The Bottom of the Deep Blue Sea

I found a new band / song that I must listen to until I hate it.

I’ve been hanging out in the blue a lot… things haven’t gotten better at work… things aren’t better in my life, either… I can’t always keep up the optimism… and that really just adds to the feeling that I’m failing, even though I’m working as hard as I can on things in life.

I started writing a book. Scifi novel. I gotta get back on it before I’m away from it too long. I think it’s gonna be a good one if I can get it all down. Writing is a new hobby for me… but I think it could be therapeutic. I got a lot of feelings… maybe I can get some out via my novel.

I put my stationary bike together! But I haven’t ridden it yet… maybe tomorrow… I’d like to do it. I’m just so tired…

I dunno… life is hard right now… but… when is it not?

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Guys, We Didn’t Talk About Resolutions

January has been crap, but my number one resolution for this year is TRYING to stay positive. I have a fun little positivity book I’m supposed to update daily and everything. I’m not updating daily… but I’m trying.

Other resolutions:

  • No internet dating
    • Read: {embrace that I’m not emotionally available to anyone}
  • Exercise more
    • Read: {be able to walk around without having an asthma attack}
  • Eat better
    • Read: {stop binge eating Chipotle when I’m sad}
  • Spend Less
    • Read: {stop buying art supplies, books, and Coca Cola on the daily}
  • Hydrate
    • Read: {drink something besides Coke and Sweet Tea}

So, I decided to cut internet dating because it doesn’t work and it makes me feel bad about myself. Also, though, I don’t make it easy for people to get to know me or even talk to me. I’m abrasive, closed off, and historically I prefer to make boys cry than let them violate me. So, I think in my year of preparation for being 30 (because 30 is death when you’re a woman, you know /s) I should just deal with that. I know who I am, and I know that I’m fine being alone, but I’ve grown so accustomed to the pursuit of a significant other that life without internet dating, even as terrible as it is, feels new and different. And I could definitely use some new and different in my life.

My ultimate goal with exercising and eating better is weight loss, and ideally I know I want to get back to high school weight (which is still fat, btw… like 60 lbs overweight still) but I don’t want to pin myself down to that number. I want to be able to walk without getting winded and I want to feel better physically more than I want to wear a certain size or see a certain number on the scale. I’m excited for my stationary bike to get here, because I’m motivated to do a thing. (It’s so rare that I’m motivated to do ANYTHING.) It’s supposed to come at the beginning of February. My mom also got me an Instant Pot for working so hard, so I’m excited to see what I can make with it and hopefully manage my caloric intake/expenditure better. I have this tendency to make everything about my weight, and while I am ENORMOUS (I’m not gonna sugar coat it, cuz then I might eat it) {as a fat person I get to make fat jokes guilt free} these resolutions aren’t inherently about my weight: they are about my health and my sense of well-being.

I finally got to really test out my Instant Pot that mothership got me, and I’m living for it. Today I made supa bomb green chili steak with rice and black beans, an amazing chicken soup, and a veggie side dish thing that’s essentially broccoli and cauliflower rice with peas and corn cooked in sofrito. It’s intended to be a side to whatever I make for dinner the next couple of days, which will probably be some chicken or fake turkey roast (Quorn brand non-meats are just tasty, y’all.)

Spending less is a resolution I often have, because I live in a comfortable debt. I have a mortgage, car payment, student loans, credit card debt, etc. I live pretty comfortably, and I don’t think too much about money most of the time, but I do buy things needlessly and I’d prefer to get out of debt instead of just repeatedly feeding it. Most notably, I have a tendency to put out a ton of money for art supplies and books. Of the things I could waste my money on, these aren’t the worst things, but I have stockpiled a supply of both. So, my goals are not to buy anymore, the exceptions being that if I use all of an art supply I can buy ONE more and if I take five books to sell or donate, I can buy one book (in theory using the money from selling the book). I also tend to overspend on groceries, so I’m hoping eating in a more health-conscious way will also help me spend less. Portion control can bleed into money, right?

