Mom’s Anxiety

I work with my mom. It’s kind of nice, but it’s also kind of awful.

It’s not awful for the reasons that other people I’ve known hate working with family, which is usually that they wanna do work one way and the parent wants it done another, and ‘omg my dad/mom isn’t respecting my abilities as an adult’ blah blah blah. No, my work experience came with totally different trials and tribulations. I was always held to a higher standard than other employees, because my mom never wanted anyone to say that I had it easy. So, she made it ten times harder; I think she was hoping I’d quit. I was never allowed to file a complaint about another employee, because that could be see as an act of nepotism. So, I just had to grin and bear it, even when people made my life a living hell. More than once I looked for other jobs because I wasn’t allowed to file complaints and I wasn’t sure I could stand to come to work another day. Fortunately, those people eventually left. She never even wanted me to work there, and for the first few years she treated me like I didn’t belong at all. Instead of backing off, though, I felt like I had to prove her wrong… and now I’m her second in command.

The biggest problem with working with my mother is that my entire life I’ve been going to work with her. She couldn’t get a sitter for most of my childhood, so when I was sick, or there was a day off from school, I ended up at work with my mom. She always put me to work, too. When I was a kid, she’d give me simple work to do, like putting stuff in order alphabetically or numerically, since I was at work with her anyways. It wasn’t until I got a little older that I realized how much time she really spent at work, because when I was old enough to come home and lock the door behind me (at all of age 10) I spent a lot of time alone. That only lasted for about six years, at which point I could drive and started going to work after school… and… well I just never stopped coming to work.

During that six years where I spend a lot of time alone I watched a lot of PBS, learned to cook, and spent my evenings pretending not to notice my mother was wiped out and depressed. There was a stretch where she changed jobs every single year for like five years, and I wasn’t sure she was gonna make it through that, because she’d just come home and cry. There was when she worked at a multi-franchise store, all the terrible bosses that berated her, and the time she got let go because a company bought her store and brought in their own people. What I learned from watching my mother was that A, work was awful, 2, no matter how you feel you go to work because money is more important than happiness or health, and D, there’s nothing that a person can’t get through, even if they don’t come out better on the other side.

Part of why I wanted to prove that I could do everything she threw at me was because I felt like she needed help at work. The downside to that is that now I go to work with her everyday, do a lot of things to help, and she still goes home exhausted and depressed. God forbid anything unexpected or accidental happens: my mother’s anxiety has grown so much over the years I don’t honestly know how she functions. She’s just always in a panic… so I try to field the stress for her, at the expense of my own happiness… which she fights me on, tooth and nail, all the time.

This week, my mother is on vacation. It’s a staycation and she’s trying to do a bunch of work on her house. This morning I got a panicked phone call from her where she was looking at something from home and realized she missed something and now she’s in a panic and how could she be so stupid and how will she fix it and… She’s not having a good vacation anyways, because she’s perpetually mad at her body for being fat and getting old and not doing what she wants it to do. Now she’s already stressing over next week when she’s back.

I want to move to Oregon. Yes, I have a good friend there that I’d like to be closer to, and yes, I’d like to live somewhere mostly devoid of snow, but mostly I want to move somewhere that I can get a job and take care of my mother. She doesn’t want that. She stresses about if she can keep going to work, and how much money she can pull from social security, versus how much she’d get if she waited longer. She’s tried to get me to move back home to the south because it’s cheap and there’s “family” down there, so when she dies I’m not alone. She worries about everything and won’t let me just take care of her. I guess she fancies she’s not old enough for me to need to do that yet, but emotionally she’s like 197. Someone should take care of her.

I don’t know what to do about my mom. I don’t know what to do about me.

Hell of a pair we make… an older woman with major depression and a bipolar kid stuck in a bad mood for about two years now. Something has to change… even if I have to drag her, kicking and screaming to a place where things could be better.

Advertisements

Better Kind of Weekend

So, Friday night was a bust… I dunno if you read that entry, but I was really fucking depressed. I ended up NOT going to my Halloween in July party, and slept for 14 hours instead. I regret not going. I bet it was a hella good time, but I was too depressed to be out somewhere… not because I couldn’t have gone, cuz I could have, but because in a mental state of depression I get really…. impulsive. If I’d gone, I’d have paid for the Lyft to and from, then the $20 at the door, and then proceeded to drink myself into massive debt. I drink a couple hundred bucks worth of tequila in a pretty small amount of time, so while I regret not going, I do not regret not going in the mindset I was in… It wouldn’t have been any fun, anyways, and I saved a good $300 I didn’t need to spend (assuming I didn’t start buying drinks for rando people cuz I was wasted… also a thing I do).

