Side Effects

It’s 3am and I’m awake for two reasons… 1, I had to Pee but 2, Abilify fucks with your dreams.

The weekend was weird for me and side effects. 

Friday night I went to karaoke. Does Abilify interact with alcohol? Absolutely, but not like I thought it would. Usually you end up being a lightweight and acting a fool when you try to drink on new drugs. This was not the case, I was just very social. Literally, I didn’t feel drunk at all….  until I was driving home and became aware VERY QUICKLYt that my reaction time was WAY slow… I made it home okay, since the bar was close to home, but in the future if I plan on drinking, it’s worth taking a Lyft. 
Also, as an aside, David2, Bird, and I got invited to an orgy before we left the bar. That’s fun. We all fled… stranger orgies are bad.

Saturday I thought I was dying. In retrospect, a few things probably contributed to this. A, I drank the night before. I didn’t have a hangover the next day, but I’m definitely considering that drinking might elicit more side effects than I previously thought it would. 2, I didn’t take my pill at night. I missed it because I was too busy trying to go out, so I took it in the morning. There is something to be said for what you sleep through when you take meds at night. D, I panicked. Panic always just makes shit worse.

So I go to see War for the Planet of the Apes with Mothership, and I can barely eat. I’ve developed this thing where I am full most of the time, but I get hungry more often. That’s not a listed side effect but it’s a new thing. Then, I get a heart palpitations. That’s a listed side effect, but it’s a terrifying one. I hate that feeling, and when it got coupled with a hot flash and intestinal distress, it’s a spooky side effect that made me think I was potentially having a heart attack. I got dizzy, and upset, and mom ended up having to drive us home.

Mom baffles me. As long as I can remember, if I’m feeling bad, she is meh about it. When I had a kidney stone that sent me to the ER, she took her time getting ready to take me to the ER. She was more concerned about whether I smelled like Jager than the crippling pain I was in. Likewise, when I told her I thought I might be having a heart attack because my heart was racing so bad, she just asked why. To which I quiteangrily said, BECAUSE MY HEART IS RACING AND EVERYTHING IS BAD. I love my mother, and sometimes her eerie calm is handy, like when I had gallstones and was so panicked and pained that all I could do was walk clockwise in a circle and writhe, but in general, her tendency to act unfeeling is unsettling, at best. I’ve begun to wonder if she’s really JUST depressed, or if she, like dad and I, has a mood or personality disorder. She could be histrionic… 

Anyways, she got me home and I spent the rest of the day trying to cool off and recover. That meant I was up late, though, so I filled the time with FFXV again. I also started War of the Worlds before bed. Being able to read again is nice.

Sunday was better. I was up early and got in some gaming time. Mostly I just hung out, but I’m real task oriented. I like to DO things that I was previously unable to do. I got some drawing in, and only suffered one hot flash. I went to mom’s and we watched two episodes of Twin Peaks, and ordered pizza. Before bed I also finished the 15th Oz book. There are 25 of them, but I am stopping here, because that’s how far my collection goes. It was an ok day.

But the dreams. I had been really concerned about the dreams, anyways, because when I was on Risperdol I had awful nightmares, but I’m not having nightmares. My dreams are just real involved. It’s like my cognitive processes don’t shut down at all when I sleep now, so it just runs scenarios over and over, trying to determine the best outcome. I’ve quit my job seven times tonight in my dreams. None end well.

Well, it’s 4am now, and I wanna catch my last hour of sleep. But yeah, I’m not sure what to make of Abilify. I contacted my doc to see what she thinks, but again, she’s a Kaiser doc! And I really don’t think she cares if I die or get better.

Where I’m At

I got a call back on one of the jobs I submitted my resume for in Oregon! I’m not sure that I’m what they’re looking for, though… We chatted, but I haven’t heard from them since to setup a real interview.

I’d like to continue to look for a job in Oregon. I think I’d like to live in the Eugene area. I haven’t been putting my resume out like I should be, though. I’m hesitant about it, and lost some of the inflated confidence in my abilities I had when I got home from Oregon. Work just does that to me. I feel like I’m drowning there. In reality, I know it’s not the job, but the people, who wear on me. The employee that won’t even ACT like she’s busy. The GM with lofty ideas he never thinks out. The excitable employee. The employee who talks in non-sequitur riddles. It’s a lot to deal with, and that’s not even the entire office.

