Well, I got my crown put on.

It was awkward as shit… every time my lower teeth hit it my brain went

WHY IS THERE GLASS IN YOUR MOUTH!!!!

and my whole body would tremble with goosebumps. It was whack… but it’s better no. I might still need an adjustment, though, because that tooth is just a little too long and my front teeth won’t meet now. Gonna wait a bit, though. See how it changes my bite.

This was, by no means, a PLEASANT experience, but the dentist and the techs were hella nice. They tried really hard to prevent any pain, and were real understanding about my flinching at temperature changes… So, it’s nice to know that I have a place I can go for cleanings without having a panic attack. My last dentist office was full of assholes… but I wrote two entries on that, so I won’t dwell.

(See: The Worst Day of My Life and The Nice People Ripped Up My Gum Line for details)

In other news, I’m on countdown for going to Oregon!

Which means I really gotta get my house clean for when Mothership is taking care of the pets for me… >_> UGH…. The only problem with leaving.

Still, I’m super excited to see mah gurl!!! It feels like eternity since I saw her.

Today it is hecka snowy. (BTW I started saying hecka.)
It started yesterday around four, and hasn’t stopped since. What’s interesting is that it still hasn’t stuck to the roads. I was real worried about that because I went to David’s for his birthday, and I was worried about driving home, but nah: the roads are fine. I just got back from the grocery store (I wanted pizza) and the roads are wet, but not icy or snow-filled. I think it’s because we went from 70 degree weather to this, so the ground is still pretty warm. Plus, it’s a spring snow… those are always wet and heavy, but less icy.

I didn’t do a lot today. Watched Markiplier play Outlast 2, and took a nap… but I feel okay about it. What else was I really going to do, besides maybe clean my room?

My mood has been better. I dunno if it’s because I’ve started self-medicating on the daily, or if I just legit feel better, but both make me want to call and cancel that shrink appt in July. I don’t really like seeing doctors if I can help it. I’m still not HAPPY but I’m not bawling my eyes out and curled up in a ball on my bed anymore. Still, it was so hard to get a damn appt, I guess I should keep it.

I just don’t want them to ask me any more awful questions. The interview for it over the phone was hard. I don’t like talking about things from my past. Shit happened, I’m not that person anymore. I get that it’s necessary to assess how I got to my current mental state, but like… I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I don’t like being out of the power role. I’m that kind of person. I’ll answer family history: my mom’s side tends to have depression and my dad’s side has addiction, oh and also my dad is bipolar. I’ll answer substance questions: I self medicate, but in very strict regulation because I don’t want to grow up to be my dad. I don’t want to answer questions that lead into memories of stupid shit I GOT MYSELF INTO when I had a mild drinking problem… I no longer have a drinking problem. I learned. That piece is no longer relevant to my life, and I don’t want to talk about what happened.

I dunno. I’m defensive about it. No one has a clean past, but mine is just a bunch of dumb shit I got MYSELF into and never told anyone about, and I like to keep it that way… but I don’t like lying to healthcare professionals, even if they DO work for the abomination that is Kaiser Permanente.

Anyways… I’m off to make pizza, and I think I’ll be putting up a 300 Days of Sunshine entry. I’m not sure on what, yet, but I think I should. It’s nice to have some good in your life.

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Just an update.

Quick Update:
Kyrie is doing well after her eye removal. She’s back to being irritating as hell, and I only cried over it for like three days. I did enjoy being home with her for five days, though. She’s been more interested in me than usual, I guess because I took care of her through this. She just really likes me more than she used to, now. I love that. Her stitches come out April 2nd, but I’m pretty sure she’s totally over all the pain. She looks like a Mad Max villain, though. Imma get her an eye patch.

We had a terrible blizzard here in Denver on Wednesday. I attempted to get to work, spun out A LOT, couldn’t get even halfway to work, and ended up going home. The end product was above my knee, but we burned off like half of it Thursday, and more today. We’re supposed to get more tonight… but hopefully not a lot. We’ll see.

Day 1: Hopelessness & Me

It’s a good thing that I don’t judge the year by the first day, because if today was a valid indication of how my year will go, then I would kill myself right now.

Why was today so bad?

It didn’t start bad. I woke up, cuddled dogs, leisurely got ready for work… Then things went awry. An employee that I loathe didn’t show up till and hour and half after we opened, I didn’t bring a vegan lunch and ended up eating NOTHING vegan because it wasn’t an option, I realized I had neglected a schedule most of the year causing a large loss in revenue, and to top it all off it’s snowing.

So I already broke the one goal I had for the year… which was vegan food.
I fucked up at work.
It’s fucking snowing.
And I am just filled with an overwhelming sense of despair.

It’s moments like this that I just want to throw everything I own away, load up the dogs in the car, and just leave…
I don’t know where I’d go, I don’t know how that could make anything better, but I just want to go and not be here anymore…

So that’s where I’m at… and… I don’t know what I’m going to do with my evening, but I guarantee that it includes crying.