I didn’t really feel better when I got up the next morning, but I clawed my way out of the bed and went to get a hair cut with Mom, anyways. I kept apologizing for being sad. She just pat me on the back and said it was okay. She’s so much better about my mood swings these days than she used to be, but I was still sorry. I get so overwhelmed sometimes and I can be really short with people. She used to take that personally, but over time we are doing better at it.

After the movie we tried a new theater to see Despicable Me 3. We will be going back to Movie Tavern instead. The whole experience was meh. The movie was cute, especially for a third installation of a series… I didn’t expect it to be GREAT, but it was cute. I liked it. Also, I now want a goat.

Saturday evening I had a bbq/party to go to at the Polygon. The Polygon is a communal living home full of poly people. I’m not poly, but they always invite me to stuff, so I go. They’re nice people.

I was looking forward to this party, in particular, because of a party I went to there a few years ago when I was really into binge drinking. I drank a lot and hooked up with this guy. It was not a memorable hookup, other than by the time we actually got somewhere to hookup I was tired and didn’t really wanna… and I lied about being religious as a reason not to give him a bj (“I pray with this mouth… I can’t.” hahaha). By the Polygon standards it really shouldn’t have been a thing, anyways, as I was REALLY drunk, and didn’t give ENTHUSIASTIC consent… it was more that I gave in… but whatever. I remembered him because he spent like 30 minutes telling me about how he was Jewish, and then made this comment about a chick not asking to have one of the beers he brought for the party… so I told him not to be a Jew about it… because… I’m me, and I thought that was funny. He did too, and I think that was when he decided he’s like to bang me. The fun part of the hookup was that afterwards I immediately went home while he put himself back together. I said goodbye to no one. I just ninja’d outta there and booked it home.

So a couple of months ago I was over helping one of the housemates make a YouTube video, and after we got done she was like, “This is where (dudebro) puked after you fucked him. He’s still mad you left after that, by the way.” I was like, Really?! It was 4 years ago… But I just filed that information away.

CUT TO THE PARTY.

I’ve been there for a while, having a lovely time, and I go to pee. No one is inside the house because the Polygon has no air conditioning, but the doorbell rings. There’s a sign that says to just come in, but the doorknob is a lil wonky and I guess they couldn’t get it open. So I wash my hands and go answer the door. AND IT’S THE GUY of course. Lol. He’s there with a lovely woman he brought as a date, and I let them in and say hi. He looks at me, his get huge, and then he puts on a straight face and goes, “I think… I know you right?” Like he legit couldn’t remember, which I knew was false since the housemate had told me he was still pissy. So I just start laughing maniacally. I couldn’t help it. So I’m laughing like some kind of insane person, and all I can do is choke out, “Yeah, hi (dudebro’s name)” and left them both there at the front door. I probably laughed for like 20 minutes. The rest of the party Dudebro avoided me. I made a point to chat up his chick friend, though. She was alright. Little… aloof… but she was also high as a rocket, so I didn’t think too much about it.

The rest of the party was good, though. I talked to lots of people, I got electro stimulation on my back, and I ate a lot of these crackers someone brought. When my feet hurt, I went home, though. People were getting too drunk or twisted to make conversation, so I just ninja’d out again. Most of the housemates had retreated to the depths of the house anyways, so I’m not sure anyone particularly would’ve noticed. I was home before midnight, but I’d had a good night.

Sunday I got up and made vegetable korma in the crockpot and clean before taking Mothership to pickup her new car. Really that just meant I got to play with the broker’s dog… his name was Bowser, and he was some kind of poodle mix looking thing that liked to play fetch. We played lots of fetch while she chatted with him. He used to be our GM, so they talk shop a lot. I didn’t do too much after I got home after that. Watched Planet of the Sharks (Waterworld meets Mad Max meets Jaws… it was awful).

Monday morning has been less pleasant.

I already wasn’t looking forward to today because I’m going to see a shrink today about my bipolar depression, and I have no faith that she has anything she can prescribe me that I would be interested in taking. I considered cancelling the appointment several times, but it takes SO LONG to see someone (made the appt in March) that I figured I’d just keep it and see what she has to say.

