I Need To Make Myself Busy

I successfully did nothing with my weekend… which is sometimes good, but this time felt like depression. That scares me, because I JUST pulled myself out of my depression. It’s far too early to go back; I don’t know that I’d survive going back this soon.

I’m hoping maybe it’s just because the weather is whack. In Colorado, you see, September weather can be in the 90s (record high 100* in 1990), or the teens (record low 14* in 1985). As a result, the days can be really weird. We’ve been starting mornings in the low 50s and then by 3pm they’re in the mid 70s. That’s a big temp jump. Not only does it make trying to dress for the day totally ridiculous, but it confuses nature. Plants try to bloom and die in the same day. My dogs are cold at night, but also trying to blow their coats during the day. I feel like it super effects my allergies, as well, since everything bounces between life and death. I have fall allergies anyways… Allergic to death.

Because the weather has been weird and the sun comes up later it’s just nice to stay in bed, or at least that’s what I tell myself. In reality, laying in bed hurts my back, my neck, and generally my being. Sitting in my chair in the living room also hurts my being. I need a new chair, but more than that I need to move around and be active and do things. I’m not doing myself any favors, and it’s not like my time spent in bed is ACTUALLY spent reading… I just sleep a lot.

This weekend, I need to make a to-do list and actually do it. I have work in the backyard to do, even though I hate the backyard. I have work in the house to do, even though I hate chores. There’s PLENTY to do. Also, I need to socialize with SOMEONE.

If I’m honest, that last bit is the hardest. I’d LIKE to socialize, but I don’t actually want to socialize with anyone I know. They all make me tired.

To start, I’m still kind of mad at D2. I think I already touched on this, but in a quick rehash, here’s why. I’ve been depressed for… ever. This time last year my depression brought me D2, and we started watching AHS together on Friday nights. It was good for me, because I got out of the house and did some minimal socializing. This went on for months, and it was nice to have a friend, but then my depression got worse and I started making up reasons I couldn’t come over. We were out of things to watch anyways. So I pulled away, holed up in my house, and generally spent a lot of time thinking about why I couldn’t kill myself, even though everything was worthless and life meant nothing. It was a dark time for me. D2 didn’t seem to notice. BUT his friend from work goes on a bad trip, decides she’s in love with her best friend, he doesn’t reciprocate, and she spirals out and he literally goes to her house to check on her after like a week of unusual behavior. Just a week… I’m glad she’s okay, don’t get me wrong… but where was he when I was sad? He was the only person I saw or spoke to for months, but he doesn’t notice when I withdraw and hole up? Is it because mine was more gradual? Is it because he didn’t care? I don’t know, but I resent it. When I needed a friend, I had no one. That’s a hard place to be.

Bird has been depressed. I love Bird, but she’s one of those people who won’t be her own advocate and get some help. I tried being there for her for a long, long time, but honestly she just drug me down. It’s unfortunate that I’m not stable enough to be the solid ground she needs, but that’s reality. I have a hard enough time keeping myself afloat and I have actively sought help. I can’t be responsible for other people. It’s better to be selfish than to self-destruct for someone else.

And… that’s the end of people I active socialize with… ever.

I could use some new friends… but I’m not good at meeting people, as we well know.

Recently I’ve wanted to get into RPGs, like D&D or Pathfinder. I always shied away from groups of nerds that play because they were previously kind of mean to me, since I don’t know how to play. I’m turning 29 this year, though… and I think I’m bitter enough to tell them to eat shit if they give me a hard time. I’ve been thinking of trying to find an RPG group on MeetUp, but I haven’t gotten my ass in gear and done it yet.

Also on the list of things I have talked about but haven’t done include looking into the new gym by my house and seeing how much individual classes at the community college are so I can put in some Gen Ed credits while I decide what I might wanna go back to college for. I’ve considered accounting, because being a CPA could be helpful, but I hate accounting. I’ve considered business management, but I don’t really know what that means. I just know I want a BA. I think that would really be useful to me. But in what?

