Where I’m At

I got a call back on one of the jobs I submitted my resume for in Oregon! I’m not sure that I’m what they’re looking for, though… We chatted, but I haven’t heard from them since to setup a real interview.

I’d like to continue to look for a job in Oregon. I think I’d like to live in the Eugene area. I haven’t been putting my resume out like I should be, though. I’m hesitant about it, and lost some of the inflated confidence in my abilities I had when I got home from Oregon. Work just does that to me. I feel like I’m drowning there. In reality, I know it’s not the job, but the people, who wear on me. The employee that won’t even ACT like she’s busy. The GM with lofty ideas he never thinks out. The excitable employee. The employee who talks in non-sequitur riddles. It’s a lot to deal with, and that’s not even the entire office.

I hope to get back to putting out my resume, soon, but this is also buying me some time to purge the house and really think about this.

I’ve got Mothership on board to leave if we can swing it, though. She’s not attached to anything here and is probably just glad I stopped talking about moving to California where we can’t afford anything. (I have to take her with me… leaving her here would be cruel and unusual.)


My diet is… going. I’m doing the 21 Day Fix, and I thought I was doing well, but maybe not. This week I was down 5lbs… and then this morning I was back up 3. I’m going to try not to weigh except on Monday mornings… I was really disappointed in the gain, even though it’s probably accurate. I wouldn’t have seen it as a gain if I hadn’t been weighing every single day; it would have just been 2 lbs down.

I am trying really hardtop commit to the diet, but my relationship with food is so weird that it’s real hard. I’m trying not to be hard on myself, cuz I’m still down 2 lbs…


Mentally, I’m having a better time than I thought I would.

I stopped my previous self-medicating and I was honestly expecting to crash and burn. I still get swings, but aside from crying at work I’ve been okay. I’ve been good at home; I’m trying to be social; and I’m working really hard keeping myself mostly okay. Being an unmedicated bipolar is hard.

I guess I just have to keep going.


Today was Memorial Day.
I don’t know any fallen veterans, so it’s really just a fortunate day off for me.

I got up and laid grass seed this morning. Then it hailed and I got pelted trying to move my car into the garage. My head is still tender, but at least the seed got some rain. I have to remember to water it again in the morning…

I didn’t see Mothership today, but I probably should have. She’s been having really bad sciatica type pain and it makes her getting around hard. I hung out with her this weekend, though, so I guess I did my due diligence.

We binge watched the first 4 episodes of Twin Peaks: The Return. It’s a little more crazy than the original was, but considering where it picked up, I guess that’s to be expected. We were really excited about its release, so it was a good excuse to hang out and for me to make her lunch on Sunday.

Saturday we saw Pirates of the Caribbean 5. It was entertaining. Not as good as 1-3, of course, but entertaining, and I’m excited for the next two that we’ve already been promised. Cap’n Jack Sparrow is more of a caricature in this one, as characters get to be as a really good gimmick gets older, but I still had a good time. And some guy in the theater spilled churro sauce on me… so that’s fun.


I guess that’s it for me. That’s where I’m at. Hoping that this week I can come home every night and find time to try and sort some stuff, purge some stuff, and stay motivated with the idea of moving in mind. Plus, eat right. Maybe go for some walks to boost that weight loss thing I’m attempting.

General Update & Review of The VVitch.

Be sure to pop over to my 300 Days of Sunshine Blog for my review of The VVitch!

I’m actually debating if my first YouTube video should be my review of The VVitch. I keep thinking that I’ll think of something amazing to do for my YouTube channel, but prolly not. It’s prolly just gonna be me, doing random shit and complaining about stuff….

I’m supposed to have a date tonight. I dunno if he’s really gonna confirm or not… I don’t even know if I really wanna go. He seems really nice, but we don’t actually seem to have that much in common. All my interests are things he USED to do… like in high school. My current personality is literally “TEENAGE BOY.” That’s prolly off-putting to point out… Lol. My friend in Australia says I’m an Android, and that’s why I’m this way… so NOT the female cookie cutter that we’ve come to know and kinda love-hate.

