Am I depressed because I’m tired, or tired because I’m depressed?
I feel like this is the kind of question that a normal person doesn’t have to seriously ask themselves, but it’s a question I’m currently faced with.
I am perpetually tired. I wake up tired, I force my way through the day, and then I go home and go to bed early. It’s shitty. I don’t want to go to the gym, because I’m tired. I don’t want to go out with friends, because I’m tired. I don’t want to go to work, because I’m tired. I don’t want to get out of bed, because I’m tired.
I’m fucking tired, or being FUCKING TIRED.
It’s hard to live when you’re perpetually tired. Getting out of bed is the hardest battle of my day. On the weekends, sometimes I don’t get out of bed at all. Yesterday I got up at one in the afternoon. I only managed that because the dogs and I were hungry. When I do manage to get up, I can’t focus well. Work is hell, because it’s just me trying to focus and then having to redo whatever I was doing because I forgot what I was doing to start with. After work, I haven’t been able to make it to the gym much. I’m fucking tired. I look forward to going home, eating dinner, and sleeping. Consequently, I’m not enjoying my hobbies, because all I want to do when I get home is sleep. Also, my social life is suffering. I don’t have the energy to go out. I don’t want to be out. I want to be at home asleep. So, I’m not seeing my friends, either.
No hobbies, no socializing, no energy to exercise…. It’s no wonder I feel depressed.
Still, am I depressed because I’m tired? Or am I tired because I’m quite deeply depressed?
If I’m depressed, I’ve been depressed since about June… and that’s a problem, too.
I’m cut off contact with the friends I used to have. I talk to all of three people regularly, now. I tell myself it’s because they weren’t great friends… and maybe that’s partially true. They weren’t, but who really is? I haven’t had a real best friend since that girl that stopped talking to me because her boyfriend (who she eventually married and started a family with) didn’t like me. I don’t have someone I feel like I can talk to about anything important.
People always tell you that you can tell them things… but have you actually had someone open up to you? It’s awful. You like them, sure, but you can’t HELP them. What do they really think you can offer them in the way of consolation or advice? I think about this when the thought crosses my mind to tell someone anything. And then I don’t tell anyone anything.
I did go to the doctor, though. Since I’ve been tired since JUNE I decided that warranted a doctor visit. She asked if I’d been sick, and as polite as I could I told her I’d been sick a couple of weeks ago, but not since June. She did a depression survey, and I took time to mention that I’m bipolar, and how I couldn’t be sure if I’m tired because I’m depressed or depressed because I’m tired. We also discussed how I don’t seem to be cycling (I thought about that later and realized I am cycling, just not to the extremes I’m really used to since I’m exhausted ALL THE TIME). In the end, she ordered me a Pulse Oximiter to wear while I sleep to see if maybe I have sleep apnea, and ran a whole lot of blood tests (about six vials worth) and last night I got the call back on it.
I was honestly hoping that there was something wrong with my thyroid or liver. You see, I get really angry when they run all these tests and there’s NOTHING to explain why I feel bad. If they can’t find anything wrong with me, they can’t fix it. It happens a lot, and not just to me. My mom is notorious for thinking she’s dying and the doc not being able to determine why. I don’t, for a second, believe that there’s nothing wrong with me… but according to the blood tests, there’s nothing to explain why I’ve been incapable of being a proper human being since June.
My blood tests revealed I have a viral infection. They didn’t specify what KIND of viral infection, so I don’t know if it’s residual from being sick after going to hang with Bren when Michael was sick (I was so sick after that… and I didn’t even touch the kid) or like an Epstein Barr Viral infection… but they want to see me in a month to see if the infection is gone… Also, my vitamin D levels are REALLY low. They like to see people with a score above 30, but according to the internet a score of 20-50 is considered fine. Mine is 10. So, they want me to take 10k units of vitamin D.
Here’s the thing about vitamin D. When my mom came up with a vitamin D deficiency, the doc told her to take 10k units of it a day. That caused an overdose and she became weak and her whole body hurt. So when you’re deficient, it can cause brittle bones and MIGHT cause fatigue. When you OD you are subjected to pain and weakness. Vitamin D is scary.
So instead of following orders, I’ll be taking 5k units a day… assuming I can remember to take it. They also want to see me in a month to see if the viral infection is gone. So… I’m not real confident that I’m going to feel better any time soon.
I’m going to see if I can WILL myself to feel better.
Make myself go to the gym.
Make myself get back into illustration.
Make myself be social… maybe…
I feel exhausted and sad just thinking about it…
Well I haven’t heard from the Robot Boy in four days. And even then, I only heard from him sparingly. It’s really okay, though. I don’t have time for a real significant other, and I get the feeling that we have different expectations for what a significant other does. I’m not opposed to friends, but I think I’m done pursuing that as relationship potential. It just ends up feeling burdensome anyways… Rather be alone.