Lastly on what I’m gonna rant about today is that I finally thought of an art project to work on. I’ve been out of my slump for like a month, but I haven’t felt creative. Now, I have an idea… but I’m at work… this full time job thing really gets in the way of being an artsy, free-spirited hippie person. But at least I have the idea. It’s a comic book I was once working on… and I think I have a better concept of it now. I think I’ll try to start character work when I get home tonight.

Anyways.

Advertisements

IT’S BACK… I think?

Morning Time

The hardest part of my life is giving a fuck, especially on a Monday morning.

Part of me is really into the idea of running away from life and living in the woods as a crazy homeless person until I die of exposure or hunger… I mean at least I don’t have to spend time at a job I’ve grown to hate with people I’ve grown to resent. But the bigger part of me wants to care for my dogs and buy books… so here I am.

I mostly cleaned my room yesterday. You’d think that would make me feel accomplished or something, but all I could focus on was everything else I need to get done, everything that needs to be cleaned or purged or packed. Tonight I think I’ll go get some packing supplies and pack up my record player, vinyls, and all my electronics except my PS4. I also need to finish my room, or try anyways. Then I have some stuff to list for sale, and see if I can pull in any money. I’m just going to start packing everything up… it’s a little early for it, but why not. My stuff will either collect dusk being out, or it can collect dust in boxes. At least in boxes they’re ready to move whenever I’m ready for that.

At least if I get everything packed up I can paint the house and fix some things so that I pull some equity out of it when I go to move. Gotta paint everything white… put in some carpet on the stairs…

Afternoon Time

My mood is kind of all over, which is better than crippling depression ALL THE TIME. I seem the most down in the morning and when I get home from work. Mid day I’m a little manic, and late at night I get manic… so I guess I’m back to rapid cycling. At least it means that I get stuff done at work, but I also feel like this is kind of wasted since I work all day.

Like right now, I’d love to go to the gym, and then go home and sort things in the basement, haul some stuff out, box up stuff to keep, etc. I’m not sure I’d do that if I were actually at home, because the basement is where I hide all my emotional stuff, but right now I’m pretty upbeat and would like to do productive things. It’s unfortunate this will probably wear off before I even walk through my front door.

I really like electronica when I’m up. I have this playlist on Spotify that I’ve been defaulting to called Bleeps & Bloops, and it’s just weird cerebral electronica. I’ve also fallen into some dubstep recently, which is a thing I never thought I’d get into. Maybe I should go to a club… I could use a night out. I dunno what clubs play dubstep these days, though… Maybe I could research it. The problem is keeping the mood up into the evening enough to WANT to get there and have a good time, but I can deal with that later.

Maybe I’ll play video games tonight. I’d like to do that. Or maybe read. MAYBE I COULD DRAW. I dunno. I’m making big plans that I prolly won’t be able to keep, since this mood won’t last… Lol. But I dunno. When I’m up, I’m up. I wanna do EVERYTHING… I wish I was always up. Up is a nice place to be.

Anyways… Guess that’s all. OKIES BYE

Side Effects

It’s 3am and I’m awake for two reasons… 1, I had to Pee but 2, Abilify fucks with your dreams.

The weekend was weird for me and side effects. 

Friday night I went to karaoke. Does Abilify interact with alcohol? Absolutely, but not like I thought it would. Usually you end up being a lightweight and acting a fool when you try to drink on new drugs. This was not the case, I was just very social. Literally, I didn’t feel drunk at all….  until I was driving home and became aware VERY QUICKLYt that my reaction time was WAY slow… I made it home okay, since the bar was close to home, but in the future if I plan on drinking, it’s worth taking a Lyft. 
Also, as an aside, David2, Bird, and I got invited to an orgy before we left the bar. That’s fun. We all fled… stranger orgies are bad.