I’m still miffed at SupaNerd. He texted me, though… Finally. Prior to that he hadn’t sent a text my way since Feb 9th, and aside from calling him out, I hadn’t heard from him. I can’t figure him out. Michael, the AU friend, says that he’s just looking for sex… but I feel like if that were the case he’d have tried something… and he definitely did not. I thought maybe he’s just busy moving his geriatric father out here, but I can’t really confirm that it’s eating up much of his time. I just don’t get him, and that bothers me. I don’t usually have to guess at the motivations of people. It’s jarring as fuck. I dunno if I should be mad at him or not.

Everyone at work is spooked… The Mad Russian may be on his way out. He bought a getaway car. That’s never good in the car biz. A bunch of people are buying them. We’re all a bit worried about that. Yeah, there are people I dislike here, but the known is always better than the unknown… You never know who will end up working here if people leave. At least I know these people and their games. Yeah, business is incredibly bad right now, but it’s bad all over. It’s just that time of year. It’ll pick up and it will be hellish. Still… it’s concerning.

Nothing else particularly interesting is happening in my life. Lots of watching Markiplier on YouTube… that’s about it.

Updates: All Crammed Together

I keep saying that I’m going to make a YouTube channel… but I just can’t figure out how to start. I’m thinking of just posting videos with the air of, “Yeah, I’ve been making videos for years. If you like it, you should subscribe and be part of the cool kids that follow me on YouTube. New videos every Sunday.” Essentially just fake it until I get any kind of real following. I’m not sure if that’s a good approach or not, but it’s what I’m thinking of doing.

Just imagine it… I get some followers who freak out, because I’m perpetually referencing things that happened in videos that were never actually made…
“So as you might recall from last year…”
What? You only have four videos…
WHAT DID I MISS?!
And then if/when I get any kind of actual following I can do flashback skit vids, in which I dress like a scene girl or a goth or something, and pretend I’m 12… and just say something a retarded kid would say in a YouTube vid. Yes… I kind of like that idea. And my real vids will be shot with my nice Nikon camera… and I’ll shoot my throwback vids on my laptop cam, or ipad cam… yes… that could be a lot of fun, and it can be a running theme of my vids to do flashback skits… hrm… ideas.

Is it sad that that’s almost all I have to talk about right now?
Yeah, kinda.


Let’s see… so I had a three day weekend. Thursday when I got home, though, the ceiling panel to my attic space had fallen out. That’s spooky. That’s how god damn horror movies start, for fuck sake. So I was paranoid as hell about that… That was really the perfect topping on my good day gone disappointing, for you see, I was supposed to go on a date. Date cancelled last minute… and actually, when I looked at their profile this morning, they’ve deleted themselves from the site entirely. So… that was shitty. Friday, after NOT being murdered by the chick from the Grudge, who I was certain prolly lived in my attic…

Grudge

This is exactly what I envisioned waking up to in the middle of the night.

I didn’t really do much Friday, to be honest with you. I wanted to. I’d love to accomplish all kinds of thing with my days off, but I suffer from a complete lack of motivation to do anything unless it relates to me being able to keep living… That’s literally the only reason I get up in the morning for work. So I pretty much did nothing…

AND THEN THE TORNADO SIRENS STARTED.

If you don’t know, we have weird weather in Colorado. April blizzards, give way to May thunderstorms, which cause floods, and then trigger June tornado season, which will, in turn, evolve into high temperatures and the whole state being on fire during July and August… It doesn’t rhyme, but it’s the accurate analysis. So there I was, I was at home, deciding to do the only thing I’d done all day, which was to get Chipotle for lunch, when the sirens started to go off. I am terrified of tornado sirens. I don’t know why. I’ve never been in a tornado. I’ve been in hurricanes, when I lived in FL, but not tornadoes. We’ve seen tornadoes here, living close to the plains, as we do. We’ve seen one nearly touch down on our street, though it didn’t do damage to anything. Mostly, though, the ever steady march Eastward makes the chances of getting legit hit by a tornado in my area smaller every year.

