Manson-Zombie Goodness

So, my mom got me tickets to see the two biggest icons from when I was mopey 13 year old, and I’m so stoked I could die.

There’s something to be said about having something to look forward to.


Mania & Sobriety

I don’t know why, but MY DEPRESSION HAS FINALLY LIFTED! I’m sure it’ll be back, of course, but it’s been such a wonderful week since I last felt sad. I’ve been mad, happy, content, even giddy! It’s emotions I forgot existed. It’s a brightness in my life that I had forgotten how to feel. It’s been really nice.

With my new mood are lifestyle changes. I’m reading more (currently got three books going), I’ve developed a weird affinity for Electronica for some reason, I’ve been trying to draw again, and for the first time in months I’m sober. Not to say that I was going home and getting totally wrecked alone, because that’s inaccurate. I did develop some bad daily habits to drag myself out of the deepest depths of the blue, though. I am not a fan of anything I use to improve my mood on the daily, whether it be drinking, smoking, binging, or some new self-destructive habit I can come up with. I’d been trying NOT to do those things and trying NOT to immediately go to bed when I went home, and one day last week I was just… not sad anymore.

I was just angry for days. It’s not really unusual, because most of the time my mania is extremely narcissistic rage, but I noticed that I was rapid cycling, and then the rage just stuck around for a couple of days. Being angry sounds awful, but it was really a welcome relief from the blue. Red is, at least, a different kind of oppressive. Plus I got that nice top-of-the-world feeling! Because why just be mad when you can have self-righteous indignation? Eventually the rage would lift and I’d be in the white for a while, and after a bit the white just staid.

Mania, even hypo-mania, comes with its own problems. I’ve been binging. It’s happy binge eating, at least, and I’m enjoying all the Chipotle I cram into my face, but it’s not any healthier than depressed binging aside from knowing that I’m not going to try and purge it later. I’m sure I’ve gained weight from it. I’ve been trying not to spend money since I bought my brightly colored dresses, but I took a bunch of books and video games to 2nd & Charles to sell, and ended up going home with twice as much as I got for them in books (horror anthologies for Halloween). I have virtually NO attention span, so watching TV is out. In general, I feel better, but I’m not really LIVING better. Lol. Although, it’s nice not to sleep 12 hours a day and spend the rest at work.

I dunno what triggered the change, but I’m grateful for it. I also hope the inevitable crash isn’t really bad… and that I get some time in the white before nose-diving deep into the blue again.

This afternoon, work has put me into the red, but just a little… in the pink maybe… I’m mad, but it’s with reason, and I’m not raging… just irritated mostly.

Still… it’s nice to be sober… and it’s nice to not be sad. ^_^

Now if I can just wrangle in the manic habits, I could maybe be a really real human being for a while. Lol.

One Week

One week from today I’ll be with my Billie in Oregon.
I’m very excited about it. I’ve missed her so much.

Billie and I met by happenstance. Her boyfriend had posted a Craigslist ad for someone to hang out and watch horror movies with. Billie was a lot more interesting than her boyfriend. It cracked me up, because when they split Billie didn’t want to tell me they broke up; I dunno why. When push came to shove, though… I helped Billie move out and she got me in the breakup. Lol.

I couldn’t have known how much I’d like Billie. She was just so… HER… all the time. Whether she was a goth or a hippy, she was overwhelmingly her, and I loved that. I’m not sure I’ve ever just been me, so I guess that’s why it’s such an admirable quality.

When she moved away with her new boyfriend, I wrote her everyday until she broke up with him and came back to live in my basement for a while. Her boyfriend sold everything he owned in an “I Love Billie” yard sale, and hopped a flight to come back for her. It was super cute. They lived with me for a bit, but then got their own place, and eventually her job took her away from me again, this time to Oregon.

It’s been sad not having her around, because no matter what I want to do, Billie would do it with me. Band she’s never heard of? Let’s go. Alt punk fashion show? Totes in. Video games and pizza? No hesitation. Billie is just that kind of person…


So… yay countdown.

Building a Dungeon & Feeling Wiped Out

I didn’t manage to get either of my podcasts done this weekend.
Life just didn’t have that in the cards for me, I guess.

I didn’t have a bad weekend. I just feel… drained AF.

Friday night I drove up to Robot Boy’s place. He wanted to take me out for sushi, but there was some kind of vague family emergency that TO ME and the small amount of information I gleaned from him, boiled down to “he loaned money to a fiscally irresponsible relative, because he’s nice like that.” Maybe there’s more to it, I dunno, I didn’t pry. So, he couldn’t afford to take me to sushi or go out. It’s fine, though, cuz we went to a Mexican joint instead. I paid for dinner while he paid for drinks, and it was a nice meal regardless. Then we went back to his place and watched some Netflix, with no chill.