Saying I want to hydrate for a resolution sounds like a very millennial thing to say, but the truth is that I have a tendency to avoid drinking actual water, and for a long time last year I was drink gallons of water a day, and it does wonders for everything from my skin to my appetite. Recently I got back into the habit of drinking Coca Cola and Monster, as well as a copious amount of iced teas. The teas don’t bother me that much, because it’s only 1 cup of sugar to a whole pitcher of tea, which I think is about a gallon and a half. The coke is out of hand, which is a startling sentence. I really gotta stop drinking so much processed crap, though. While I drink zero-calorie energy drinks, I can tell when I’m dehydrated because I get all swollen and wanna take a nap. I don’t know what I’m going to do to replace my caffeine intake… caffeine is definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to kick, but I know I can do this since I’ve done it before.

Also, I’ve quit smoking. I don’t really know how long it’s been since I smoked… which is not something most smokers will tell you, but I never really smoked on the daily. I always smoked when I went out, and I haven’t been going out, so that made it an unconscious decision to quit. I’ve decided to stick with it, though. I often find myself wanting one, but I just push it down. It’s been really hard recently, because I’ve found it’s really hard to live without a vice.

I don’t have that many vices, and it’s unfortunate that the one I have makes me feel terrible. With the obscene amounts of stress I’ve been under since the new year started, I could really use a vice, but…I don’t drink alone as a rule (cuz I have been known to develop a real bad drinking habit), I quit smoking, I can’t bring myself to become a stoner (I live in Denver, it’s legal, but I still might wanna find a new job at some point and have no idea how to detox, and in my industry we still follow federal regulations), and actual drug use (like abusing my stockpile of Xanax) has never really appealed to me. So, I’m often left with eating as a vice. Even if I make the healthiest food, I have a severe problem with portion control and as a result I’m fat and suffering physical ailments related to my size. Honestly, I have toyed with the idea of living on zero-calorie Monster and cigarettes and just giving up food… but I already had my battle with not eating, as well as the vicious binge-and-purge cycle, and I’m not sure I could win again.

My hands have suffered in place of my lack of vice, too, because I had stopped biting my nails for most of 2017, and I’ve just massacred them since the new year started. THEY ACTUALLY HURT. It’s not even just biting on them, either. I have a tendency to take clippers to try and “fix” the damage and cut them so much shorter than I even ripped them down to. I clip till they bleed, and to be honest that part is so satisfying. It’s like tiny self-harm that’s 100% socially acceptable. It really is just a self-harm substitute, cuz I end up biting and clipping when I’d prefer to squeeze tacks or jab myself with safety pins, etc. Fortunately, I don’t have to fight the cutting feelings a lot anymore, to the point I don’t even know how I used to do it, but the baseline compulsion is still there.

I guess one of my resolutions is to also try to leave my mental illness alone, as well. I’m aware I just talked about my eating disorder problems, and my self-harm problems, and that they were 100% unnecessary statements. I do that a lot. At some point I took my mental illness (bipolar I with anxiety, paranoia, delusions, and sociopathy if the doctors are to be believed) and made myself a chrysalis out of it to distance me from my life. I stopped going out, which is a thing I really enjoyed doing and often even did alone, but that’s not my fault because I have anxiety and staying home was just self-care. It’s a lie, but it sounds nice, right? I have awful paranoia surrounding other people and their perceptions of me, so I just started rejecting ANY thoughts people MIGHT have about me, to the point that I just stopped exhibiting any empathy toward other human beings at all and shut myself off from all people emotionally. Not to mention that my rejection of their perception of me is so strong I stopped wearing makeup or trying to take pride in my appearance. I’ve just been phoning it in for years under the pretense that the feminist movement allows me to not wear makeup, even though I like makeup and really kind of miss having the motivation to put it on. I could go on, but my point is that I’m using my mental illness like some kind of bubble to keep myself from being responsible for my life.

I’m not the kind of person to do that. I’m not the kind of person that gives myself permission to check out because of my crazy. I’ve never taken an actual mental health day. I’ve rarely lost control of my emotions outside my home, because normal people don’t mood swing, so I’m just not allowed to do it. You go home, have a break down, get up, and go to work the next morning, because that’s what normal people are supposed to do. The few times my emotions have gotten the better of me, I just bottle it back up as fast as I can, claim I threw up a lot and that’s why my face looks this way, all tear-streaked and spotty, and continue with my day under the guise of illness. I do not give myself permission to hide behind my mental illness like it’s a reason to be different, and I know that people with mental illness will tell you how unhealthy my approach is, but it’s how I get by in life.