I hope to get back to putting out my resume, soon, but this is also buying me some time to purge the house and really think about this.

I’ve got Mothership on board to leave if we can swing it, though. She’s not attached to anything here and is probably just glad I stopped talking about moving to California where we can’t afford anything. (I have to take her with me… leaving her here would be cruel and unusual.)


My diet is… going. I’m doing the 21 Day Fix, and I thought I was doing well, but maybe not. This week I was down 5lbs… and then this morning I was back up 3. I’m going to try not to weigh except on Monday mornings… I was really disappointed in the gain, even though it’s probably accurate. I wouldn’t have seen it as a gain if I hadn’t been weighing every single day; it would have just been 2 lbs down.

I am trying really hardtop commit to the diet, but my relationship with food is so weird that it’s real hard. I’m trying not to be hard on myself, cuz I’m still down 2 lbs…


Mentally, I’m having a better time than I thought I would.

I stopped my previous self-medicating and I was honestly expecting to crash and burn. I still get swings, but aside from crying at work I’ve been okay. I’ve been good at home; I’m trying to be social; and I’m working really hard keeping myself mostly okay. Being an unmedicated bipolar is hard.

I guess I just have to keep going.


Today was Memorial Day.
I don’t know any fallen veterans, so it’s really just a fortunate day off for me.

I got up and laid grass seed this morning. Then it hailed and I got pelted trying to move my car into the garage. My head is still tender, but at least the seed got some rain. I have to remember to water it again in the morning…

I didn’t see Mothership today, but I probably should have. She’s been having really bad sciatica type pain and it makes her getting around hard. I hung out with her this weekend, though, so I guess I did my due diligence.

We binge watched the first 4 episodes of Twin Peaks: The Return. It’s a little more crazy than the original was, but considering where it picked up, I guess that’s to be expected. We were really excited about its release, so it was a good excuse to hang out and for me to make her lunch on Sunday.

Saturday we saw Pirates of the Caribbean 5. It was entertaining. Not as good as 1-3, of course, but entertaining, and I’m excited for the next two that we’ve already been promised. Cap’n Jack Sparrow is more of a caricature in this one, as characters get to be as a really good gimmick gets older, but I still had a good time. And some guy in the theater spilled churro sauce on me… so that’s fun.


I guess that’s it for me. That’s where I’m at. Hoping that this week I can come home every night and find time to try and sort some stuff, purge some stuff, and stay motivated with the idea of moving in mind. Plus, eat right. Maybe go for some walks to boost that weight loss thing I’m attempting.

Staycation

I’ve been on vacation, but I didn’t go anywhere. We call that a staycation.

I made a big list of things to accomplish while I was off. Some were more realistic than others… I made a small dent on the list. Not nearly enough got done.

Wednesday I managed to wash Bdo and clean the kitchen; they are both still mostly clean. It wasn’t my most productive day…

Thursday binged watched RuPaul’s Drag Race… but I also bought new underoos. So… kind of productive?

Friday I was sick… like legit sick, too. Lots of vomiting and migraine symptoms were to be had, followed by an evening of pacing the living room in an attempt to cure the mystery abdominal pain that showed up at 2am. It hurt bad enough that I thought of going to the ER… but I didn’t want to pay the copay. I paced for about an hour and a half, and then managed to lay down in a position that didn’t hurt. It was a rough night. Also, the pacing irritated the shit out of the cat.

Saturday was the grand opening of Torrid at a nearby mall! So mom and I got up and went to stand in drizzle in the hopes of landing a gift card. We did not, but the whole store was buy one get one 50% so we bought some stuff! I got a sports bra, and it’s the most comfortable thing I’ve bought in ages. Debating going back to get more of them. We also hit Charming Charlie for some accessories. Then we had lunch. I’d been fine till after we ate, and the abdominal pain came back… so we came home and I just hung out the rest of the day. I was feeling better in the evening, so Bird and I went to see our friends play. It was a fun night, AND I got a guy’s phone number. So that’s weird.