We also watched YouTube, because he wanted to show me HarmonQuest. This is a show where Dan Harmon (writer for Rick & Morty, Community, and Monster House) got some people together and played Dungeons and Dragons… And you watch them, and they animate the adventure, too… and it’s a good time. I actually really liked it and killed the whole season the next day. It also made me want to play D&D, or a variation thereof.

Fortunately for me, I have some geeky friends. I went to see Bren on Saturday. His kid was sick, but I brought some girl beer and bought us dinner. We tried to play one of his more complicated board games, but got side-lined by the kid in a weird state of consciousness. So, instead we just hung out and discussed MAYBE playing an RPG. He’d love to play! He wanted to start a Pathfinder game at his place. He just doesn’t want to DM.

Oddly enough, in my many vast and varied adventures in dating mega-geeks, I have been interested in pen-and-paper RPGs before… and subsequently already had a couple of books. The thing is that, like many things I gather for love of the idea, no one ever wanted to play with me. So I’ve had two books sitting in my basement since I was 21 that I haven’t ever used. They are World of Darkness and WoD: Asylum. A Horror RPG is really more up my alley than a Fantasy one. I am, admittedly, not great at being a half-orc…

I got home from Bren’s and proceeded to sleep from 8pm to 8am… which is weird for me, but I haven’t felt great, recently… Sunday I watched more HarmonQuest and got to thinking. It would be fun to do something new and I could maybe Skype in my friend that moved away so we can hang out. So, I dug out my books and flipped through them, a “dungeon” forming in my head, and that’s when I realized that I don’t know how to write an RPG dungeon. I really don’t.

When my ex used to make one for his D&D group, he used graph paper and stuff… but he never even helped me make a character, much less explain how to build a dungeon. Robot Boy helped me make a character, but he used a stat generator to randomize my character and I just got to build the personality. So I did what any modern curious human would do… I googled that shit.

Lots of poking around the internet and I ordered some helper books. Bren also sent me a neat website that will help you build a dungeon. While it’s designed for a pretty classic fantasy dungeon, it does come with a scifi ship layout, and I bet I could use it and some graph paper to help me map out my own Asylum Dungeon…

So all that happened… and, I’m fucking tired today.
We have auditors, but at least they aren’t the malicious ones.
My head hurts and I seem to be having an allergic reaction to SOMETHING… which is new, cuz I never had allergies before…
I just want to go home and sleep more… but I told mom we should hit the gym after work.I weighed myself today… and I’m definitely at the heaviest I’ve ever been…
I’m nervous about it. I want to do better, but I’m not good at diet or exercise… but I’m going to try. For lunch this week I am bringing steamed veggies, and I am trying to hit the gym, and my big thing is I’m not buying soda anymore (I have a 2 liter of Fanta to finish up at home, but I’m not buying more).

Lots of stuff is happening… It’s all exhausting.

Apparently I’m Gonna Write A Book? (Maybe…)

So, a wonderful, beautiful thing happened last night. I went to see Eddie Izzard at the Paramount, and rekindled my deep seeded crush on him. Not only did I laugh to the point I was crying, but it was just nice to feel something relatively normal. My last entry, if you missed it, was about how uncomfortable it is to not feel attraction towards people. It is, and I hate it, and I find myself hating me because I feel so broken (It’s a good entry… go read it), and I don’t like hating me: me is awesome. So it was a really magical kind of moment to see Eddie Izzard get up on stage and feel my heart flutter with the distant memory of what a crush feels like. I was almost giddy with it.

Did you feel sexual attraction toward Eddie?
I don’t think so, but I felt romantic attraction, as well as platonic. Maybe even a little sensual attraction… Like, I would cuddle with Eddie Izzard if he brought me hot tea and then told me stories.
Does this crush change anything about you? No. I’m still Aro. I’m still Ace. I just caught a glimpse of a crush and it’s better than heroin***.
(***Author has never tried heroin… but assumes it is fantastic in a life-ruining kind of way)

Do you think this will trigger you to have crushes on other people in really real life? I’m not counting on it. I mean, to find a witty, intelligent, attractive, British transvestite comedian in Denver is a pretty lofty goal. Finding someone that’s any of those characteristics is hard, really.

I know that to most people, aro or otherwise, it will seem really childish to be so excited about having a crush. To those people I say, “I’m glad you’re so comfortable with yourself, and I hope to be like you one day.” For me, though, this isn’t just feeling a crush. It’s like gaining sensation back into a dead limb. It’s a moment of normalcy in a world where nothing about how I relate to people is normal. I’m distant, cold, rarely attracted to no one in any kind of capacity, and prefer the company of my dogs to most people. But last night I was normal. I was just a fangirl, sitting in a theater, swooning like an idiot over a person that made me turn to glitter. If you can’t understand what a relief and a beautiful thing that was for me… I dunno. I envy you, I guess.

