Where I’m At

I got a call back on one of the jobs I submitted my resume for in Oregon! I’m not sure that I’m what they’re looking for, though… We chatted, but I haven’t heard from them since to setup a real interview.

I’d like to continue to look for a job in Oregon. I think I’d like to live in the Eugene area. I haven’t been putting my resume out like I should be, though. I’m hesitant about it, and lost some of the inflated confidence in my abilities I had when I got home from Oregon. Work just does that to me. I feel like I’m drowning there. In reality, I know it’s not the job, but the people, who wear on me. The employee that won’t even ACT like she’s busy. The GM with lofty ideas he never thinks out. The excitable employee. The employee who talks in non-sequitur riddles. It’s a lot to deal with, and that’s not even the entire office.

I hope to get back to putting out my resume, soon, but this is also buying me some time to purge the house and really think about this.

I’ve got Mothership on board to leave if we can swing it, though. She’s not attached to anything here and is probably just glad I stopped talking about moving to California where we can’t afford anything. (I have to take her with me… leaving her here would be cruel and unusual.)

My diet is… going. I’m doing the 21 Day Fix, and I thought I was doing well, but maybe not. This week I was down 5lbs… and then this morning I was back up 3. I’m going to try not to weigh except on Monday mornings… I was really disappointed in the gain, even though it’s probably accurate. I wouldn’t have seen it as a gain if I hadn’t been weighing every single day; it would have just been 2 lbs down.

I am trying really hardtop commit to the diet, but my relationship with food is so weird that it’s real hard. I’m trying not to be hard on myself, cuz I’m still down 2 lbs…

Mentally, I’m having a better time than I thought I would.

I stopped my previous self-medicating and I was honestly expecting to crash and burn. I still get swings, but aside from crying at work I’ve been okay. I’ve been good at home; I’m trying to be social; and I’m working really hard keeping myself mostly okay. Being an unmedicated bipolar is hard.

I guess I just have to keep going.

Today was Memorial Day.
I don’t know any fallen veterans, so it’s really just a fortunate day off for me.

I got up and laid grass seed this morning. Then it hailed and I got pelted trying to move my car into the garage. My head is still tender, but at least the seed got some rain. I have to remember to water it again in the morning…

I didn’t see Mothership today, but I probably should have. She’s been having really bad sciatica type pain and it makes her getting around hard. I hung out with her this weekend, though, so I guess I did my due diligence.

We binge watched the first 4 episodes of Twin Peaks: The Return. It’s a little more crazy than the original was, but considering where it picked up, I guess that’s to be expected. We were really excited about its release, so it was a good excuse to hang out and for me to make her lunch on Sunday.

Saturday we saw Pirates of the Caribbean 5. It was entertaining. Not as good as 1-3, of course, but entertaining, and I’m excited for the next two that we’ve already been promised. Cap’n Jack Sparrow is more of a caricature in this one, as characters get to be as a really good gimmick gets older, but I still had a good time. And some guy in the theater spilled churro sauce on me… so that’s fun.

I guess that’s it for me. That’s where I’m at. Hoping that this week I can come home every night and find time to try and sort some stuff, purge some stuff, and stay motivated with the idea of moving in mind. Plus, eat right. Maybe go for some walks to boost that weight loss thing I’m attempting.


Happy Easter + BvS:DoJ Mini-Review


My holidays, as any occasional reader kind of already knows, are not the family-filled traditional holidays that Hallmark markets to the average white American female. No, my holidays are spending a day with my mom… and sometimes we get food. This Easter is no exception.

My mom and I like to see movies on holidays, so we went to see Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice. I might do a full review of it later, but in general I really enjoyed it. It’s dark and broody, Ben Affleck is actually a better Batman than I was anticipating, it sets up at least four more super hero movies (Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Flash, and Cyborg in case you’re curious and don’t know) not including an actual Justice League flick, lots of action… My only real critique was plot holes… but all movies, especially superhero movies, have plot holes. For I, the hobbyist hero fan, it was pretty good. For die-hard DC hero comic fans… I’m not sure it’s going to be the movie you all wanted.

