Here’s the highlights of 2023 so far.
January – Aunt Ruby died after falling AGAIN, and then contracted COVID in the rehab facility from her nurse. I dunno why, but Donnie stopped talking to the family, and didn’t even attend his mom’s funeral. Uncle Danny said like 200 people showed up for Aunt Ruby’s funeral, and I believe it, because she was a sweet woman that took care of everyone all the time. They had a police escort all the way from Cantonment to the family cemetery up in Alabama. I hate that she’s gone, but I hope she knows how many lives she touched. The same day she died I had to go to our manager dinner for work. It was fine. Nice setup. Hard to enjoy it, though. Four days after Ruby died, we had to put Bea down. She had an eye infection, and my mom watched her and took her to the vet for me, but she didn’t get better. Then she couldn’t stand without being in pain. We carried her around, thinking she just hurt her shoulder somehow, but Chris took her to the vet and they told him she didn’t have any blood platelets. We took her to the ER, and they told us she wouldn’t be able to go home… she was in pain, and treatment was $10k, and not guaranteed to work… and I just didn’t have the money… and… it still hurts so much. January was so hard.
February came and went. I was depressed. I quit smoking. Mom started making us dinner every Thursday back in January. She has been getting more and more into cooking, especially while her garden is on hold due to inclement weather.
The first week of March I was incredibly down. People were aware I was depressed, but they… either didn’t know how to care for me, or were just plain unable. I love my friends, but most of them aren’t people I get on with naturally. I started fabricating my personality in 9th grade, and it hasn’t really stopped. I don’t mind doing it, usually, but I just lost the ability to mask it anymore… and that’s when I made a decision I can explain, but not well. I called Matt.
It was easy to find Matt’s information. I’ve kept moderate tabs on many people since high school, because I have a weird obsession with forgetting things… so I like document. I’d kept up with Matt over the years, predominantly because I always missed him. Around the same time my mental illness really took off, Matt’s marriage was falling apart, and we lost each other. Matt was always someone I was drawn to, in part because he was also broken, but also because he just always seems to get me. I never had to act with Matt, because we were both up to similar shenanigans, and honestly we roped each other into several adventures. Not every memory with Matt is a good one, and he cut me off for a while when he got married…. My friend Traci managed to befriend his girlfriend, so when they got married, Traci made him invite me to his wedding… and I’m glad she did, because I really wanted Matt to be happy. We weren’t on great terms at that point, Matt and I, and I can’t even remember why. I wish I could say I stuck by him when his marriage fell apart, but I was starting a spiral and I’m ashamed to say I abandoned him. He found me on a dating site not too long before I met Chris, and he wanted to get a drink, catch up, etc., and I declined. I wish I hadn’t. I don’t even really know why I declined. I was just so hellbent on cutting all ties and running away at that point, even if it meant taking mom with me.
Anyway, after some light digging, a lot of thinking, and a push from my shrink, Margarita, I texted him out of nowhere after like 13 years. My approach was very me. I asked if the phone number belonged to Matt, and then asked him if he would like to meet a mysterious stranger from his past for a drink. True to form, he suspected I was someone that meant him harm, and wouldn’t do it til he knew who I was… so I sent him a selfie and he agreed to let me buy him a drink.
I was nervous. I was so nervous. I really hoped he didn’t hate me. I really hoped he would show up. I really hoped it was like when I get back with David and we fall into our normal patterns easily. I really hoped I hadn’t made a huge mistake. He picked a dive bar to meet at after work that day, and Chris was out at a MTG thing, so I told Chris I was meeting a friend for a drink after work. I hadn’t planned to meet Matt that day, and I knew I was gonna have to explain this to Chris later, but at the time none of that mattered… all that mattered was that I needed to feel a semblance of normal no one else could provide me with. I just NEEDED someone or something new or old or whatever, but different, and for some reason I decided it was Matt. David didn’t think I should message him… I did consult him before getting up the bawlz to text Matt, but on my way home from work I just did it. Even if I got stood up, at least I’d done something. Margarita had told me that I needed to just do something different, and for whatever reason I took that to heart. I used different doors that day, I made different decisions on purpose… and then I went to get a drink with Matt.
It’s honestly so strange to see someone after such a long time. It’s strange what’s changed. It’s stranger what doesn’t.