Anyways, I want to stop using my crazy as an excuse for the things I’m doing to myself. I’m secluding myself from people I was good friends with. I’m using my mental illness as an excuse to look proper shite. My house has never been “clean” but it’s gotten worse and my excuse is just that I’ve been depressed…. I’m depressed every damn day for some amount of time, so that’s not a great excuse for me. I have to learn to deal with that shit. I’m… I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to ever open up emotionally ever again. I reserve that for having mental breakdowns on the phone with my mom. Still, I could get over the rest. I have before. Will I be happier? Fuck no. I’ll be miserable. But… I’m fucking miserable everyday anyways. So what’s the difference between miserable and gross or miserable and eyeliner sharp enough to cut someone? At least one of those projects a sense of wellness, even if it’s an illusion built on Smashbox.

So. That’s where I’m at, guys. It’s not a great place, but it’s not the worst I’ve been.

At least we finally hired a biller…
Well… technically she’s the second biller we hired, but the first one didn’t pass the drug test and wasn’t comfortable stopping her THC meds long enough to get a clean test. For what reason, I don’t know, but I sympathize. People are using THC and other weed products for a lot of things these days. It’s unfortunate, cuz I liked that biller, but she has to do what’s best for her. This other biller seems good if she stays. Typical car industry gal, but I think she’s teachable.

Aight, I gotta go to bed. It snowed a fuck ton and I will prolly have to drive in it tomorrow since Mothership has the norovirus I had over New Year.

Peace.

EDIT: I almost forgot! How could I forget?! Rick Died.

My mom’s best friend has been living with, but not married to, her significant other for 20+ years, and one day last week she went home and found him dead in the front yard. We went over immediately, obviously.

He was still lying in the yard when we got there, surrounded by a fire truck and cop cars. You’d be amazed how long it takes to get a body removed. He was out there in the cold for hours… almost three hours from when we got there. Probably three and a half hours total from being found and called in. They have to call people and take pictures and you have to see the grief counselors and stuff… it’s a lot.

We went to the viewing Friday after work. He had to be autopsied. Because she wasn’t married to him, our friend doesn’t know how he really died, though. It’s weird you can live with someone for 20+ years and not be entitled to be their next of kin at all. It didn’t seem to be the fall, so he probably had a heart attack or another stroke. He gets cremated tomorrow, and I hope that gives her some real closure, especially since his friends and family seem to be such fucks. Weddings, funerals, and holidays always bring out the absolute worst in human beings.

I haven’t seen a dead body since my grandfather died. I was really emotional about it at 14, but this time it was nothing. It’s not like I didn’t know the guy, or that I was in shock. I just… didn’t really care about the body. It was there. It was Rick. He was dead. People were crying. I just felt nothing about it, other than it was really unfair to not let the spouse sit with him. I get the investigation portion of body removal, but it was three hours of being told you can’t touch the body in your yard that used to be someone you love, and that feels so wrong. At the viewing I staid away from him, cuz, tbh, the mortuary made him look like a bad Tussaud figure. I just knew that if I got too close I’d wanna poke him or something else completely inappropriate for when you’re viewing a dead body.

So… not sure what to do about my total lack of feelings about a dead body. Makes me a little more serial killer than I’m entirely comfortable with, but maybe it just means I’d make a good mortician. I’ve considered it.

Less Full of Despair Today

Month end without a biller is hard. Year end without a biller was a nightmare I didn’t know I could half-enjoy. I like being busy, but the additional stress definitely got to me, along with everything else in my life. But, I’m doing better today, mostly.

We did some interviews and found a couple girls to bill. We decided to hire both, because we need both. I don’t think the GM intends on selling LESS cars, so if the volume continues to increase we are really going to need the help. Plus, there’s so many things we’ve been neglecting that really should be getting done. At least if we can spread the work out it’s not a daunting job, and we can get some stuff done.

