And… I’m Out

SHIT THAT CROSSES THE LINE:
Not taking shit I say seriously.
Withholding important information.

Last night I went to a movie with SupaNerd. The last entry toyed with the idea that I wasn’t sure that I liked him, so much as I wanted to like him. That thought hadn’t left my mind, but he asked and I like having plans. So we went to see Zootopia. I actually saw it yesterday morning with mothership, but it’s a really good movie. It’s a really good movie about discrimination, and equality, and I was really impressed with the whole thing. I hadn’t heard any reviews, and no one I knew was excited to see it, so I was just going because I like having breakfast with the mothership and watching a movie. Anyways, SupaNerd didn’t get off work till 8, so by the time he swung by to pick me up we had limited viewing options. Fortunately it’s a good movie.

Now, I know that I have a lot of pet peeves. Too many: I’ll throw it out there that I have too many pet peeves, but if I tell you that I have pet peeve that’s not a playful invitation to irritate me until I want to bash your teeth out with a brick. In fact, I would not recommend that. I have been known to enact physical violence on people that poke at a pet peeve. I don’t have a good tolerance for it.

That being said, when SupaNerd first tried to touch my curly hair, I told him I don’t play that. I also let him know that I smacked a bitch at work for touching my hair. It’s a thing. I like space. Stay the fuck away from my face and/or hair. I was nice about it. I didn’t snap at him. I didn’t swat his hand away. I didn’t punch him in the throat. I later decided that I should have prolly punched him in the throat, cuz all he did was proceed to poke at my face and hair. I hate that shit. I hate it so much…

I kind of hate people touching me at all. For whatever reason, he feels the need to do it constantly. My mom says my dad was like that, too. Just had to touch her ALL THE TIME. Why? Why can’t you just be a human being over there in your own human being bubble? There’s a time and place, motherfucker. You don’t need to touch me all the time. Since he was a such a fuckwad about my face and hair pet peeve, I allowed him to touch my thigh, instead. I still didn’t like it. I still hated it. I still wanted to beat his face in with something hard and sandpapery. Still, it was better than him trying to fuck with my face.

Another pet peeve is being OVERLY cheap. You wanna use a coupon on our date? Great. Whip that shit out. What else you got a coupon for? You wanna argue with a waitress about the DOLLAR that it costs to sub out french fries for sweet potato fries? Too cheap. He managed to con her into sending out a refill on my coke cray-early so he could have a free coke, since he was ordering water. Really? REALLY? 

Now, if he was cray broke and counting every penny, I could understand being cheap, but I still think it’s some rude ass shit to argue with a powerless waitress about the price of Coca-Cola and fries… Thing is, though, he’s not broke. He’s got a really good job. We discussed this previously because he eats shrimp and scallops all the damn time. I can’t afford shrimp and scallops on the daily, but he can. Can he afford that because he’s arguing with waitresses over a dollar? No. I don’t think so. It’s unnecessarily cheap, and it’s motherfucking rude. That waitress didn’t make the prices. I wanted to curl up and die… 

So, then we were watching previews. There’s this movie coming out called Storks. Looks cute, but makes me cringe cuz it’s about babies. Out of nowhere, SupaNerd says: “That’s how I’m going to teach Johnny about where babies come from.” Who’s Johnny? I, too, was curious. Nephew? I know his sister has a kid. Little brother? Cousin, perhaps?

NOPE. HE HAS A KID.

Now, don’t misread me. I don’t mind people with kids. I’ve dated a number of guys that had kids. I love other people’s kids. I could totally be a step-mom. What pissed me off is that it’s been too fucking long to have not mentioned this previously. His defense was simply that he forgot to mention it. Whoops.

Fuck that noise.

If you can forget to mention that you have procreated… what else have you neglected to tell me? Are you married? Are you married to like seven different people across the US who all have the same story of you leaving your wife and six children behind? Are you a felon? Do you have the Herp? Are you a Russian sleeper cell sent here by Vladimir Putin to recruit me? Are you the leader of a new cult and you need me to be the creepy serial-killery enforcer at your side? Do you sacrifice infants to the dark lord under a blood moon to gain the knowledge of the universe and the powers of night?

This kid is like new, too. New enough to need a talk about where babies come from. Like… A, when does he ever see little Johnny? Is that REALLY why he goes back to Wichita every other week? 2, Why does the mother have full custody? It’s not the 80s anymore… a father can get full custody, especially if the mother is as cray as he’d have me believe she is. D, HOW DO YOU FUCKING FORGET TO MENTION THAT YOU HAVE OFFSPRING?! That’s a big thing.

Also, he tried to fucking talk to me during the movie… at a fucking theater.
I was so irritated that the sound of his laughter made me want to kill him.