I know a lot of people, including myself, were not excited about Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor. Luthor has portrayed all kinds of ways, and I guess my main complaint when I heard the casting was that I didn’t know how they were going to write him. I couldn’t see Jesse being the Luthor that I wanted. Instead of giving me what I wanted, he gave me a performance I didn’t expect, but definitely didn’t hate. I would even say that I liked it. Luthor is jumpy and cerebral, like so many geniuses I’ve actually encountered. He’s also xenophobic and reality doesn’t match logic he’s volatile. It’s a good performance if you go in with no expectations. I, not being a Superman fan, had absolutely no expectation, because I didn’t follow this movie’s production very much. I hadn’t even seen Man of Steel. I don’t find Superman relatable… but I found Luthor relatable.

I’m a narcissistic, condescending sociopath with an above average IQ and a vast knowledge of general stuff. Lex is a charismatic, narcissistic millionaire genius psychopath with a penchant for power. Now, what’s relatable there is that I watched BvS:DoJ and understood completely why Lex wanted to contain the Superman. Superman is a wild card, essentially. I know that in the comic book canon he’s got a long and varied history of being reliable and good, but in this particular universe… he’s new and he’s ultimate, and if you’re not scared of someone with ultimate power, you’re a moron.

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.”

-John Dalberg-Acton

There’s no way I’d trust an alien that the world is incapable of keeping under control. There’s no check. There’s no balance. It’s not that I assume he’s up to no good, it’s that I can’t reasonably assume he’s not.

So then I have to wonder… is Luthor really a villain?

This evening mothership and I watched Man of Steel just because it was on TV and we thought we should see it now. In that movie we are confronted with a General Zod that’s been PROGRAMMED from birth to protect Krypton. I’m not that familiar with Zod’s comic book canon, but in this instance you can’t call him a monster. Zod is literally just following programming through the entire movie. He was born to protect Krypton, whether that be from other races, impending doom, or the rulers themselves. With Krypton gone, but the potential for a population on Earth, his programming can’t let him walk away from an inhabitable planet already equipped with a Genesis Chamber. He has to protect the future. Then Superman destroys the potential… and… well… what the fuck is one to do when someone takes everything they exist for away from them? He had nothing left.

Outside of Superman, I do this with lots of villains. Magneto is trying to ensure the future of mutants and normal humans are a threat to their wellbeing, because humans instinctively reject what they cannot understand (and often try to kill it). I get that. The Penguin is ostracized or just treated as a pariah, depending on incarnation, and turns to crime as a way to grasp at the straws of his ever-dwindling humanity. I get that. There’s very few villains who I don’t understand. I mean, they exist, but a lot of villains are victims of our hateful human society, or they’re trying to do the right thing but circumstance dictates they must do it in the wrong kind of way, or they’re not necessarily doing the wrong thing as much as they’re just doing the right thing and it interferes with someone else’s right thing.

The one villain I can never see any of this in, of course, is my favorite: The Joker. But an analysis of The Joker could be a whole separate entry.

Anyways… we ate shrimp, I contemplated the nature of evil, and then we had apple pie.

It was a good Easter.

I’m Lonely

I went out with Cat last weekend. We just went to a 90s show. We invited an old coworker and we had a great time. Prior to that I had not gone out since I went to the ER back in December.  That would make sense if I were scared of going out after my ordeal, but that’s not the reason. The reason I haven’t been out is because I haven’t had anyone to go out with since then.

I used to have more friends; not a lot more, but more. I also used to not be afraid to go out alone. Even when I had more friends that I saw semi-regularly we didn’t often share interests, so I adopted the habit of going to things by myself. It was practical, because if I waited for someone to want to go to things WITH ME… I’d never go. I went to car shows, rock shows, museums, art shows, taverns, breweries, and even a club or two all by my lonesome. I would enjoy myself well enough. I liked it better when people went with me, but I didn’t let a lack of company stop me from doing anything that I wanted to do.