In the interim, my mom/boss has gone out of her way to show appreciation for me holding the office together with her. She bought me an InstaPot, most recently. It’s a neat pressure cooker that also slow cooks, makes rice, beans, soup… it does a myriad of things, and I’m excited to use it a lot. We found a nice little 3 qt one so I’m not making a butt ton of food. She also got me an exercise bike so I can try to lose some weight, but that doesn’t get here until February.

I’m trying to stay optimistic. It’s been hard, because my anxiety is OUT OF CONTROL, but I’m still trying. At the end of the day, that’s all I can do.

Now, I have to go finish a book, cuz I’m falling behind on my book-a-week resolution already.

Holiday Party Pains In The Ass

People are so shitty… It makes you wonder why you would even bother trying to be nice.

My boss tried to put together a holiday party, seeing as the GM and the company aren’t doing anything for it this year. She bought Qdoba for the office and bought everyone a silver ornament with Swarovski crystals and a bottle of wine. She also organized a totally optional gift exchange, and was just trying to do something nice. My boss doesn’t even like Christmas. It’s a stressful time of year for she and I, and she just wanted to do something nice for the office girls to show her appreciation for them.

In particular, this one chick was just fucking miserable. She’s on a diet she swears is going to get her into a size 6, which is fine, but to avoid eating the Qdoba she intentionally scheduled an appointment so she left during the party. On top of that, my boss went out of her way to find this woman a legit diet wine to go with her diet. Not only was she completely unappreciative, she fucking gave the wine away immediately, and the ornament because she’s moving so she didn’t want a small ornament with her initial.

I get not wanting presents. I’ve gotten many I don’t want, and the POLITE thing to would have been to take them home and then throw them away.

I know it shouldn’t be a huge deal, but this woman is fucking rude all the time. She has no fucking decorum, and my boss has defended this for her before when she’s snapped at someone she shouldn’t. At some point you have to watch what fucking hand you bite, cuz the lady that signs your paychecks and defends your dumbass when you fuck up is NOT the one you should be hurting the feelings of.

Also, can I just say I’m so fucking sick of hearing about my other coworker being homeless? Which she’s not, really. She met a guy online, and never spoke to him, but decided he was her fiance, and then sent him all her rent money, got kicked out of her apartment, and she’s crashing on an air mattress with some people from her church. She’s lucky she’s got nice church people to help her out, cuz I’m sick of her dumbass. WHO FALLS FOR THAT?! Furthermore, she ran around here asking everyone for money, and then when it all went to shit she ran around here telling everyone she’s homeless. We fucking know why you’re homeless, you did it to yourself, and I don’t fucking care anymore.

Also, there’s the new chick, who quite noticeably hates working in here. I’d tell her to get out and find a new job, but the pregnant chick goes on maternity leave at the end of the month and I need the new chick to help out. When preggers gets back, whatever…

Pregnant chick is irritating, too. She went months being sad and angry, then happy and told everyone she was pregnant, and now she’s moody, but also I’m discovering all the things she doesn’t understand about her job. I will never get someone who can do a job and have no idea WHY they do something. How do you do something daily and not know WHY you do it? It’s crazy.

I guess I take all this shit personally because making my boss’ life hard means they’re making my mom’s life hard. That’s the downside of working with family… I take it personally. I could have brutally murdered the rude ass diet chick today, and strung her organs around the office as Christmas decoration. Because I know how hard my mom tries to show these girls she appreciates them, even though half of them don’t understand their job, the other half doesn’t do their shit right, and all of them are fucking drama llamas… and all my mom did was try to makeup for the short-comings of the company, since the GM has gone all Scrooge McDuck and just wants to swim in a vault of coin instead of show any appreciation for his workers that he doesn’t talk to or know anything about, myself included.

It’s all just so shitty. I’ve been trying SO HARD to get a little festive this year. I put up both my little black Christmas trees. I wrapped presents in actual wrapping paper this year. I bought cards to send out. I decorated my desk at work. Christmas isn’t a fun time of year for me, and I generally hate it, but I’m trying SO FUCKING HARD this year, and people just ruin it.