Sunday, Mom and I went back to the mall. We hit TJ Maxx, and bought too much stuff, and then went to JC Penny, cuz Mom wanted dresses. We found no dresses. JC Penny was confusing. It was so hard to find women’s clothes… Then we hit Dress Barn, and then I went off to a movie with Bird. We saw Boss Baby, and I’m seriously curious how a Christian group hasn’t latched onto that movie to boycott it for being WAY homoerotic. After that, I came home and played FFXV while talking to Markimoo over the PS4. He even watched some gameplay and helped me out.

Today was… an emotional day. Everything I tried to do failed, and just getting up was really hard. I did manage to clean the dog run, even if I cried through it; and I got blackout curtains for the front window, which I also cleaned. I bought a curtain for the laundry closet, just so I don’t have to look at the cat box anymore, too. Then the cat threw up on the bed. It wasn’t overly productive, but it wasn’t a great lazy day, either.

I’m hoping to do something in my room tomorrow… hang up clothes, put shit away… it would really help round out staycation. Lol.

Nothing Happening

I’d love to tell you that a ton of stuff has happened, and people have been great for my birthday and stuff… but no. Lol.

My birthday is Halloween. That was cool when I was little, but it’s not as good now that I’m older. People are always so tied up with Halloween parties that no one really cares for a birthday party. So I don’t do anything for my birthday anymore.

Still, not ALL my friends are questionable about it. The playmates at the Polygon remembered. Lola made me a cake! Plus, they make a point to invite me every year. I love Missa, Rhonda, and Lola. They’re good people. I should see them more. I’m going to try to see them more.

The Robot Boy came to the party with me. I wasn’t going to invite him, but I ended up doing it anyways because he’s nice and I like associating with him. I THINK he had fun. Hard to say, since he’s so terribly quiet… but we learned about space squirrels… so that’s a thing I know he enjoyed. Lol.

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My fortune from the Polygon Halloween party.

Teller: As we know, squirrels come from the moon.
Me: -nods- Wait… How do we know squirrels come from the moon?
Teller: It is known.

As for everyone else… D2 seems to be having bad coping skills with work. This week, instead of us hanging out to watch AHS, Hellevator, and My Life Is A Telenovella (reality TV trash I can’t get enough of), he ran off to the Springs. I dunno how to really help him when his shrink told him to smoke pot. I understand that pot has significantly less interactions with his meds than alcohol, but telling him that he can smoke pot just seems like escapism… I don’t approve of that… but it’s fine, I guess. People will do as they do.

Aside from that… I work on my birthday… and… yeah.

My presents from Mom are racking up to more than I ever imagined.
She does this every year… I want to complain about it, but I can’t… Lol.

  • Helped me buy Gaz (Toyota)
  • Helped me buy new phone (S7 Edge)
  • Bought me a Smart TV for my bedroom
  • Bought me a SodaStream (cuz I love coke so much)
  • Something else is coming, but she can’t remember what

So… that’s nice… but like… sometimes I feel bad about it.

But yeah… nothing that interesting going on.

Boy George & Bipolar

It was a weird weekend…

Saturday I was depressed after Suicide Squad. I dunno why. It kind of perked up after Mothership invited me over for dinner, though. We ordered Chinese and watched Z for Zachariah. The movie was not the post-apocalyptic joy ride I was hoping for. It was more of a chick flick disguised as post-apocalyptic flick… I don’t really recommend it to anyone looking for post-apocalyptic movies… but maybe to people that like chick flicks… I don’t like chick flicks, though, so I’m not sure if it was a good chick flick.

Sunday I woke up hating myself.
It’s not a new occurrence, or even a rare one… but I debated staying in bed and wallowing in my misery. I’ve done it a lot, especially in summer when my room is a thousand degrees (I have no AC) and it’s just an overall miserable experience. Instead, I got up and decided that if I was going to be miserable, I could be miserable and accomplish something.

I am the kind of worker that’s best under a deadline, but for things in my normal life that I don’t really want to do, I’m the kind of person that’s most motivated to work when told that I can’t do something. I dunno why… but if you try to tell me that I can’t do something I automatically want to prove you wrong and punch you. I temper that with reason. If you tell me that I can’t climb Everest… you’re right and we’ll go with that. If you tell me that I can’t climb a 14er… I will either prove you wrong or literally die trying.