Saturday I thought I was dying. In retrospect, a few things probably contributed to this. A, I drank the night before. I didn’t have a hangover the next day, but I’m definitely considering that drinking might elicit more side effects than I previously thought it would. 2, I didn’t take my pill at night. I missed it because I was too busy trying to go out, so I took it in the morning. There is something to be said for what you sleep through when you take meds at night. D, I panicked. Panic always just makes shit worse.

So I go to see War for the Planet of the Apes with Mothership, and I can barely eat. I’ve developed this thing where I am full most of the time, but I get hungry more often. That’s not a listed side effect but it’s a new thing. Then, I get a heart palpitations. That’s a listed side effect, but it’s a terrifying one. I hate that feeling, and when it got coupled with a hot flash and intestinal distress, it’s a spooky side effect that made me think I was potentially having a heart attack. I got dizzy, and upset, and mom ended up having to drive us home.

Mom baffles me. As long as I can remember, if I’m feeling bad, she is meh about it. When I had a kidney stone that sent me to the ER, she took her time getting ready to take me to the ER. She was more concerned about whether I smelled like Jager than the crippling pain I was in. Likewise, when I told her I thought I might be having a heart attack because my heart was racing so bad, she just asked why. To which I quiteangrily said, BECAUSE MY HEART IS RACING AND EVERYTHING IS BAD. I love my mother, and sometimes her eerie calm is handy, like when I had gallstones and was so panicked and pained that all I could do was walk clockwise in a circle and writhe, but in general, her tendency to act unfeeling is unsettling, at best. I’ve begun to wonder if she’s really JUST depressed, or if she, like dad and I, has a mood or personality disorder. She could be histrionic… 

Anyways, she got me home and I spent the rest of the day trying to cool off and recover. That meant I was up late, though, so I filled the time with FFXV again. I also started War of the Worlds before bed. Being able to read again is nice.

Sunday was better. I was up early and got in some gaming time. Mostly I just hung out, but I’m real task oriented. I like to DO things that I was previously unable to do. I got some drawing in, and only suffered one hot flash. I went to mom’s and we watched two episodes of Twin Peaks, and ordered pizza. Before bed I also finished the 15th Oz book. There are 25 of them, but I am stopping here, because that’s how far my collection goes. It was an ok day.

But the dreams. I had been really concerned about the dreams, anyways, because when I was on Risperdol I had awful nightmares, but I’m not having nightmares. My dreams are just real involved. It’s like my cognitive processes don’t shut down at all when I sleep now, so it just runs scenarios over and over, trying to determine the best outcome. I’ve quit my job seven times tonight in my dreams. None end well.

Well, it’s 4am now, and I wanna catch my last hour of sleep. But yeah, I’m not sure what to make of Abilify. I contacted my doc to see what she thinks, but again, she’s a Kaiser doc! And I really don’t think she cares if I die or get better.

Where I’m At

I got a call back on one of the jobs I submitted my resume for in Oregon! I’m not sure that I’m what they’re looking for, though… We chatted, but I haven’t heard from them since to setup a real interview.

I’d like to continue to look for a job in Oregon. I think I’d like to live in the Eugene area. I haven’t been putting my resume out like I should be, though. I’m hesitant about it, and lost some of the inflated confidence in my abilities I had when I got home from Oregon. Work just does that to me. I feel like I’m drowning there. In reality, I know it’s not the job, but the people, who wear on me. The employee that won’t even ACT like she’s busy. The GM with lofty ideas he never thinks out. The excitable employee. The employee who talks in non-sequitur riddles. It’s a lot to deal with, and that’s not even the entire office.

I hope to get back to putting out my resume, soon, but this is also buying me some time to purge the house and really think about this.

I’ve got Mothership on board to leave if we can swing it, though. She’s not attached to anything here and is probably just glad I stopped talking about moving to California where we can’t afford anything. (I have to take her with me… leaving her here would be cruel and unusual.)