Mom and I are supposed to go to Zoo Lights tonight… trying to be festive, since we’ve both been crazy sick and haven’t wanted to do much of anything… and I dunno if we’re gonna make it there. I’m not sure we’ll even enjoy it if we do. The perk of not working with family is that when you see each other it’s a vacation from work… mom and I are just a continuation of work… a reminder of the shitty place we have to go everyday in spite of hating everyone we work with.

I just wanted to try to have a nice Christmas this year… but I don’t think it’s going to happen.

Easter Weekend: Trying to Be a People

Last week sucked. It sucked hard.

I was very low Monday after my pharmaceutical FIASCO. Tuesday… I was weirdly better. It’s a trend I’ve noticed, that when I hit rock bottom I tend to be better, because apathy kicks in. The less I care, the happy I often am, but it’s not a cure all. The rest of the week was still a struggle. I was still down, having had all my hopes and dreams of feeling better dashed to the ground, and spit on, and kicked by Kaiser Permanente,but the weekend was a pleasant relief.

I was unusually social.

Friday I went to David 2’s to watch RuPaul and Martha & Snoop. HOW DID WE MISS THE RETURN OF MARTHA & SNOOP? We still don’t know, but we’re happy to catch up. I worry about David 2, because he has a substance abuse problem. It seems that every weekend he has to get as drunk and high as humanly possible. While I’m not hating on people that like to get twisted, I feel like it’s not a good thing to need that every weekend… and high as a kite every single night. That’s my dad. That’s exactly how my dad is. Oddly enough… all three of us (David 2, myself, and dad) are all bipolar… I hope I don’t ever fall into that habit. I had fun, though. We shared music and watched TV and microwaved Peeps in honor of Easter!

​(This is not our picture… We microwaved one on a paper towel, and then a whole box of them… but like… I needed a melty peep pic… I needed it.)

Saturday Mothership and I got our hair done. I whacked all mine off. It’s pretty normally colored, though. Got some rose gold and pinks for spring. It’s cute, and there’s nothing better than whacking off your hair when you’re having an emotional crisis. I convinced Mothership to whack hers off, too. She looks younger with a cut closer to her head.

Afterwards, I took her to Ulta, because I wanted lip plumper. I like lip plumper. I like when it hurts. I got Buxom, if you’re curious. The shade is Samantha. While we were there, however, they were doing free makeovers for spring. I did not get a makeover… I have a certain look that I do, and I don’t like people trying things with my look. BUT these were older women, and they noticed Mothership’s eyebrow situation… as in, she has none. I convinced her to let this woman show her how easy it is to pencil on eyebrows. It really is easy. She ended up getting the box the chick used, and some cream to bleach her dark spots.

Meanwhile… I discovered Nyx.

I’ve been a pretty loyal Smashbox girl for years, but it’s so expensive. Nyx is pretty cheap… and the COLORS are amazing. I conned myself into some ridiculously colored lipsticks, eyeliner, and even a contour kit… I’m not great at contouring yet, but I’m working on it. I figured that going back to putting on makeup in the morning would help me feel more like a person… and since I’m still so depressed that it’s hard for me to even shower regularly, figured I’d take it up a notch… because why not make it harder?

#TryingToBeAPeople

I’m trying to figure out contouring, too.

I went to see Missa Saturday afternoon. I gave her a box of painting supplies. I’m trying to ween myself off having SO MANY hobbies, because it takes up room. So I gave her all that, and now I just gotten figure out who to unload my yarn on. She was happy to see me, which was weird for me… I don’t have a lot of confidence in most people actually liking me. She invited me to hang out for a couple of hours and we just caught up. Then Lola came home and we talked about her starting a makeup channel on YouTube. I told her that I’d love to help, even if she just wants to put stuff all over my face. Much to my surprise, she messaged me this morning to make plans for Thursday. So… it’s weird, but good.

When I got done at the Polygon (literally we call it that because a ton of poly people just move in and out of there all the time, with Lola, Rhonda, and Missa being the constants), I zipped out to Lakewood to see Bren. Shaunna got off work early, and we all ate ribs and hung out, and I kicked Bren’s ass twice in Star Realms. Lol. It was a good time. I really enjoyed the socializing.