That was just a few years ago. Since then, I’ve stopped going places alone. I don’t know why. Somehow I grew uncomfortable with that and stopped doing things just for me.

Since my friends did not get better at going out to things and we still don’t actually share any interests, I just spend a lot of time alone, now. It’s kind of good, because I like spending time with the dogs, especially with Keagan being as old as he is and Kyrie having glaucoma and being as old as she is. Still, as much as I hate it, there are nights where the company of a dog just doesn’t seem to fill the social interaction void in my life.

I realized that I’ve been filling this space in my life with stuff… It only becomes apparent when I start impulsively buying everything I want on a whim… And when I start binging. No amount of Chipotle or comic books can fill the space. Trust me. I’ve tried. So I have a bunch of new comic books, a bunch of new video games, a Kindle Fire to replace my cracked iPad (which I totally didn’t need), and all the binging. It’s been bad, recently. It makes you notice… but what REALLY made me notice?


He was kidding. I know he was kidding.
We talk about this kind of thing a lot, because he lives on the other side of the world and he gets lonely, too. Still, he said it, and it dawned on me: that is EXACTLY what I am trying to do.

So what does it take to fill the hole of crippling loneliness? People? A best friend? A lover?
Maybe it just takes ENOUGH material things. Maybe once I get a Surface Pro 4 I’ll be so distracted by my hobbies that I’ll feel better…

Here’s my current hobbies:

  • painting
  • drawing
  • video games
  • handheld video games
  • writing
  • reading
  • comic books
  • computer games
  • remodeling the house
  • tv
  • collecting and watching old or banned movies
  • working crazy amounts of overtime

I really have enough hobbies that it SHOULD fill all the time. I shouldn’t have time to feel lonely between all the games I need to beat and the books I have to read and the art projects I’m planning. So how does it seep in?

In the weeks following my coworker’s suicide, things have been said. No one saw it coming. It didn’t make sense. It would have made more sense if it was that weird guy we all know has emotional problems. How does one get to that point? Why didn’t he just talk to someone? All those things are curious to me.

I’ve thought often about suicide for roughly 14 years, now. I remember the first time I thought about it I was 13, and it was long-term planning. I just wasn’t sure I could handle being an adult. I’ve managed. I surprised myself. Still, I’ve thought about it a lot. I think about it at least weekly. I assumed that everyone’s thought about it at some point. Maybe I think about it more often than others, but surely I’m not the only person that thinks about it semi-regularly… right? Guess not. So… I’ve gotten to the point where it’s an option… why don’t I talk to someone?

Well the people in my life I could talk to are… My mother, which would result in a lot of yelling about what an idiot I am for thinking about it and then a lot of crying and her wondering what she did wrong. I could talk about it to Cali BFF. but all he ever says are Nihilistic things about how life is meaningless anyways. If I ever DO kill myself, I’m gonna add a blurb in my letter about how he was right and life IS pointless and thus I opted out of it. Maybe I’ll thank him for the input. There’s the Oregon BFF. I think if she were around I’d feel less sad, but I still don’t think I could talk to her about something like killing myself.

I mean who can you talk about that with? Who isn’t going to be instantly concerned? Who’s not going to freak out? No one. Maybe a shrink. They’re significantly less prone to having you locked up than people think, but I really hate paying someone to listen to me, to be honest.

My aussie friend, crippling loneliness guy up there, thinks I need to find a group to be a part of, like a gaming group or something. My mother thinks I need to volunteer somewhere so I can maybe find a husband.

I dunno what I should do.

I know that I keep getting up. I know that as low as I get and how many time I might think of killing myself, I’ve never REALLY tried it… although, a few of my drinking escapes could prolly be racked up to suicide attempts, no matter how unintentional they might have been. I don’t know.

I just… know that I’m lonely, and that people dislike me. I’m abrasive, and I can be crass. I am either silent or I’m in your face. I always think I want friends, and then I end up trying to get rid of them. So… I dunno, guys.

I don’t… know.