VEGAS TRIP & Birthday Gifts

Last week was my trip to Vegas for my 30th birthday!

Chris, in anticipation of missing me, took me and his daughter out to Texas Roadhouse the night before I left. Addi was SO tired, though. It was kind of hilarious, cuz she was tired-angry, as kids get when they miss their nap. It was still nice, though. Afterward, he came over and we just hung out. Nothing too interesting.

Thursday after work I ran home, got Frankie and Bdo over to Mom’s, and finished packing just in time for Cat to pull up a little early. She had to drop her dogs at her parents’ place anyways, so she picked me up and her dad took us out to the airport. We had some time to kill so we grabbed dinner at this “Colorado Cuisine” restaurant at the airport. Oddly, they were 30 minutes from closing. I didn’t realize restaurants at the airport closed, since DIA never closes. We ate fast, but noticed that in spite of closing soon they were still seating people, and not like single people but whole large groups. It was… odd, considering how short and abrasive the hostess had been about our quick meal.

Shortly after we got done we were allowed to board. We were, unfortunately, in boarding zone 4… so that was… meh. The flight itself was kind of miserable. Frontier is a cheap airline, and it shows. We’re all packed in like sardines and the armrests are super low so you can’t get comfortable. I tried to nap for two hours with mixed success. But that was all fine, since we landed in lovely Las Vegas.

Originally the plan was to drop and then head to the Aria to get evening drinks with David, but David dropped hours before we did and drank while he waited, and consequently went to bed. That was real inconvenient, because we were already in the Lyft headed there, and for whatever reason we couldn’t change the destination. SO…. So, the driver is really nice. He navs us to Cat’s cousin’s place off the record for $12. But he’s also a really distracted driver. He missed several turns. I’m sitting in this car thinking “the Lyft app is off and we’re in this dude’s car… and no one knows it…” as he repeatedly misses turns. Fortunately he was not a serial killer and took us to the address in question, but also… it was spooky.

Cat’s cousin, Rachale, is super nice. She gave me a hug and made me feel super welcome in her home. I also met her kids, who are grown people. The boy gave up his room for two nights so we had a room to sleep. That was hella sweet of him. The house itself is pretty sparse. Rachale and her kids moved around a lot, I guess, so they don’t tend to accumulate THINGS. Except the girl. She had a very nice room with actual furniture and stuff in it. Lol. Also living there, but never seen at home is Rachale’s boyfriend. He’s 13 years younger than her, short, Mexican, and has braces. He’s pretty adorable, but you could mistake him for a teen. Lol. She’s quite proud to have him.

Instead of going out, we went to Walmart at 1am, and got some girl beer (wine coolers). Things that happen in Vegas at 1am apparently also include Walmart. Who knew?

The next morning Cat and I left without Rachale, because she was still asleep. We went to meet David for brunch at The Pub at Aria. They don’t have brunch on Fridays. Lol. We didn’t know. So we did lunch. I had an Impossible Burger™. What is an Impossible Burger™? It’s a vegan hamburger that FUCKING TASTES LIKE MURDER. In a good way. The vegans made a burger that legit tastes like a burger. I was excited to try it, and more excited that it was delicious.

After lunch we hung out in the bar inside Aria, and then Rachale came down. She was hungry so we went to The Peppermill. That’s an outlandish ass restaurant. Rachale got lunch and we split a giant brownie for my birthday.

Then it was off to the Saw Escape Room!

If you go to Vegas and do the Saw Escape Room, pay for a VIP tour. Don’t get me wrong, we had a blast! But I really hated the middle aged people that joined our group. Also, 10 people is too many. If it had just been the four of us I think it would have gone more smoothly and been a little more fun, but we had fun anyways. I felt especially special because I found the very first clue, and I opened the safe at the end. So yay me! I love puzzles…. We won, so the actress didn’t have to saw off her foot… although… I kinda wanted to see that.

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After that, it was on to Fremont Street. If you don’t know, Fremont Street is OLD Vegas. If you’re looking for lights and cheap drinks, Fremont Street is a good place to hang out. So we grabbed a Lyft and ended up at Container Park. It’s a weird little place made of shipping containers, guarded by a giant praying mantis that shoots flames to music. I dunno why, but I’m all about it.