It was all just the topping on the bad ju-ju cake.
I can’t trust him. I can’t tolerate his touchy-feely habit. I already felt like he was clingy and needy. He’s cheap to the point of rudeness. He makes gross noises when he eats, breathes, or generally exists. (Mucus problem? Idk.) He talks during movies. I’d rather have been on a play-date with a 6 year old. It was so bad.

So… I thought about it, and ghosting him wasn’t on the table, because I was in too deep. My friend in California agreed. My friend in Australia said I should just use the kid as a card to play, since a normal person might call it off because they “want to take that journey with someone for the first time.” Which is gross…

I didn’t wanna lie… so I ghosted him, and I don’t give a fuck.

This guy stood me up once. Then ignored me for a month. Then acts like a  freaking needy child AND FORGETS TO TELL ME HE HAS A CHILD. Is it shitty to ghost people? Yes. It’s shitty and total fuckery. And I regret nothing.

I don’t have time for the “but why”  and all the attempts to justify everything they did wrong. Even if you don’t answer their questions, they try to justify everything… and then they might get mad. He might secretly be a psycho. He’s got a shitty “I’m always right” attitude anyways. You should hear the shit he says about his sister just because she’s a single mother. So then a bitch starts to think… would he get more angry if I ignore him or if I tell him it’s over. What if he shows up to my house in an angry fit? These are the things a woman has to consider. Fortunately, I have four dogs and I say creepy serial-killery shit all the time, so he’s naturally a bit wary, but I wouldn’t write him off. He could still snap.

So… that’s the end. I’m out.

I deleted my dating profiles. I’m okay alone. I like being alone. I have honestly missed not having to text people. Yeah, I’d like someone to do stuff with, but I still hold out hope that one of these days I’ll meet someone when I’m out doing the stuff I like to do, and we can build off that…

Depression, Dieting, & Dating

I’ve been depressed.

I think it’s because I’m lonely… or maybe I’m lonely because I’m depressed… but I was seeing this guy, and he stood me up…. and I think it made my depression worse.

Now, I’m not a naturally forgiving person, but he’s super nice and we get along, and I genuinely like him, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt when he said that he didn’t feel good and fell asleep. So he asked me to dinner the next night, and then his work called, I guess, and he cancelled.

So that was two nights I got all dolled up with nowhere to go. The first time I sat at home, cried, and drank an entire bottle of wine. I don’t even like wine, but it was there. The second night, I had already left the house. I was headed downtown, I was excited, and I looked good. I thought of going downtown anyways and getting wasted, but I didn’t want the DUI. Instead, I turned the car around and went to karaoke. It was adequate. My friends can really step up when they want to…

I gained back half the weight that I lost earlier… so… that was no good… but I now need to lose EXACTLY half my body weight to be “happy.” Really, that’s how much to get well within a healthy BMI range… but in theory that should make me happy. In reality… I’d be happy to lose 70…. I’d still be “overweight and borderline obese” but that would be my high school weight… What more can a fat kid ask for?! Seriously, though, I’d be happy there… and then after being sure I can maintain that weight I could lose the rest….

So I’m back on 1200-1500 cals a day… aiming for 800 cals a day… If I aim for 800 and I hit 1200 I’m fine… if I allow myself 1200, and then sometimes I hit 1500… Whatever! Really if I’m under 2100 cals, it’s a good day for me. Lol. I’ve been binging. SO MUCH BINGING. So… I aim low, and then just don’t worry about it if I’m over. It’s a mind trick thing.

Anyways… that’s me.

Whelp, That’s Life

I’ve already reconciled that one day I’m probably going to kill myself.

It’s quite depressing, but probably true. One day, I’m not going to have anything left to live for. When mom goes, when all the pets move on, I’m going to have nothing to hang out here for. It’s not like I have a love life or a booming social structure to fall back on when everything has gone to shit. No, when the world feels like a cold, shitty place with nothing in it worth existing for, I have my mom and my pets. One day those will be gone, and so will I.

I got a promotion at work, and it really just made me want to cry. I got a raise, but I jumped into a higher tax bracket, so it’s not really that significant… I think I’m taking home almost exactly the same amount of money. Which is shitty. I don’t’ understand tax brackets, but they essentially make getting a raise feel completely pointless. Also, the job isn’t hard, but it’s a lot of cleaning behind the last person that had the job, and a lot of her mistakes pretty much make me want to curl up under my desk and just cry. When everything you touch is wrong, it really takes everything out of you.

I bought a PS4, because I thought my raise would be better news. I suck at playing Batman: Arkham Knight. Fuck the Batmobile. It’s so god damn hard to drive. I like Mortal Combat. It’s violent and mindless. I like streaming Netflix to my TV, too. It’s been nice not to have to watch TV on my laptop.