To make matters worse, my GM threw a fit over the cameras over the weekend. He had this camera system installed without consulting me, the outside IT company we use, or the corporate IT guy. So it’s never quite worked right. He got all upset that it’s not working right, and somehow it’s MY fault it’s not working right. No. Just no. I am doing the best I can with what limited knowledge I know about the cameras to just make it work at all.

He also went off about not having the password to install shit on his work laptop… which I know I gave him. And he was bitching about his PERSONAL MAC AT HOME which I am in no way responsible for. He didn’t include me, so I’m fucking out. I passed it off to the outside IT guy, and that’ll be what he does when he gets here while I’m at the shrink. I don’t WANT to know about the camera system. Not even a little bit.

I’m so over this GM, tbh. He’s an overzealous, disorganized, piece of hipster trash, more concerned with his tight suits and the line cut into his part than doing anything around here correctly. He just does shit and then piles figuring out the details on whoever is available, and I’m fucking over it. Do it right, or don’t fucking do it.

I’ve got to put real effort into my liquidation… so I can get the fuck out of here. I’m also putting real effort into my debt consolidation. I’ve got a decent credit score, but when we jump ship and run away to Oregon, I really wanna be able to take a lesser job… I could happily be a biller if we can just get together enough money to flat out buy a house without a mortgage payment… and since we’re selling here, and buying there, the economic difference MIGHT allow that. Here’s hoping.

Anyways. Feeling okay today… we shall see what shrinky dink lady says… I’ll listen to her, but I’m not going to get my hopes up that she’ll listen to me.

Where I’m At

I got a call back on one of the jobs I submitted my resume for in Oregon! I’m not sure that I’m what they’re looking for, though… We chatted, but I haven’t heard from them since to setup a real interview.

I’d like to continue to look for a job in Oregon. I think I’d like to live in the Eugene area. I haven’t been putting my resume out like I should be, though. I’m hesitant about it, and lost some of the inflated confidence in my abilities I had when I got home from Oregon. Work just does that to me. I feel like I’m drowning there. In reality, I know it’s not the job, but the people, who wear on me. The employee that won’t even ACT like she’s busy. The GM with lofty ideas he never thinks out. The excitable employee. The employee who talks in non-sequitur riddles. It’s a lot to deal with, and that’s not even the entire office.

I hope to get back to putting out my resume, soon, but this is also buying me some time to purge the house and really think about this.

I’ve got Mothership on board to leave if we can swing it, though. She’s not attached to anything here and is probably just glad I stopped talking about moving to California where we can’t afford anything. (I have to take her with me… leaving her here would be cruel and unusual.)


My diet is… going. I’m doing the 21 Day Fix, and I thought I was doing well, but maybe not. This week I was down 5lbs… and then this morning I was back up 3. I’m going to try not to weigh except on Monday mornings… I was really disappointed in the gain, even though it’s probably accurate. I wouldn’t have seen it as a gain if I hadn’t been weighing every single day; it would have just been 2 lbs down.

I am trying really hardtop commit to the diet, but my relationship with food is so weird that it’s real hard. I’m trying not to be hard on myself, cuz I’m still down 2 lbs…


Mentally, I’m having a better time than I thought I would.

I stopped my previous self-medicating and I was honestly expecting to crash and burn. I still get swings, but aside from crying at work I’ve been okay. I’ve been good at home; I’m trying to be social; and I’m working really hard keeping myself mostly okay. Being an unmedicated bipolar is hard.

I guess I just have to keep going.


Today was Memorial Day.
I don’t know any fallen veterans, so it’s really just a fortunate day off for me.

I got up and laid grass seed this morning. Then it hailed and I got pelted trying to move my car into the garage. My head is still tender, but at least the seed got some rain. I have to remember to water it again in the morning…

I didn’t see Mothership today, but I probably should have. She’s been having really bad sciatica type pain and it makes her getting around hard. I hung out with her this weekend, though, so I guess I did my due diligence.

We binge watched the first 4 episodes of Twin Peaks: The Return. It’s a little more crazy than the original was, but considering where it picked up, I guess that’s to be expected. We were really excited about its release, so it was a good excuse to hang out and for me to make her lunch on Sunday.

Saturday we saw Pirates of the Caribbean 5. It was entertaining. Not as good as 1-3, of course, but entertaining, and I’m excited for the next two that we’ve already been promised. Cap’n Jack Sparrow is more of a caricature in this one, as characters get to be as a really good gimmick gets older, but I still had a good time. And some guy in the theater spilled churro sauce on me… so that’s fun.