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We went up and down Fremont Street. At some point Cat hurt her knee and started limping and grimacing a lot. That made me feel better because my feet and knees were killing me. I appreciated the slower pace. We is getting old. I thought for sure that since Davy had surgery on his leg he might cramp up, but if he did he didn’t show it. We saw semi-professional wrestling going on, and tried a bar called Nerd just because it had an octopus with glasses for a mascot (it was terrible), and watched some performers… I mean Fremont Street is intense. There’s so many people, and a giant 40 ft ballerina puppet, and… just STUFF EVERYWHERE. A bit overwhelming, really.

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We toddled around and ended up at Bally’s where Rachale and it got cold. David and Cat had no hoodies, so we tried to find some, but couldn’t. We ended up sitting at a tiki bar, and I was like… “Guys, why don’t we call it?” Cuz no one looked like they were having a good time anymore. We were tired and not drunk because drinking at sea level is nothing. So we called it and planned on brunch at Aria the next day.

We did NOT get brunch at Aria. Lol.

Instead, for a more economic brunch, we were going to hit House of Blues. We ended up getting there too late, though. Cat & Rachale are not morning people Lol. Fortunately, Rachale had a backup plan and took us to her favorite Irish Pub. We had Irish breakfast! And it was awesome. Who knew I liked white and black pudding? Not me. It was fucking delicious.

Afterwards we did some shopping, and really just hung out until David had to leave for his flight. We had two hours to kill after that, so we went to the Bellagio and saw their gardens. Pretty epic. It’s never the same twice, and the flowers are lovely and… yeah. Worth seeing if you go. We also saw the fountains. They danced to My Heart Will Go On. It was kind of amazeballs.

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The flight home was about as miserable as the flight in, but I was really just excited to sleep in my own bed, and not with Cat. Lol. Also, Chris agreed to come over, even though I got in super late. Turns out he missed me. Lol. I was excited because at midnight it was HIS birthday, and I wanted to give him his birthday present. I think he liked it. I designed it myself since I couldn’t find anything cool for Spawn & Hellboy. So he got the sweatshirt and the framed art…. He says he likes it. I choose to believe him.

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Mania & Sobriety

I don’t know why, but MY DEPRESSION HAS FINALLY LIFTED! I’m sure it’ll be back, of course, but it’s been such a wonderful week since I last felt sad. I’ve been mad, happy, content, even giddy! It’s emotions I forgot existed. It’s a brightness in my life that I had forgotten how to feel. It’s been really nice.

With my new mood are lifestyle changes. I’m reading more (currently got three books going), I’ve developed a weird affinity for Electronica for some reason, I’ve been trying to draw again, and for the first time in months I’m sober. Not to say that I was going home and getting totally wrecked alone, because that’s inaccurate. I did develop some bad daily habits to drag myself out of the deepest depths of the blue, though. I am not a fan of anything I use to improve my mood on the daily, whether it be drinking, smoking, binging, or some new self-destructive habit I can come up with. I’d been trying NOT to do those things and trying NOT to immediately go to bed when I went home, and one day last week I was just… not sad anymore.

I was just angry for days. It’s not really unusual, because most of the time my mania is extremely narcissistic rage, but I noticed that I was rapid cycling, and then the rage just stuck around for a couple of days. Being angry sounds awful, but it was really a welcome relief from the blue. Red is, at least, a different kind of oppressive. Plus I got that nice top-of-the-world feeling! Because why just be mad when you can have self-righteous indignation? Eventually the rage would lift and I’d be in the white for a while, and after a bit the white just staid.

Mania, even hypo-mania, comes with its own problems. I’ve been binging. It’s happy binge eating, at least, and I’m enjoying all the Chipotle I cram into my face, but it’s not any healthier than depressed binging aside from knowing that I’m not going to try and purge it later. I’m sure I’ve gained weight from it. I’ve been trying not to spend money since I bought my brightly colored dresses, but I took a bunch of books and video games to 2nd & Charles to sell, and ended up going home with twice as much as I got for them in books (horror anthologies for Halloween). I have virtually NO attention span, so watching TV is out. In general, I feel better, but I’m not really LIVING better. Lol. Although, it’s nice not to sleep 12 hours a day and spend the rest at work.

I dunno what triggered the change, but I’m grateful for it. I also hope the inevitable crash isn’t really bad… and that I get some time in the white before nose-diving deep into the blue again.

This afternoon, work has put me into the red, but just a little… in the pink maybe… I’m mad, but it’s with reason, and I’m not raging… just irritated mostly.