I’ve been thinking of taking up drinking. As a rule, I don’t keep alcohol in the house. I’ve been scared of turning into my dad for a long time, now. I think I’ve reached a point, though, where I don’t give a fuck anymore. Everything feels awful, and I feel very alone, so why not drink until I potentially feel better? Davy drinks almost daily. I dunno if he feels as lonely as I do or if he just likes to drink, though.

I haven’t seen my friends in weeks. It’s not that I don’t know where they are every single Friday, I just don’t care to see them. I don’t like karaoke, and I definitely don’t like Pitcher’s. I was invited to go to RenFest with them this weekend, and while I would like to go to RenFest… I don’t really want to go with them. Between shitty jobs, shitty men, and the melancholy of adult life, in general, I don’t feel like hanging out with people.

In particular, I don’t want to see my friend that just broke up with her boyfriend. The whole world knew that he was a worthless piece of shit. He just was and he aspired to be nothing else. It’s not our fault that she wasted two years on him. It’s not our fault that somewhere in all that time she didn’t look at her life and wonder why after a failed marriage she was dating someone ten years younger than her with no future. That’s not my god damn fault, and I don’t want to hear about what a shit he is, when I already knew that. It’s not news to anyone except her.

I think I might just stop having friends… I already do most things alone anyways… Friends just disappoint me and irritate me… I can’t rely on them. I can’t be sure I’m going to even enjoy their company… so what’s the point?

Maybe I’ll snap out of this. Maybe I’ll wake up some day this week and realize that life is beautiful… but i doubt it.

Life is pretty meaningless.

Purpose.

Purpose

I never understood this image.
You see this a lot if you hang out on the internet as much as I do. It pops up as some kind of random motivational thing for people who might be feeling bad. I guess that’s nice, but I still don’t understand the text.

My heartbeat isn’t purpose. It’s not beating out a secret to me in Morse Code that tells me why I’m alive. As far as I can tell all life is a fluke. It’s just basic Chaos Theory… anything that could happen will happen. Life exists here because it could, and that’s it. Nothing that I do in my life will change the universe. Nothing any of us does will really impact the world. Once in a while someone catches a lucky break. They fight for a cause, they discover something important, they kill a large number of people… and history will remember them. The rest of us will be forgotten in the ravages of time… probably by the time our grandchildren are grown, really. I know a bit about my great grandparents on my mom’s side, but not as much as I maybe should. When I’m gone, all memory of them will be too. Isn’t that sad?


Anyways… I am depressed today. I dunno why. I slept well, I have a date tonight, I haven’t abuse caffeine in a while… Just a Bipolar spike, I guess. Wonder if I’ll get to be manic later. That’s always way more fun… until it’s not… #crazybitchproblems

I’m decided NOT to write a book on being AroAce… because who is really going to fucking read it? No one. What is there even to write about other? Not every AroAce feels as uncomfortable as I do with themselves. A lot of asexual people feel just fine with themselves. A lot of aromantic people feel just fine with themselves. No one really wants to read about my stupid insecurities and how I spend like 40% of my time wondering why I’m so broken. It’s like reading about my mental health… it’s novel the first time, and then it’s just whining. Everyone has problems and mine are not special.

I’ve also decided not to start a YouTube channel… because who would watch it? Hardly anyone even reads this blog. It’s not going to be better just because it’s me with a camera. It’s still going to sound just like this, but you’ll be looking at a narcissistic, fat, crazy broad spouting it all at you. Plus, I suck at video editing… I think long silences are funny. So… just gonna give up on that.

I’ve been looking into getting a PS4… but today I can’t really tell you why. Yeah, they’re gonna remake Final Fantasty VII for the PS4 with epic graphics, but I don’t really play video games that often… so I can really survive with my retro consoles. Also, I was like, it streams TV! I deserve TV! But I’ve lived without a real source of TV for like 9 years now… so what the hell do I care about TV? I’m surviving just fine… It’s just an impulse buy I wanted. I definitely don’t need it.


Details about tonight’s date?

Just a nerd I met on OkCupid. He’s not particularly interesting or special. Has a car, which is fun and new. From Arizona, which doesn’t really interest me at all. He’s nice, though, and he’s not terrible to look at, and I want a fucking date.

The last nerd from the internet I was supposed to go out with cancelled on me, and then deleted his OkC profile… so that was a blow to the ego. Before that, I went out with a guy, had a lot of fun, and then he never called… Before that… it’s just a lot of first dates that I either didn’t go well or that I thought went well but then they don’t call. So… I have no hopes for this at all, but at least it’s an excuse to go drink some beer.


Okay, so that’s it… that’s my day…

Post-Christmas, Whatnot, & Crazy Bitches

So to follow up from last time, that guy never met me. He just randomly stopped talking to me at all the night before we were supposed to meet up… So that was a fun disappointment. But, I had a lot of fun that night. I went to Scruffy Murphy’s and partied my ass off with my darling hippie bestie. (I have 3 besties… the cali bestie, the bird bestie, and the hippie bestie.) It’s hard to feel bad about it, since he was just some internet guy, and I totally had a blast listening to 90s music and drinking beer with my hippie… and we got pizza at the Marquis… so what more do I really need?

