at computers for months… It’s so nice… I’m in love with it.

My mom is the best.

Today is a much better day than yesterday.
Yesterday morning at 730 my mom called me and I thought she was dying. She wasn’t, but we HAD to get her to a doctor. She’s had a respiratory infection for like a month. Since we’re on Kaiser, though, we couldn’t go to the doctor… I ended up running her to an Urgent Care center… about 20 minutes away. Not really convenient, but we got in pretty quick.

The doctor, a gentleman that I think came from Africa (he had non-specific accent and was very dark), had a fantastic bedside manner, and was very concerned this had been going on so long. So, he gave her a Z pack and prednisone. She was so much better this morning.

After we left the doctor we got breakfast and then saw Power Rangers! I still want to be the yellow ranger. Then we went to Gordman’s because she wanted to walk around… and I had spent the morning thinking she was dying, so I was down for whatever. She bought me a blanket pal, and a weird egg with feet, and some socks. It was a good time.

Today she called to ask me if I wanted Joe’s Crab Shack for lunch. So, we went to Joe’s Crab Shack for lunch. I’d mentioned I’d like her to come look at All-In-Ones with me today, because I was once again looking at what was on the market, but I found one I like and she got it for me. I dunno why, but I love it. Now, I just gotta get the Creative Cloud and get to work. I really hope I can get back in the groove of graphic design, now.

I see my doctor for my depression tomorrow. It’s been an ordeal to reach this point. On Friday, they called me and wanted to say that I couldn’t see her because I have Kaiser. I was like, no… cuz I’m just going to give you money. Money for services. That’s all we’re doing. And like, ugh. It was a whole ordeal and I had to argue with like 7 people. I just hope she can help me… I’m so tired of being tired and sad.

Also, Friday David 2 and I went to the Car Show. It was actually a lot of fun.
We’ve been watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, so we just went back to his place afterward and watched that… drank some wine. It was a good night out!

It was nice to have a pretty good weekend. I hope the week is also this good.

Best to bed.

TTYL.

I’ve Been Sick

So last week, out of seemingly nowhere, I got sick.

I know that my Service Manager was sick, and that he came up and talked to me briefly, but I’m not sure that’s where I got it. It took me out fast and hard. I was a little cough-ish on Wednesday afternoon, and it totally took me out Thursday. I couldn’t get out of bed. I’d been up all night not being able to breathe, coughing, hacking, gagging. It was gross. My head was filled with clear goo that seemed to want to suffocate me. It was awful.

  • So I staid home Thursday, and mostly slept.
  • Friday I dragged ass into work. I only managed like six and a half hours…
  • Saturday I dragged ass into work. Pulled a good 5 out of it.

I know what you’re thinking. If I felt so bad, why did I go to work?
Because it’s month-end in the car industry, and we have 3 business days to do a 5 day book close… I didn’t really have an option. My mom-boss DID ask if I wanted to stay home Saturday, but I needed the hours and I had many things to do. So, that’s just how it turned out.

On Friday I DID go to the doctor. I wasn’t going to, but I totally just wanted to curl up and die, so I got in with a Nurse Practitioner in the afternoon. She didn’t do a lot. Poked around a bit, ignored most of what I was saying about being hopped up on pre-meth (sudafed) and that I felt it trying to drop into my chest (the reason for my concern), and got me a script for an antibiotic. She said it was the start of a sinus infection.

Now… I dunno about you, but I get nervous when you can so easily get antibiotics. I did not ask for them. I did not go in intending to get them. I wanted to know what was wrong with me and if there was a potential treatment. I am aware that you can’t really treat a virus the way you can bacteria. (I paid attention in science class…) So when she gave me the script I was like… okay… But then I started thinking about it.

She was not a doctor. She is a Nurse Practitioner. She couldn’t dole out the script herself…
What is the difference between a doctor, a physician assistant, a nurse practitioner, and an RN?
I didn’t know… but luckily, in the age of technology, so I can google it.