Still… it’s nice to be sober… and it’s nice to not be sad. ^_^

Now if I can just wrangle in the manic habits, I could maybe be a really real human being for a while. Lol.

One Week

One week from today I’ll be with my Billie in Oregon.
I’m very excited about it. I’ve missed her so much.

Billie and I met by happenstance. Her boyfriend had posted a Craigslist ad for someone to hang out and watch horror movies with. Billie was a lot more interesting than her boyfriend. It cracked me up, because when they split Billie didn’t want to tell me they broke up; I dunno why. When push came to shove, though… I helped Billie move out and she got me in the breakup. Lol.

I couldn’t have known how much I’d like Billie. She was just so… HER… all the time. Whether she was a goth or a hippy, she was overwhelmingly her, and I loved that. I’m not sure I’ve ever just been me, so I guess that’s why it’s such an admirable quality.

When she moved away with her new boyfriend, I wrote her everyday until she broke up with him and came back to live in my basement for a while. Her boyfriend sold everything he owned in an “I Love Billie” yard sale, and hopped a flight to come back for her. It was super cute. They lived with me for a bit, but then got their own place, and eventually her job took her away from me again, this time to Oregon.

It’s been sad not having her around, because no matter what I want to do, Billie would do it with me. Band she’s never heard of? Let’s go. Alt punk fashion show? Totes in. Video games and pizza? No hesitation. Billie is just that kind of person…

BUT I GET TO SEE HER NEXT MONDAY!!!!!!!

So… yay countdown.

Building a Dungeon & Feeling Wiped Out

I didn’t manage to get either of my podcasts done this weekend.
Life just didn’t have that in the cards for me, I guess.

I didn’t have a bad weekend. I just feel… drained AF.

Friday night I drove up to Robot Boy’s place. He wanted to take me out for sushi, but there was some kind of vague family emergency that TO ME and the small amount of information I gleaned from him, boiled down to “he loaned money to a fiscally irresponsible relative, because he’s nice like that.” Maybe there’s more to it, I dunno, I didn’t pry. So, he couldn’t afford to take me to sushi or go out. It’s fine, though, cuz we went to a Mexican joint instead. I paid for dinner while he paid for drinks, and it was a nice meal regardless. Then we went back to his place and watched some Netflix, with no chill.

We also watched YouTube, because he wanted to show me HarmonQuest. This is a show where Dan Harmon (writer for Rick & Morty, Community, and Monster House) got some people together and played Dungeons and Dragons… And you watch them, and they animate the adventure, too… and it’s a good time. I actually really liked it and killed the whole season the next day. It also made me want to play D&D, or a variation thereof.

Fortunately for me, I have some geeky friends. I went to see Bren on Saturday. His kid was sick, but I brought some girl beer and bought us dinner. We tried to play one of his more complicated board games, but got side-lined by the kid in a weird state of consciousness. So, instead we just hung out and discussed MAYBE playing an RPG. He’d love to play! He wanted to start a Pathfinder game at his place. He just doesn’t want to DM.

Oddly enough, in my many vast and varied adventures in dating mega-geeks, I have been interested in pen-and-paper RPGs before… and subsequently already had a couple of books. The thing is that, like many things I gather for love of the idea, no one ever wanted to play with me. So I’ve had two books sitting in my basement since I was 21 that I haven’t ever used. They are World of Darkness and WoD: Asylum. A Horror RPG is really more up my alley than a Fantasy one. I am, admittedly, not great at being a half-orc…

I got home from Bren’s and proceeded to sleep from 8pm to 8am… which is weird for me, but I haven’t felt great, recently… Sunday I watched more HarmonQuest and got to thinking. It would be fun to do something new and I could maybe Skype in my friend that moved away so we can hang out. So, I dug out my books and flipped through them, a “dungeon” forming in my head, and that’s when I realized that I don’t know how to write an RPG dungeon. I really don’t.

When my ex used to make one for his D&D group, he used graph paper and stuff… but he never even helped me make a character, much less explain how to build a dungeon. Robot Boy helped me make a character, but he used a stat generator to randomize my character and I just got to build the personality. So I did what any modern curious human would do… I googled that shit.

