Infatuation

So a weird thing happened to me.

I got invited to a poly party, which is where a group of polyamorous people get together. The ones I’ve been to previously were based on a lot of poly play… lots of hooking up… As an asexual, and someone that isn’t keen on sharing, either, these parties fascinate me. I tend to go just to people watch and see what happens, and people tend to invite me because… I have no idea. Cuz I’m pretty? Maybe?

Anyways, so my IT guy is what the 1950s housewife community would call a sexual deviant. He gets around, and whatnot, so I invited him along. It seemed like it would be right up his alley. I also invited my friend that goes through men like tissues, and a few of my regular friends. They’re always curious. I feel like they think these parties turn into orgies… which isn’t what happens. It’s more like all these people gather in an area, and then they pick who to hook up with…. while I sip vodka and take mental bets on who picks whom.

This was actually an unusually tame poly party, though. It ended up being a lot of Cards Against Humanity in the living room, and Truth or Dare out back. I kinda kicked off the Truth or Dare… I started with Never Have I Ever, as a conversational device, and the it naturally escalated into Truth or Dare… but the thing is, even though it was a poly party, and most everyone there is sexually free and has low inhibitions, no one really knew what to dare people. There were only a few good ones… some streaking, but it was weird because it just tapered out since everyone was too weird to actually say anything interesting.

So I was there to observe, and there was this guy, who was pretty cute, outgoing, and seemed fun. He stood next to me in Truth or Dare, and he was really nice, and he kept doing this thing where he’d wink at me. I dunno what’s with that, but he’s got these gorgeous hazel eyes, and the winking just did it for me as a human being. I was like, I MUST KNOW YOU RIGHT NOW. He’s about 5’11”, hazel eyes, dark curly hair with sun bleached highlights that he hid under a cowboy hat made from truck tarp most of the night, with a big worn leather jacket, worn out jeans, and a cowboy boots. None of that fits what I ever see myself picking up somewhere. He looked a little country, a lot of blue collar, and GOD DAMN IT HE KEPT WINKING AT ME WHEN HE TALKED TO ME. My friend dared us to kiss and we more…. made out a little bit… then somewhere over the course of the party we ended up talking a lot.

So, I’m an asexual at a poly party, which sounds unheard of or like the plot from a weird indie movie. It’s not actually THAT weird, though, since being asexual doesn’t mean I’m sex repulsed or something. It just means that when you’re looking at me like I’m a steak, I’m looking at you like you’re a book. (I really enjoyed that metaphor, so I hope you all got it.) I mention that I’m asexual right out of the gate to people with any kind of interest in me at these parties. It’s only fair, since they’re usually there to find a new person to connect with sexually, and I’m not. So I just get it out of the way that I don’t wanna bang anyone at these parties. Half the time they find that interesting, and half they find it a little whack. Either way, it usually puts me off the table, and if it doesn’t then I also mention my complete disdain for sharing. I’m not poly. I don’t share well. What’s mine is mine and if you touch what is mine, I will fucking kill you in your sleep. One or both of those can deter almost anyone at a poly party.

So imagine my surprise when I’m talking to the winking cowboy and it turns out he’s not poly. Nope. He just came with a friend, easy as that. Also, he thinks I’m quite lovely, and he’d love to take me out on a date. WEIRD. Also, quite flattering.So we chat, and while he makes the clarification of “do you ever have sex” the asexual thing doesn’t even seem to phase him.

Me: “Yeah, I have sex with people I date. I’m just picky and wait till like date 3… which is apparently off-putting.”
Him: “You can wait till date 10 if you like. I’d just like to take you out.”

So we talk. Everyone I invited starts to filter out of the party. I’m intrigued, and he’s adorable, and he thinks I’m adorable, which is correct, and…
I don’t really know when I broke up with my last boyfriend. It’s been a few years now, but I didn’t manage to write it down or anything, so I don’t know exactly how long it’s been since I had a relationship. I do know that it’s been about 4 years since I really had anyone over the house. I just kind of barricaded myself into my house and kept everyone outside of it… So I decided to take him home, and then had a ridiculous panic attack about it the whole way there, as well as after I got there and he was meeting the dogs and drinking a beer.

It was an awful experience, but he was totally cool about it… he liked all my dogs, even. He was great.

One of the stipulations for him coming over was that we weren’t going to have sex.