Sunday was Easter! We did nothing.

Well, that’s not true… Mom got me a dark chocolate bunny, a small box of Russel Stover’s, and a bag of apple flavored gummy bears… and then we went to the grocery store, and I wasted the rest of the day with the dogs watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, Season 7. Lol.

I enjoyed doing nothing.

Tuesday is my phone call with the psychiatric nurse, and then I’m off until next Wednesday. So… Just gotta get through the current chaos…

How Many Times?

::queue Insane Clown Posse song from my youth that I never admit to liking but secretly know all the words to::

How many times will I restart a diet? How many times will I fail?

In this case… one more time.
So here I go again. I’m not happy about it. I’m not going to get my hopes super up… but I’m going to try. I’m going to try REALLY hard.

I found a website yesterday that showed me how I look now, versus how I COULD look if I reached my ideal weight.

modelmydiet.com

It was a really interesting moment for me.

You see… I’ve never been thin. I’ve been THINNER, but never thin. As far back as I can remember weighing myself, I’ve been 200lbs plus. So unlike some people that were once thing, and then became overweight, I’ve never had a comparison of what I could be. I just have always been me.

This imagine is probably the most inspirational thing I’ve seen in my weight loss journey. It’s defining. It gives a certain amount of tangibility to my journey and what I could accomplish if I really stick to it. It made me sad, though, because I am so far from this goal (135 lbs far, to be exact). Still, seeing it, seeing the end goal, is so much better than anything I could come up with in my head.

If you like this, btw, and would like to see how you would look at goal weight, the website was www.modelmydiet.com.

Whelp… I’m 23… (Sorta)

I’ve decided that I’m going to be 23 this year. In reality, I’m biologically 26, but I’ve decided that I want the past three years back, so I’m just going with it. It makes me feel better, and I think that if you’re gonna lie about your age, you should start early so people notice less later.

Last year I made goals. I didn’t keep those goals. So, they reset this year. My new weight goal is to lose 111-126 pounds. It’s three pounds less than last year, so I dunno what the hell I weighed last year, but I could look it up if I get curious. I’m fucking huge… something has to give. Nothing I’ve tried really works, though. I can’t keep to anything. So… I dunno what I’m going to do. I’m not making a plan, I’m just going to see if I can lose it by sheer power of will… coupled with trying really hard not to binge eat.

The binge eating gets me every time.

This year I DID stop smoking… so that’s a positive life choice. I also took up cooking vegan/vegetarian dishes. They’re not really less caloric, but there’s something to be said about trying to eat more veg. So, we’ll see if upping my vegetarian/vegan meal intake affects my weight. My friend is a raw vegan, and she’s lost a ton of weight, so there’s got to be something behind the concept of higher veg intake. I’m not sure I can do raw vegan, though… I mean… Maybe… I dunno.

I cooked the last of my pasta last night, since that’s a big downfall for me. I started making cucumber noodles, which it crazy tasty with nutritional yeast on it. So that should replace some cals as soon as the chicken and spinach pasta is gone. In the meantime I will enjoy my pasta… I love pasta.

I dunno, man. I have been trying to lose weight my entire life. It feels so hopeless. I’ve done it before, and the weight came back and brought friends, so that’s just… shit. The fat trap is real… and the struggle to dodge it, even more so. It’s really depressing.

I am going to try to get more active, but I haven’t decided WHEN I’ll do that. I’m trying to finish a blanket for Maria for Christmas… and I think the end of that will be when I start doing the elliptical that I have to hate so much. I just don’t like the one I have… it has such a small gait… I’m not short enough for it… but… I gotta do something… Even if it’s just because in 2 years I’ll be invited to a high school reunion… Vanity is my best motivator… For real.

Anyways…
No boyfriends. No job changes. Nothing interesting to report. Think I’m back to being asexual after breaking my stint of celibacy in September… I’m glad I didn’t blog about that. I make bad life choices for no reason other than to sabotage myself. It’s a flaw.

So. Here’s to a new year for me… and starting my life goal of not being fat all over again.