Well, I got my crown put on.

It was awkward as shit… every time my lower teeth hit it my brain went

WHY IS THERE GLASS IN YOUR MOUTH!!!!

and my whole body would tremble with goosebumps. It was whack… but it’s better no. I might still need an adjustment, though, because that tooth is just a little too long and my front teeth won’t meet now. Gonna wait a bit, though. See how it changes my bite.

This was, by no means, a PLEASANT experience, but the dentist and the techs were hella nice. They tried really hard to prevent any pain, and were real understanding about my flinching at temperature changes… So, it’s nice to know that I have a place I can go for cleanings without having a panic attack. My last dentist office was full of assholes… but I wrote two entries on that, so I won’t dwell.

(See: The Worst Day of My Life and The Nice People Ripped Up My Gum Line for details)

In other news, I’m on countdown for going to Oregon!

Which means I really gotta get my house clean for when Mothership is taking care of the pets for me… >_> UGH…. The only problem with leaving.

Still, I’m super excited to see mah gurl!!! It feels like eternity since I saw her.

Today it is hecka snowy. (BTW I started saying hecka.)
It started yesterday around four, and hasn’t stopped since. What’s interesting is that it still hasn’t stuck to the roads. I was real worried about that because I went to David’s for his birthday, and I was worried about driving home, but nah: the roads are fine. I just got back from the grocery store (I wanted pizza) and the roads are wet, but not icy or snow-filled. I think it’s because we went from 70 degree weather to this, so the ground is still pretty warm. Plus, it’s a spring snow… those are always wet and heavy, but less icy.

I didn’t do a lot today. Watched Markiplier play Outlast 2, and took a nap… but I feel okay about it. What else was I really going to do, besides maybe clean my room?

My mood has been better. I dunno if it’s because I’ve started self-medicating on the daily, or if I just legit feel better, but both make me want to call and cancel that shrink appt in July. I don’t really like seeing doctors if I can help it. I’m still not HAPPY but I’m not bawling my eyes out and curled up in a ball on my bed anymore. Still, it was so hard to get a damn appt, I guess I should keep it.

I just don’t want them to ask me any more awful questions. The interview for it over the phone was hard. I don’t like talking about things from my past. Shit happened, I’m not that person anymore. I get that it’s necessary to assess how I got to my current mental state, but like… I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I don’t like being out of the power role. I’m that kind of person. I’ll answer family history: my mom’s side tends to have depression and my dad’s side has addiction, oh and also my dad is bipolar. I’ll answer substance questions: I self medicate, but in very strict regulation because I don’t want to grow up to be my dad. I don’t want to answer questions that lead into memories of stupid shit I GOT MYSELF INTO when I had a mild drinking problem… I no longer have a drinking problem. I learned. That piece is no longer relevant to my life, and I don’t want to talk about what happened.

I dunno. I’m defensive about it. No one has a clean past, but mine is just a bunch of dumb shit I got MYSELF into and never told anyone about, and I like to keep it that way… but I don’t like lying to healthcare professionals, even if they DO work for the abomination that is Kaiser Permanente.

Anyways… I’m off to make pizza, and I think I’ll be putting up a 300 Days of Sunshine entry. I’m not sure on what, yet, but I think I should. It’s nice to have some good in your life.

The Nice People Ripped Up My Gum Line

So I was flossing on Monday, as I try to do at least 3 times a week, cuz I’m a slacker but care about my dental health, and I pulled the floss out and my filling came with it.

I was scared in that moment, because the last time I had been to the dentist was when my wisdom tooth broke in half and they smashed all my wisdom teeth out of my head under local anesthetic: a process I do not recommend to anyone. (SERIOUSLY get knocked out for Wisdom Teeth Removal) I looked it up and I wrote about this experience already: you can read about the worst day of my life here. I’m sure that at least one person thinks that I was way over dramatic about it, but it really was the worst thing I’ve ever gone through. So, that day had ruined the dentist for me, and I hadn’t been in since December of 2014…

So after a tearful phone call to my mom to let her know I’d need to take time from work to go get it fixed, I took a codeine and went to bed. The tooth didn’t hurt or anything, I just was incapable of calming down because I was fucking scared of the dentist. I made an appointment the next day, anyway. I did decide I was not going back to the facility that repeatedly told me, “there’s no way you can feel anything” and during my wisdom teeth removal to, “stop crying.” I made an appointment with a facility by work.

I was scared to go in, obviously. I’d never been scared of the dentist before having my wisdom teeth out, and while I know that there’s no possible way they could grow back for the dentist to remove again, that didn’t calm my fears of being tortured at the hands of an unfeeling, mean-spirited dentist. I tried to stay calm, though…

My dentist was actually really nice. Since I was a new patient, before they took me back she just sat and asked me a few questions. There were medical questions, and then she asked the last time I’d been to the dentist. I considered lying… but why lie? I had ACTUAL PSTD about the dentists. Dentists know that their patients dread seeing them, as a result of that they have one of the highest suicide rates for a career. (You can google that if you don’t believe me… I’m not linking a sad article about the top suicide rates of careers, though.) The dentist just went, “Oh! You had a bad experience. Okay, we’ll make a note of that.

She noted that, and then proceeded to be the nicest dentist I’ve ever met.

She explained everything she was going to do in detail (cuz I’ve never gotten a cap before), and when we determined that I’d need a cap, she set to work numbing me up before she even did the exam. Fortunately, even thought I hadn’t been to the dentist in 2 years, there were no additional cavities, and the only unpleasant part of the exam was scraping off the tartar behind my lower front teeth.

That’s not to say there wasn’t pain, however. No, there was a lot of pain, as they had to grind down my tooth to be able to fit in the cap. So they gave me another shot… still hurt. So they gave me a third…. still hurt… And another, but it still hurt. Eventually, they just tried to do it as quickly as possible, because four shots of anesthetic is quite a lot and it was doing nothing. I did my best not to move or flinch or show signs of pain, but I couldn’t push my head back into the chair hard enough, and my body would tremble, and my eyes leaked. I didn’t bawl, like I did with my wisdom teeth, but I was crying. The dental tech felt bad and wiped away my tears while she set the cap.

I apologized a lot, but they just explained that I was hard to numb up. It happens, especially with people who are nervous. So, they made a note in my chart that next time they’d start with gas, to relax me, and that should help the needle sticks be more effective. No one was mad, just frustrated they didn’t manage to get me numb enough.

The tech set my temporary cap and warned me that it might fall off because they couldn’t control my bleeding… and I believe that, because they FUCKED UP my gum line. My mouth hurts a ton today, and my gum line around the tooth is incredibly raw, but the cap hasn’t popped off. I get my permanent cap in a couple of weeks. I accidentally booked myself for my vacation… but I guess that’s okay, really. Maybe not… I might reschedule.

Everyone was really nice to me, though, and while it definitely wasn’t a GOOD day, I’m not scared to go back to them. Which means I can get regular cleanings again, so that’s exciting.

Anyways… Kindness goes a long way. It makes a difference.