So the difference between nurses and physicians is that nurses are patient-based care and physicians are disease-based care… The nurse wants to make you feel better and prevent you from getting sick. The physician wants to eradicate the disease festering inside you before you cause a pandemic and decimate the population. (Physicians are hardcore.)
The way it stacks up is like this:Registered Nurses go to nursing school and treat patients.
Nurse Practitioners go to advanced nursing school and treat patients.
Physician assistants go to a medical school and treat diseases.
Physicians go to advance medical schools and treat diseases.

What’s the difference between treating a patient and a disease? Not a lot in the grand scheme of trying to make you better. It’s about interaction. Some people will probably lean more toward liking nurses, because they’re all about people. I’m more into the physicians, because I’m all about the science and getting down to fixing me. Both are trying to make you not sick, though… and that’s what’s important. So in the future, if your doctor’s office has the options, see physicians, physician assistants, and nurse practitioners.
And: Always be nice to your registered nurses, cuz they work VERY fucking hard.

Maybe I should look into being a Physician Assistant… I like medicine. I’d like to be a coroner, but I don’t have the time or money for med school right now. Maybe I could find time for the less intensive curriculum of a PA? I should check it out. I’m not old enough to resign myself to Automotive Accounting, just yet.

Anyways. That’s been my week.
I’m concerned that I gained weight while sick. Most people can manage to lose some weight when they get sick, but not me. I didn’t want to eat, I definitely couldn’t cook, and I generally didn’t have a taste for anything, so my mom did what she is good at, and that’s getting me food that I just plain like the taste of. It’s never good for you… I had stroganoff soup, and fried rice, and then Saturday I tried to eat some Jimmy John’s, but I only managed half the sammich. I’m hoping that I can lose whatever I might have gained by Thursday, though. I’m not like, devestated that I went off my diet, but it’s not like… good, by any stretch of the imagination. Lol.

Man I hope this week is better than last week.

New Year’s Eve

So it’s New Year’s Eve!!!

…and I am at home alone.
It’s not because I had nowhere to go, or no one to go out with, or I’m having a fat day, though. I am sick. I’ve been sick for like a week, now. It’s been unpleasant. At first it wasn’t too bad, because it’s just a sinus thing. I have a sore throat, my ears are stuffy, and my nose is occasionally stuffed up when the fluid moves around. So that’s mildly irritating… but, then it gets worse. Now, I have all that, plus if I lay too flat when I sleep I can’t breathe, wake up coughing and sputtering, and whenever I sit up from laying down I get dizzy and nauseous. The other morning, when it happened the first time, I got so nauseous that I threw up all over what I had to wear for work. It was gross. I had to change. So. That is my life.

So what can I say about the year 2014. I accomplished NONE of my resolutions. I didn’t change jobs, move, find a relationship, or lose weight. I pretty much didn’t change at all. Maybe that’s a good thing, I mean, at least I didn’t die, get addicted to heroin, or get pregnant.

I did figure out that I’m asexual this year, and that’s a big thing. THE END OF AN ERA! The era of Slutty Sam is over. That’s definitely a good move. No more trying to convince myself that I just need to find the right partner. I can live happily now knowing that this is just me. Sex does nothing for me. Now the new challenge is finding a guy that I can have a little to no sex with and still have a meaningful relationship with. Yeah, cuz that’s not daunting and terrifying… There are so many guys that wanna go to rock shows with me knowing that they probably won’t get laid. Yeah… Yeah, totally. Still, I don’t feel broken anymore.

I don’t have any resolutions this year. It’s easier not to have that expectation. I am trying to make some good lifestyle choices, though. I’m being vegan for the month of January, picking up an exercise routine that is low cardio, and just keeping on like I’ve been doing… New year, not a new me… but maybe some positive things will happen from just being me.

Anyways… my sick ass is going to bed. Gotta work in the AM.
Yay bed.