Thanksgiving has come and gone. It was fine. We did steak and shrimp… and did nothing. Lol. We never do anything for holidays, and honestly… I like that about is. I hear about these holidays where families get together and everything is so formal or has to be some kind of way, and they do family pictures and people fight and cry, and it just sounds EXHAUSTING. I’ll take our snacking and movie watching day over an actual family gathering any day of the week.
I wish I had something interesting to report, but I don’t. I’ve dodged the social engagements I was actually invited to, and generally I spend all my time alone. I’ve been trying to get back into crafting and stuff, but it’s slow goings to recover from my hiatus. I’m tired and I’ve been really depressed. And I’m FUCKING TIRED OF BEING DEPRESSED.
What really gets to me is that no one seems to have really noticed. Maybe that’s normal American etiquette. Maybe I’ve been really good at not being conspicuous about my withdrawal. I just default to thinking that no one really cares whether I’m around. Maybe that’s true. Maybe not. I don’t know.
I just know that right now I’m lonely, and the lonelier I get, the more antisocial I get.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Hopefully tonight I can log some Pokemon Sun time… That would be nice.
I didn’t manage to get either of my podcasts done this weekend.
Life just didn’t have that in the cards for me, I guess.
I didn’t have a bad weekend. I just feel… drained AF.
Friday night I drove up to Robot Boy’s place. He wanted to take me out for sushi, but there was some kind of vague family emergency that TO ME and the small amount of information I gleaned from him, boiled down to “he loaned money to a fiscally irresponsible relative, because he’s nice like that.” Maybe there’s more to it, I dunno, I didn’t pry. So, he couldn’t afford to take me to sushi or go out. It’s fine, though, cuz we went to a Mexican joint instead. I paid for dinner while he paid for drinks, and it was a nice meal regardless. Then we went back to his place and watched some Netflix, with no chill.
We also watched YouTube, because he wanted to show me HarmonQuest. This is a show where Dan Harmon (writer for Rick & Morty, Community, and Monster House) got some people together and played Dungeons and Dragons… And you watch them, and they animate the adventure, too… and it’s a good time. I actually really liked it and killed the whole season the next day. It also made me want to play D&D, or a variation thereof.
Fortunately for me, I have some geeky friends. I went to see Bren on Saturday. His kid was sick, but I brought some girl beer and bought us dinner. We tried to play one of his more complicated board games, but got side-lined by the kid in a weird state of consciousness. So, instead we just hung out and discussed MAYBE playing an RPG. He’d love to play! He wanted to start a Pathfinder game at his place. He just doesn’t want to DM.
Oddly enough, in my many vast and varied adventures in dating mega-geeks, I have been interested in pen-and-paper RPGs before… and subsequently already had a couple of books. The thing is that, like many things I gather for love of the idea, no one ever wanted to play with me. So I’ve had two books sitting in my basement since I was 21 that I haven’t ever used. They are World of Darkness and WoD: Asylum. A Horror RPG is really more up my alley than a Fantasy one. I am, admittedly, not great at being a half-orc…
I got home from Bren’s and proceeded to sleep from 8pm to 8am… which is weird for me, but I haven’t felt great, recently… Sunday I watched more HarmonQuest and got to thinking. It would be fun to do something new and I could maybe Skype in my friend that moved away so we can hang out. So, I dug out my books and flipped through them, a “dungeon” forming in my head, and that’s when I realized that I don’t know how to write an RPG dungeon. I really don’t.
When my ex used to make one for his D&D group, he used graph paper and stuff… but he never even helped me make a character, much less explain how to build a dungeon. Robot Boy helped me make a character, but he used a stat generator to randomize my character and I just got to build the personality. So I did what any modern curious human would do… I googled that shit.
Lots of poking around the internet and I ordered some helper books. Bren also sent me a neat website that will help you build a dungeon. While it’s designed for a pretty classic fantasy dungeon, it does come with a scifi ship layout, and I bet I could use it and some graph paper to help me map out my own Asylum Dungeon…
So all that happened… and, I’m fucking tired today.
We have auditors, but at least they aren’t the malicious ones.
My head hurts and I seem to be having an allergic reaction to SOMETHING… which is new, cuz I never had allergies before…
I just want to go home and sleep more… but I told mom we should hit the gym after work.I weighed myself today… and I’m definitely at the heaviest I’ve ever been…
I’m nervous about it. I want to do better, but I’m not good at diet or exercise… but I’m going to try. For lunch this week I am bringing steamed veggies, and I am trying to hit the gym, and my big thing is I’m not buying soda anymore (I have a 2 liter of Fanta to finish up at home, but I’m not buying more).
Lots of stuff is happening… It’s all exhausting.
