Day 1: Hopelessness & Me

It’s a good thing that I don’t judge the year by the first day, because if today was a valid indication of how my year will go, then I would kill myself right now.

Why was today so bad?

It didn’t start bad. I woke up, cuddled dogs, leisurely got ready for work… Then things went awry. An employee that I loathe didn’t show up till and hour and half after we opened, I didn’t bring a vegan lunch and ended up eating NOTHING vegan because it wasn’t an option, I realized I had neglected a schedule most of the year causing a large loss in revenue, and to top it all off it’s snowing.

So I already broke the one goal I had for the year… which was vegan food.
I fucked up at work.
It’s fucking snowing.
And I am just filled with an overwhelming sense of despair.

It’s moments like this that I just want to throw everything I own away, load up the dogs in the car, and just leave…
I don’t know where I’d go, I don’t know how that could make anything better, but I just want to go and not be here anymore…

So that’s where I’m at… and… I don’t know what I’m going to do with my evening, but I guarantee that it includes crying.

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Early Resolution Planning

I accomplished none of my 2014 goals… so I’m starting early on 2015 goals.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to worry about my weight.
Weight is a constant battle in my life and it just makes me crazy, so I’ve decided not to worry about it at all, and I’m going to hide my scale from myself. Instead, I’m just going to make some positive health choices and go with that. I’d like to do some strength training, and find a healthy diet plan.

I’m gonna be vegan for a month.
I decided to go vegan for the month of January. It’s a short-term commitment I’m sure I can keep, and it’s a good chance to try and find some healthier things to eat instead of copious amounts of Chipotle… not that Chipotle is bad for you, but I eat A LOT of it, and it’s loaded with sodium. Also… I could still get Sofritas… so… not really bad at all.

I’m gonna fix my damn house.
My house never really recovered from having a live-in boyfriend a few years ago… I’m getting closer to actually having a place to accurately live, but it’s taking time… I hate time… but it’s coming, and I have plans for it.

So there we go. That’s my resolution planning…
Now I must go research meal plans for January.

Whelp… I’m 23… (Sorta)

I’ve decided that I’m going to be 23 this year. In reality, I’m biologically 26, but I’ve decided that I want the past three years back, so I’m just going with it. It makes me feel better, and I think that if you’re gonna lie about your age, you should start early so people notice less later.

Last year I made goals. I didn’t keep those goals. So, they reset this year. My new weight goal is to lose 111-126 pounds. It’s three pounds less than last year, so I dunno what the hell I weighed last year, but I could look it up if I get curious. I’m fucking huge… something has to give. Nothing I’ve tried really works, though. I can’t keep to anything. So… I dunno what I’m going to do. I’m not making a plan, I’m just going to see if I can lose it by sheer power of will… coupled with trying really hard not to binge eat.

The binge eating gets me every time.

This year I DID stop smoking… so that’s a positive life choice. I also took up cooking vegan/vegetarian dishes. They’re not really less caloric, but there’s something to be said about trying to eat more veg. So, we’ll see if upping my vegetarian/vegan meal intake affects my weight. My friend is a raw vegan, and she’s lost a ton of weight, so there’s got to be something behind the concept of higher veg intake. I’m not sure I can do raw vegan, though… I mean… Maybe… I dunno.

I cooked the last of my pasta last night, since that’s a big downfall for me. I started making cucumber noodles, which it crazy tasty with nutritional yeast on it. So that should replace some cals as soon as the chicken and spinach pasta is gone. In the meantime I will enjoy my pasta… I love pasta.

I dunno, man. I have been trying to lose weight my entire life. It feels so hopeless. I’ve done it before, and the weight came back and brought friends, so that’s just… shit. The fat trap is real… and the struggle to dodge it, even more so. It’s really depressing.

I am going to try to get more active, but I haven’t decided WHEN I’ll do that. I’m trying to finish a blanket for Maria for Christmas… and I think the end of that will be when I start doing the elliptical that I have to hate so much. I just don’t like the one I have… it has such a small gait… I’m not short enough for it… but… I gotta do something… Even if it’s just because in 2 years I’ll be invited to a high school reunion… Vanity is my best motivator… For real.

Anyways…
No boyfriends. No job changes. Nothing interesting to report. Think I’m back to being asexual after breaking my stint of celibacy in September… I’m glad I didn’t blog about that. I make bad life choices for no reason other than to sabotage myself. It’s a flaw.

So. Here’s to a new year for me… and starting my life goal of not being fat all over again.