Still, the fucking siren is god awful. I guess it’s because no one associates that noise, which I refer to as an air raid siren, with good thing. They never sound a siren when you’re winning a house, or when candy is going to fall from the sky. Sirens mean that we are under attack or that mother nature herself is debating if she’s going to murder you today. Also… SILENT HILL.

I joke about Colorado being a lot like Silent Hill, all the time. We get weird fog. We have air raid sirens. We catch on fire a lot, so it can rain ash. Plus there’s that whole mountain terrain thing. All in all, Colorado isn’t nearly as terrifying as Silent Hill, but we have many discomforting parallels.

The only editing was to make this image sepia and drop in the characters... Like I said... Colorado is much like Silent Hill.

The only editing was to make this image sepia and drop in the characters… Like I said… Colorado is much like Silent Hill.

Anyways, I ventured out in spite of the sirens and got my beloved burrito bowl. When I got home… there were more sirens. The sirens probably went off every 30-45 minutes for the rest of the day. Even if you aren’t scared of the sirens, that’s REALLY FUCKING UNNERVING. It didn’t help that the weather and radar apps on my phone would go off right after the sirens to confirm the tornado warning, nor did it help that the only person I managed to get a hold of was my terrified friend 2 miles away who was locked in her house drinking wine and sending me SnapChats of “YES, IT’S FREAKING TERRIFYING. I SHALL LET YOU KNOW WHEN WE ARE GOING TO DIE.”

Fortunately, the panic attack about dying passed as I got closer to when I needed to get ready to go to derby. I hadn’t been to a Women’s Flat Track Roller Derby bout in a long, long time. I was really excited! But I also hate going to the venue. Lol. The Fillmore, while lovely on the inside and definitely historic as it opened in 1907, has really shitty parking in a shitty part of town. There is NO WHERE to park in that area. It’s insane. But I found a spot 2 blocks away, and I thought that would be good. The bout was great. Here are some pics.

Fillmore 20150605_181151

After the bout we went to the Wendy’s next door. Here’s the thing about that… this is all on Colfax: a notorious street in Denver famed for housing meth heads and prostitutes (who are assumed to also be meth heads). In spite of the work they’ve done to try and revitalize Colfax, mostly by turning parts of it into an art district, this particular area is still pretty much a lot of meth heads. So the Wendy’s had a bunch of them sleeping in the front… and one woman wandering around trying to score more meth… She could have been 30 for all I know, but she looked like the Crypt Keeper with boobs. It was awful.

So my friend convinced me to hit karaoke, and I convinced her husband to take us to my car, since he wasn’t gonna go to karaoke and I didn’t wanna walk 2 and a half blocks past that many meth heads. They come out at night like some kind of nightmare creatures. I can only assume they live in the sewers, as I never see them during the day. They are not to be confused with the masses of homeless that live on Colfax, either. Those are two VERY different groups of people.

Karaoke was a bore. I don’t even actually like it anymore, but I like seeing my karaoke diva friend, so I staid for like an hour.

Saturday I got woken up by a text from the Saturday receptionist at work. She was headed to the ER, so that meant someone needed to cover her and help train the new Saturday receptionist… I called boss lady and told her, so boss lady went into work, and finally managed to get two office girls to come in and split the day with the new woman. That was good, because before that it was looking like it was going to be me… and I was so bummed about it, since I was supposed to be on vacation.

Mom and I saw Insidious 3 that afternoon. I can’t say it was GOOD, but I didn’t feel like I wasted my money. I’ve never been that fond of the Insidious franchise, but it was the only thing that sounded interesting. It wasn’t too bad, which is all you can ask from most horror these days.

Sunday, Mom came over to assess the hole where my attic panel should be. Then we went to Lowe’s without measuring it… eventually decided on a fix that didn’t require ANYTHING from Lowe’s… and then we hit the pharmacy and the grocery. I thought I was gonna overdraw my bank account at the grocery… I’m always so broke this time of month… but I didn’t! And that’s what’s important.