I guess that’s it for me. That’s where I’m at. Hoping that this week I can come home every night and find time to try and sort some stuff, purge some stuff, and stay motivated with the idea of moving in mind. Plus, eat right. Maybe go for some walks to boost that weight loss thing I’m attempting.

General Update & Review of The VVitch.

Be sure to pop over to my 300 Days of Sunshine Blog for my review of The VVitch!

I’m actually debating if my first YouTube video should be my review of The VVitch. I keep thinking that I’ll think of something amazing to do for my YouTube channel, but prolly not. It’s prolly just gonna be me, doing random shit and complaining about stuff….

I’m supposed to have a date tonight. I dunno if he’s really gonna confirm or not… I don’t even know if I really wanna go. He seems really nice, but we don’t actually seem to have that much in common. All my interests are things he USED to do… like in high school. My current personality is literally “TEENAGE BOY.” That’s prolly off-putting to point out… Lol. My friend in Australia says I’m an Android, and that’s why I’m this way… so NOT the female cookie cutter that we’ve come to know and kinda love-hate.

I’m still miffed at SupaNerd. He texted me, though… Finally. Prior to that he hadn’t sent a text my way since Feb 9th, and aside from calling him out, I hadn’t heard from him. I can’t figure him out. Michael, the AU friend, says that he’s just looking for sex… but I feel like if that were the case he’d have tried something… and he definitely did not. I thought maybe he’s just busy moving his geriatric father out here, but I can’t really confirm that it’s eating up much of his time. I just don’t get him, and that bothers me. I don’t usually have to guess at the motivations of people. It’s jarring as fuck. I dunno if I should be mad at him or not.

Everyone at work is spooked… The Mad Russian may be on his way out. He bought a getaway car. That’s never good in the car biz. A bunch of people are buying them. We’re all a bit worried about that. Yeah, there are people I dislike here, but the known is always better than the unknown… You never know who will end up working here if people leave. At least I know these people and their games. Yeah, business is incredibly bad right now, but it’s bad all over. It’s just that time of year. It’ll pick up and it will be hellish. Still… it’s concerning.

Nothing else particularly interesting is happening in my life. Lots of watching Markiplier on YouTube… that’s about it.

Updates: All Crammed Together

I keep saying that I’m going to make a YouTube channel… but I just can’t figure out how to start. I’m thinking of just posting videos with the air of, “Yeah, I’ve been making videos for years. If you like it, you should subscribe and be part of the cool kids that follow me on YouTube. New videos every Sunday.” Essentially just fake it until I get any kind of real following. I’m not sure if that’s a good approach or not, but it’s what I’m thinking of doing.

Just imagine it… I get some followers who freak out, because I’m perpetually referencing things that happened in videos that were never actually made…
“So as you might recall from last year…”
What? You only have four videos…
WHAT DID I MISS?!
And then if/when I get any kind of actual following I can do flashback skit vids, in which I dress like a scene girl or a goth or something, and pretend I’m 12… and just say something a retarded kid would say in a YouTube vid. Yes… I kind of like that idea. And my real vids will be shot with my nice Nikon camera… and I’ll shoot my throwback vids on my laptop cam, or ipad cam… yes… that could be a lot of fun, and it can be a running theme of my vids to do flashback skits… hrm… ideas.

Is it sad that that’s almost all I have to talk about right now?
Yeah, kinda.


Let’s see… so I had a three day weekend. Thursday when I got home, though, the ceiling panel to my attic space had fallen out. That’s spooky. That’s how god damn horror movies start, for fuck sake. So I was paranoid as hell about that… That was really the perfect topping on my good day gone disappointing, for you see, I was supposed to go on a date. Date cancelled last minute… and actually, when I looked at their profile this morning, they’ve deleted themselves from the site entirely. So… that was shitty. Friday, after NOT being murdered by the chick from the Grudge, who I was certain prolly lived in my attic…

Grudge

This is exactly what I envisioned waking up to in the middle of the night.

I didn’t really do much Friday, to be honest with you. I wanted to. I’d love to accomplish all kinds of thing with my days off, but I suffer from a complete lack of motivation to do anything unless it relates to me being able to keep living… That’s literally the only reason I get up in the morning for work. So I pretty much did nothing…

AND THEN THE TORNADO SIRENS STARTED.