This mentality can and does get me in trouble.

But, I got up and decided to do something. It helped that Keagan had an accident in the living room. I got pissed. I’m super productive when pissed. I wasn’t pissed at HIM, because he’s old and accidents happen, but I was sprang from hating myself to hating EVERYTHING. A manic rage is a really productive place for me if I channel it right. So, I put the dogs outside, cleaned up the mess, bagged up all my art shit that I’m not using and took it downstairs, disassembled the dining table and took it downstairs, and asked my mom to help me drag the sofa out to the garage. I also did some dishes.

I’m not currently artsy, too busy to find inspiration, so my art shit was just covering up my dining table, which in turn was just cluttering up my main floor. With those things out of the way I got to move the dog kennels around so that I’m not tripping over them.

The sofa and I have a love/hate relationship. I love having a sofa. I hate the accumulation of dog hair and generally how stained up it’s gotten over the years. I also hate the slip cover because to me it just looks tack as fuck. On top of that, I have the irritating habit of falling asleep on my sofa. It puts a crick in my neck and it’s a super bad habit… so I just gave in and decided it’s gotta go. Mothership is getting a dumpster when she’s off and that, the old dog chair, and some other furniture I’m purging is going in it. She will also be cleaning out her garage, so she’ll have stuff to put in it.

With my main floor mostly empty now, I feel better. I mean, I like to have things, but sometimes I clutter my own life, and it makes everything harder. I also took down a bunch of wall art that I’m just going to give to Good Will. The vampire girl Vaun gave me for my 20th birthday. The Reyes Coral Hotel sign that I held onto in hopes that I would one day reconcile with my dad. My first painting, which isn’t very good but not too bad. The butterfly pictures I stole from Vaun when he was redecorating his dad’s place.

My goal now is to get the main floor painted… Gonna do a blue-tinged white for a calming effect. After that, I wanna tackle the bathroom, then my bedroom, and I figure I can come back to the basement in the winter… ON DAY I WILL BE ABLE TO UTILIZE THE TWO ROOMS DOWN THERE!!! But I figure my current living space is more important.

I was going to try to do more in the evening, because I was exhausted by noon, but I had forgotten that Mothership and I were going to go see Culture Club. For the best, really. I probably wouldn’t have gotten anything done.

I love Boy George! And we were 2nd row from the stage… so like… bad ass seats. It was a great night out! Here are the outfits.

He looked amazing and sounded great. He’s so much fun. ^_^

The ride home was an irritation. Mom walks slow. Downtown Denver is a little shady right now, because we’ve had a rise in homeless population. I’m not saying all homeless people are dangerous, but there have been reports of interactions with them going south, recently. It’s just a thing… people keep moving here… including homeless people. I don’t know why, and I wish they’d stop. So, I had to get us back to a light rail station without her getting mugged… It was mostly fine, but I also started to get a migraine, and it makes me irritable, so I had to try and check my actual feelings and try to be upbeat.

The obnoxious white lights on the train didn’t help the migraine, and it was pretty much full blown when we got back to our station. I asked if Mothership wanted McDonald’s, since it was like 1130 and I knew she was hungry… she did… which was fine, except that it was the slowest service I’ve ever had in my life. Looked like they were short-staffed for the evening and got an unexpected rush. So we had to sit through that.

This morning I woke up and still had the migraine. It sucked. Took some Excedrin and just tried to get to work. Then when I got to work, everything went to hell.

I’m holding up oddly well for someone with bipolar and a migraine… Kinda sad, but I think I’ll make it through the day. Gotta talk to Sean about my role here, though. I’m not sure that the Finance people know how to utilize me, as much as they’re just wanting to train me to be a 3rd finance person.

Not sure how to handle that delicately…

Almost Thru Wk 1.

I started my new job on Monday.

Finance Assistant.

I think I’m going to like once I don’t have to ask people a question every 90 seconds.
I really hate being new… but it IS a great excuse to have with questionable customers.