Lots of poking around the internet and I ordered some helper books. Bren also sent me a neat website that will help you build a dungeon. While it’s designed for a pretty classic fantasy dungeon, it does come with a scifi ship layout, and I bet I could use it and some graph paper to help me map out my own Asylum Dungeon…

So all that happened… and, I’m fucking tired today.
We have auditors, but at least they aren’t the malicious ones.
My head hurts and I seem to be having an allergic reaction to SOMETHING… which is new, cuz I never had allergies before…
I just want to go home and sleep more… but I told mom we should hit the gym after work.I weighed myself today… and I’m definitely at the heaviest I’ve ever been…
I’m nervous about it. I want to do better, but I’m not good at diet or exercise… but I’m going to try. For lunch this week I am bringing steamed veggies, and I am trying to hit the gym, and my big thing is I’m not buying soda anymore (I have a 2 liter of Fanta to finish up at home, but I’m not buying more).

Lots of stuff is happening… It’s all exhausting.

Apparently I’m Gonna Write A Book? (Maybe…)

So, a wonderful, beautiful thing happened last night. I went to see Eddie Izzard at the Paramount, and rekindled my deep seeded crush on him. Not only did I laugh to the point I was crying, but it was just nice to feel something relatively normal. My last entry, if you missed it, was about how uncomfortable it is to not feel attraction towards people. It is, and I hate it, and I find myself hating me because I feel so broken (It’s a good entry… go read it), and I don’t like hating me: me is awesome. So it was a really magical kind of moment to see Eddie Izzard get up on stage and feel my heart flutter with the distant memory of what a crush feels like. I was almost giddy with it.

FAQ:
Did you feel sexual attraction toward Eddie?
I don’t think so, but I felt romantic attraction, as well as platonic. Maybe even a little sensual attraction… Like, I would cuddle with Eddie Izzard if he brought me hot tea and then told me stories.
Does this crush change anything about you? No. I’m still Aro. I’m still Ace. I just caught a glimpse of a crush and it’s better than heroin***.
(***Author has never tried heroin… but assumes it is fantastic in a life-ruining kind of way)

Do you think this will trigger you to have crushes on other people in really real life? I’m not counting on it. I mean, to find a witty, intelligent, attractive, British transvestite comedian in Denver is a pretty lofty goal. Finding someone that’s any of those characteristics is hard, really.

I know that to most people, aro or otherwise, it will seem really childish to be so excited about having a crush. To those people I say, “I’m glad you’re so comfortable with yourself, and I hope to be like you one day.” For me, though, this isn’t just feeling a crush. It’s like gaining sensation back into a dead limb. It’s a moment of normalcy in a world where nothing about how I relate to people is normal. I’m distant, cold, rarely attracted to no one in any kind of capacity, and prefer the company of my dogs to most people. But last night I was normal. I was just a fangirl, sitting in a theater, swooning like an idiot over a person that made me turn to glitter. If you can’t understand what a relief and a beautiful thing that was for me… I dunno. I envy you, I guess.

In the wake of my my moment, I got an idea. I’ve decided to TRY to write a book. It’s a novel. It’s about an asexual aromantic, and what that’s like. Will she end up finding out that she was never aromantic or asexual and that she just needed to find the right person to show that to her? FUCK NO. I hate when books end like that. Will she end up in a QPR? Maybe. I haven’t thought that far. I really want to write it, though.

My goal with the book is to highlight what I’ve felt in my adventures, thus far, being aromantic and asexual. The ups, the downs, the failed attempts at dating and relationships. I’m going to make the main character less hermity than myself, though. Like yeah, she’s AroAce like me, but she’ll have closer friends and be a little more human and a little less cyborg. Lol. There’s going to be fighting, self-doubt, pain, self hatred, loneliness, confusion… I want it all in there. I want the narrative to make you feel things, beautiful and wretched… and I want people to realize that being Aro or Ace, or both, doesn’t mean you don’t feel those things.

So… I’ve already started on the first entry for that. If you’re interested in it, the new blog for it will be here. I should have the first entry up sometime this evening, I think. The entries will prolly jump around… I have never been good at writing in a linear pattern… more like a stream of consciousness… and then I’ll have to reorganize later… but there it is if you’re interested.

Other Random Stuff:
My car is broken… drive shaft is coming apart… shop is gonna fix it… Mothership is gonna help me pay for it… I hate that I have to ask for help… UGH… I get to go see JULY TALK tomorrow with Billie. That’s exciting because A, I love July Talk, 2, I love Billie, and D, I found someone to go to that show with me.
Been playing a lot of Final Fantasy X on PS2… avoiding real social interaction…

And yeah. I guess that’s all for now. ^_^