If you don’t know, we have weird weather in Colorado. April blizzards, give way to May thunderstorms, which cause floods, and then trigger June tornado season, which will, in turn, evolve into high temperatures and the whole state being on fire during July and August… It doesn’t rhyme, but it’s the accurate analysis. So there I was, I was at home, deciding to do the only thing I’d done all day, which was to get Chipotle for lunch, when the sirens started to go off. I am terrified of tornado sirens. I don’t know why. I’ve never been in a tornado. I’ve been in hurricanes, when I lived in FL, but not tornadoes. We’ve seen tornadoes here, living close to the plains, as we do. We’ve seen one nearly touch down on our street, though it didn’t do damage to anything. Mostly, though, the ever steady march Eastward makes the chances of getting legit hit by a tornado in my area smaller every year.

Still, the fucking siren is god awful. I guess it’s because no one associates that noise, which I refer to as an air raid siren, with good thing. They never sound a siren when you’re winning a house, or when candy is going to fall from the sky. Sirens mean that we are under attack or that mother nature herself is debating if she’s going to murder you today. Also… SILENT HILL.

I joke about Colorado being a lot like Silent Hill, all the time. We get weird fog. We have air raid sirens. We catch on fire a lot, so it can rain ash. Plus there’s that whole mountain terrain thing. All in all, Colorado isn’t nearly as terrifying as Silent Hill, but we have many discomforting parallels.

The only editing was to make this image sepia and drop in the characters... Like I said... Colorado is much like Silent Hill.

The only editing was to make this image sepia and drop in the characters… Like I said… Colorado is much like Silent Hill.

Anyways, I ventured out in spite of the sirens and got my beloved burrito bowl. When I got home… there were more sirens. The sirens probably went off every 30-45 minutes for the rest of the day. Even if you aren’t scared of the sirens, that’s REALLY FUCKING UNNERVING. It didn’t help that the weather and radar apps on my phone would go off right after the sirens to confirm the tornado warning, nor did it help that the only person I managed to get a hold of was my terrified friend 2 miles away who was locked in her house drinking wine and sending me SnapChats of “YES, IT’S FREAKING TERRIFYING. I SHALL LET YOU KNOW WHEN WE ARE GOING TO DIE.”

Fortunately, the panic attack about dying passed as I got closer to when I needed to get ready to go to derby. I hadn’t been to a Women’s Flat Track Roller Derby bout in a long, long time. I was really excited! But I also hate going to the venue. Lol. The Fillmore, while lovely on the inside and definitely historic as it opened in 1907, has really shitty parking in a shitty part of town. There is NO WHERE to park in that area. It’s insane. But I found a spot 2 blocks away, and I thought that would be good. The bout was great. Here are some pics.

Fillmore 20150605_181151

After the bout we went to the Wendy’s next door. Here’s the thing about that… this is all on Colfax: a notorious street in Denver famed for housing meth heads and prostitutes (who are assumed to also be meth heads). In spite of the work they’ve done to try and revitalize Colfax, mostly by turning parts of it into an art district, this particular area is still pretty much a lot of meth heads. So the Wendy’s had a bunch of them sleeping in the front… and one woman wandering around trying to score more meth… She could have been 30 for all I know, but she looked like the Crypt Keeper with boobs. It was awful.

So my friend convinced me to hit karaoke, and I convinced her husband to take us to my car, since he wasn’t gonna go to karaoke and I didn’t wanna walk 2 and a half blocks past that many meth heads. They come out at night like some kind of nightmare creatures. I can only assume they live in the sewers, as I never see them during the day. They are not to be confused with the masses of homeless that live on Colfax, either. Those are two VERY different groups of people.

Karaoke was a bore. I don’t even actually like it anymore, but I like seeing my karaoke diva friend, so I staid for like an hour.

Saturday I got woken up by a text from the Saturday receptionist at work. She was headed to the ER, so that meant someone needed to cover her and help train the new Saturday receptionist… I called boss lady and told her, so boss lady went into work, and finally managed to get two office girls to come in and split the day with the new woman. That was good, because before that it was looking like it was going to be me… and I was so bummed about it, since I was supposed to be on vacation.

Mom and I saw Insidious 3 that afternoon. I can’t say it was GOOD, but I didn’t feel like I wasted my money. I’ve never been that fond of the Insidious franchise, but it was the only thing that sounded interesting. It wasn’t too bad, which is all you can ask from most horror these days.