My diet is… going. I’m doing the 21 Day Fix, and I thought I was doing well, but maybe not. This week I was down 5lbs… and then this morning I was back up 3. I’m going to try not to weigh except on Monday mornings… I was really disappointed in the gain, even though it’s probably accurate. I wouldn’t have seen it as a gain if I hadn’t been weighing every single day; it would have just been 2 lbs down.

I am trying really hardtop commit to the diet, but my relationship with food is so weird that it’s real hard. I’m trying not to be hard on myself, cuz I’m still down 2 lbs…


Mentally, I’m having a better time than I thought I would.

I stopped my previous self-medicating and I was honestly expecting to crash and burn. I still get swings, but aside from crying at work I’ve been okay. I’ve been good at home; I’m trying to be social; and I’m working really hard keeping myself mostly okay. Being an unmedicated bipolar is hard.

I guess I just have to keep going.


Today was Memorial Day.
I don’t know any fallen veterans, so it’s really just a fortunate day off for me.

I got up and laid grass seed this morning. Then it hailed and I got pelted trying to move my car into the garage. My head is still tender, but at least the seed got some rain. I have to remember to water it again in the morning…

I didn’t see Mothership today, but I probably should have. She’s been having really bad sciatica type pain and it makes her getting around hard. I hung out with her this weekend, though, so I guess I did my due diligence.

We binge watched the first 4 episodes of Twin Peaks: The Return. It’s a little more crazy than the original was, but considering where it picked up, I guess that’s to be expected. We were really excited about its release, so it was a good excuse to hang out and for me to make her lunch on Sunday.

Saturday we saw Pirates of the Caribbean 5. It was entertaining. Not as good as 1-3, of course, but entertaining, and I’m excited for the next two that we’ve already been promised. Cap’n Jack Sparrow is more of a caricature in this one, as characters get to be as a really good gimmick gets older, but I still had a good time. And some guy in the theater spilled churro sauce on me… so that’s fun.


I guess that’s it for me. That’s where I’m at. Hoping that this week I can come home every night and find time to try and sort some stuff, purge some stuff, and stay motivated with the idea of moving in mind. Plus, eat right. Maybe go for some walks to boost that weight loss thing I’m attempting.

Staycation

I’ve been on vacation, but I didn’t go anywhere. We call that a staycation.

I made a big list of things to accomplish while I was off. Some were more realistic than others… I made a small dent on the list. Not nearly enough got done.

Wednesday I managed to wash Bdo and clean the kitchen; they are both still mostly clean. It wasn’t my most productive day…

Thursday binged watched RuPaul’s Drag Race… but I also bought new underoos. So… kind of productive?

Friday I was sick… like legit sick, too. Lots of vomiting and migraine symptoms were to be had, followed by an evening of pacing the living room in an attempt to cure the mystery abdominal pain that showed up at 2am. It hurt bad enough that I thought of going to the ER… but I didn’t want to pay the copay. I paced for about an hour and a half, and then managed to lay down in a position that didn’t hurt. It was a rough night. Also, the pacing irritated the shit out of the cat.

Saturday was the grand opening of Torrid at a nearby mall! So mom and I got up and went to stand in drizzle in the hopes of landing a gift card. We did not, but the whole store was buy one get one 50% so we bought some stuff! I got a sports bra, and it’s the most comfortable thing I’ve bought in ages. Debating going back to get more of them. We also hit Charming Charlie for some accessories. Then we had lunch. I’d been fine till after we ate, and the abdominal pain came back… so we came home and I just hung out the rest of the day. I was feeling better in the evening, so Bird and I went to see our friends play. It was a fun night, AND I got a guy’s phone number. So that’s weird.

Sunday, Mom and I went back to the mall. We hit TJ Maxx, and bought too much stuff, and then went to JC Penny, cuz Mom wanted dresses. We found no dresses. JC Penny was confusing. It was so hard to find women’s clothes… Then we hit Dress Barn, and then I went off to a movie with Bird. We saw Boss Baby, and I’m seriously curious how a Christian group hasn’t latched onto that movie to boycott it for being WAY homoerotic. After that, I came home and played FFXV while talking to Markimoo over the PS4. He even watched some gameplay and helped me out.