In the wake of my my moment, I got an idea. I’ve decided to TRY to write a book. It’s a novel. It’s about an asexual aromantic, and what that’s like. Will she end up finding out that she was never aromantic or asexual and that she just needed to find the right person to show that to her? FUCK NO. I hate when books end like that. Will she end up in a QPR? Maybe. I haven’t thought that far. I really want to write it, though.

My goal with the book is to highlight what I’ve felt in my adventures, thus far, being aromantic and asexual. The ups, the downs, the failed attempts at dating and relationships. I’m going to make the main character less hermity than myself, though. Like yeah, she’s AroAce like me, but she’ll have closer friends and be a little more human and a little less cyborg. Lol. There’s going to be fighting, self-doubt, pain, self hatred, loneliness, confusion… I want it all in there. I want the narrative to make you feel things, beautiful and wretched… and I want people to realize that being Aro or Ace, or both, doesn’t mean you don’t feel those things.

So… I’ve already started on the first entry for that. If you’re interested in it, the new blog for it will be here. I should have the first entry up sometime this evening, I think. The entries will prolly jump around… I have never been good at writing in a linear pattern… more like a stream of consciousness… and then I’ll have to reorganize later… but there it is if you’re interested.

Other Random Stuff:
My car is broken… drive shaft is coming apart… shop is gonna fix it… Mothership is gonna help me pay for it… I hate that I have to ask for help… UGH… I get to go see JULY TALK tomorrow with Billie. That’s exciting because A, I love July Talk, 2, I love Billie, and D, I found someone to go to that show with me.
Been playing a lot of Final Fantasy X on PS2… avoiding real social interaction…

And yeah. I guess that’s all for now. ^_^

Space Ace

Poly Parties

So, I have an eclectic group of friends. They range in ages, sexualities, economic statuses, ethnicities, and personality types. One particularly interesting clique I associate with is a group of poly-amorous people. Poly people are SO FASCINATING, for a couple of reasons. First of all, I’m not poly anything. I’m a strictly monogamous person, because I’m crazy psycho jealous… so seeing people effectively carry on multiple romantic relationships is like observing alien behavior. Second, there’s the sexual aspect. Now, there are poly people that only have multiple romantic relationships, but this group tend to also incorporate multiple sexual relationships. I find that terribly interesting, because, again, I get crazy wicked jealous. So whenever these poly people have a party, I love going.

This time around is going be strange but fun, though. They haven’t had a poly party since I… realized… that I’m Meh-Sexual.

Meh-Sexual is the word I’ve adopted to accurately describe my sexuality, because I’m tired of people telling me that asexual means I reproduce by budding or mitosis. Meh-Sexual is not the same as Nah-Sexual. I’m sex neutral, meaning I might have sex with you, so I use meh. It’s not like… an interesting activity for me. I have friends that don’t have sex at all, so they are Nah-Sexual. I have yet to come up with better terms for the rest of the types of Aces. Working on it.

At previous parties, my instinct is to drink until I make poor life choices. It just seemed the thing to do, being surrounded by people that totally embrace a sexual lifestyle and all. The drinking made the awkward feeling go away. This time, I think I’ll do it differently.

I’ve taken the initiative to invite my friend that “gets” my asexuality. I dunno that she understands the whole thing, but she totally accepts it without question, and I love that about her. She’s also in a committed, strictly monogamous relationship. So I figure she and I could have a lot of fun being spectators. Since she will be with me, maybe I won’t drink until I throw respect for myself out the window, and then I won’t make poor life choices. That’s the plan.

I say poor life choices, but let me be clear… these people aren’t really pushy about sex. Yeah, they’ll ask if I wanna go hook up somewhere, and they get naked a lot (all of them)… but they’ve never badgered me into anything. The people I’ve hooked up with were nice enough. Nothing got weird later. Nothing got anything later. It was just something that happened. I enjoy the relaxed view of sex, even if I don’t want to actively participate in it. The poor life choice is that I did things just because I thought it was the thing to do, instead of doing it because I wanted to. That’s poor choices on MY end.

Anyways, I’m super excited to go. They’re always such fun parties. This one is to try and help raise some money for my friend that got hit by a drunk driver. Her car got totaled. Attractions, besides watching people get weird, include a kissing book, Thai yoga massage, bobbing for dildos (I’m so doing this), pin the tail on the bottom, sugar skull face painting, naked twister (which I will NOT be doing, but might watch), and something about claws… maybe a food item? I can’t wait to find out.

I’m thinking of bringing a sketch books and offering to do some quick caricatures to help out… I have to practice that style of drawing first, though… drawing with a marker can be tricky. I could just bring it and hand out doodles for a buck, I guess. Try to help and whatnot. ^_^ I dunno.

Anyways… I’m excited… and I’m excited to be going as an Ace.