Today boss lady proposed a raise and job change to me.

Our old title clerk left for a better job a while back, and her replacement, for lack of a better word choice, sucks. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. Everything gets rejected, and while they write ON THE RETURN FORM why the title got rejected, she’s incapable of correcting it, noting the error, and not doing it again. She’s also terribly disorganized, and has no idea how basic and easy this job could really be. It’s been infuriating for the boss lady, and annoying to me, because I have to hear about it.

So… boss lady suggested to me that I learn titles. Then we’d train some other people to do my job.

I’m pretty sure I can do it. It’s very repetitive work… I’m uniquely organized at work… and, hell… I could use a raise.

So… that’s exciting. I’m really happy about it.


I am NOT happy about my dating life. Every time something fails it just feels more and more like I’m never going to find anyone. Also, I get grossed out every time someone wants to fuck me. It’s just gross. Like, can we get to know each other before I compromise my comfort level to accommodate what you think is a basic human need? I understand normal people like sex. It’s supposedly very fun, and great… but like… I don’t. I want someone to hang out with and drag to metal shows, and lay around with me on a Sunday while we play old video games and order Thai food…

No one is into that idea… And it’s totally devastating.

I think dating was easier before I realized that not feeling sexual attraction and not liking sex is a thing with a name and a community. Sex was just part of the deal. You put out to lure them in… and… it’s just something you do in exchange for their time. Now I’m like, “No… why would I want to fuck you? Can’t we NOT do that, but do everything else in a relationship? Why am I the one that has to compromise? Also, while we’re at it, can you NOT be a clingy, sappy, totally grosstastic mess over me? Like can I just live?”

Being asexual and aromantic, as interesting as it is, and as nice as it is to have words for my feelings…. is fucking terrible. I mean no one wants to die alone… but the only way to get someone to stay with you is a relationship, and the only way you seem to be able to entice people to a relationship these days is by letting them fuck you… and I’m just plain grossed out by all of it. In the event I could land a relationship, I’d figure out the sex part… but like… do we have to start there? Do we? Cuz I fucking veto that. It’s unacceptable.

I actually had someone tell me today that sex is basic human interaction.
NO. No it is not.
Think of all your friends, relatives, acquaintances, and people you meet on the bus. If you have fucked all those people… then sure, maybe sex is basic human interaction. If you have not, then you’re like me and can relate to people without slapping your genitalia together in a sweaty repetitive motion. Like… what is the world like for that person? Have they fucked their parents, grandparents, school teachers, and grocery cashiers? I need to know.

Even my most sex positive, totally promiscuous, polyamorous friends don’t fuck EVERYONE THEY HAVE EVER KNOWN. A lot of people, sure, cuz that’s their lifestyle and it’s great that they can have those kinds of open relationships with people… but like, they haven’t fucked me, or their relatives, or our mutual friends… which implies to me that FUCKING IS NOT BASIC HUMAN INTERACTION.

So… yeah… I’m gonna die alone… and everyone in the world that wants to fuck me is apparently is terrible.

Day 1: Hopelessness & Me

It’s a good thing that I don’t judge the year by the first day, because if today was a valid indication of how my year will go, then I would kill myself right now.

Why was today so bad?

It didn’t start bad. I woke up, cuddled dogs, leisurely got ready for work… Then things went awry. An employee that I loathe didn’t show up till and hour and half after we opened, I didn’t bring a vegan lunch and ended up eating NOTHING vegan because it wasn’t an option, I realized I had neglected a schedule most of the year causing a large loss in revenue, and to top it all off it’s snowing.

So I already broke the one goal I had for the year… which was vegan food.
I fucked up at work.
It’s fucking snowing.
And I am just filled with an overwhelming sense of despair.

It’s moments like this that I just want to throw everything I own away, load up the dogs in the car, and just leave…
I don’t know where I’d go, I don’t know how that could make anything better, but I just want to go and not be here anymore…

So that’s where I’m at… and… I don’t know what I’m going to do with my evening, but I guarantee that it includes crying.