Sunday, Mom came over to assess the hole where my attic panel should be. Then we went to Lowe’s without measuring it… eventually decided on a fix that didn’t require ANYTHING from Lowe’s… and then we hit the pharmacy and the grocery. I thought I was gonna overdraw my bank account at the grocery… I’m always so broke this time of month… but I didn’t! And that’s what’s important.


Today boss lady proposed a raise and job change to me.

Our old title clerk left for a better job a while back, and her replacement, for lack of a better word choice, sucks. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. Everything gets rejected, and while they write ON THE RETURN FORM why the title got rejected, she’s incapable of correcting it, noting the error, and not doing it again. She’s also terribly disorganized, and has no idea how basic and easy this job could really be. It’s been infuriating for the boss lady, and annoying to me, because I have to hear about it.

So… boss lady suggested to me that I learn titles. Then we’d train some other people to do my job.

I’m pretty sure I can do it. It’s very repetitive work… I’m uniquely organized at work… and, hell… I could use a raise.

So… that’s exciting. I’m really happy about it.


I am NOT happy about my dating life. Every time something fails it just feels more and more like I’m never going to find anyone. Also, I get grossed out every time someone wants to fuck me. It’s just gross. Like, can we get to know each other before I compromise my comfort level to accommodate what you think is a basic human need? I understand normal people like sex. It’s supposedly very fun, and great… but like… I don’t. I want someone to hang out with and drag to metal shows, and lay around with me on a Sunday while we play old video games and order Thai food…

No one is into that idea… And it’s totally devastating.

I think dating was easier before I realized that not feeling sexual attraction and not liking sex is a thing with a name and a community. Sex was just part of the deal. You put out to lure them in… and… it’s just something you do in exchange for their time. Now I’m like, “No… why would I want to fuck you? Can’t we NOT do that, but do everything else in a relationship? Why am I the one that has to compromise? Also, while we’re at it, can you NOT be a clingy, sappy, totally grosstastic mess over me? Like can I just live?”

Being asexual and aromantic, as interesting as it is, and as nice as it is to have words for my feelings…. is fucking terrible. I mean no one wants to die alone… but the only way to get someone to stay with you is a relationship, and the only way you seem to be able to entice people to a relationship these days is by letting them fuck you… and I’m just plain grossed out by all of it. In the event I could land a relationship, I’d figure out the sex part… but like… do we have to start there? Do we? Cuz I fucking veto that. It’s unacceptable.

I actually had someone tell me today that sex is basic human interaction.
NO. No it is not.
Think of all your friends, relatives, acquaintances, and people you meet on the bus. If you have fucked all those people… then sure, maybe sex is basic human interaction. If you have not, then you’re like me and can relate to people without slapping your genitalia together in a sweaty repetitive motion. Like… what is the world like for that person? Have they fucked their parents, grandparents, school teachers, and grocery cashiers? I need to know.

Even my most sex positive, totally promiscuous, polyamorous friends don’t fuck EVERYONE THEY HAVE EVER KNOWN. A lot of people, sure, cuz that’s their lifestyle and it’s great that they can have those kinds of open relationships with people… but like, they haven’t fucked me, or their relatives, or our mutual friends… which implies to me that FUCKING IS NOT BASIC HUMAN INTERACTION.

So… yeah… I’m gonna die alone… and everyone in the world that wants to fuck me is apparently is terrible.

Day 1: Hopelessness & Me

It’s a good thing that I don’t judge the year by the first day, because if today was a valid indication of how my year will go, then I would kill myself right now.

Why was today so bad?

It didn’t start bad. I woke up, cuddled dogs, leisurely got ready for work… Then things went awry. An employee that I loathe didn’t show up till and hour and half after we opened, I didn’t bring a vegan lunch and ended up eating NOTHING vegan because it wasn’t an option, I realized I had neglected a schedule most of the year causing a large loss in revenue, and to top it all off it’s snowing.

So I already broke the one goal I had for the year… which was vegan food.
I fucked up at work.
It’s fucking snowing.
And I am just filled with an overwhelming sense of despair.

It’s moments like this that I just want to throw everything I own away, load up the dogs in the car, and just leave…
I don’t know where I’d go, I don’t know how that could make anything better, but I just want to go and not be here anymore…

So that’s where I’m at… and… I don’t know what I’m going to do with my evening, but I guarantee that it includes crying.