Christmas has come and gone. It was actually pretty nice. Mom and I just hung out at the house, as we do every year. Every year I’m always amazed how many things she gives me. My mom goes above and beyond the call of a 26 year old’s mother. This year I got a Ninja Blender, an organization cube, kitchen knives, potholders, measuring cups, jewelry, an Adventure Time video game, the Deathnote series, and a slew of other things I didn’t even know I wanted until I opened the presents… including a microwave grill, which is really cool. I gave her some premium pedicure products, a new coffee maker for work, some pecan pie coffee, and a blanket I made for her. She cried cuz I made her a blanket… and I’m just sitting there like, OH GOD DON’T CRY!!! You’re not supposed to cry!!! And she was very grateful for the blanket, because I made it… meanwhile I’m going, I was seriously just trying to replace the not as good blanket I made you last year… >_>

For Christmas food we had chips, dip, salsa, boiled shrimp, and ice cream. We also made a pie… but that… did not turn out well.. We were kind of winging it anyway, but then we let it cook WAY TOO LONG… Pumpkin pie doesn’t really burn… it just… tastes… not… great… Lol. It still tasted like pumpkin, but it wasn’t very good. Mom liked to have died laughing at our failed attempt at pie making… And then I tried to make little apple pie things… and they turned out alright, but I totally burnt my arm… and it looks gross today. We are not baking people.

At work… there has been… conflict.
So Christmas Eve we were open. The billing clerk that was friends with my mom/boss 15 years ago didn’t come in. She didn’t call in, either. She texted the mom/boss at 11, when the mom/boss was in the GM’s office having to explain she had no idea where the billing clerk was. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t show up to work on Friday, either. She did call that time… but, she has a real problem with being absent. The reason this is a problem is because A, she has no PTO or vacation time left, and B, because it appears that she intentionally feigned illness to get Christmas Eve and the day after off.

Quick Recap: This is the woman whose crazy ass fucking daughter I went to Vegas with in March, against my own wishes. This is the woman whose oldest is in jail, daughter is so many shades of crazy that she’ll never recover, and youngest is generally fucked up and depressed. This is the woman whose husband died this year, so she was off a lot taking care of that, and prior to that because he was in and out of the hospital. She’s also only worked here since, maybe February. The significance being that mom/boss has given her more than her fair share of time off to deal with all of that.

This bitch lost her mind over the weekend. I went to a movie with the mothership (we saw Big Eyes… see it) and she got this message SO LONG that even after converting it to a large message format, the message STILL cut off. That message was full of things that the billing clerk can never take back. She said shitty things about the mothership and she said shitty things about me. She’s the last human being that should be giving out parenting advice, A. Can we just address THAT for a moment? Her golden child is in prison for armed robbery and assault. Her darling daughter, until recently, beat the shit out of her if there was a disagreement, including ramming her car into her garage. Her youngest doesn’t leave his room, is totally conditioned to people just dying in the house and people being arrested… I hate to say it, but he’s a prime candidate for potentially shooting up a school, because he officially feels nothing anymore. And then she wants to tell the world that her and the mothership have been friends for 30 years, but then pull this shit? No, bitch. No. You were gone and silent for 15 of those years… and now you’re just a fucking psycho.

So… that’s a lot of fun. Mom/Boss is going to have to write her up. I’m waiting to see if she walks. I’d love it if she walked. I hate her, as of right now. I didn’t much care for her to start with, but it’s full blown hate, now.
What’s important about that, is that I have a very poor grasp of self-control. I’m impulsive, I’m volatile, and I can be dangerous if the situation gets too far out of hand. So, the fact I’m sitting here, writing this, instead of bashing this woman’s face in with an object randomly chosen from the office until she apologizes to my mother… that’s a fucking accomplishment, and it should be recognized and rewarded…

In 2015 related news…
I’m not going out for New Year… I was going to go see my friends’ cover band play at an Irish pub I like, but I hate driving on New Year, I work New Year’s Day, I’ll probably be at work really late New Year’s Eve, and since I work and would be driving myself around I wouldn’t be able to drink… so, since I hate drunks when I’m not drunk, I’m going to stay in. Maybe I’ll catch up on my reading or some shows.

Next month, I’m going vegan… So that’s going to be fun. Fortunately, I’m pretty good with vegetables, and my vegan friends have sent me a few recipes and things to pick up so I don’t miss cheese. Because, really, at the end of the day, I’m mostly just going to miss cheese. I love cheese.

I have no resolutions. I’m just trying to make some positive life style changes, but I’m not making goals…