I’ve been wound up and manic all week… First I did a couple days with the guy in my department. He’s a great salesman, but not great at paperwork… Watching him with customers is like watching a magic show. It’s just papers flying and mysticism. I love it, but it’s hard to learn from. I spent today and yesterday with the chick in my department. She’s like his exact opposite. Her paperwork is super clean, but she’d not as… overwhelmingly friendly. She’s still super nice, and I’m really excited to be working with her, but she’s very professional, while the guy is more laid back about things. The GM is hoping I glean off info from both and become a super finance girl! Able to be super personable and sell lots, but with a professional demeanor and clean paperwork. I’m hoping for that, too.

There’s a lot to learn. Fortunately, I know the back-end of things, so there’s a learning curve in my favor. Ten plus years in the car business helps, as well. Still, learning to sell is a whole different kind of beast, and I, as a bipolar introvert, just hope that I can get the hang out it. I’m doing okay with phone calls, at the moment, but having someone in front of me is a totally different kind of beast. Still, the lone girl on the sales floor never sold anything before and she picked it up. If she can do it with no car biz experience, I think I can do it with all my background knowledge.

I’ve decided to wrap my arms around this beast and tame it… but it’s not going to be easy or fun. Lol. It might be fun. I’m kind of having fun with it. It’s a different crowd. They love to chat. Sales people, good ones anyways, are naturally talkative. Makes sense that they’d love to talk to each other in their downtime.

I bought a car to get me to and from work efficiently, since I can’t carpool with the mothership anymore. We work such different hours now. I love it, but I can’t actually afford it… She’s going to help me out to start with. Her main concern was that I had a way to get here in snow. In recent years, the Jeep has lost its luster for snow mobility. Comes with age. It’s weird to have two cars, though. The jeep is the official designated pet vehicle, though.

Other than that… it’s impossible to sleep without Lunesta right now… Just amped as shit all the time. Not a good look for me. So much makeup.

Last weekend mothership and I went to the Arapahoe County Fair! It was a spur of the moment thing, so I didn’t bring sunscreen. Burnt my face. Had a ton of fun, though. Mom wanted to ride this thing that was a much smaller version of the Rainbow at Elitches (pictured). It just swings you around.

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We hadn’t been on a ride in a very long time… so it was REALLY FUN.

It also doesn’t help that I don’t really trust carnival/fair rides… Like, if you can take it down in a day… I shouldn’t trust my life to it… So I was borderline terrified the thing would just collapse beneath us. But both mothership and I laughed and screamed, and had more fun in a short ride than we have in a very long time.

Then we just wandered around… We saw Dock Dogs, which is dogs running and leaping off of a platform into a pool for distance. It was super cute. We looked at livestock… we did not eat… cuz… we are us and carnival food is evil. By that, of course, I mean carnival food is amazing, but our family has shitty digestive tracts…

We watched a tractor pull.
Now, I am not opposed to alternative sports. I like weird stuff…
I still have no idea what a tractor pull is a thing… They just pull a big sled for a lil bit… and I didn’t even figure out how they score it… it was super weird…
But we laughed about it. As, mothership and I do at ridiculous things.

So… things are… different.
I don’t necessarily like different… but it’s doing alright.
If I pull this off, it’s a good investment in my future… and how often can I say THAT about ANYTHING I do????? ^_^

hobbit

So, I Got The Promotion… Kinda

So, I got a promotion. I’ll be moving into Finance.

This was made official on the 11th.

I haven’t moved into the position yet, because we can’t find a replacement for me in my old desk. Title clerks in Colorado are very hard to come by… and GOOD title clerks, even more so.

We thought we had a girl. She seemed really smart.
But she’s in the hospital, now. They think she has Lupus. My heart goes out to her. That’s a raw deal, man…

On top of that, one of our billers gave her notice over the weekend. That’s kind of fine, because she’s unpleasant as shit, anyways, but that’s going to put MORE strain on the office.

So… I’m stuck here, indefinitely… but my office has been promised to me, whenever I can actually move out there to use it… and learn finance… and hopefully be good at it.

The move is really important to me, because if I play it right, it could be a financial game changer for me. Finance people make an insane amount of money. It’s a commission job… and a commission job can rake in… $20k+ a month… if you’re really good at it… I currently make like… 3-4k a month, depending on how much overtime I can justify.

Anyways… that’s where I’m at… just waiting… in this insane limbo…