Today was… an emotional day. Everything I tried to do failed, and just getting up was really hard. I did manage to clean the dog run, even if I cried through it; and I got blackout curtains for the front window, which I also cleaned. I bought a curtain for the laundry closet, just so I don’t have to look at the cat box anymore, too. Then the cat threw up on the bed. It wasn’t overly productive, but it wasn’t a great lazy day, either.

I’m hoping to do something in my room tomorrow… hang up clothes, put shit away… it would really help round out staycation. Lol.

Nothing Happening

I’d love to tell you that a ton of stuff has happened, and people have been great for my birthday and stuff… but no. Lol.

My birthday is Halloween. That was cool when I was little, but it’s not as good now that I’m older. People are always so tied up with Halloween parties that no one really cares for a birthday party. So I don’t do anything for my birthday anymore.

Still, not ALL my friends are questionable about it. The playmates at the Polygon remembered. Lola made me a cake! Plus, they make a point to invite me every year. I love Missa, Rhonda, and Lola. They’re good people. I should see them more. I’m going to try to see them more.

The Robot Boy came to the party with me. I wasn’t going to invite him, but I ended up doing it anyways because he’s nice and I like associating with him. I THINK he had fun. Hard to say, since he’s so terribly quiet… but we learned about space squirrels… so that’s a thing I know he enjoyed. Lol.

14925414_1791742394431556_7506228960036303937_n

My fortune from the Polygon Halloween party.

Teller: As we know, squirrels come from the moon.
Me: -nods- Wait… How do we know squirrels come from the moon?
Teller: It is known.

As for everyone else… D2 seems to be having bad coping skills with work. This week, instead of us hanging out to watch AHS, Hellevator, and My Life Is A Telenovella (reality TV trash I can’t get enough of), he ran off to the Springs. I dunno how to really help him when his shrink told him to smoke pot. I understand that pot has significantly less interactions with his meds than alcohol, but telling him that he can smoke pot just seems like escapism… I don’t approve of that… but it’s fine, I guess. People will do as they do.

Aside from that… I work on my birthday… and… yeah.

My presents from Mom are racking up to more than I ever imagined.
She does this every year… I want to complain about it, but I can’t… Lol.

  • Helped me buy Gaz (Toyota)
  • Helped me buy new phone (S7 Edge)
  • Bought me a Smart TV for my bedroom
  • Bought me a SodaStream (cuz I love coke so much)
  • Something else is coming, but she can’t remember what

So… that’s nice… but like… sometimes I feel bad about it.

But yeah… nothing that interesting going on.

Boy George & Bipolar

It was a weird weekend…

Saturday I was depressed after Suicide Squad. I dunno why. It kind of perked up after Mothership invited me over for dinner, though. We ordered Chinese and watched Z for Zachariah. The movie was not the post-apocalyptic joy ride I was hoping for. It was more of a chick flick disguised as post-apocalyptic flick… I don’t really recommend it to anyone looking for post-apocalyptic movies… but maybe to people that like chick flicks… I don’t like chick flicks, though, so I’m not sure if it was a good chick flick.

Sunday I woke up hating myself.
It’s not a new occurrence, or even a rare one… but I debated staying in bed and wallowing in my misery. I’ve done it a lot, especially in summer when my room is a thousand degrees (I have no AC) and it’s just an overall miserable experience. Instead, I got up and decided that if I was going to be miserable, I could be miserable and accomplish something.

I am the kind of worker that’s best under a deadline, but for things in my normal life that I don’t really want to do, I’m the kind of person that’s most motivated to work when told that I can’t do something. I dunno why… but if you try to tell me that I can’t do something I automatically want to prove you wrong and punch you. I temper that with reason. If you tell me that I can’t climb Everest… you’re right and we’ll go with that. If you tell me that I can’t climb a 14er… I will either prove you wrong or literally die trying.