I’ve always been weirdly in love with nostalgia, but if I was in love with nostalgia before, seeing Matt again felt like a scene from a chick flick romance. He came in and he looked older, but I couldn’t have mistaken him for anyone else. He came in, sat down, and waited. I immediately wished I had prepared some idea of what I even asked him there for, but it was too late to do that, so I just kinda acted like this was normal at first. It was pretty clear he was wary, but I was too busy being wrapped up in the fact he was there, and it was actually him. He still has the same gait when he walks. He sits the same way he always has, lazing more than sitting, and taking up more room than necessary, but not enough to be obnoxious. You always know when Matt is in a room, he has a way of getting everyone’s attention without actually doing anything to draw it. He was light hearted, even though he was unsure, and I didn’t realize how much I’d missed his laugh. It’s associated with so many memories of us just having a good time. Everything about him was familiar, from the way he meters his words, the way words roll off his tongue, the way he holds a rocks glass, the way he smirks when I say something a little cutting. He was always good at banter, and still is. He was always great at talking to people without sharing anything. He can read body language, he can pinpoint ticks and tells. He called me out several times, and we laughed about it. We picked and prodded, pushed and pulled at each other… He ended up picking up the bar tab and even though I left the bar feeling better than I had in a really long time… I wished that night could have gone on forever.
We talked about his marriage and his kids. They’re so big now, and his exwife hasn’t let him see them in all this time. I hope those kids know he wanted to see them… the ex just has too much money and legal power. I don’t entirely fault her but I don’t think she had a right to keep him from his kids… especially when she’s not even the bio-mom of the older one. It’s complicated. Maybe I’ll tell you about it some time. We talked about Chris, and how I ended up with two step kids and a guy I take care of. We just talked, caught up, and I hoped he couldn’t tell how much I missed him… but he probably did, because he decided he would come out with Robyn and I that Friday… which wasn’t as much fun, tbh. I dunno why, but I like having Matt one-on-one… I guess because I’m not the same person with Robyn as I am with just Matt.
Chris was justifiably worried about the fact I met a guy for drinks, but that night I came home and told him all about it. I was overjoyed. I was so unusually happy that he even said it out loud, “wow, you’re so happy.” I knew right then that Chris would likely take a while to warm up to Matt, but that even if he didn’t understand why I needed Matt, he understood I needed him. Chris is great like that. He doesn’t always understand, but he does his best to go along with whatever insane thought I’m operating on any given day.
I sent David a picture of Matt and I that first night, and I know he didn’t get that, either… why I would go backward to find people we used to get in trouble with… but David has changed so much over the years, and he just rolled with it.
My mom freaked out. She was concerned I contacted Matt. She was concerned I was trying to leave Chris and just being tacky about it. She literally sat me down and just interrogated me on what was going on, and like I said already, I didn’t have a real explanation for why. I just wanted to see Matt, and so I did.
Relaying all of this to Margarita was… exciting, but my mom had gotten in my head so bad about my own motivations I was beginning to doubt myself. That was when Margarita pointed out that though I am very protective of my mother, she had torn me down after I did something that made me happy. It didn’t matter than I had a history with Matt. It didn’t matter that I made an impulsive decision. It didn’t matter that it could have been a bad decision. I was happy, and my mom turned it into a problem… and I had never put that together quite that way before. It’s changed my view on things my mom says. She’s still my mom, and I know she has my best at heart, but that doesn’t mean she actually knows what’s best for me, because she never really understood me, either.
Margarita has continued to like Matt’s existence in my life, much to everyone’s chagrin. There’s just something about Matt that makes me feel… normal. I dunno why, but I feel like Matt is someone that might “get” me. It’s not that he understands, endorses, or even agrees with everything I do and say… he does not, and just like before we stopped talking, we have a friendship based on essentially calling each other on our bullshit, and having a friendly power struggle. He may not understand it all, but he does get that I just am this person. I don’t have to be anyone else. I don’t have to be happy. I don’t have to be understanding. I don’t have to be animated or even interested. I just get to be when I’m with Matt. We keep it predominantly superficial, even when talking about serious stuff. He challenges me. He likes to flirt with the line we don’t tend to cross, and get just close enough to get a reaction before I get as close to the same line as I can get without crossing it. He laughs when I analyze him out loud, and he can give it right back to me. When I’m with him… and this is likely going to sound weird… but in my warped head, that I am aware is warped, hanging out with Matt is like we’re two gods amongst men… My superiority complex may as well glow when we’re together, and I like to think it boosts his own complex, though I’d never ask him.
I’m not in love with Matt, btw. I know I wax poetic, and yeah, I do have love for the guy, but it’s not a romantic kind of love, and it’s not a brotherly love… it’s just this feeling that we’re good together, and that we are supposed to be in each other’s lives. It’s like… Okay, it’s like what I tell my shrink when she tells me something is “human,” and I tell her I’m from Pluto. Being with Matt is like finding someone else from Pluto on Earth. He’s not my soulmate, he’s not someone I love like a brother. Matt is just my fellow Plutonian stranded on Earth. He speaks my language. He gets my culture. He knows the jokes. He picks up the jargon. He makes me feel home in a way even Chris can’t, because Chris is only human. It’s been a long time since I felt anything that felt like home.
April was a blur. I didn’t get to see Matt much, but I continued to poke at him. I kinda closed off in April. People got so taxing to be around, even people I usually like. They just seem to require so much energy to be around. So I cornered myself off.