WHY WOULD YOU BRING HOME SOMEONE FROM A PARTY IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM?!

I have no idea. The plan was just to have him over. He had said he’d mow my lawn in the morning and that he was handy, and it kinda made sense at the time. We would just cuddle and he was so nice, and then he’d mow my lawn and I’d buy him lunch. It was a cute idea and he was totally down.

And that’s almost what happened, but he asked if I wanted to make out before we went to sleep… and I did… so, being the impulsive and completely unpredictable even to myself person that I am, and… also really wanting to make a surprising but positive impression… we just went for it. I couldn’t help it. The winking. He’s so damn cute.

Sex is more fun than I remember, and maybe that’s just because it’s been so long since I had it. Last time I had sex before this past weekend was about a year ago, with a guy at a poly party I went to… but I didn’t like it. It was awkward and I didn’t really want to be there, I’d just been too drunk to really put all that together into a thought. This wasn’t like that. It was fun, there was laughing, I didn’t fee like I was under any kind of obligation or anything… I just got to enjoy it, mostly….

FUN FACT: If you go like a year without having sex, your vagina shrinks.

He was great about that, too, though. Like… he listened to me and didn’t make anything a big deal, and we both went to bed exhausted.

I never know what to do when I wake up with someone. It’s weird, because I wake up early all the time, and the people I bring home never do. They always sleep till forever unless I wake them up and throw them out. I got up, took the dogs out, took a shower, watched some Parks & Rec… and then went back to sleep… because it sounded nice. He was still cute in the morning, and when he actually came to he was still a sweetheart. Our Sunday broke down to lots of laying in bed, more sex, Chipotle, HE MOWED MY LAWN AS PROMISED, and we cuddled up and watched Dale & Tucker VS Evil with the dogs.

It was the cutest day, and I was really excited about it. It was just nice. Previously it’s taken me months for that to be a day I can spend with someone… new relationships tend to feel like we need to be out doing something….

I made him laugh because overnight I went from a constantly apologizing panic attack back into the catty, smart mouthed, teasing kind of person I was at the party. That’s me. So he something about “if this works out” and I went, “I’m committing to nothing, right now,” only to be thwarted by dogs, cuz they definitely committed. But it was really nice and I think I like him.

I had to take him back to his car… which was sad. I wanted to keep him tied up in my house forever, instead… but he had to go help his friend with her car… which is neat. I like a man that can do things. The thing is that all I wanted to do was text him… but I didn’t. I waited, and he actually ended up texting me. So I guess he likes me. He actually wanted to come back over and hang out, but I was doing all my neglected chores… and I felt like I’d been assaulted….

Drinking three days in a row and having a bunch of rough sex is a young girl’s game… I’m no longer equipped to handle that without consequences.

He might come over tonight. I would like that.

TBH I really kind of want to hope this could work out into a really real thing… For a while now it’s felt like I’m not IN the world… I’m asexual, I’m aromantic… and no one has even been aesthetically pleasing to me in ages… I would love to feel again.

Apparently I’m Gonna Write A Book? (Maybe…)

So, a wonderful, beautiful thing happened last night. I went to see Eddie Izzard at the Paramount, and rekindled my deep seeded crush on him. Not only did I laugh to the point I was crying, but it was just nice to feel something relatively normal. My last entry, if you missed it, was about how uncomfortable it is to not feel attraction towards people. It is, and I hate it, and I find myself hating me because I feel so broken (It’s a good entry… go read it), and I don’t like hating me: me is awesome. So it was a really magical kind of moment to see Eddie Izzard get up on stage and feel my heart flutter with the distant memory of what a crush feels like. I was almost giddy with it.

FAQ:
Did you feel sexual attraction toward Eddie? I don’t think so, but I felt romantic attraction, as well as platonic. Maybe even a little sensual attraction… Like, I would cuddle with Eddie Izzard if he brought me hot tea and then told me stories.
Does this crush change anything about you? No. I’m still Aro. I’m still Ace. I just caught a glimpse of a crush and it’s better than heroin***.
(***Author has never tried heroin… but assumes it is fantastic in a life-ruining kind of way)
Do you think this will trigger you to have crushes on other people in really real life? I’m not counting on it. I mean, to find a witty, intelligent, attractive, British transvestite comedian in Denver is a pretty lofty goal. Finding someone that’s any of those characteristics is hard, really.