This mentality can and does get me in trouble.

But, I got up and decided to do something. It helped that Keagan had an accident in the living room. I got pissed. I’m super productive when pissed. I wasn’t pissed at HIM, because he’s old and accidents happen, but I was sprang from hating myself to hating EVERYTHING. A manic rage is a really productive place for me if I channel it right. So, I put the dogs outside, cleaned up the mess, bagged up all my art shit that I’m not using and took it downstairs, disassembled the dining table and took it downstairs, and asked my mom to help me drag the sofa out to the garage. I also did some dishes.

I’m not currently artsy, too busy to find inspiration, so my art shit was just covering up my dining table, which in turn was just cluttering up my main floor. With those things out of the way I got to move the dog kennels around so that I’m not tripping over them.

The sofa and I have a love/hate relationship. I love having a sofa. I hate the accumulation of dog hair and generally how stained up it’s gotten over the years. I also hate the slip cover because to me it just looks tack as fuck. On top of that, I have the irritating habit of falling asleep on my sofa. It puts a crick in my neck and it’s a super bad habit… so I just gave in and decided it’s gotta go. Mothership is getting a dumpster when she’s off and that, the old dog chair, and some other furniture I’m purging is going in it. She will also be cleaning out her garage, so she’ll have stuff to put in it.

With my main floor mostly empty now, I feel better. I mean, I like to have things, but sometimes I clutter my own life, and it makes everything harder. I also took down a bunch of wall art that I’m just going to give to Good Will. The vampire girl Vaun gave me for my 20th birthday. The Reyes Coral Hotel sign that I held onto in hopes that I would one day reconcile with my dad. My first painting, which isn’t very good but not too bad. The butterfly pictures I stole from Vaun when he was redecorating his dad’s place.

My goal now is to get the main floor painted… Gonna do a blue-tinged white for a calming effect. After that, I wanna tackle the bathroom, then my bedroom, and I figure I can come back to the basement in the winter… ON DAY I WILL BE ABLE TO UTILIZE THE TWO ROOMS DOWN THERE!!! But I figure my current living space is more important.

I was going to try to do more in the evening, because I was exhausted by noon, but I had forgotten that Mothership and I were going to go see Culture Club. For the best, really. I probably wouldn’t have gotten anything done.

I love Boy George! And we were 2nd row from the stage… so like… bad ass seats. It was a great night out! Here are the outfits.

He looked amazing and sounded great. He’s so much fun. ^_^

The ride home was an irritation. Mom walks slow. Downtown Denver is a little shady right now, because we’ve had a rise in homeless population. I’m not saying all homeless people are dangerous, but there have been reports of interactions with them going south, recently. It’s just a thing… people keep moving here… including homeless people. I don’t know why, and I wish they’d stop. So, I had to get us back to a light rail station without her getting mugged… It was mostly fine, but I also started to get a migraine, and it makes me irritable, so I had to try and check my actual feelings and try to be upbeat.

The obnoxious white lights on the train didn’t help the migraine, and it was pretty much full blown when we got back to our station. I asked if Mothership wanted McDonald’s, since it was like 1130 and I knew she was hungry… she did… which was fine, except that it was the slowest service I’ve ever had in my life. Looked like they were short-staffed for the evening and got an unexpected rush. So we had to sit through that.

This morning I woke up and still had the migraine. It sucked. Took some Excedrin and just tried to get to work. Then when I got to work, everything went to hell.

I’m holding up oddly well for someone with bipolar and a migraine… Kinda sad, but I think I’ll make it through the day. Gotta talk to Sean about my role here, though. I’m not sure that the Finance people know how to utilize me, as much as they’re just wanting to train me to be a 3rd finance person.

Not sure how to handle that delicately…