It was a weird weekend…
Saturday I was depressed after Suicide Squad. I dunno why. It kind of perked up after Mothership invited me over for dinner, though. We ordered Chinese and watched Z for Zachariah. The movie was not the post-apocalyptic joy ride I was hoping for. It was more of a chick flick disguised as post-apocalyptic flick… I don’t really recommend it to anyone looking for post-apocalyptic movies… but maybe to people that like chick flicks… I don’t like chick flicks, though, so I’m not sure if it was a good chick flick.
Sunday I woke up hating myself.
It’s not a new occurrence, or even a rare one… but I debated staying in bed and wallowing in my misery. I’ve done it a lot, especially in summer when my room is a thousand degrees (I have no AC) and it’s just an overall miserable experience. Instead, I got up and decided that if I was going to be miserable, I could be miserable and accomplish something.
I am the kind of worker that’s best under a deadline, but for things in my normal life that I don’t really want to do, I’m the kind of person that’s most motivated to work when told that I can’t do something. I dunno why… but if you try to tell me that I can’t do something I automatically want to prove you wrong and punch you. I temper that with reason. If you tell me that I can’t climb Everest… you’re right and we’ll go with that. If you tell me that I can’t climb a 14er… I will either prove you wrong or literally die trying.
This mentality can and does get me in trouble.
But, I got up and decided to do something. It helped that Keagan had an accident in the living room. I got pissed. I’m super productive when pissed. I wasn’t pissed at HIM, because he’s old and accidents happen, but I was sprang from hating myself to hating EVERYTHING. A manic rage is a really productive place for me if I channel it right. So, I put the dogs outside, cleaned up the mess, bagged up all my art shit that I’m not using and took it downstairs, disassembled the dining table and took it downstairs, and asked my mom to help me drag the sofa out to the garage. I also did some dishes.
I’m not currently artsy, too busy to find inspiration, so my art shit was just covering up my dining table, which in turn was just cluttering up my main floor. With those things out of the way I got to move the dog kennels around so that I’m not tripping over them.
The sofa and I have a love/hate relationship. I love having a sofa. I hate the accumulation of dog hair and generally how stained up it’s gotten over the years. I also hate the slip cover because to me it just looks tack as fuck. On top of that, I have the irritating habit of falling asleep on my sofa. It puts a crick in my neck and it’s a super bad habit… so I just gave in and decided it’s gotta go. Mothership is getting a dumpster when she’s off and that, the old dog chair, and some other furniture I’m purging is going in it. She will also be cleaning out her garage, so she’ll have stuff to put in it.
With my main floor mostly empty now, I feel better. I mean, I like to have things, but sometimes I clutter my own life, and it makes everything harder. I also took down a bunch of wall art that I’m just going to give to Good Will. The vampire girl Vaun gave me for my 20th birthday. The Reyes Coral Hotel sign that I held onto in hopes that I would one day reconcile with my dad. My first painting, which isn’t very good but not too bad. The butterfly pictures I stole from Vaun when he was redecorating his dad’s place.
My goal now is to get the main floor painted… Gonna do a blue-tinged white for a calming effect. After that, I wanna tackle the bathroom, then my bedroom, and I figure I can come back to the basement in the winter… ON DAY I WILL BE ABLE TO UTILIZE THE TWO ROOMS DOWN THERE!!! But I figure my current living space is more important.
I was going to try to do more in the evening, because I was exhausted by noon, but I had forgotten that Mothership and I were going to go see Culture Club. For the best, really. I probably wouldn’t have gotten anything done.
I love Boy George! And we were 2nd row from the stage… so like… bad ass seats. It was a great night out! Here are the outfits.
He looked amazing and sounded great. He’s so much fun. ^_^
The ride home was an irritation. Mom walks slow. Downtown Denver is a little shady right now, because we’ve had a rise in homeless population. I’m not saying all homeless people are dangerous, but there have been reports of interactions with them going south, recently. It’s just a thing… people keep moving here… including homeless people. I don’t know why, and I wish they’d stop. So, I had to get us back to a light rail station without her getting mugged… It was mostly fine, but I also started to get a migraine, and it makes me irritable, so I had to try and check my actual feelings and try to be upbeat.
The obnoxious white lights on the train didn’t help the migraine, and it was pretty much full blown when we got back to our station. I asked if Mothership wanted McDonald’s, since it was like 1130 and I knew she was hungry… she did… which was fine, except that it was the slowest service I’ve ever had in my life. Looked like they were short-staffed for the evening and got an unexpected rush. So we had to sit through that.
This morning I woke up and still had the migraine. It sucked. Took some Excedrin and just tried to get to work. Then when I got to work, everything went to hell.
I’m holding up oddly well for someone with bipolar and a migraine… Kinda sad, but I think I’ll make it through the day. Gotta talk to Sean about my role here, though. I’m not sure that the Finance people know how to utilize me, as much as they’re just wanting to train me to be a 3rd finance person.
Not sure how to handle that delicately…