I’ve tried to get Matt out for a drink, but his work schedule took him outta state, and this week we got HUGE hail in the area, so he’s been pretty busy. Also this week, I ran out of ALL my psychiatric meds. No Sertraline. No Bupropion. No Dextroamphetamine. At least I have a lot of Gabapentin stocked up, but it’s not enough to keep me on track. I’m been declining, and when I decline, my shrink tells me to call Matt. As a result, though, he’s been kind of aware that I’ve heading toward some kind of break. I tried to get to him Wednesday, with no luck thanks to weather and work, and much to my surprise, last night he texted me out of the blue.
This is strange because he’s never really been one to hit me up before I hit him up. It’s just Matt’s way. He’s got self-worth issues big as or bigger than mine. Anyways, he texted me to ask me to a drink, I told him I wasn’t doing great and off meds, and then he spent the evening texting me. Matt doesn’t text. It’s not his preferred form of communication, but text me he did, all night.
We talked about the poly party I’m going to with Chris next week, and I had the audacity to ask if Matt would like to come. That sounds sexual. Lemme e’splain. I want to see Matt. I want Chris to stop being wary of Matt. My thought was that Matt would enjoy a sex party, but also if I could get Chris to see us in a VERY sexual atmosphere having no interest in each other unless we’re launching insults at each other, then Chris’ subconscious would join his conscious in accepting that I’m not going to cheat on Chris with Matt. To my surprise, Matt doesn’t like poly play, and would love a serious partner. I asked what he wanted in a serious partner, however, and his reply was that we had to talk about that in person because he wasn’t going to give me proof… and I asked why… and he said, “I’m just aware of how you and information is different from you and proof.” I’m so proud of the fact he holds me in high enough regard to not want to give me proof of something. I then weaseled out of him a bunch of info on the new chick he’s into… so his plan didn’t really go right, but I’m not sure if that’s because I was sad and he wanted to make me feel better, or if he was drinking and forgot, but it made my night. He made me feel normal, AND when I told him I couldn’t go out to drink, he offered for me to just go hang with him at his place, which is new. He said, “If you want a place to be and feel normal, minus the alcohol, let me know.” Can’t lie. Made me weepy, because I so rarely feel like anyone besides Chris really cares about me. I can’t even explain how much that sentence meant to me.
Back to the poly party, Chris is excited. He’s never been to a poly party before, as we had to skip March’s party since I was having a nervous breakdown. We talked about it last night, because we got a copy of the house rules and setup and whatnot, and he had to clarify that if we go, he’s allowed to play. Of course he’s allowed to play. He wants to say he’s not used to a poly relationship, and I had to point out he’s the one that had a sidepiece in the past five years. We’ve been a poly couple, but it’s hard to find players during a pandemic lockdown. He’s so weird about it. I’ve tried to tell him before that I’m not typically super interested in sex, so I leave the door open for a polycule to form if he’s not getting enough sex outta me, but whether he doesn’t believe me or just doesn’t understand is still up in the air. He asked if I was gonna play, and honestly I doubt it, but I said it would depend who’s there.
I haven’t actually looked at the guest list, since I don’t have a fetlife account, but when I sent the link of the event to Matt he told me about the guests, and that’s how I learned about Matt’s fetlife account… It’s gonna be rotund people in their 40s. Matt’s younger than me, and I’m only 34, so I get why the attendees aren’t appealing to him. He’s more into 27 yr olds that go to the gym. Lol. I’ll be honest, I doubt they will be all that appealing to me, either. I’m not against fat 40-somethings, but it’s pretty rare I have sexual chemistry with someone anymore, since I drink less. Also, sober sex is a little hard on me, and the event is alcohol free, so I feel like I will mostly be playing board games and documenting Chris’ reactions to his first sex party. Chris has a fetlife, so he looked up the guests last night, but didn’t comment on it. I dunno what that means, but I do know that if Chris weren’t shy, he would be a huge ho. I’m expecting him to bang anyone willing, tbh.
Love Chris to death, but his sex tastes are… gross. Lol. I’m not trying to yuck his yum or whatever, but if I’m honest our kinks don’t align. I have a power play kink bordering on sexual assault, and Chris is pretty unable to really help me with that. He’s gotten a little better at being dominant, but it’s really just not his thing. I’ve catered to his kinks, which I won’t list because it’s not like they’re uncommon kinks, 3but it’s hard to say I really enjoyed most of them. Like I said, sober sex is hard for me… It always just feels wrong somehow, but I have so much trauma it’s not really worth getting to the bottom of. It’s just easier to know I’m asexual, and that sex will always be a hobby, at best. It’s not EASY to live that way, but it’s not easy to live most ways, so who am I to complain.
I guess I’m back to blogging. I dunno why I stopped.
Teh Prophet Lushpuppy 