I know that to most people, aro or otherwise, it will seem really childish to be so excited about having a crush. To those people I say, “I’m glad you’re so comfortable with yourself, and I hope to be like you one day.” For me, though, this isn’t just feeling a crush. It’s like gaining sensation back into a dead limb. It’s a moment of normalcy in a world where nothing about how I relate to people is normal. I’m distant, cold, rarely attracted to no one in any kind of capacity, and prefer the company of my dogs to most people. But last night I was normal. I was just a fangirl, sitting in a theater, swooning like an idiot over a person that made me turn to glitter. If you can’t understand what a relief and a beautiful thing that was for me… I dunno. I envy you, I guess.

In the wake of my my moment, I got an idea. I’ve decided to TRY to write a book. It’s a novel. It’s about an asexual aromantic, and what that’s like. Will she end up finding out that she was never aromantic or asexual and that she just needed to find the right person to show that to her? FUCK NO. I hate when books end like that. Will she end up in a QPR? Maybe. I haven’t thought that far. I really want to write it, though.

My goal with the book is to highlight what I’ve felt in my adventures, thus far, being aromantic and asexual. The ups, the downs, the failed attempts at dating and relationships. I’m going to make the main character less hermity than myself, though. Like yeah, she’s AroAce like me, but she’ll have closer friends and be a little more human and a little less cyborg. Lol. There’s going to be fighting, self-doubt, pain, self hatred, loneliness, confusion… I want it all in there. I want the narrative to make you feel things, beautiful and wretched… and I want people to realize that being Aro or Ace, or both, doesn’t mean you don’t feel those things.

So… I’ve already started on the first entry for that. If you’re interested in it, the new blog for it will be here. I should have the first entry up sometime this evening, I think. The entries will prolly jump around… I have never been good at writing in a linear pattern… more like a stream of consciousness… and then I’ll have to reorganize later… but there it is if you’re interested.

Other Random Stuff:
My car is broken… drive shaft is coming apart… shop is gonna fix it… Mothership is gonna help me pay for it… I hate that I have to ask for help… UGH… I get to go see JULY TALK tomorrow with Billie. That’s exciting because A, I love July Talk, 2, I love Billie, and D, I found someone to go to that show with me.
Been playing a lot of Final Fantasy X on PS2… avoiding real social interaction…

And yeah. I guess that’s all for now. ^_^

How I Coped With my Potential Cancer.

If you missed my previous post, I might have breast cancer.

So how does one cope with a potentially fatal illness at 25?
Not well… Well, actually, I don’t know how other people cope with this sort of thing, but I decided to lose my mind.

Friday morning I found out I have beads of doom in my boob, so Friday night I drank. A lot. I started with a Long Island iced tea, which was pretty clear, tasted awful, and opened the door to drinking more vodka, doing a red headed slut shot, and a tuaca shot. Then, when I was already drunk, and my memory gets hazy, I did something I never do: I accepted things from Charles.

You may be wondering why that is so rare… It’s because Charles is pretty much a frat boy without a fraternity, and anything he hands you could ruin your night. Pills, pot, drinks… You accept nothing from Charles, but I did…

So after getting some Afghani strain in my system, I blacked out worse, and my bestie had to drive my twisted ass home.

The whole night is just flashes. I know I cried at the bestie and a KJ. I know the flower guy that does rounds to the bars every night said a prayer for me. I know that some girl reassured me that she went through the same thing and it was nothing. I don’t know much else.

Waking up this morning, I thought I would feel like shit. I was oddly perfect. I was even in high spirits. I discovered that I’d eaten a whole jar of pickles… Is that the secret to a hangoverless night? And yes, I know hangoverless is not a word.

Tonight, I went out again, for a friend’s birthday. He and his totally non-serious cover band played. For whatever reason, I’m blaming the lack of birth control, I’m extremely into this guy today. So, I slut myself up a little (as much as a fat girl can without looking desperate) and went, I got to say maybe three words to him.

I did get Voodoo Doughnuts, though, as the bestie went and stood in line for two god damn hours for them earlier in the day. This guy, who I vaguely know, was so excited to get one that he could have been an antidepressant commercial.

It was fun to go out. Lots of my music scene acquaintances came out, so they had guest singers and players.

For instance… This is what NSync’s Bye Bye Bye looked like.

Still, coming home alone is pretty crap.

I’m sad… Maybe because I’m just bipolar… But who can say.